Infertlity is a major fuck up not many can understand

No.. Really it's true. Unless you suffer from it you just don't get it! And even when you do... You still don't get it.

Today I had yet another hospital appointment, late one night i decided to email my consultant and demand he see me personally this time as his nurses were not taking my concerns about my scarring seriously.

I got an email back and he scheduled me in. Today I turn up on time and made to sit and wait for TWO HOURS!! OK so there was an emergency but blimey two hours? That's just ridiculous.

Made me late for my next appointment and so have to go an apologise tomorrow for not even showing up. I couldn't even call to let them know that.

Anyway, I am still over weight according to the fucking BMI Chart that has not been altered or updated since the 1950's. I am 6ft tall and a dress size 18 that looks like I am no bigger than a 16 and yet I am still over weight I have lost 8 1/2 lbs in 2 weeks for goodness sake.

Well I need to lose more I know that, I have a really ugly keloid scar now instead of the neat bikini scar I was told I would have after my surgery....it does wonders for my confidence.
I have to wait up to 12 months to receive IVF, its killing me.

Special K's sister and in fact the entire family are brimming with new baby joys and she is going up to visit when her sister has the baby in a couple weeks time, I wont be going. unless you know what it's like to lose a child, have a still born or simply not be able to conceive you wouldn't understand, her sister does.

It has made me really suffer from the green-eyed monster and it makes me mad that it does, I have never envied anyone for anything in my life....except now. I am so mad and bitter about it and mad at myself for being mad. It's no ones fault, and certainly not hers, at times it feels like the only way I can express my frustration is by blaming myself, what did I do wrong in my life, why me? The one thing I really wanted.

I cam home today ..fine not mad.. then her I saw i had to yet again sort dinner, not that I mind usually but shit I also saw the clothes were left in the washing machine from when I put them in this morning and first I was getting help then AGAIN the family call and I am left doing it all myself the bread was burnt in the oven and to make it worse it was the pregnant sister.... Her timing was just off, nothing to do with her I was just pissed.

Special K walked off and left me to it...... again! I just flipped when I opened the oven trying to multi task jobs she hadn't done and saw the burnt offering I just threw it and stormed out, we were also in the midst of a conversation.

I was irrational at that point I know and any other day I would have been fine but the timing was bad, I walked for about an hour int he dark crying looking at the ground feeling numb and angry all at once, nothing worse than being angry about something that isn't any ones fault... it just is.

I have come back home and don't want to talk about it, I think special K got the hint, she has retired to bed at 7:15pm. She sounds like she has been crying but about what I don't know, she isn't the one suffering. She even when in the wrong goes on the defensive and acts mad at you for being mad at her and then she doesn't have to do anything but just be mad.

I would just like her, someone anyone to understand that this is the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking thing to have to deal with aside from death and ill health. She doesn't want to bear children the way I do, she tried to adopt years ago and that fell through and yes she was gutted by that but since she has said that she wouldn't go through that again it was too painful for her which I can understand, but that also mean in my mind that she has come to the conclusion and the acceptance that she will not have kids of her own and that all her efforts are best spent with the kids in their family. I don't have that alternative option.

It gets worse as I get a year older I know. And I know being mad and jealous won't get me any closer to my desire, yet I cant help feeling it. It doesn't take away from the fact that I am happy for those that have children as I really am, sincerely ....but I am just more sad for myself...it hurts, it really hurts right now.