Finding my Purpose...Feeling sorry for myself today

It's hard, without faith one has no hope, without hope One has no faith. without both One has no motivation to live.

Hope drives people forward through hard times and lifes struggles, to have neither is surely a death in it self, No?

“However unhappy a person may be, the moment he knows the purpose of his life a switch is turned and the light is on... If he has to strive after that purpose all his life, he does not mind so long as he knows what the purpose is.“Ten such people have much greater power than a thousand people working from morning till evening not knowing the purpose of their life.” –H.I. Khan–


"Purpose is not achievement. For example, achievement can mean being successful at a job you don’t want, to enable you to afford an expensive car you don’t need, in order to impress a girlfriend you don’t like... A purpose is something you express continually in order to bring you pleasure, not a list of things you have to achieve. " - anxietyculture.com

I feel like I should have one of two things in my life to keep me going, either a job that fulfills me and makes me feel as though I am making a difference to the world or the people in it and that I love( dont know what that is, hence my problem part 1), even on my bad days, or having a family to nurture. If I am lucky I could get both, but as it stands and for my forseeable future I have NEITHER and feel empty.

I dont feel like ranting about the lack of purpose in my life but i think this may turn into one anyway so I am going with it.

I tried to do something about it and went for a job interview this week that I actually really wanted with one of the countries' top nutritionist and author.. No not Gillian Mckieth or whatever her name is, this one is credited and has a proper certificate and qualification and looks like she practices what she teaches.

I didn't want to leave the house, but I did, I hated every moment of walking outside my door but i thought in the back of my mind "This could be IT" and i will never know unless I go....I went I gave it my all it was the best most self informative and selling interview i have ever given yet 3 hours later i didn't get the job. That alone didn't disappoint me, it was the whole meaning behind it for me that kicked me in the gut.

Just when I wanted and was looking for something to believe in again and have faith and hope for the future, and stepping outside my comfort zone- that was so hard it took me 4 hours to get out the house-and yet I went and presented the best of me and what I had to offer regardless, I was kicked down again.

Yes I am feeling a Victim, that "victim" mentality that I so despised in the past, it's now me, *sigh*! I wonder now if there is any truth to the saying "The thing you fear the most is what you shall become" ??? Does a "failure/drifter" count?

I no longer sit in bed and cry and feel sorry for myself as I did but instead I stay in the home with no reason to venture out, with no excitement for anything, waiting for the hours to pass, feeling numb and void. I am hurting those around me as they feel helpless but I cant help it, it is not intentional.

I am finding it hard to say I feel loved these days, I don't know even if I know what that is. Seriously I don't know, everytime I thought I knew what that felt like I was abused and hurt in someway, I don't know if i truly know what it feels like to be protected cared for and loved.

As far back as I can remember I HAVE been the "protector", of my mum, emotionally always making sure she dealt with things the best way as soon as I was old enough to make judgements/decisions I was helping her make them from an early age. I felt like the mother even though she went to work and brought home the money, even though she instilled in me morals and principles even though she was a physical parent I was the emotional parent, in many many ways. I guess being a mother is the only hting I know I can do in life.

Apart from the things and advice I do/give to others I don't think they will miss me for anything else, it is hard to imagine the reality of their pain and loss if I were to die, this is what makes the thoughts of suicide so very real to me sometimes because their pain of losing me doesn't seem real at all.

RESPONSIBILITY!

I struggled from an early age with responsibility, I felt the imbalance very early on in my life, as a child I would feel highly responsible if something went wrong in our lives from the age of about 7, if things didnt work out well I felt either I was the cause of it or I had to think of a way to fix it and make it better. In my teens i struggled with what was my responsibility in life to steer and what was fate/chance/universe/god. Even in my adult life I have the same struggles, when things go well it is fate/luck when they go wrong it is me.

I feel so responsible for the people in my life namely my mum and brother and everything that happens to me, I think that is why I am losing hope and focus and faith because I so want something bigger than me to take the reigns and show me it will all be OK, but i dont think it will.

I now understand why people sometimes feel the need to know if there is life after death, if mediums and psychics and clairvoyants are really able to connect with loved ones on the "other side" because sometimes we need to know that something that has capabilities far beyond our own human/physical limitations is watching over us and is steering us in the direction we need to go in, good or seemingly bad. Thats why we have religion I think, that is why most of us find ourselves questioning our lives based on religious teachings, even if we lean more towards the "spiritual" in later life. As for atheists well who knows, maybe they have faith in humans and evolution??? OK that's a topic for another time my brain already hurts.

I asked myself the other day whilst watching John Edwards, "why is it so important for me to know if there are dead people/loved ones still around me, looking out for me? Why can I not appreciate and be satisfied with the ones here in the living, in THIS life that love me and look out for me?"

At first I didn't know and I felt bad, almost like I was saying internally/subconciously that these people didn't mean as much but then i realised..... It is because those that are here are limited in their powers and abilities to watch over me and help me, because they too are only human and they are also far too busy living their own lives and trying to fight the same struggle......if you are homeless you wouldn't go to a homeless person for a home would you?

People say the pain i am feeling is stress, i doubt it. Something tells me the MRI scan will come back fine as did the X-ray but that is because i think what is wrong would not be picked up by those tests. Maybe i am being overly worried but i know I am not imagining the intense pain.

How much of where I am in my life is my own fault??? I think that often. AS a child i believed you made life what you wanted to make of it and if you made good choices and worked hard and were a good person you would be OK. Where did I go wrong?

I have never intentionally hurt anyone through malice or otherwise, always been honest sometimes to a fault. I am responsible and upstanding, I help people and have a lot of time for others that are in need even taking the time to talk to perfect strangers in a distressed state. I put others first, mostly, I am by no means a saint but that is purely because I intend to do the right thing but it can backfire when others don't get/understand my honesty or intentions or they hurt me and i say something mean back but hey they started it. I don't gossip or spread rumours, I work honestly and fairly, my friends describe me as the most humble person they know, and my worst fault is shutting them out when I am in pain or depressed.

I stand up for those that are weaker or more vulnerable than myself. I respect people. I do all these things yet my life feels as though it is going no where. I am the person who in the line will pay the difference of the old womans shopping cos she doesnt have enough money left, without a second thought simply because I have it. I am the person who has been known to find wild animals near death and try to nurture them back to life.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself because I dont know where I went wrong. And through all this I feel alone, i thought about getting a pet the other day, been thinking maybe a Chinchilla, but then I started to think about the nights I wouldn't be able to sleep due to their nocturnal nature and the days when I have had pets in the past to help with my loneliness and to take the focus away from me then all of a sudden my life gets busy socially and professionally and i have had to get rid of the animal much to my disappointment because i felt to guilty about the lack of time my miraculously busy lifestyle afforded me to care for this being.

UNFAIR, was my conclusion, it would be unfair for me to get a pet, i dont care for pet fishes i like cuddly animals, not too small had gerbils and hamsters and not keen on animals who eat their own poo (Coprophagic) , i dont want a cat as the fur sheds and drives me mad, all on my clothes and floor. A dog i wouldn't be able to walk regularly if my life became super busy, or should i say if i actually GOT a life.

Thinking all these things, most would wonder why would i want to be a parent then? Well it's simple to me and if you have ever WANTED to be a parent or had difficulty in becoming a parent you would know the answer.....