R.I.P - If only.....

Damn I am so tired, these drugs are really making me sleep a lot.

I stayed in bed the entire weekend. Saturday I spent downloading songs and movies for my MP3 player that finally arrived.... I also downloaded complete Spanish and french audio language programmes for free and have been practising my Spanish, tried them both and just confused myself so doing one at a time.

After that, next stop is to brush up on my Greek, which is my language of choice but nowhere except Greece uses it and it is proving a little harder to find free Greek language programmes online to download to my MP3.

I watched the following films and here is my list and verdict;

1. Satan's Little Helper - in short a pile of wank, the little boy is the most annoying little shit, I almost wished Satan would do away with him first.



2. Drumline - liked it a lot actually, yet another black movie but this was easy to watch wasn't too cheesy and the actual drumline sequences are awesome to watch in the stadium.



3. I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - HILARIOUS a must see for all gay people too in my book. I hope they show it at the L&G film fest next year. It has some really funny moments and also has some really good serious messages. I have always liked Adam Sandler ( cant stand Jim Carey or Ben Stiller much) and to know he produced and helped direct this movie was warming to me. He is such a dick and I love him.

I have yet to watch so many others so... considering I am getting so many mixed messages about how contagious Shingles is I am going to stay home till the end of the week and watch them all, trying to stay off the snacks especially as I am seeing the dietician tomorrow to see if I really have lost any weight and what else I can do to speed it up as I currently cant exercise till I know for sure what is up with my neck ( and the shingles go away).

I was feeling really sorry for myself early this morning at about 1am and I had no one else to call but Daddi, I was scared if the truth be known. Lately I am finding that a lot of my emotions and responses are based in fear. I had a sharp pain in the left side of my head last night and it freaked me out it was so painful, I tried not to cry but my emotions got the better of me and being alone and not being able to stop the noises in my head is taking its toll on me.

The noise only slows down and quietens when I hold my breath which leads me to believe it has something to do with pressure being applied somewhere in my neck. The strange thing is the noise is getting louder, I thought maybe I was just more aware of it and was being a big baby but I'm not the noise IS getting louder and it is so distracting especially when watching TV and because it is resonating in my jaw and through my teeth, no matter how loud the volume on the TV I cant drown it out sometimes.

I feel like screaming "Enough already!!!!" but what good will that do? I know that there are people out there in far worse situations than me and not complaining or feeling sorry for themselves, but I wish that I could just get a break, the past 10 months have been hell. I have been racially abused in the street, abused by my ex, told I have large Fibroids, Poly cystic ovaries, endometriosis, possibly have Cervical spondylosis, shingles, is it any wonder I am a little fragile right now.

The frightening thing for me is that as you get older your health can only get worse. I started worrying about what will happen when I am 60-70 if my back will go, if my eyesight will go-the optician also says I am at a very high risk of having Glaucoma in my eyes so I have to get my eyes checked every 6-10 months-I just wonder what my life will be like... childless, ailing health and single LOL... Great!! I better start stocking up on cat food now.

I have said it a million times and I can only use these words to describe how I feel again, I am tired, so tired. Drained and I am finding it hard to even think positive these past few months. I don't see my friends anymore mostly because I feel like such a drag and also because I feel like the only thing I will have to talk about is how shitty I am feeling and how I currently hate my life situation. They say misery loves company.... Not mine.

I am even losing my faith in spiritualism, I know now is the time I should be displaying my tenacity and strength, but I cant, I'm really pissed and angry inside. How sad is that.

I cant stay still long enough to think about my next move to improve my life and situation without crying. One good thing is though that I am not smoking, been about 4 months now I think and not had one, so that's good. I don't even miss it, the smell makes me wanna puke and I don't miss how groggy and sick it used to make me feel after the final pull, also I am not comfort eating anymore, aside from Friday when I treated myself to sushi home delivery.

I have been getting fruits and juicing, eating balanced meals or very little and sometimes when I fancy something sweet I just have a bowl of weetabix with honey or dried fruit. So at least I am trying to do something to not wallow in the mire

I had my X-ray done today, it's going to take a week before i get the results... thanks Guys as if the pain is not bad enough, I have to wait to find out what it is, *sigh*.... well I guess I have had it for going on 6weeks now another week should not make a difference... except I fear it might seeing as it has been getting worse. Fuck it!!! believe me when I say I just want to crawl into a fucking corner and die sometimes. Thank (whatever it is ) that I have these tabs to make me sleep or who knows what the hell I'd do siting awake at night mind racing.

Daddi is worried I will get addicted to these pain killers, Not gonna happen. I am so inconsistent I could'nt have a habit if I tried.

Off to watch some TV, part of me wants to get out a lot of other issues, more meaningful topics off my chest on my blog but I am just too consumed with my own bullshit to be able to get into it right now. Maybe when my own life has leveled out then I can start getting off my chest the problems of the world and society today as I see it. Until that time, as self indulgent/pitying/complaining and navel gazing as my blogging appears to me to be, I will continue to vent how I feel about my life, me and the people in it.......Zzzzzzzzzz!