Knocking on Heavens door....

I was rushed to A&E at 1am on Monday morning due to almost blacking out with the pain in my neck that has progressed to my skull , I started to have panic attacks and the , drugs were not working.
On one hand I wanted to die and thought now is my chance, to do it the "right way", instead I got scared, I knew the only person with a spare set of keys that would find me would be my mum or baby brother. That wouldn't be fair to them. When I die I don't want them to find me.

I have been prescribed Diazepam for the pain and Citalopram for the depression. The drugs are still not working for the pain the only thing that helped was the gas in the ambulance but that only took the edge off the pain. I called the Ambulance only because I was scared that without the control of death I could be dying of a haemorage or something equally horrific. Believe me on less than 14 hours sleep in 6 days due to the pain and anxiety you would probably panic too.

Anyway I promised Daddi I would call the emergency services as I was crying uncontrollably, even though two nights previous I called the emergency doctor and they wanted me to leave the house at 2am to go about 2 miles to get the prscription only pain killers when I said I couldn't go they suggested that if I "felt"" like going then I should give them a call and they would have them ready for me even after I said I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. Surely it's their fucking job was to come out (I didnt say the latter)

Today I have taken double the dose of Diazepam and 3 paracetamol together to stop the pain, it seems to have worked but the relief seems to only last about 2 hours at the very most. I dont have much left. getting the results from my X-ray tomorrow and going in for an MRI on Wednesday to check my brain and my spine and the pain is so bad. I wonder what they will find. At this point if I was told I had 6months to live I would probably have much more hope than I do now.

I have been thinking about my death a lot lately, I think I would want to die in my sleep after a few good byes and a few sorry's maybe, don't really have anyone to say sorry to in my life as I have never really un/intentionally hurt someone and not apologised and explained. except I would tell my loved ones I was sorry I was not able to continue.

I know one thing, if i do try to end it all it wont be a cry for help, it will truly be because I have had enough. I have no appetite lately, partly due to the fact the tablets make me feel less hungry and sleepy all the time and partly due to the fact I cant look in the mirror I feel so fat and ugly I refuse to eat anything other than juice, crackers, milk and popcorn the milk and crackers are only because I dont want the tablets to make me sick on top of how I am already feeling.

The tablets also make me confused and have liitle memory loss, like what I was just watching on tv or the plot of a movie i had been watching, the injection I got at the hospital made me hallucinate and have the worst nightmare, I dreamt that I was looking down from a window into a front yard entrance and I saw some guard dogs chained up as security, then I noticed this one guy holding the chain and at first he was being nice then all of a sudden he wrapped the chain around the dogs neck and started to choke it to kill it, I could hear the dog screaming and whining in pain and I was so distraught I woke up terrified and the noises were so real, i wont ever forget seeing that poor dog wriggling and screaming for its life. I later noticed one of the side effects of really strong Diazepam is nightmares. I was too scared to go back to sleep even though I was really wobbly and drowsy.

I realised that since the age of 13 I have had depression I guess emotional abuse from all sides will do that to a kid after years and years of not fighting back (never from my mother or brother). Or maybe its hereditary, there seems to be statistics that back this up, I think my dad has it, looking back growing up as a child i remember people saying he would go missing for days on end and he would be in his flat not seeing or speaking to anyone. I ignored these things as an adult I didnt think it was significant, and maybe it is'nt, but one thing I know that IS significant, even though I have used the words "feeling depressed" in the past I never really used it and owned it. I just used it to identify the "phase" I was in and not as an Illness I have. Even Now i still cant get to grips with it, but the facts are there.

Looking back on all the feedback I have had from so called NHS "professionals" on Mental health and the reactions I would get from my doctors in the past they all made me feel as though it was all in my head, they negated my feelings and symptoms....

" Oh everyone gets down"
"You need a boyfriend"
" you may want to lose weight, being fat doesnt help"
" your just under a little stress"
" Pull it together/suck it up/Deal with it!"
"Everyone gets down sometimes....dont worry about it"
"Thats just part of life"

No, it's not.

I am realising now that I need to re-educate myself and get rid of my own insecurities and stigmas about suffering from this Illness and sufferers of it, I always thought "nah I am too analytical for it to affect someone like me, I am different". Acknowledging that it IS an illness and deal with it and not be ashamed or think it means I am not intelligent enough to get through it if I need to take tablets for the rest of my life to deal with this hell hole called life.

I'm crying right now for all the times asked/begged/ cried for help and no on listened to me sympathetically or understood me, I am crying for all the time I allowed my partners to say negative /degrading things to me when I couldnt shake the feeling of sadness for days and sometimes weeks - if only they knew the more they told me to "snap out of it" and the more they berated me for feeling so blue the longer it lasted. They didnt do it because they cared. They did it because they didnt believe it was REAL.

If it is not a physical ailment it doesnt exist and it is just you looking for attention, being over sensitive, being weak. That's why I shut myself away from others because so many dont get it. Hell, even I dont get it, so go figure.

It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between simply being down or feeling a little sad to being depressed. I finally acknowledge that I know I am depressed when I cant get out of bed or the house for days on end, when the only thing I feel I have left is my pride that makes me at least get up and and brush my teeth and have a bath everyday ( incase I get rushed to hospital/die I must have clean underwear or my nan will kill me if I survive Ha!).

I have to acknowledge that when I cant even bear to think about seeing anyone or talking to anyone that I am depressed.

When I think I am all alone and no one understands no matter how hard they try.... I'm depressed and when i feel I have nothing to look forward to in my life or the future and the feelings of worthlessness and hopelssness consume my every waking moment that I am depressed.

I have to acknowledge that when I can only think of death and my options or as my ONLY option.....I am depressed.

And if I think of these things every few months or so, for a few weeks at a time.....

I suffer from an illness called depression.

It hurts to admit, it hurts because I thought I was different....

"No Maybe I dont suffer from depression afterall, maybe it's just my way of recouping my energy shutting myself off from others"
"Maybe it's just my way of dealing with stress"
"look I am feeling better now and on top of the world maybe I cant suffer from depression"
"Maybe this, Maybe that......."

Facts to remind me.....copied from netdoctor.co.uk

Symptoms of depression Stress can lead to you to feeling 'down' and 'miserable'. What is different about a depressive illness is that these feelings last for weeks or months, rather than days. In addition to feeling low most or all of the time, many other symptoms can occur in depressive illness (though not everybody has every one).

• 
  Being unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable.
  
• Losing interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life.
  
• Feeling tired all of the time and having no energy.
  
• Difficulty sleeping or waking early in the morning (though some feel that they can't get out of bed and 'face the world').
  
• Having a poor appetite, no interest in food and losing weight (though some people overeat and put on weight - 'comfort eating').
  
• Losing interest in sex.
  
• Finding it difficult to concentrate and think straight.
  
• Feeling restless, tense and anxious.
  
• Being irritable.
  
• Losing self-confidence.
  
• Avoiding other people.
  
• Finding it harder than usual to make decisions.
  
• Feeling useless and inadequate - 'a waste of space'.
  
• Feeling guilty about who you are and what you have done.
  
• Feeling hopeless - that nothing will make things better.
  
• Thinking about suicide - this is very common. If you feel this way, talk to somebody about it. If you think somebody else might be thinking this way, ask them about it - IT WILL NOT MAKE THEM MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

I am suffering from all of the above... Go figure :(

I am not going to lie to myself or others around me I know the tablets wont make it go away, thats why I was reluctant to seek help again from anyone, the issues will still be there, the feeling of being a failure in life will still be there, the lost feeling....will still be there... the thoughts of simply dying I dont think will ever go away..... why? Because I dont know what else to do to sort myself out, to get to that "happy" place in my life where I see purpose and validation for my existence. and are at least content with where I am. I feared getting help in the first place this time because I was scared of the "what if's" and the feelings and thoughts that confirmed to me that no matter what I do the feelings will come back and I will be here again in a few months time, whining about the same thing.

I have been known to go almost two years without being this way... then the bitch came back and the fertility medical stuff started getting me down. I guess it's no wonder.

I do am a resourceful person and I think my issue is I dont think anyone can suggest anything to me that I have not already tried and unless I get an experts opinion and assesment and guidance I dont know who else I can trust to help me or who knows more than I do about trying to think of new ways to turn my life around and help inspire me. I hate it when people state the obvious in situations even though they are only trying to help.

But for those that love me and care and have been patient with me and stuck around, for all those people who texted me and told me to hang in there it will get better I am doing this for them, because they care about me right now more than I do about myself and I at least "owe" them that much for caring and to at least be able to say for all the love and support they are giving me....I did try, even If I fail.

To Vee a fellow blogger (one half of Vee and Jay), ...Thank you!

What's the point?

Stayed in bed all dat today, mainly because I feel really low again. Things seem to be spiralling out of control in my head and I am even worried about myself. Not going to feel guilt or apologise for myself with the "starving children in Africa" syndrome or the " there is a man with no feet whilst you are busy crying about not having shoes".

I feel like I have no real purpose in life, I feel like I am just drifting along aimlessly. No matter what I try it all falls flat. Starting to wonder, if there is no point to life why am I bothering to wake up anymore? I dont know how I got here in my life at this age.

By 30 I wanted so many things for myself, I saw greatness and purpose, I saw happiness and fulfilment. I believed with every fibre of my being that life is what you make it.
I have non of those things, I AM non of those things, granted I dont want for money I am ok and content with that, I learned to live within my means and now do just fine with nice things but that is all that they are THINGS.

I give to friends and family financially so I am not a selfish person, I give to the needy when I can and even sometimes when I cant, just because in that moment I know I have more than they do at that time and at least I have a roof over my head with my own front door key to come and go as I please, clothes on my back and food to eat. If I was ever hard up I know I could make more money and sell the nice things I own, but stripping that all down.........I feel as though I have nothing.

I was never materialistic even as a child, my parents lived in two differenet worlds so I had the experience of a rich and lavish lifestyle from my "part-time dad" even if I did go home to a more modest existence with my mum. I know what it's like to jet set around staying in 5 star hotels as a kid, so as an adult those htings mean little to me, I know what its like to mingle with the inheritantly wealthy, I know what its like to not have much to eat in stark contrast. My dad was a selfish bastard in many respects.

Confusing as a child yet as an adult I learned to make do with what I have until I have it, so it seems funny to me that even though all I ever wanted was to have successful career and use my success to get messages of love and compassion and charity across to others not even thinking about finacially being ok, money is what I have ( at least for now) yet purpose is lacking.

What is the point of having nice things and a nice home if those things dont make you happy. I feel that even though I have enough money to not worry too much I have no purpose in my life, I work (when I can/or want to these days) I shop, I stay home, I travel, I give back. Surely I should be happy right?

I'm not.

I go to sleep crying and questioning my existence. I wake up numb. I used to have hope and a positive outlook on life for the most part, I once belived everything happened for a reason, what if it doesnt? What if there is no rhyme or reason to existing and that thing called Karma is a bunch of horseshit. What if religion and spirituality is only something people invented because they had nothing else to explain their miserable and sad existence.

I was raised to be religious or shall we say have religious awareness, as my mum was not active in going to church ( my nan was) and I am sure sometimes with all the shit we suffered as a kid she wondered if there really was a god at some point between working 2 jobs and fighting to keep us in clothes and food and love as a family unit.

She did well granted, neither me nor my brother have turned to drugs or crime or hang with the wrong crowd, we both are really good loving people and considering we lived in one of the most deprived areas in london rife with drugs, guns and crime we both turned into really upstanding individuals, not hooked on crack, drink like fishes, or follow our peers (we are both into going our way even if its against the grain) or have any enemies in life.

Maybe in that respect If her faith never faltered, whatever it was she believed in it served her well, even when we lost the family home due to a huge council fuck up and they offered to take my brother into foster care because they wouldnt find anywhere for my mum to live she hung in there refusing to let that happen and praying things would get better. I later found her a place to live after she lived with me for a while. She showed amazing strength and positivity.

Maybe having kids to push you foward does that to you, maybe the knowledge that you are not just living for YOURSELF can do that to a person, I dont know. All I know is without that high flying career or job that was worth while, without children, or without at least a sense of why I am here, one of the three is all I ask for I dont see the point anymore. I am going to be 30 years old in two months far from where I wanted to be, so far from it I ache, I feel as though I have done everything in my power to make my life happen, I don tbelieve in having things handed to you on a plate, I do however think you have to work for things but dammit I am tired, tired of having doors shut in my face, tired of one minute thinking I know exactly what it is I am supposed to do then when I go for it it falls flat.

I had a clearer sense of where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there when I was 16, now 14 years later I am so confused and fucking frustrated with life I want to give up, I want to cash in my chips and go "home". I dont want to gamble anymore, walking through life without a fucking torch is no fun and whatever sick fuck thought it would be has no compassion.

I dont answer my phone these days, I tried to talk to my best mate about things but she just went on about believing in God and and staying strong and the devil attacking you... OMG! I tell you, as much as I love her and at times she is so much strength to me and I wont have her belief riddiculed by anyone but religion was the last thing I wanted to hear last night. Sick of hearing it will work out, sick of hearing all in good time and the testing of faith......Stud I love you, but last night for the first time in 7 years of talking to you almost everyday you made me feel worse after our little chat. She was trying to help I know.

I turned to Daddi for maybe some advice and comfort and reassurance of a spiritual nature. Didnt help either, instead I had questions that came across as challenges and made hym feel bad. I guess some of us believe what we believe and we cant prove it to anyone else they have to see it for themselves.... whetever "IT" is. Speaking of which, maybe the thing that these people belive in really is an "IT" of the Stephen King kind. They just dont know it yet.

I used to find comfort in the belief that something higher and more powerful than me existed and had a plan for me........Not anymore I dont think. I am in a black hole and I am upset and angry and lost. I wouldnt feel so bad if I just sat on my arse all day and didnt do anything but complain, if I never got proactive with my life and did nothing to change it but honestly I do. I try EVERYTHING I can think of, I put my heart and soul ( if there is such a thing) into what I do hoping for the best. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE!!!!

I dont know what is stopping me from taking my own life tonight, I dont even know if whatever it is will last very long, maybe I am so fucking low all I can do is sleep as a form of "death" itself to get me through to tomorrow. I know life changes but that is not enough for me right now as it leaves me with the questions When? What to?

So....I sit and I cry, I debate in my head the fragments of thoughts that consume what little energy I have left to take my mind off the pain in my neck and the black heaviness inside that threatens to consume me unless I sleep before before it takes hold and makes the decision for me.

I dont want to leave my mum, sometimes I can see her crumbling by my grave thinking of all the things she went through to give me life and then I throw it back in her face by deciding to give up. I see her face age 20 years wondering what she will do without her right hand and sometimes I cry, I cry with sorrow and guilt because I wouldnt ever want to do that to her as I knoe suicide is a selfish act, then I cry with anger and rage because I wish I didnt have her to think about so that I could end this misery I feel.

The worse thing is I dont think if this passes and I am still here tomorrow that this will be the last time I feel like dying and giving up, and I wonder, if I still dont find a purpose for living, how long will the love for her be enough to keep me alive.

R.I.P - If only.....

Damn I am so tired, these drugs are really making me sleep a lot.

I stayed in bed the entire weekend. Saturday I spent downloading songs and movies for my MP3 player that finally arrived.... I also downloaded complete Spanish and french audio language programmes for free and have been practising my Spanish, tried them both and just confused myself so doing one at a time.

After that, next stop is to brush up on my Greek, which is my language of choice but nowhere except Greece uses it and it is proving a little harder to find free Greek language programmes online to download to my MP3.

I watched the following films and here is my list and verdict;

1. Satan's Little Helper - in short a pile of wank, the little boy is the most annoying little shit, I almost wished Satan would do away with him first.



2. Drumline - liked it a lot actually, yet another black movie but this was easy to watch wasn't too cheesy and the actual drumline sequences are awesome to watch in the stadium.



3. I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - HILARIOUS a must see for all gay people too in my book. I hope they show it at the L&G film fest next year. It has some really funny moments and also has some really good serious messages. I have always liked Adam Sandler ( cant stand Jim Carey or Ben Stiller much) and to know he produced and helped direct this movie was warming to me. He is such a dick and I love him.

I have yet to watch so many others so... considering I am getting so many mixed messages about how contagious Shingles is I am going to stay home till the end of the week and watch them all, trying to stay off the snacks especially as I am seeing the dietician tomorrow to see if I really have lost any weight and what else I can do to speed it up as I currently cant exercise till I know for sure what is up with my neck ( and the shingles go away).

I was feeling really sorry for myself early this morning at about 1am and I had no one else to call but Daddi, I was scared if the truth be known. Lately I am finding that a lot of my emotions and responses are based in fear. I had a sharp pain in the left side of my head last night and it freaked me out it was so painful, I tried not to cry but my emotions got the better of me and being alone and not being able to stop the noises in my head is taking its toll on me.

The noise only slows down and quietens when I hold my breath which leads me to believe it has something to do with pressure being applied somewhere in my neck. The strange thing is the noise is getting louder, I thought maybe I was just more aware of it and was being a big baby but I'm not the noise IS getting louder and it is so distracting especially when watching TV and because it is resonating in my jaw and through my teeth, no matter how loud the volume on the TV I cant drown it out sometimes.

I feel like screaming "Enough already!!!!" but what good will that do? I know that there are people out there in far worse situations than me and not complaining or feeling sorry for themselves, but I wish that I could just get a break, the past 10 months have been hell. I have been racially abused in the street, abused by my ex, told I have large Fibroids, Poly cystic ovaries, endometriosis, possibly have Cervical spondylosis, shingles, is it any wonder I am a little fragile right now.

The frightening thing for me is that as you get older your health can only get worse. I started worrying about what will happen when I am 60-70 if my back will go, if my eyesight will go-the optician also says I am at a very high risk of having Glaucoma in my eyes so I have to get my eyes checked every 6-10 months-I just wonder what my life will be like... childless, ailing health and single LOL... Great!! I better start stocking up on cat food now.

I have said it a million times and I can only use these words to describe how I feel again, I am tired, so tired. Drained and I am finding it hard to even think positive these past few months. I don't see my friends anymore mostly because I feel like such a drag and also because I feel like the only thing I will have to talk about is how shitty I am feeling and how I currently hate my life situation. They say misery loves company.... Not mine.

I am even losing my faith in spiritualism, I know now is the time I should be displaying my tenacity and strength, but I cant, I'm really pissed and angry inside. How sad is that.

I cant stay still long enough to think about my next move to improve my life and situation without crying. One good thing is though that I am not smoking, been about 4 months now I think and not had one, so that's good. I don't even miss it, the smell makes me wanna puke and I don't miss how groggy and sick it used to make me feel after the final pull, also I am not comfort eating anymore, aside from Friday when I treated myself to sushi home delivery.

I have been getting fruits and juicing, eating balanced meals or very little and sometimes when I fancy something sweet I just have a bowl of weetabix with honey or dried fruit. So at least I am trying to do something to not wallow in the mire

I had my X-ray done today, it's going to take a week before i get the results... thanks Guys as if the pain is not bad enough, I have to wait to find out what it is, *sigh*.... well I guess I have had it for going on 6weeks now another week should not make a difference... except I fear it might seeing as it has been getting worse. Fuck it!!! believe me when I say I just want to crawl into a fucking corner and die sometimes. Thank (whatever it is ) that I have these tabs to make me sleep or who knows what the hell I'd do siting awake at night mind racing.

Daddi is worried I will get addicted to these pain killers, Not gonna happen. I am so inconsistent I could'nt have a habit if I tried.

Off to watch some TV, part of me wants to get out a lot of other issues, more meaningful topics off my chest on my blog but I am just too consumed with my own bullshit to be able to get into it right now. Maybe when my own life has leveled out then I can start getting off my chest the problems of the world and society today as I see it. Until that time, as self indulgent/pitying/complaining and navel gazing as my blogging appears to me to be, I will continue to vent how I feel about my life, me and the people in it.......Zzzzzzzzzz!

Home

Well It's been a roller coaster ride the past two weeks, as if my life isn't usually (insert eye roll here) .
I have just arrived home and I am shattered, laden with gifts and talismans, pictures, Fertility stones, memorabilia and emotions.

Due to the pain in my neck and also a itchy sore rash that had developed since I was unwell with that "cold" I rushed to the doctors today and it turns out I am suffering from shingles hence the rash and the "cold", the doctor gave me some cream to apply 5 times a day, the neck pain is yet unknown so I have been given super pain killers and anti inflammatory pills that I have to take 3 times a day and due to go back in a fortnight for a check up.

This doctor is really nice and was the one who put me forward for the fertility treatment, he asked how I was doing and we had a chat, he thinks I am suffering from depression after he asked me a few questions and talked about my slepping patterns etc blah blah and has arranged for me to see a therapist and start Cognitive Analytical therapy again (CAT), I am due to see the dietician about my weight loss next Tuesday.

The doctor said when asked that the shingles could haven been due to stress and exhaustion amongst other things... I figured that made sense.

The flight back was as hideous as the flight there, the loos were not working right, the in flight entertainment was on the blink and I was squashed between two's

(saw the wine in the local supermarket and had to take a picture)

......Who snored like troopers, took up all the room and both arm rests. I got no sleep the entire flight, the air stewards talked loudly amongst themselves about divorce, flights to Singapore, and the changing style of the US AIRWAYS uniform and how many limited edition scarves they accumulated to sell on to others, also not forgetting to mention that whilst the captain was talking to the passengers and giving us information they talked over him making it hard to hear updates. So needless to say I was cranky all the way home.

The last week of being in Florida was wonderful after our talk Daddi stepped up hys game and we did things and connected better, we discussed some deep topics and really got to know each other better. In Daddi's true spiritual way we both were able to see the positive in the hiccups and repressed feelings that arose during the first week.

And not forgetting to mention the sex was great *ahem*, the conversation was enlightening and stimulating and I think we gained more respect for each other, I met the parents and went Halloween shopping with Little Star, spent the day at the Beach and generally enjoyed my last week to the fullest.

I have a slightly different perspective on things and my life as well as acknowledgements of the things I need to work on. I was also given a handful of stones said to help with fertility that they bought for me before I arrived along with a giant rose Quartz crystal.

CARNELIAN: red-orange, yellow, brown
Promotes action, courage, helpfulness; stops confusion, inner attunement, cleanses, purifies, opens the heart, lifts emotions, protects from envy and fear and provides perceptiveness. Aids healing in the areas of gall bladder, kidney function, infertility, rheumatism and relieving cramps; stimulates the absorption of vitamins; ensures good blood circulation.

CHRYSOCOLLA: green to turquoise
Soothing and relaxing; promotes patience, flexibility, self-awareness, acceptance of change; and encourages clarity. Aids healing in the areas of infections (particularly throat and tonsils), digestion, and liver function; reduces fever; heals burns faster; lowers blood pressure.

GARNET: usually red, also found in green, brown, black, pink, orange and yellow
Promotes new beginnings, sexuality, prosperity; ends crisis; helps cope with daily problems; feminine strength, compassion, courage, attraction; eliminates energy blocks and taboos; encourages self-confidence and creativity. Aids healing in the areas of cell regeneration, immune system, arthritis and bones; accelerates wound healing, stimulates metabolism and circulation; anti inflammatory.

SUNSTONE: orange, brown iridescent
Promotes leadership, self-worth, good luck, optimism, desire for action; anti-depressant. Stimulates self-healing powers.

And the large one (as big as my hand and I have big hands) daddi gave me from his personal collection.

ROSE QUARTZ: pink
Rose Quartz is the stone of "gentle love" bringing peacefulness and calm. It also promotes beauty, purification, recovery, angelic dreams, well being, self-love, self confidence, romance and sensuality. Aids healing in the areas of depression, blood circulation, heart fortification, sexual problems and encourages fertility.

Hy is really caring and thoughtful.. Thanks Daddi. xx

Saying goodbye at the airport was hard, we took silly pictures together and generally made the best of the time we had left, as we were hugging our final goodbyes at the departure gate James Morrison's 'Undiscovered' played on in the background and we both giggled at the coincidence. One of the first things I sent Daddi in the beginning of our getting to know you stage was a link to the You tube video of this song and basically said this was me, I'm not lost, just undiscovered.

Daddi is coming to the UK for my 30th Birthday.

Here Birdie birdie.....

I must say though I thought the USA was bizarre with regards to many things, I forgot how hell bent they are on making people Fat.

The food is salty, the sugar content in everything including bread was shocking to my taste buds, they put butter on almost everything and generally it is no wonder they are overweight, I mean, we have our issues here too I know but not once did I see an advert/infommercial promoting the 5 a day lifestyle or to drink more water. There food is deep fried and mostly processed... I wonder what other parts of the US are like regarding this?

I never missed the UK so much in my life, I missed my juicer, they all drink soda and so had to buy water as daddi is not really that healthy much to my disappointment but ahh well. I missed my veg and had to constantly remind hym to take me to the store to get veg and fruit. When I finally had a balanced meal of cous cous and veg, my taste buds went crazy and my energy levels went through the roof.

The most shocking thing about the US for me so far was their infommercials promoting medication and drugs with sometimes fatal side affects and the amount of drugs that were being promoted but not even FDA approved and stated so or ommitted to state, basically telling the viewer take at your own risk...of death or the condition worsening.

Try to imagine turning on your tv screen to see an advert promoting a new product to help cure allergies and hay fever etc which you are in much need of as the old med is not working only to then hear the voice over state that-and I quote....

May cause temporary blindness, cataracts, eye and or
nasal infection, dizziness, headaches and rash.

WTF!?!

It doesnt end there, they currently have a new razor out that is said to be the best razor yet and if you order now they will send you a second one half price with a free butchers knife WTF!?!

Sheeesh!!!

I would go again though I woud just know better and try harder to shop at the irght places now I know where to go ...just have to get driving again.

Anyway.... before I go I wanted to share with you an artist I am keeping my eye on, you can find her Myspace page on my list of pages I like to visit, I think her voice is amazing and so far this is my fave song.

5 Hours Behind....

Hey

I am just checking in as I arrived yesterday but I didn't fair too well on the travelling and the connecting flight and stuff so taking today to chill out and get some more sleep as Daddi and offspring are out at work and school, well I will call her STAR, today she is on a field trip and guess what??.....

They have this mini village here that the kids get to go and learn at how to be Cashiers, Managers, Bank clerks and the such, so for the day they get to go to "work"....How cool is that!! The shops are exact replicas of the real shops, banks etc

They even teach them how to write cheques and handle money and about business, this is all part of the school curriculum. Star is a darling, she is mixed race beautiful eyes and features just like her Mum, you definitely know who her mother is looking at them.

I am spending the day to get better sleep and playing video games and playing with the miniature poodle called 'Frou'. Yeah a butch with a poodle... I know.. long story and to be honest it is not mine to tell so....Let's just laugh out loud at the irony. :o) LOL

I will give you an update later and also tell you what the argument was all about.

But for now, I am here and going to rest today.

Thank You...

Morning,

It's 05:42am....why am I up? well I woke up with that neck stiffness again. I had a good nights sleep last night and thought I'd sorted the problem but evidently not. I am not sure if this is stress related.

Anyway I woke up at about 04:45am and decided to root out the muscle relaxant/anti inflamatory tabs I had been given a few months back to maybe do the trick......WELL... it was obviously not a few months back, I rooted around in that draw you know the one you always keep shit in for a "rainy day" because you are a secret hoarder located in the kitchen? only to find it expired in May of this year.....Not advisable to take so I didnt but I did look in my book 'Before you Call the Doctor' By the people's favourite doctor. Dr. Hilary Jones. (God that's a 'Faggoty Arse Faggots' name if ever I heard one.....Just messing)

Picked this book up in Matalan about 4 months ago for about £3....So I consulted the almanac and decided that my symptom was not included in its entirity so I called NHS DIRECT.... In case ya wondering it's a fabulous service. (0845 46 47... hey look ya never know).

After going through a few questions it was determined I try taking pain killers, which believe it or not I had yet to do. Not because I am one of the 7 dwarfs but simply because being a stiffness in the neck - and now a mild ear ache - I didnt want to be numb to the pain incase I worsened the condition without being able to feel it.

Anyway on the advice I was given by the nurse I am going to look for some Ibuprofen...lets hope it's not in the same draw (eek - exp 10/2000 LOL just kidding). I also didnt hang up without expressing my appreciation for the people doing this service around the clock so -mild hypercondriac- people like me can sleep well at night not worrying.

Yes the NHS fucks up but you know what!?!.. In my experience between the 24 hour emergency doctor, 24hour NHS direct helpline (where you get to speak to a trained nurse) and the NHS drop in centre open from 08:30am-...wait for it.........22:00PM I am happy with the service I get. I am also aware this is not the case for everyone around the counry but I have to give credit where credit is due.

OK the birds are starting to sing now so I am going to end this with saying what I orginally started this post to say....

Thank you to all the people who read and comment on my Blog, I am still new to this and not sure if I reply on your blog to things you have said on mine, if I reply on MY blog to things you have said on mine or if I simply just publish them. So Just to show my appreciation (and confusion) I thought I would start a post just to thank all the past, present and future readers/comment posters of my Blog. It's is the fact you are reading I continue to write and I welcome your comments, positive and maybe not so.

DDxxxxx

Come back later, I will fill you in on the mini argument I had with Daddi last night....

Butch power - Femme Submission

Image courtesy of artist Jack Vettriano

I like butch women

I find the power they have enticing

They don't care they look like dykes

They are very open with their masculine traits

They are bold and I like to think they are in control

I like to surrender my control and self to a butch,

it makes me feel wanted and desired,

to have Daddi tell me what to do and do with me as hy pleases.

I like pleasing,

I like to be told I am a good girl for taking the sweet punishment of penetration

Taking it ALL inside to please Daddi....

I like to lay there and be tortured into submission

when I disobey and the glint of defiance flashes in my eyes...

I like to be shown who is boss when

my stubborn ways get the better of me

And

I resist Daddi's advances much to hys disapproval and entertainment

Reenacting the desires and scenes that send Daddi over the edge only fuel to excite me Make me want to become those characters,

Willing hym to take and torture, then finally to reward,

Reward me for all the good behaviour,

Reward me for all the submission I have given and the trust....

To then be cradled out of my mental 'sub space'

Wrapped in the arms of Daddi bringing me back.

To warmth,

To tenderness.......

To love....

Don't Cry....

Hey.....

Not sure what to say about this feeling I have inside but I seem to be opening up to Daddi more and more, sometimes I even surprise myself with tears and overflowing emotions that I have stored inside for so long. The abusive relationships physical and emotionally, the fear of not being on track and the feeling of being lost that I just cant see to get rid off.

I never want people to see that side of me its too painfully vulnerable. Fear of what they might think if they saw the cracks, the depressed 14 year old resurfacing. I have to be strong, not just for me but I have people who rely on me to be strong and be a rock for them. I cant be weak.

I feel SO SO lost right now, everytime I think I am on track with my life be it a job prospect, motherhood trying to find my lifes purpose, something happens to dispel that and I am yet again back to square one, non the wiser about my direction just more confused than I was before.

I feel like I am playing a game and making all the wrong moves, only to exasperate my situation even more... everytime I think I have made the right move something happens and just shouts that I am not....Only life isnt a game, at least not for me.

It feels like I am in the Headmasters office and he is waiting for the correct answer whilst giving me clues but everytime I think a clue has given it away and I reply ..................THWACK!!!.... i'm wrong and I have to try again....doing this for days on end, each clue seemingly easier than the last...... but my answers are still wrong.

I almost feel like I cant even trust my intuition anymore, what do I know???.............. Nothing.

I envy those that have a purpose to their lives, be it children that make them wake up in the morning, work that they enjoy that fulfils them and makes them satisfied or even a Monk who understands the order of life and sits happily contemplating. I long for that......I long for a feeling of peace and knowing and fulfilment. Sick of this empty life I lead.

I have nothing to wake up for in the morning, work?....work is just that. I do it to exist. sometimes I dont even feel like I am living, that's why sometimes I get more piercings, to FEEL something other than despair and pain and it's almost as though the pain, the healing pain grounds me to the here and now and confirms that I am alive.

I'm worn out....I feel truly worn out right now.

Here is the song that Daddi sent me last night, hy also included the words of the song in the email ....That made me cry too LOL....the things Hy says scares me but in a way I am almost welcoming someone who can do for me and be strong for me, I darent think too far ahead to what will happen if we want to be together.

I cant think that far ahead...its too much....I'm not ready to leave my home and my mum, leave my perfect co-parent and my chance for a baby here in the UK, I dont even think I am ready for a relationship, but to be honest I do need someone who has the wisdom Hy has and the life experiences that match mine with a similar outlook, I need someone who will be able to hold my hand when I am lost and whom I can trust to take care of me when I dont feel strong enough to take care of myself...

Anyway here is the video. The song is not my type but I listen to the words.

Hy sent this because I was doing a lot of crying on the phone last night.

"Don't Cry"

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Those tears are for someone else.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I hear you feel so alone.
My baby.
Ohh my baby.
Please my baby,
My baby,
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.
My baby.
Today I dreamed,
Of friends I had before.
And I wonder why.
The ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt.
But you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry.
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry oh...
Limousines and sycophants,
Don't leave me now,
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.
Is now the wolf.
In my bed,
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
The challenges, we took were hard enough.
They get harder now.
Even when we think that we've had enough.
Don't feel alone,
Cause it's I you understand.
I'm your sedative,
Take a piece of me whenever you can.
Don't cry.... you're not alone.
...don't be so hard on yourself...
Don't cry.... tonight my baby
...Those tears are for.....someone else...
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved
...I hear your voice on the phone...
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby
...I hear you feel... so alone.
Cause you still be loved
Don't cry
Don't cry tonight

Don't cry tonight
You'll still be loved..

THANK YOU DADDI xx

7 Days To GO..........

I really need to do something about my Pillows... I have been waking up with a crick neck for the past week now OWW!!

Well It is now 7 days till I meet her....


More about my feelings on that later, but Friday I had my PDA (mobile) stolen.

It was really bizarre I called DH to see if she wanted to meet up if she was in town and was hoping I would meet her after all this time but then I looked for my mobile on my way home on the bus and realised someone had pinched it as I got off. I duly reported it to my service provider and also the Police and got myself a crime reference number and also reported it to my insurance company.



The mad thing is I even called the Bus garage this morning in the hope that someone would hand it in....No joy.

To be honest the person who has it is buggered anyway as they cant get into the phone as it is locked with a password, the back street people who unlock phones wont be able to as I secured that only a few weeks prior to having it nabbed. And there is no way they can even use a different service provider SIM with the phone, so in short they are stuck with a phone they cant use anyway...... HA HAAAAA!!!



Not too upset now about it, at the time I was and went online to Daddi to get some consoling and well.. Hy didn't really know what to say and I kind of got arsey as I was all ready annoyed at Hym for not giving me the Full ADDRESS for the Tesco Internet phone I posted which resulted in the postman being unable to deliver it and it now being it's way back to the UK... The fucking postage cost more than the phone....... Well at least I didn't pay for it. BUT That is not the point. it is not even worth sending it again and I wont get it before I go so may have to take one with me and return the one I get back to Tesco when I get home.



So yes she felt my wrath LOL. Well all is OK now.



I am really looking forward to the break to be honest and hopefully I will have some fun too ;).



Hmm what else...?..... AH YES!! I am also selling an original signed poster from the Spice Girls I got when they were just starting out, it was one of the first promotional materials that Virgin their then record label put out and I have one, so it is now selling on Ebay... Hoping to get something for it.



I have been doing nothing but chillin' this past weekend and having great orgasms LOL with the aid of Daddi and the imagination of Yours Truly :D

I have now also resumed downloading movies from the net, I managed to fit 6 movies on one DVD and have been watching them on my new 32" screen in my bedroom... woohoo!!!!



Trying to think what else has been happening.....to be honest that is it really. I am feeling good in all but missing certain friends that I have failed to stay in touch with.... not feeling good about that but is partly because life has been so up and down. I do think I should get in touch. One in particular, I feel really guilty as I didn't make her birthday night drinks even though I said I would then at the last minute I fell asleep :o(. She is on facebook... I wonder if she is annoyed at me? I did apologies at the time though.

I am so excited about Monday, I assume it will go something like this for the next week....

Pack suitcase

get more items of summer clothing

re pack suitcase

sort out what shoes to carry

Double check I have packed everything I would possibly need

Unpack suitcase

re asses what shoes to carry

re pack suitcase

Go and get Manicure and Pedicure

Get hair done

Re-check documents

re-check clothes....in other words double check suitcase... LOL!

Try to get some sleep during the afternoon early evening so that I am not too tired in the morning as I know the excitement the night before will prevent me from sleeping altogether the later into the night I try to sleep so I am better off getting sleep early evening till about 10-11pm and If I am lucky will wake up refreshed at 2am watch some TV and get a bath for the long journey..... check my suitcase and that I have tickets and Passport and insurance documents in my matching PINK hand luggage :).

I am so excited I have not been back to the USA for almost 10 years.... I am hoping to go again in January for my 30th... we will see.

Here is a video that has been making me laugh lately... I LOVE Phil Collins and the Genesis stuff so this was hilarious for me to watch.... I have heard some people saying they just dont get the advert well I ahve just called the makers at Cadbury and they ahve said the following

The advert is meant to emulate the
feeling you get when eating a cadbury's chocolate bar

ROFL PMSL!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!

A Change is about to come......

Famous Last words, or Prophetic?

Well since last blogging I am starting to feel a little better about my life, so lets see... where do I start?....

Weeeell, the weekend before last, when I was feeling extremely horny I ended up on this website and saw a woman advertising for another, I was captured by her profile title 'Daddi seeks Hys Queen' ...

"Oooh"

I thought.. nice line. Now you know what sold me on that dont you...? Come on you must be getting to know me by now LOL... yep you got it, it was the word "Daddi".

I decided to click on the link to get more info, read through the criteria made sure she was butch and of a good height.. Tick .,.. Tick... and then if she wanted kids?... Ti- OH... it said she already had one and didnt want anymore. Now usually I would be put off but seeing as I am not looking for a relationship it didnt matter to me.

Well then I scrolled down and saw a pic.... CUTE!!!!.. interestingly enough this was a site mainly for women of colour- to be honest I was only on that site as I was looking for more erotic reading online and my curiosity made me look at the personals.. knowing full well they were all going to be in the USA. I was just curious is all. - This woman was white and clearly stated that she didnt care if people didnt like the fact she was on a site predominantly for women of colour she didnt discriminate. That got my attention.

I decided to email her and simply state that I wouldnt mind making a new friend and that I thought she was cute..... finally after adding a link to my picture and pressing send.. my pc broke again DOH!!

I waited anxioulsy the next day for a reply and when one came she asked if I thought she was cute as in " puppy dog cute"... that made me giggle, I used my PDA to respond and made it very clear I thought she looked sexy... well from then on we have been talking everyday via phone and the net, she is very spiritual, has a good job that is worthwhile and fulfilling that she loves, she has an adorable daughter and a great sense of humour.

I am planning to go and see her in two weeks.... OK OK most would think I was mad but to be honest I have done far riskier things in my time and she seems nice. Besides....

1) I had decided I needed a break from the UK for a couple weeks now as the stress of dealing with the bitch and the hozzie appointments have been getting me down.

2) I can afford it and why wait?!

3) I will be moving to the states anyway in a few years so why not take the opportunity to go and see as much of the place as possible

So why Not!?! I say, I will only live once and I have a good feeling about it, besides I think she may just be worth it even if we end up being only friends and not clicking in that way. I have always had a weaknes for American women especially the butch ones.. Mmmmm.

OK a bit more about her?.. Well she is 36, a Gemini, lives with her daughter and also is a counsellor appointed by the court system to help people with addictions.... I know!! I just keep finding these women with connections to alcohol and drugs in some form or another - it has been pointed out that maybe more people take part in these things than I know.

She is also a Reverend!! I LOL I know I know!! CRAZY!! or what!!?! Well anyway...... she is also into parapsychology and deals with supernatural phenomena... I am so excited!!! I have been really interested in that stuff from a child and finally meeting someone else who has a healthy interest is really exciting for me. Not only that but her life is lived by utilising Bhuddist beliefs and she is very spiritual as well as a realist.

I have sent her a Tesco internet phone so we can keep intouch for free and chat whenever we want.. its FREEEEEEE and we all know that Freeness is Goodness. She should get it soon.

I am not thinking she is Hysband material but you know what?... If she is then she is.

OK enough about that for a while.

I have also been thinking maybe I need to change my skills, talking to 'Stud' last night I was thinking maybe I should go into youth counselling... I know I would be a great counsellor and I love working with and helping to inspire young people. You may remember me talking about meeting this woman in the steam room a few weeks back and being sure she was a Lesbian... well how WRONG was I?? Very infact, I saw her this weekend and we had a chat as I was waiting for my Total body work out class to begin... Yes I went back for more punishment.....it turns out she is also trying for a baby with her BOYFRIEND and she is older than me.

She asked me what I did for a living and I told her, she asked if I would be interested in mentoring young people and giving talks on various topics?... I was shocked but agreed and also said that I had been thinking about doing youth work and opening up a centre in the past.

She said whe would email me this week with more info and obviously it would be unpaid.

Suits me.

I finsh at my current post on Friday, ... so that leaves me free to decide and go away on holiday for two weeks. I am already wondering what quals would give me the upper hand when I do finally go to the States.

Oh I just wanted to share something with you that 'Daddi' sent me to help me try to get through all the things I am going through right now and in particular I think the whole Fertility thing..

It is called 'Dying professors last lecture'




The last quote almost made me cry, this is one of the things I like about her, I get things like this that help me through what I am going through in life. Only my best friend and selective others think about me and my needs in this way and for that I will forever love them.

OK what else do I have to share ......My juicer is still going strong and I am losing weight.. I can feel it and also I am getting a lot fitter especially as I can now walk up 60 steps without being out of breath and without stopping whilst the others take the adjoining escalators at my local tube station. I will progress to running up them by this time 2010.

I recently heard that the Bitch is back on the drugs and drinking, I think I did the best thing to get away from her for good, she is far too destructive, maybe she is hurting but FUCKING GET COUNSELLING AND STICK WITH IT YA DOOFUSS!!! Anyway.... Anytime I feel an ounce of pity for her I think of all the shit I put up with. Daddi said something very interesting the other day.....

.." The closest us "Normal" people come to insanity is being in love"

I totally agree.....Thank you Daddi....xx

Too Skinny for Skinny Jeans

Hey
Well I cant stay long tonight I am shattered, I have had less than 16 hours sleep in 3 days.. Knackered. Not because of sex, just a lot going on and not eating properly, In fact I am even too skinny for my skinny jeans that I bought a month ago, if that.

My diet has been going well and I find if I dont get to eat dinner I make some juice with at least 5 different fruit and veg and I am good to go to bed. Speaking of which I am really in need to go to bed and get my groove on with my new 32 inches... ooh I didnt think I could take more than 3 LOL

Anyway I will fill you in later on speaking to a Butch Daddi online and thinking about going to Florida for two weeks the week after next....

Adults Only

Image courtesy of Jill Posener @ jillposener.com Her book 'Nothing But The Girl' is pretty cool.

OK, due to the fact I have been up since about 6am reading this persons blog and stories (click on the post title) I have now only got one thing on my mind and contrary to my last post guess what that is......SEX.

Now, not just any kind of sex,Oh No! for it has to be the 'hardest kind to find sex'.......Kinky-butch/femme sex. The submisisons are so erotic I am beside myself with desire and there is nothing I can do about it, no one to turn to for relief.

Now just before I go any further, since gaining readers I have been thinking alot about how I may be judged i.e my Kinks and my quest for mother hood, and I think just for the record I want to say:

Having Kinks does not make a person a bad candidate for parenting, a non consensual pervert and nor does it make you lose all sense of principles and morals.

Just in case some of you were thinking along those lines.

Back to the topic at hand. Thank you to Sugarbutch ( not yet figured out how to include a short url in my posts...can anyone help?) for her blog and allowing it to be open to the public.


It reminded of possibly the best ever (bottom) sex I have ever had and I am (almost)desperately trying to find that connection again, unfortunately it only lasted a couple weeks ( one of the non starters I spoke about in my last post - not sure how to link to that either...help!).

I will call her .....Blue69.

We met on a lesbian dating website and she didnt have a picture, but for some reason I was curious about her, after reading her profile I sent her a message of some kind....my memory fails me on details before our first date... so I shall proceed from there.

We aranged to meet up and I was invited to lunch at a rather swanky resturant/bar/amazing view of the city type location. As well as being eager I was running about 30 mins late in my short denim skirt long boots and a black, sexy yet classy top, that from the right angle - namely from above - you could see my oh so ample cleavage.

I arrived eventually after making a courtesy call saying I was going to be late and offering my apologies, upon arriving I immediately made my way to the ladies to look fresh and sexy, not frazzled and sweaty. Completing the job making sure I had not over done the make-up I didnt want to keep her much longer so out I stepped.

She was sitting by the bar at the back. WOW... She had short dark hair, the most beautiful eyes and a smile that just said she was nervous yet pleased. I was impressed. I was also nervous. She was wearing a black shirt and jeans. We matched.

After greeting me with a kiss on the cheek she ordered me a drink and we sat for awhile, talking about what? I dont remember so....I fast forward.>>>>>

We have a table booked and as we wait for them to open up the restaurant we go outside and take a look at the view, I brought my new digital camera and was eager to get it out and take a few snaps. I took one and as she stepped closer behind me to see the Image I wanted to immortalise form over my shoulder, I got a whiff of her fragrance....my knees almost buckled, how I didn't notice it before I don't know I think it was the nerves, from that point on the sexual charge was intensifying.


We finished our meal and a bottle of champagne then decided to go further into town. we ended up at a movie, we watched 'Transamerica' I remember because I kept the ticket stub, that was the only thing I remember...OH and the fact that Blue69 looked slightly awkward siting next to me, sometimes I would catch a glimpse of her and it was as though her eyes were looking at the movie but she was not watching, in hindsight I think her mind was racing else where.

Then we went into a bar, I waltzed upstairs hoping to find a spot more quiet, less crowded but I was told by the staff it was closed until later that evening, I was disappointed, why? at that time I was not sure.

Downstairs we found a round table and settled on high bar stools and drank, I had a fruit juice, she had beer. She rested her left foot on the foot rest below my stool, parting my legs - I should have known what was coming - she ordered me in a stern whisper to part my legs wider and come closer, I was shy and refused, she didn't like that, and little did I know I would later pay for my refusal that night.

As we drank and talked about nothing I remember, we decided we wanted to go somewhere more comfortable, so I asked her to wait as I went upstairs to the toilet (mainly to check my make-up).

Granted I was up there for a little while and as I stepped out of the cubicle she was standing before me and pushed me back in, to my surprise she pushed me against the cubicle wall and I asked her what she was doing, she said she thought this was what I wanted as she pulled aside my knickers and finger fucked me, I was not quite wet enough but she didn't care and neither did. I had to grab her around the shoulders to steady myself as she made me come.

I was so flustered and dazed.

We left the bar and moved onto another in the heart of SOHO. As we drank we were definitely deliberately teasing each other from across the table with our eyes, our words and eventually we had to go back to mine. The sex that followed was amazing, she dominated me so expertly I didn't have a choice, my submission was hers for the taking and I wanted her to feel 'all powerful' over me and revel in it. That she did. And she made me pay. I deserved it.

She was able to read my body like no one has ever done before and that is something I crave, the intensity between us was raw and that is something I constantly crave. I didn't sleep more than 5 hours that entire weekend, every time I tried, as I turned my back to doze off she would gently grab my waist from behind and press herself against me.


That sends me wild and once discovered, she knew and used it well. I think the fact she was a Police woman and in charge of a team of people also turned me on. She knew how to be in control and she knew how to push me to the limit enough to keep me wanting more, even when I thought I knew I couldn't take any more.

I loved the way she would tell me her darkest fantasies whilst fucking me, I wanted to be the helpless characters in them for her, I wanted to help her live them consensually. I came even more alive through her story telling, stories I wont ever repeat but no doubt her new wife now knows all about.

I can not even begin to describe how she made me feel, it was not about having an orgasm for me, sex never is. For me it's the journey, the teasing, the roles, the "dance", the head fuck. The sensations that overwhelm me when I know the Butch top is gaining more strength through power and getting aroused by being in control of my mind and body, you see in life I am in control and in charge, well as much as one can be, but in the bedroom I like that control taken away-but only by one who knows what they are doing -so that I can trust and reveal myself.

It ended far too quickly, I didn't get the chance to really explore my sub side, this was over a year ago now. Why did it end so quickly? I wanted kids and she didn't, she also didn't want to just fuck and see how things go. So to save getting deeper we called the whole thing off. You cant force someone to want kids when they don't and you cant force someone to not have them.

Am I sad? yeah a little but only because it took me nearly 10 years to open up and find what my kink was and then to find someone who just got it. To find that again will be hard I think.

I haven't got a clue where to start looking, finding her was not planned, if only she eventually wanted kids as well as a relationship wih me, they choice was there, I knew she wanted me back then. I only hope she is happy now and can only wish her the best.