Getting well

It's been an age since I last posted, I have been trying to get well and sort my life out.

I decided one morning that I was not going to give up, something amazing happened which i am not yet ready to talk about but it has changed my life, a stranger has basically touched my life in a away that i never thought was possible and since then i have been up and handling life as I should be.

OK so where to start....

The pain is not as bad in my neck the MRI showed that I have inflammtion in my vertebrae but that it should settle down soon, my depression is under control and I am feeling better than normal, however the noise in my head is still there but i am getting used to it, they think i have vibratory tinnitus.

I am up and about and doing things again. Not working yet but that is because i have had a lot of things to handle.

I had a really deep conversation with STUD one day and she told me the truth about myself as she knows me, which was very spot on, good and not so good, the conversation ended in her giving me some advice that was obvious but i had kept putting it off.... I needed to do a job that was giving back to society and the people in it. She suggested I look at youth support work and mentoring. Something inside me just clicked.....I felt elated and happy all at once and the following day I called the local councils adult education team and have an interview to train as a counsellor in january .....not only that I have contacted the Albert kennedy trust to see if I can help mentor and befriend any young people that maybe in crisis during my training they also train too.

I have also decided that looking at my own life as empty is very real but that is only because I have not felt like i am doing enough for others, when i evaluated everything in my life i realised that the signs have been there for many years that I should be working with young people. I just didnt get it, I got caught up and blinkered.

I have been meditating too and trying to find my centre and since then I have met amazing people and also things seem to be falling into place, the course interview is in two weeks. I have also met someone who is in that line of work and is one of the top child psychologists in the country and she has taken me under her wing as she is setting up a very specialist child centre in the UK and has asked if i would like to help out with some things and in return she will help guide me with my courses and hands on training when needed. More about her later ;)

Then yesterday, i got a letter in the post stating that i was to be at the hospital that day for a pre assesment for surgery... i thought NO WAY THIS IS A TYPING ERROR... i called them and it turns out that they only posted it on friday 14th and yes indeed i had to be there at 14:50 yesterday... so i rushed and got dressed and headed down there in shock..... i didnt think it was going to be so soon.

I got there and was assessed and all is well i went to the admissions department for an appointment for surgery and guess what.....They had a cancellation and I am having it done ..........on MONDAY 24th DEC. Yes MONDAY COMING... Oh my fucking GOODNESS!!

I was in no doubt i wanted that appointment, i am not bothered about it being xmas eve all the more reason to relax :)

So...... all is going well I am on a real HIGH not the manic kind the kind that makes you feel like everything is working out now....I have this stranger to thank as well as myself for getting things back in order and giving me hope again.

I am off to get my hair done, my eyebrows waxed, my legs done and pedicure/manicure and all this as I have a work xmas Do tomorrow that i have to attend, Life is good. Fate has brought me where I am today and I have to be grateful..... and thankful.

I wont ever give up again... I now know something i never knew before..... Faith inside is what keeps people going not the external faith in something that you cant see or prove.... God is inside each and everyone of us and sometimes we have to just LET GO and allow things to unfold and if that means that like me you have to shut yourself away, stop feeling, stop participating until you GET IT then so be it, i now know i had to have that "shut down" otherwise i would not have opened up to certain people in my life and got answers.

I would not have had the most intense conversation with my mother about faith, her special gift ( she is a psychic/medium) and my own fears and outlook on life, having THAT talk with her showed me that i made many assumptions about my mum and how she handles things... I assumed that she was not able to sort things, i assumed she was not able to advise me on anything i didnt know, i didnt ALLOW her to be a parent to me in my adult life......since i had this conversation with her i have not felt that pressure and worry about her, as i listened to her more and saw that she is not worried about life and has so much faith and her gift allows her to stay calm, i neednt worry so much about her.

I also wouldnt have met this stranger who has touched me in the most remarkable of ways i cannot describe. FATE does exist... i didnt really believe it before but now........i am blown away.


Since then I have cleaned my house from the ceiling to the floor, i have chucked old things that i was holding onto for sentimental reasons that i didnt need, i got rid of cards and gestures from Ex's, that emotionally was holding me back, i cleaned the ENTIRE Flat leaving no stone unturned, I threw out in one night 14 rubbish bags of old stuff that i didnt need, i have donated more than 50 books to charity, I have got on my hands and knees and scrubbed rugs and upholstery, thrown out old tins of paint, and everything and anything that i just didnt need any more and especially stuff that if i hadnt used it in a year then i would never use it....

Everything from papers to pins are neatly ordered into boxes and tubs labeled neatly. No cupboard has escaped me even the one under the sink and the junk cupboard outside... they are all gleaming with the smell of antibacterial spray and freshness......

I am making room in my life physically and emotionally for a new begining, for new people, for new potentials..... and the house is only a symbol of me..... emotionally i have let go of pain and disappointment in my past, i have released expectations of myself other than those to constantly be a good person to my self as well as others.... I have vowed to nurture myself and my own gifts and talents and .....ME... just being ME... and realising and acknowledging that being ME IS good enough.

My mum said to me the other day... faith is like a pet or a child... you have to nurture it, water it, feed it and give it constant love and affection to see it grow, then one day it will be strong enough to do what needs to be done,... THAT she said is Faith..... everytime you beat yourself up you are not nurturing you, FAITH is YOU. So when things dont go according to your plan unless you ahve nurtured Faith you wont feel the real effects of it to carry you through, much like looking not after your body and expecting it to perform at the drop of a hat.

I have liked that analogy and decided that I will no longer beat myself up about things but as long as i can say i made the best choice i could with what time and skills i had then.....that has to be enough. I HAVE TO BE ENOUGH.

No more hating me, lots more loving me. Lots of other people love me, so why dont I.

Finding my Purpose...Feeling sorry for myself today

It's hard, without faith one has no hope, without hope One has no faith. without both One has no motivation to live.

Hope drives people forward through hard times and lifes struggles, to have neither is surely a death in it self, No?

“However unhappy a person may be, the moment he knows the purpose of his life a switch is turned and the light is on... If he has to strive after that purpose all his life, he does not mind so long as he knows what the purpose is.“Ten such people have much greater power than a thousand people working from morning till evening not knowing the purpose of their life.” –H.I. Khan–


"Purpose is not achievement. For example, achievement can mean being successful at a job you don’t want, to enable you to afford an expensive car you don’t need, in order to impress a girlfriend you don’t like... A purpose is something you express continually in order to bring you pleasure, not a list of things you have to achieve. " - anxietyculture.com

I feel like I should have one of two things in my life to keep me going, either a job that fulfills me and makes me feel as though I am making a difference to the world or the people in it and that I love( dont know what that is, hence my problem part 1), even on my bad days, or having a family to nurture. If I am lucky I could get both, but as it stands and for my forseeable future I have NEITHER and feel empty.

I dont feel like ranting about the lack of purpose in my life but i think this may turn into one anyway so I am going with it.

I tried to do something about it and went for a job interview this week that I actually really wanted with one of the countries' top nutritionist and author.. No not Gillian Mckieth or whatever her name is, this one is credited and has a proper certificate and qualification and looks like she practices what she teaches.

I didn't want to leave the house, but I did, I hated every moment of walking outside my door but i thought in the back of my mind "This could be IT" and i will never know unless I go....I went I gave it my all it was the best most self informative and selling interview i have ever given yet 3 hours later i didn't get the job. That alone didn't disappoint me, it was the whole meaning behind it for me that kicked me in the gut.

Just when I wanted and was looking for something to believe in again and have faith and hope for the future, and stepping outside my comfort zone- that was so hard it took me 4 hours to get out the house-and yet I went and presented the best of me and what I had to offer regardless, I was kicked down again.

Yes I am feeling a Victim, that "victim" mentality that I so despised in the past, it's now me, *sigh*! I wonder now if there is any truth to the saying "The thing you fear the most is what you shall become" ??? Does a "failure/drifter" count?

I no longer sit in bed and cry and feel sorry for myself as I did but instead I stay in the home with no reason to venture out, with no excitement for anything, waiting for the hours to pass, feeling numb and void. I am hurting those around me as they feel helpless but I cant help it, it is not intentional.

I am finding it hard to say I feel loved these days, I don't know even if I know what that is. Seriously I don't know, everytime I thought I knew what that felt like I was abused and hurt in someway, I don't know if i truly know what it feels like to be protected cared for and loved.

As far back as I can remember I HAVE been the "protector", of my mum, emotionally always making sure she dealt with things the best way as soon as I was old enough to make judgements/decisions I was helping her make them from an early age. I felt like the mother even though she went to work and brought home the money, even though she instilled in me morals and principles even though she was a physical parent I was the emotional parent, in many many ways. I guess being a mother is the only hting I know I can do in life.

Apart from the things and advice I do/give to others I don't think they will miss me for anything else, it is hard to imagine the reality of their pain and loss if I were to die, this is what makes the thoughts of suicide so very real to me sometimes because their pain of losing me doesn't seem real at all.

RESPONSIBILITY!

I struggled from an early age with responsibility, I felt the imbalance very early on in my life, as a child I would feel highly responsible if something went wrong in our lives from the age of about 7, if things didnt work out well I felt either I was the cause of it or I had to think of a way to fix it and make it better. In my teens i struggled with what was my responsibility in life to steer and what was fate/chance/universe/god. Even in my adult life I have the same struggles, when things go well it is fate/luck when they go wrong it is me.

I feel so responsible for the people in my life namely my mum and brother and everything that happens to me, I think that is why I am losing hope and focus and faith because I so want something bigger than me to take the reigns and show me it will all be OK, but i dont think it will.

I now understand why people sometimes feel the need to know if there is life after death, if mediums and psychics and clairvoyants are really able to connect with loved ones on the "other side" because sometimes we need to know that something that has capabilities far beyond our own human/physical limitations is watching over us and is steering us in the direction we need to go in, good or seemingly bad. Thats why we have religion I think, that is why most of us find ourselves questioning our lives based on religious teachings, even if we lean more towards the "spiritual" in later life. As for atheists well who knows, maybe they have faith in humans and evolution??? OK that's a topic for another time my brain already hurts.

I asked myself the other day whilst watching John Edwards, "why is it so important for me to know if there are dead people/loved ones still around me, looking out for me? Why can I not appreciate and be satisfied with the ones here in the living, in THIS life that love me and look out for me?"

At first I didn't know and I felt bad, almost like I was saying internally/subconciously that these people didn't mean as much but then i realised..... It is because those that are here are limited in their powers and abilities to watch over me and help me, because they too are only human and they are also far too busy living their own lives and trying to fight the same struggle......if you are homeless you wouldn't go to a homeless person for a home would you?

People say the pain i am feeling is stress, i doubt it. Something tells me the MRI scan will come back fine as did the X-ray but that is because i think what is wrong would not be picked up by those tests. Maybe i am being overly worried but i know I am not imagining the intense pain.

How much of where I am in my life is my own fault??? I think that often. AS a child i believed you made life what you wanted to make of it and if you made good choices and worked hard and were a good person you would be OK. Where did I go wrong?

I have never intentionally hurt anyone through malice or otherwise, always been honest sometimes to a fault. I am responsible and upstanding, I help people and have a lot of time for others that are in need even taking the time to talk to perfect strangers in a distressed state. I put others first, mostly, I am by no means a saint but that is purely because I intend to do the right thing but it can backfire when others don't get/understand my honesty or intentions or they hurt me and i say something mean back but hey they started it. I don't gossip or spread rumours, I work honestly and fairly, my friends describe me as the most humble person they know, and my worst fault is shutting them out when I am in pain or depressed.

I stand up for those that are weaker or more vulnerable than myself. I respect people. I do all these things yet my life feels as though it is going no where. I am the person who in the line will pay the difference of the old womans shopping cos she doesnt have enough money left, without a second thought simply because I have it. I am the person who has been known to find wild animals near death and try to nurture them back to life.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself because I dont know where I went wrong. And through all this I feel alone, i thought about getting a pet the other day, been thinking maybe a Chinchilla, but then I started to think about the nights I wouldn't be able to sleep due to their nocturnal nature and the days when I have had pets in the past to help with my loneliness and to take the focus away from me then all of a sudden my life gets busy socially and professionally and i have had to get rid of the animal much to my disappointment because i felt to guilty about the lack of time my miraculously busy lifestyle afforded me to care for this being.

UNFAIR, was my conclusion, it would be unfair for me to get a pet, i dont care for pet fishes i like cuddly animals, not too small had gerbils and hamsters and not keen on animals who eat their own poo (Coprophagic) , i dont want a cat as the fur sheds and drives me mad, all on my clothes and floor. A dog i wouldn't be able to walk regularly if my life became super busy, or should i say if i actually GOT a life.

Thinking all these things, most would wonder why would i want to be a parent then? Well it's simple to me and if you have ever WANTED to be a parent or had difficulty in becoming a parent you would know the answer.....