I spoke to my mum she came round to see me and she screamed at me for being self pitying and said i just have to deal with it and to stop feeling sorry for myself and moping around. I knew she wouldnt understand. she ended up storming out when i told her that if she didnt understand just say so instead of shouting at me, I told her i wont ever tell her how i am feeling ever again, i mean it too.
Maybe i dont make sense. maybe what I am getting upset about is all in my head. maybe i thought life was supposed to be this wonderful thing, if you did things a certain way and now i'm disappointed when it isnt. I dont care if 90% of people are unhappy and just deal with it. I'm not. The worst thing is no one else can help me to make sense of it. no one else can help. life is what you make it right... blah blah i used to think that too I now understand why people just disappear, just go missing. you see it on the tv families and friends not seeing them for years appealing for them to come "home". Maybe because they feel how I feel. I want to disappear but hiding in my home if much safer and warmer, sometimes i want to just jump on a train and not come back, maybe 50% of homeless people start out like me and end up like "them"
I wanted to scream at her "I dont want to fucking end up like you!!!" but i couldnt, i couldnt disrespect my mum like that. She doesnt get it i know that. its not her fault she probably has never questioned life the way i do. if she has i think tonight she forgot.
I feel worse now than ever, i feel so numb and tears are rolling down my face i dont want to eat to punish myself i dont want to leave the house. the one person i thought may be gentle with me and give me a hug she couldnt. I hate the fact she thinks of me as self pitying i hate it, i dont think i am, i cant even turn to the hospital for help and tell them how i am feeling they might send to the "mad house" for a week or two and then that will be on my permanent record, i hate it when people say what are you going to do when you have a baby and you feel this bad, it hurts so much when they say that, I understand their concerns but i feel they dont know me, my mum said it, i wouldnt feel this way but they dont know me obviousy as much as they think they do, sometimes i feel as though maybe in the past i have given up too easily on my dreams, i wish i was more competitive instead i wouldnt fight for first place i woud be happy with second maybe thats why i am where i am today, maybe thats the thing maybe i just didnt fight hard enough when i should have fear of failing fear of rejection.
I envy people that let the disappointments make them more determined, Survival of the fittest indeed. I wish i was that way, maybe i am just to weak to soft. Maybe what i thought as a child that I didn't belong here was true.
Maybe i dont make sense. maybe what I am getting upset about is all in my head. maybe i thought life was supposed to be this wonderful thing, if you did things a certain way and now i'm disappointed when it isnt. I dont care if 90% of people are unhappy and just deal with it. I'm not. The worst thing is no one else can help me to make sense of it. no one else can help. life is what you make it right... blah blah i used to think that too I now understand why people just disappear, just go missing. you see it on the tv families and friends not seeing them for years appealing for them to come "home". Maybe because they feel how I feel. I want to disappear but hiding in my home if much safer and warmer, sometimes i want to just jump on a train and not come back, maybe 50% of homeless people start out like me and end up like "them"
I wanted to scream at her "I dont want to fucking end up like you!!!" but i couldnt, i couldnt disrespect my mum like that. She doesnt get it i know that. its not her fault she probably has never questioned life the way i do. if she has i think tonight she forgot.
I feel worse now than ever, i feel so numb and tears are rolling down my face i dont want to eat to punish myself i dont want to leave the house. the one person i thought may be gentle with me and give me a hug she couldnt. I hate the fact she thinks of me as self pitying i hate it, i dont think i am, i cant even turn to the hospital for help and tell them how i am feeling they might send to the "mad house" for a week or two and then that will be on my permanent record, i hate it when people say what are you going to do when you have a baby and you feel this bad, it hurts so much when they say that, I understand their concerns but i feel they dont know me, my mum said it, i wouldnt feel this way but they dont know me obviousy as much as they think they do, sometimes i feel as though maybe in the past i have given up too easily on my dreams, i wish i was more competitive instead i wouldnt fight for first place i woud be happy with second maybe thats why i am where i am today, maybe thats the thing maybe i just didnt fight hard enough when i should have fear of failing fear of rejection.
I envy people that let the disappointments make them more determined, Survival of the fittest indeed. I wish i was that way, maybe i am just to weak to soft. Maybe what i thought as a child that I didn't belong here was true.
1 comment:
Honey I'm so sorry you're hurting so much and feeling so sad and hopeless. I'm sad for you that your mum reacted the way she did, but that's so often the response people give when faced with seeing someone they love so depressed - a kind of "pull your socks up and get over yourself" mentality.
I'm certainly no expert, but you sound pretty depressed to me. You've struggled with so much shit, particularly the baby stuff. Sometimes having to bear hurt like that day in and day out can make you down in a more serious way. Please try and talk to your GP about this. They're not going to lock you up, but they may well be able to give you something to help you get on top of this and out from under this black cloud. You're having a normal response to a terrible situation - it's nothing to be ashamed of and it's not your fault.
Take care.
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