Finding my Purpose...Feeling sorry for myself today

It's hard, without faith one has no hope, without hope One has no faith. without both One has no motivation to live.

Hope drives people forward through hard times and lifes struggles, to have neither is surely a death in it self, No?

“However unhappy a person may be, the moment he knows the purpose of his life a switch is turned and the light is on... If he has to strive after that purpose all his life, he does not mind so long as he knows what the purpose is.“Ten such people have much greater power than a thousand people working from morning till evening not knowing the purpose of their life.” –H.I. Khan–


"Purpose is not achievement. For example, achievement can mean being successful at a job you don’t want, to enable you to afford an expensive car you don’t need, in order to impress a girlfriend you don’t like... A purpose is something you express continually in order to bring you pleasure, not a list of things you have to achieve. " - anxietyculture.com

I feel like I should have one of two things in my life to keep me going, either a job that fulfills me and makes me feel as though I am making a difference to the world or the people in it and that I love( dont know what that is, hence my problem part 1), even on my bad days, or having a family to nurture. If I am lucky I could get both, but as it stands and for my forseeable future I have NEITHER and feel empty.

I dont feel like ranting about the lack of purpose in my life but i think this may turn into one anyway so I am going with it.

I tried to do something about it and went for a job interview this week that I actually really wanted with one of the countries' top nutritionist and author.. No not Gillian Mckieth or whatever her name is, this one is credited and has a proper certificate and qualification and looks like she practices what she teaches.

I didn't want to leave the house, but I did, I hated every moment of walking outside my door but i thought in the back of my mind "This could be IT" and i will never know unless I go....I went I gave it my all it was the best most self informative and selling interview i have ever given yet 3 hours later i didn't get the job. That alone didn't disappoint me, it was the whole meaning behind it for me that kicked me in the gut.

Just when I wanted and was looking for something to believe in again and have faith and hope for the future, and stepping outside my comfort zone- that was so hard it took me 4 hours to get out the house-and yet I went and presented the best of me and what I had to offer regardless, I was kicked down again.

Yes I am feeling a Victim, that "victim" mentality that I so despised in the past, it's now me, *sigh*! I wonder now if there is any truth to the saying "The thing you fear the most is what you shall become" ??? Does a "failure/drifter" count?

I no longer sit in bed and cry and feel sorry for myself as I did but instead I stay in the home with no reason to venture out, with no excitement for anything, waiting for the hours to pass, feeling numb and void. I am hurting those around me as they feel helpless but I cant help it, it is not intentional.

I am finding it hard to say I feel loved these days, I don't know even if I know what that is. Seriously I don't know, everytime I thought I knew what that felt like I was abused and hurt in someway, I don't know if i truly know what it feels like to be protected cared for and loved.

As far back as I can remember I HAVE been the "protector", of my mum, emotionally always making sure she dealt with things the best way as soon as I was old enough to make judgements/decisions I was helping her make them from an early age. I felt like the mother even though she went to work and brought home the money, even though she instilled in me morals and principles even though she was a physical parent I was the emotional parent, in many many ways. I guess being a mother is the only hting I know I can do in life.

Apart from the things and advice I do/give to others I don't think they will miss me for anything else, it is hard to imagine the reality of their pain and loss if I were to die, this is what makes the thoughts of suicide so very real to me sometimes because their pain of losing me doesn't seem real at all.

RESPONSIBILITY!

I struggled from an early age with responsibility, I felt the imbalance very early on in my life, as a child I would feel highly responsible if something went wrong in our lives from the age of about 7, if things didnt work out well I felt either I was the cause of it or I had to think of a way to fix it and make it better. In my teens i struggled with what was my responsibility in life to steer and what was fate/chance/universe/god. Even in my adult life I have the same struggles, when things go well it is fate/luck when they go wrong it is me.

I feel so responsible for the people in my life namely my mum and brother and everything that happens to me, I think that is why I am losing hope and focus and faith because I so want something bigger than me to take the reigns and show me it will all be OK, but i dont think it will.

I now understand why people sometimes feel the need to know if there is life after death, if mediums and psychics and clairvoyants are really able to connect with loved ones on the "other side" because sometimes we need to know that something that has capabilities far beyond our own human/physical limitations is watching over us and is steering us in the direction we need to go in, good or seemingly bad. Thats why we have religion I think, that is why most of us find ourselves questioning our lives based on religious teachings, even if we lean more towards the "spiritual" in later life. As for atheists well who knows, maybe they have faith in humans and evolution??? OK that's a topic for another time my brain already hurts.

I asked myself the other day whilst watching John Edwards, "why is it so important for me to know if there are dead people/loved ones still around me, looking out for me? Why can I not appreciate and be satisfied with the ones here in the living, in THIS life that love me and look out for me?"

At first I didn't know and I felt bad, almost like I was saying internally/subconciously that these people didn't mean as much but then i realised..... It is because those that are here are limited in their powers and abilities to watch over me and help me, because they too are only human and they are also far too busy living their own lives and trying to fight the same struggle......if you are homeless you wouldn't go to a homeless person for a home would you?

People say the pain i am feeling is stress, i doubt it. Something tells me the MRI scan will come back fine as did the X-ray but that is because i think what is wrong would not be picked up by those tests. Maybe i am being overly worried but i know I am not imagining the intense pain.

How much of where I am in my life is my own fault??? I think that often. AS a child i believed you made life what you wanted to make of it and if you made good choices and worked hard and were a good person you would be OK. Where did I go wrong?

I have never intentionally hurt anyone through malice or otherwise, always been honest sometimes to a fault. I am responsible and upstanding, I help people and have a lot of time for others that are in need even taking the time to talk to perfect strangers in a distressed state. I put others first, mostly, I am by no means a saint but that is purely because I intend to do the right thing but it can backfire when others don't get/understand my honesty or intentions or they hurt me and i say something mean back but hey they started it. I don't gossip or spread rumours, I work honestly and fairly, my friends describe me as the most humble person they know, and my worst fault is shutting them out when I am in pain or depressed.

I stand up for those that are weaker or more vulnerable than myself. I respect people. I do all these things yet my life feels as though it is going no where. I am the person who in the line will pay the difference of the old womans shopping cos she doesnt have enough money left, without a second thought simply because I have it. I am the person who has been known to find wild animals near death and try to nurture them back to life.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself because I dont know where I went wrong. And through all this I feel alone, i thought about getting a pet the other day, been thinking maybe a Chinchilla, but then I started to think about the nights I wouldn't be able to sleep due to their nocturnal nature and the days when I have had pets in the past to help with my loneliness and to take the focus away from me then all of a sudden my life gets busy socially and professionally and i have had to get rid of the animal much to my disappointment because i felt to guilty about the lack of time my miraculously busy lifestyle afforded me to care for this being.

UNFAIR, was my conclusion, it would be unfair for me to get a pet, i dont care for pet fishes i like cuddly animals, not too small had gerbils and hamsters and not keen on animals who eat their own poo (Coprophagic) , i dont want a cat as the fur sheds and drives me mad, all on my clothes and floor. A dog i wouldn't be able to walk regularly if my life became super busy, or should i say if i actually GOT a life.

Thinking all these things, most would wonder why would i want to be a parent then? Well it's simple to me and if you have ever WANTED to be a parent or had difficulty in becoming a parent you would know the answer.....

Numb...

The only thing I feel is ice
Cold and numb and as if nothing on this earth is more harsh than the pain I feel inside,
my days are as dark as my nights and my nights are as lonely as death itself.

The tablets make me jittery and the anxiety only seems to get worse as the days go by, the mirrors in the house have all been taken down or covered the the food that is delivered by loved ones is instantly frozen and hated, despised.

Staying in bed all day is my own slow demise.

I am too coward to "call it a day" and "pull the plug", I drip with guilt, too guilty to say goodbye forever and yet too selfish to end my pain in a flash, do I want others to see how much I hurt?

I dont know all I know is the urge to punish myself is now far greater than my urge to travel to a light that I hope shines brighter than the one in my being, is warmer then the frost that shrouds my body like a cloak every day,

I punish myself and scheme ways to take the meds that carry the warning " to be taken with food". The need for food is to keep One alive but surely to gain some control, the ultimate control is to control the thing that is most necessary to life itself.

Yet another day as they roll into one and I am losing track of time, sleeping through hunger and the pain, physically and emotionally, the days go by faster that way.

"Death" can have many forms it is as varied as the meaning of the word itself, to die can be done in many ways and yet you can still exist among the shadows of the living.

Knocking on Heavens door....

I was rushed to A&E at 1am on Monday morning due to almost blacking out with the pain in my neck that has progressed to my skull , I started to have panic attacks and the , drugs were not working.
On one hand I wanted to die and thought now is my chance, to do it the "right way", instead I got scared, I knew the only person with a spare set of keys that would find me would be my mum or baby brother. That wouldn't be fair to them. When I die I don't want them to find me.

I have been prescribed Diazepam for the pain and Citalopram for the depression. The drugs are still not working for the pain the only thing that helped was the gas in the ambulance but that only took the edge off the pain. I called the Ambulance only because I was scared that without the control of death I could be dying of a haemorage or something equally horrific. Believe me on less than 14 hours sleep in 6 days due to the pain and anxiety you would probably panic too.

Anyway I promised Daddi I would call the emergency services as I was crying uncontrollably, even though two nights previous I called the emergency doctor and they wanted me to leave the house at 2am to go about 2 miles to get the prscription only pain killers when I said I couldn't go they suggested that if I "felt"" like going then I should give them a call and they would have them ready for me even after I said I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. Surely it's their fucking job was to come out (I didnt say the latter)

Today I have taken double the dose of Diazepam and 3 paracetamol together to stop the pain, it seems to have worked but the relief seems to only last about 2 hours at the very most. I dont have much left. getting the results from my X-ray tomorrow and going in for an MRI on Wednesday to check my brain and my spine and the pain is so bad. I wonder what they will find. At this point if I was told I had 6months to live I would probably have much more hope than I do now.

I have been thinking about my death a lot lately, I think I would want to die in my sleep after a few good byes and a few sorry's maybe, don't really have anyone to say sorry to in my life as I have never really un/intentionally hurt someone and not apologised and explained. except I would tell my loved ones I was sorry I was not able to continue.

I know one thing, if i do try to end it all it wont be a cry for help, it will truly be because I have had enough. I have no appetite lately, partly due to the fact the tablets make me feel less hungry and sleepy all the time and partly due to the fact I cant look in the mirror I feel so fat and ugly I refuse to eat anything other than juice, crackers, milk and popcorn the milk and crackers are only because I dont want the tablets to make me sick on top of how I am already feeling.

The tablets also make me confused and have liitle memory loss, like what I was just watching on tv or the plot of a movie i had been watching, the injection I got at the hospital made me hallucinate and have the worst nightmare, I dreamt that I was looking down from a window into a front yard entrance and I saw some guard dogs chained up as security, then I noticed this one guy holding the chain and at first he was being nice then all of a sudden he wrapped the chain around the dogs neck and started to choke it to kill it, I could hear the dog screaming and whining in pain and I was so distraught I woke up terrified and the noises were so real, i wont ever forget seeing that poor dog wriggling and screaming for its life. I later noticed one of the side effects of really strong Diazepam is nightmares. I was too scared to go back to sleep even though I was really wobbly and drowsy.

I realised that since the age of 13 I have had depression I guess emotional abuse from all sides will do that to a kid after years and years of not fighting back (never from my mother or brother). Or maybe its hereditary, there seems to be statistics that back this up, I think my dad has it, looking back growing up as a child i remember people saying he would go missing for days on end and he would be in his flat not seeing or speaking to anyone. I ignored these things as an adult I didnt think it was significant, and maybe it is'nt, but one thing I know that IS significant, even though I have used the words "feeling depressed" in the past I never really used it and owned it. I just used it to identify the "phase" I was in and not as an Illness I have. Even Now i still cant get to grips with it, but the facts are there.

Looking back on all the feedback I have had from so called NHS "professionals" on Mental health and the reactions I would get from my doctors in the past they all made me feel as though it was all in my head, they negated my feelings and symptoms....

" Oh everyone gets down"
"You need a boyfriend"
" you may want to lose weight, being fat doesnt help"
" your just under a little stress"
" Pull it together/suck it up/Deal with it!"
"Everyone gets down sometimes....dont worry about it"
"Thats just part of life"

No, it's not.

I am realising now that I need to re-educate myself and get rid of my own insecurities and stigmas about suffering from this Illness and sufferers of it, I always thought "nah I am too analytical for it to affect someone like me, I am different". Acknowledging that it IS an illness and deal with it and not be ashamed or think it means I am not intelligent enough to get through it if I need to take tablets for the rest of my life to deal with this hell hole called life.

I'm crying right now for all the times asked/begged/ cried for help and no on listened to me sympathetically or understood me, I am crying for all the time I allowed my partners to say negative /degrading things to me when I couldnt shake the feeling of sadness for days and sometimes weeks - if only they knew the more they told me to "snap out of it" and the more they berated me for feeling so blue the longer it lasted. They didnt do it because they cared. They did it because they didnt believe it was REAL.

If it is not a physical ailment it doesnt exist and it is just you looking for attention, being over sensitive, being weak. That's why I shut myself away from others because so many dont get it. Hell, even I dont get it, so go figure.

It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between simply being down or feeling a little sad to being depressed. I finally acknowledge that I know I am depressed when I cant get out of bed or the house for days on end, when the only thing I feel I have left is my pride that makes me at least get up and and brush my teeth and have a bath everyday ( incase I get rushed to hospital/die I must have clean underwear or my nan will kill me if I survive Ha!).

I have to acknowledge that when I cant even bear to think about seeing anyone or talking to anyone that I am depressed.

When I think I am all alone and no one understands no matter how hard they try.... I'm depressed and when i feel I have nothing to look forward to in my life or the future and the feelings of worthlessness and hopelssness consume my every waking moment that I am depressed.

I have to acknowledge that when I can only think of death and my options or as my ONLY option.....I am depressed.

And if I think of these things every few months or so, for a few weeks at a time.....

I suffer from an illness called depression.

It hurts to admit, it hurts because I thought I was different....

"No Maybe I dont suffer from depression afterall, maybe it's just my way of recouping my energy shutting myself off from others"
"Maybe it's just my way of dealing with stress"
"look I am feeling better now and on top of the world maybe I cant suffer from depression"
"Maybe this, Maybe that......."

Facts to remind me.....copied from netdoctor.co.uk

Symptoms of depression Stress can lead to you to feeling 'down' and 'miserable'. What is different about a depressive illness is that these feelings last for weeks or months, rather than days. In addition to feeling low most or all of the time, many other symptoms can occur in depressive illness (though not everybody has every one).

• 
  Being unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable.
  
• Losing interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life.
  
• Feeling tired all of the time and having no energy.
  
• Difficulty sleeping or waking early in the morning (though some feel that they can't get out of bed and 'face the world').
  
• Having a poor appetite, no interest in food and losing weight (though some people overeat and put on weight - 'comfort eating').
  
• Losing interest in sex.
  
• Finding it difficult to concentrate and think straight.
  
• Feeling restless, tense and anxious.
  
• Being irritable.
  
• Losing self-confidence.
  
• Avoiding other people.
  
• Finding it harder than usual to make decisions.
  
• Feeling useless and inadequate - 'a waste of space'.
  
• Feeling guilty about who you are and what you have done.
  
• Feeling hopeless - that nothing will make things better.
  
• Thinking about suicide - this is very common. If you feel this way, talk to somebody about it. If you think somebody else might be thinking this way, ask them about it - IT WILL NOT MAKE THEM MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

I am suffering from all of the above... Go figure :(

I am not going to lie to myself or others around me I know the tablets wont make it go away, thats why I was reluctant to seek help again from anyone, the issues will still be there, the feeling of being a failure in life will still be there, the lost feeling....will still be there... the thoughts of simply dying I dont think will ever go away..... why? Because I dont know what else to do to sort myself out, to get to that "happy" place in my life where I see purpose and validation for my existence. and are at least content with where I am. I feared getting help in the first place this time because I was scared of the "what if's" and the feelings and thoughts that confirmed to me that no matter what I do the feelings will come back and I will be here again in a few months time, whining about the same thing.

I have been known to go almost two years without being this way... then the bitch came back and the fertility medical stuff started getting me down. I guess it's no wonder.

I do am a resourceful person and I think my issue is I dont think anyone can suggest anything to me that I have not already tried and unless I get an experts opinion and assesment and guidance I dont know who else I can trust to help me or who knows more than I do about trying to think of new ways to turn my life around and help inspire me. I hate it when people state the obvious in situations even though they are only trying to help.

But for those that love me and care and have been patient with me and stuck around, for all those people who texted me and told me to hang in there it will get better I am doing this for them, because they care about me right now more than I do about myself and I at least "owe" them that much for caring and to at least be able to say for all the love and support they are giving me....I did try, even If I fail.

To Vee a fellow blogger (one half of Vee and Jay), ...Thank you!

worse now

I spoke to my mum she came round to see me and she screamed at me for being self pitying and said i just have to deal with it and to stop feeling sorry for myself and moping around. I knew she wouldnt understand. she ended up storming out when i told her that if she didnt understand just say so instead of shouting at me, I told her i wont ever tell her how i am feeling ever again, i mean it too.

Maybe i dont make sense. maybe what I am getting upset about is all in my head. maybe i thought life was supposed to be this wonderful thing, if you did things a certain way and now i'm disappointed when it isnt. I dont care if 90% of people are unhappy and just deal with it. I'm not. The worst thing is no one else can help me to make sense of it. no one else can help. life is what you make it right... blah blah i used to think that too I now understand why people just disappear, just go missing. you see it on the tv families and friends not seeing them for years appealing for them to come "home". Maybe because they feel how I feel. I want to disappear but hiding in my home if much safer and warmer, sometimes i want to just jump on a train and not come back, maybe 50% of homeless people start out like me and end up like "them"

I wanted to scream at her "I dont want to fucking end up like you!!!" but i couldnt, i couldnt disrespect my mum like that. She doesnt get it i know that. its not her fault she probably has never questioned life the way i do. if she has i think tonight she forgot.

I feel worse now than ever, i feel so numb and tears are rolling down my face i dont want to eat to punish myself i dont want to leave the house. the one person i thought may be gentle with me and give me a hug she couldnt. I hate the fact she thinks of me as self pitying i hate it, i dont think i am, i cant even turn to the hospital for help and tell them how i am feeling they might send to the "mad house" for a week or two and then that will be on my permanent record, i hate it when people say what are you going to do when you have a baby and you feel this bad, it hurts so much when they say that, I understand their concerns but i feel they dont know me, my mum said it, i wouldnt feel this way but they dont know me obviousy as much as they think they do, sometimes i feel as though maybe in the past i have given up too easily on my dreams, i wish i was more competitive instead i wouldnt fight for first place i woud be happy with second maybe thats why i am where i am today, maybe thats the thing maybe i just didnt fight hard enough when i should have fear of failing fear of rejection.

I envy people that let the disappointments make them more determined, Survival of the fittest indeed. I wish i was that way, maybe i am just to weak to soft. Maybe what i thought as a child that I didn't belong here was true.

What's the point?

Stayed in bed all dat today, mainly because I feel really low again. Things seem to be spiralling out of control in my head and I am even worried about myself. Not going to feel guilt or apologise for myself with the "starving children in Africa" syndrome or the " there is a man with no feet whilst you are busy crying about not having shoes".

I feel like I have no real purpose in life, I feel like I am just drifting along aimlessly. No matter what I try it all falls flat. Starting to wonder, if there is no point to life why am I bothering to wake up anymore? I dont know how I got here in my life at this age.

By 30 I wanted so many things for myself, I saw greatness and purpose, I saw happiness and fulfilment. I believed with every fibre of my being that life is what you make it.
I have non of those things, I AM non of those things, granted I dont want for money I am ok and content with that, I learned to live within my means and now do just fine with nice things but that is all that they are THINGS.

I give to friends and family financially so I am not a selfish person, I give to the needy when I can and even sometimes when I cant, just because in that moment I know I have more than they do at that time and at least I have a roof over my head with my own front door key to come and go as I please, clothes on my back and food to eat. If I was ever hard up I know I could make more money and sell the nice things I own, but stripping that all down.........I feel as though I have nothing.

I was never materialistic even as a child, my parents lived in two differenet worlds so I had the experience of a rich and lavish lifestyle from my "part-time dad" even if I did go home to a more modest existence with my mum. I know what it's like to jet set around staying in 5 star hotels as a kid, so as an adult those htings mean little to me, I know what its like to mingle with the inheritantly wealthy, I know what its like to not have much to eat in stark contrast. My dad was a selfish bastard in many respects.

Confusing as a child yet as an adult I learned to make do with what I have until I have it, so it seems funny to me that even though all I ever wanted was to have successful career and use my success to get messages of love and compassion and charity across to others not even thinking about finacially being ok, money is what I have ( at least for now) yet purpose is lacking.

What is the point of having nice things and a nice home if those things dont make you happy. I feel that even though I have enough money to not worry too much I have no purpose in my life, I work (when I can/or want to these days) I shop, I stay home, I travel, I give back. Surely I should be happy right?

I'm not.

I go to sleep crying and questioning my existence. I wake up numb. I used to have hope and a positive outlook on life for the most part, I once belived everything happened for a reason, what if it doesnt? What if there is no rhyme or reason to existing and that thing called Karma is a bunch of horseshit. What if religion and spirituality is only something people invented because they had nothing else to explain their miserable and sad existence.

I was raised to be religious or shall we say have religious awareness, as my mum was not active in going to church ( my nan was) and I am sure sometimes with all the shit we suffered as a kid she wondered if there really was a god at some point between working 2 jobs and fighting to keep us in clothes and food and love as a family unit.

She did well granted, neither me nor my brother have turned to drugs or crime or hang with the wrong crowd, we both are really good loving people and considering we lived in one of the most deprived areas in london rife with drugs, guns and crime we both turned into really upstanding individuals, not hooked on crack, drink like fishes, or follow our peers (we are both into going our way even if its against the grain) or have any enemies in life.

Maybe in that respect If her faith never faltered, whatever it was she believed in it served her well, even when we lost the family home due to a huge council fuck up and they offered to take my brother into foster care because they wouldnt find anywhere for my mum to live she hung in there refusing to let that happen and praying things would get better. I later found her a place to live after she lived with me for a while. She showed amazing strength and positivity.

Maybe having kids to push you foward does that to you, maybe the knowledge that you are not just living for YOURSELF can do that to a person, I dont know. All I know is without that high flying career or job that was worth while, without children, or without at least a sense of why I am here, one of the three is all I ask for I dont see the point anymore. I am going to be 30 years old in two months far from where I wanted to be, so far from it I ache, I feel as though I have done everything in my power to make my life happen, I don tbelieve in having things handed to you on a plate, I do however think you have to work for things but dammit I am tired, tired of having doors shut in my face, tired of one minute thinking I know exactly what it is I am supposed to do then when I go for it it falls flat.

I had a clearer sense of where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there when I was 16, now 14 years later I am so confused and fucking frustrated with life I want to give up, I want to cash in my chips and go "home". I dont want to gamble anymore, walking through life without a fucking torch is no fun and whatever sick fuck thought it would be has no compassion.

I dont answer my phone these days, I tried to talk to my best mate about things but she just went on about believing in God and and staying strong and the devil attacking you... OMG! I tell you, as much as I love her and at times she is so much strength to me and I wont have her belief riddiculed by anyone but religion was the last thing I wanted to hear last night. Sick of hearing it will work out, sick of hearing all in good time and the testing of faith......Stud I love you, but last night for the first time in 7 years of talking to you almost everyday you made me feel worse after our little chat. She was trying to help I know.

I turned to Daddi for maybe some advice and comfort and reassurance of a spiritual nature. Didnt help either, instead I had questions that came across as challenges and made hym feel bad. I guess some of us believe what we believe and we cant prove it to anyone else they have to see it for themselves.... whetever "IT" is. Speaking of which, maybe the thing that these people belive in really is an "IT" of the Stephen King kind. They just dont know it yet.

I used to find comfort in the belief that something higher and more powerful than me existed and had a plan for me........Not anymore I dont think. I am in a black hole and I am upset and angry and lost. I wouldnt feel so bad if I just sat on my arse all day and didnt do anything but complain, if I never got proactive with my life and did nothing to change it but honestly I do. I try EVERYTHING I can think of, I put my heart and soul ( if there is such a thing) into what I do hoping for the best. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE!!!!

I dont know what is stopping me from taking my own life tonight, I dont even know if whatever it is will last very long, maybe I am so fucking low all I can do is sleep as a form of "death" itself to get me through to tomorrow. I know life changes but that is not enough for me right now as it leaves me with the questions When? What to?

So....I sit and I cry, I debate in my head the fragments of thoughts that consume what little energy I have left to take my mind off the pain in my neck and the black heaviness inside that threatens to consume me unless I sleep before before it takes hold and makes the decision for me.

I dont want to leave my mum, sometimes I can see her crumbling by my grave thinking of all the things she went through to give me life and then I throw it back in her face by deciding to give up. I see her face age 20 years wondering what she will do without her right hand and sometimes I cry, I cry with sorrow and guilt because I wouldnt ever want to do that to her as I knoe suicide is a selfish act, then I cry with anger and rage because I wish I didnt have her to think about so that I could end this misery I feel.

The worse thing is I dont think if this passes and I am still here tomorrow that this will be the last time I feel like dying and giving up, and I wonder, if I still dont find a purpose for living, how long will the love for her be enough to keep me alive.