A Change is about to come......

Famous Last words, or Prophetic?

Well since last blogging I am starting to feel a little better about my life, so lets see... where do I start?....

Weeeell, the weekend before last, when I was feeling extremely horny I ended up on this website and saw a woman advertising for another, I was captured by her profile title 'Daddi seeks Hys Queen' ...

"Oooh"

I thought.. nice line. Now you know what sold me on that dont you...? Come on you must be getting to know me by now LOL... yep you got it, it was the word "Daddi".

I decided to click on the link to get more info, read through the criteria made sure she was butch and of a good height.. Tick .,.. Tick... and then if she wanted kids?... Ti- OH... it said she already had one and didnt want anymore. Now usually I would be put off but seeing as I am not looking for a relationship it didnt matter to me.

Well then I scrolled down and saw a pic.... CUTE!!!!.. interestingly enough this was a site mainly for women of colour- to be honest I was only on that site as I was looking for more erotic reading online and my curiosity made me look at the personals.. knowing full well they were all going to be in the USA. I was just curious is all. - This woman was white and clearly stated that she didnt care if people didnt like the fact she was on a site predominantly for women of colour she didnt discriminate. That got my attention.

I decided to email her and simply state that I wouldnt mind making a new friend and that I thought she was cute..... finally after adding a link to my picture and pressing send.. my pc broke again DOH!!

I waited anxioulsy the next day for a reply and when one came she asked if I thought she was cute as in " puppy dog cute"... that made me giggle, I used my PDA to respond and made it very clear I thought she looked sexy... well from then on we have been talking everyday via phone and the net, she is very spiritual, has a good job that is worthwhile and fulfilling that she loves, she has an adorable daughter and a great sense of humour.

I am planning to go and see her in two weeks.... OK OK most would think I was mad but to be honest I have done far riskier things in my time and she seems nice. Besides....

1) I had decided I needed a break from the UK for a couple weeks now as the stress of dealing with the bitch and the hozzie appointments have been getting me down.

2) I can afford it and why wait?!

3) I will be moving to the states anyway in a few years so why not take the opportunity to go and see as much of the place as possible

So why Not!?! I say, I will only live once and I have a good feeling about it, besides I think she may just be worth it even if we end up being only friends and not clicking in that way. I have always had a weaknes for American women especially the butch ones.. Mmmmm.

OK a bit more about her?.. Well she is 36, a Gemini, lives with her daughter and also is a counsellor appointed by the court system to help people with addictions.... I know!! I just keep finding these women with connections to alcohol and drugs in some form or another - it has been pointed out that maybe more people take part in these things than I know.

She is also a Reverend!! I LOL I know I know!! CRAZY!! or what!!?! Well anyway...... she is also into parapsychology and deals with supernatural phenomena... I am so excited!!! I have been really interested in that stuff from a child and finally meeting someone else who has a healthy interest is really exciting for me. Not only that but her life is lived by utilising Bhuddist beliefs and she is very spiritual as well as a realist.

I have sent her a Tesco internet phone so we can keep intouch for free and chat whenever we want.. its FREEEEEEE and we all know that Freeness is Goodness. She should get it soon.

I am not thinking she is Hysband material but you know what?... If she is then she is.

OK enough about that for a while.

I have also been thinking maybe I need to change my skills, talking to 'Stud' last night I was thinking maybe I should go into youth counselling... I know I would be a great counsellor and I love working with and helping to inspire young people. You may remember me talking about meeting this woman in the steam room a few weeks back and being sure she was a Lesbian... well how WRONG was I?? Very infact, I saw her this weekend and we had a chat as I was waiting for my Total body work out class to begin... Yes I went back for more punishment.....it turns out she is also trying for a baby with her BOYFRIEND and she is older than me.

She asked me what I did for a living and I told her, she asked if I would be interested in mentoring young people and giving talks on various topics?... I was shocked but agreed and also said that I had been thinking about doing youth work and opening up a centre in the past.

She said whe would email me this week with more info and obviously it would be unpaid.

Suits me.

I finsh at my current post on Friday, ... so that leaves me free to decide and go away on holiday for two weeks. I am already wondering what quals would give me the upper hand when I do finally go to the States.

Oh I just wanted to share something with you that 'Daddi' sent me to help me try to get through all the things I am going through right now and in particular I think the whole Fertility thing..

It is called 'Dying professors last lecture'




The last quote almost made me cry, this is one of the things I like about her, I get things like this that help me through what I am going through in life. Only my best friend and selective others think about me and my needs in this way and for that I will forever love them.

OK what else do I have to share ......My juicer is still going strong and I am losing weight.. I can feel it and also I am getting a lot fitter especially as I can now walk up 60 steps without being out of breath and without stopping whilst the others take the adjoining escalators at my local tube station. I will progress to running up them by this time 2010.

I recently heard that the Bitch is back on the drugs and drinking, I think I did the best thing to get away from her for good, she is far too destructive, maybe she is hurting but FUCKING GET COUNSELLING AND STICK WITH IT YA DOOFUSS!!! Anyway.... Anytime I feel an ounce of pity for her I think of all the shit I put up with. Daddi said something very interesting the other day.....

.." The closest us "Normal" people come to insanity is being in love"

I totally agree.....Thank you Daddi....xx

"She's a HUMAN!!!"

This is funny, saw it on someone elses page and wanted to share it with you, this guy cant be for real.







I wanted to share some pics with you but the USB lead is at work so I will do it on monday.

I got up today and went to the leisure centre to do the 'Total Body Workout' class. I knew it was not going to be easy but fuckin' ell I almost died after doing step movements for 40 mins.

Now, I KNOW how to co-ordinate but you know what!?! after 20 mins all my co-ordination went out the window, I looked like an Octopuss on an 'E', arms flaing, legs struggling and all this to music, can you imagin the site? Pathetic was what it was.



I couldnt wait for the torture to be over, I felt like I wasn't black, like the blood of James Brown didnt flow through my veins and my ears from such an early age..... embarassing. Anywaaaay....



I couldnt wait to get in the pool and swiftly headed towards my locker downstairs, which was packed with my shopping from the Tesco's shop that I had decided to do before the class started, as I knew I would be too tired afterwards.



I went into the steam room which so happened to be 'Women Only' session and ended up talking to a group of women all from different walks of life and age groups, one was Australian Greek, one was Irish, one was Nigerian, one was Jamaican, one was Pakistani and their ages ranged from 29-55. A really good discussion ensued.



I am sure one was a lesbian, she worked for the Terrence Higgins Trust was always refering to her "partner" and in one comment she got pretty narky when one woman commented that her daughter also in training, like the said woman to be an STD advisor/nurse would probably be looking at penises all day, the woman got preeeeety shirty and indignant, and the fact she said that all Vaginas are different but most penises look the same, much to the woman's amazement. Anyway that was good enough for me. LLLLLLLesbiAN!!!



I then decided I had had enough and needed a swim now the pool was open. I got talking or rather I was accosted by this young girl who wanted to talk... ok... I thought, friendly girl, I asked her if she had come with her parent/s siblings or friends in an attempt to figure out why she was trying to make conversation with me, on doing so I felt really awkward almost like I was phishing, or I was an unsavoury character, but I only wanted to encourage her to go off and play with who ever she came with, afterall, I thought she has gotta be no older than 13/14 and here I am a big grown 30 year old woman I would have nothing to talk to her about.

Even though I like the youth and have considered Youth work to help them with any issues they may have, being around teenagers especially girls can make me nervous, I think that is due to my sexuality and not wanting to give them the wrong impression so I make big efforts to stay far and wide.



You see because I dont "hide" my sexuality but I dont look like a stereotype lesbian and I would not want it to come out that I am - which it will as I am an open person - and have a young girl think any of my actions were motivated by you know, gosh I cant even say it, its gross to think people could look at youngsters, young CHILDREN and think anything sexual.. it turns my stomach. Anyway.....



I kept my distance but she obvioulsy wanted to talk so, I adjusted my mindset to that of a younger person and made small talk to be friendly and asked her if she could do handstands underwater and somersaults just to be friendly, and didnt make tooo much effort to entertain her and infact I even went off for a swim on my own just to hopefully encourage her to go off and play with people her own age.

Well before I know it, bless her little heart, we are talking full flow, it started when she asked me what was the best way to lose weight and what exercise should she do to help? So.... I said that eating well and swimming, playing sports or dancing are fun ways to lose it.



From that moment on we had a nice discussion about weight and how much she would like to lose and that she wanted to be a vet and was going to college to do so this summer...... It turns out she was 16, and even though it still felt a bit weird, the fact she was asking for my advice made it easier.



An hour later she is confiding in me that she has smelly feet and doesnt know what to do about it and I try to be as honest and candid as I can about a problem that she is very embarassed about, at first it was an out of the blue question...

"What makes people have smelly feet?"



It took me by surprise..... I said it could be a number of things, mainly sweat and sometimes fungus, she then asked me what could someone use, I delicately shared an experience with her about sometimes having smelly feet in trainers and that making sure that you always wear clean cotton socks and maybe get some tea tree oil to rub on your feet after having a shower or bath and that also there are sprays and powders that could help and that it is a very common issue and not to feel too bad about it but pop along to the doctor and they could advise you better and maybe even give you a treatment of creams and potions to help.



The smile on her face was priceless, we then talked about her grades at school and she was very honest about her weight issue and laziness in losing it, to be honest it was a really nice conversation, I tried to help aleviate some of her fears and insecurities about herself when asked. We talked candidly about how being over weight makes your thighs rub together and that she uses nappy rash cream to help stop the soreness and it has worked but it doesnt stop them rubbing..... I said Honey! the only thing that will stop that is for us to lose weight... she saw the humour and laughed in agreement, we both have to lose 3stone.



I think for 2 hours I made a young girl feel normal and maybe a little less alone with some of her issues, that really made me smile particularly as I was always sure to let her steer the conversation and I kept it all about her only telling her about me to help her see that it is all ok and she is not the only one that has these issues but she can change them. I felt like a mentor or that cool aunt everyone has.



At 14:55 we decided to get out the pool before the rush as the session ended at 15:00 and I went off and got changed and met her after to say that it was nice talking to her, also I wanted to say that I may be there next week and wish her luck till then on her dieting, I guess I also wanted to say that if she wanted to talk to anyone about stuff and dieting she was free to call me, but I warned her about stalking me...and we laughed but I got a promise that she wouldnt.



I guess because I have always thought about youth work and reaching out to young people I was happy to offer her my ear and also it was so evident she wanted someone to talk to as she said she didnt have friends that she could ask these things and she couldnt talk to her mum or brothers about them even though they were close.



As we walked out the centre into the carpark I offered her one of my new krisp crackers that I had been eating as we said our good byes, she said that her mum had just called whilst she was getting changed and asked her to bring in a doner kebab for her brother and she had to get it on the way home, and that those things made it hard to lose weight so I offered her one of my new seeded-goodness-large enough to eat ya dinner off of-crackers and she loved them so I gave her a whole packet and made her promise that she wouldnt eat any kebab and to eat those instead until she got home to have a healthy meal. She promised.



Walking home I imagined what it would be like to speak to my daughter or son about things that bothered them, my heart felt heavy, which is why when SB in her rage said I didnt deserve kids and there was a reason why I couldnt have any it hurt so deeply. I was walking past all these people with children, talking to them so harshly, shouting and screaming at them.......it makes me sad some people treat their kids that way.



As I reached my front door I had a large box waiting for me... surely this isnt my JUICERRRR... OMG...!! No... alas it was too light weight and had a huge tape around it giving clear instructions to be delivered before Noon... I got in, dropped my bags and opened it....it was fresh flowers from SB with a huge note...

I know this is for the best. I am not trying to change things.
I am really sorry for what I said
Love always XX

I cried, I still love her alot but I could never forget what she said....she could have spent a bit more on the flowers though, cheap skate.

I'll post pics of them on Monday, they are beautiful. I cant even put them in a vase on my table, it still feels so raw...... I want to move on to someone else, I want to be ready and open for whoever comes along, But I know that is going to take a loooooong time, just because I am so hurt, it took me 18 months to feel ready for even dating the last time.

well... I am off to bed now, enjoy the video...it pathetically funny.

OMG I'm Blogging!!!

O..K..... Well where do I start? Just excuse me while I dance with glee and excitement.

Well maybe a little about me might help, I'm a feminine inner city Lesbian, 29 years young Capricorn, oldest daughter and I have one sibling a younger brother who we will call 'G'. I have been a Lesbian all my life but took me till I was about 17/18 to conciously act on it.
I started this blog simply because I have a lot of things I would like to get off my chest about Life, Love and everything in between, so be patient with me as I try to remember to blog and be as honest and real as I am, warts and all.

Today I am finally at work, I freelance you see and well... the money comes slowly sometimes and rapidly at others, But first stop this morning was the hospital yet again. I guess I may as well tell you I am a trying to get pregnant and have been for two years now but only earlier this year was I referred to my local hospital for fertility treatment, and after a few 'Primary infertility' tests I was diagnosed as not ovulating and having fibroids as well as the most recently discovered Polycystic Ovaries ( PCOS).

As you may be able to imagine I am pretty gutted. So every month without fail for the past 3 months I have been taking the drug Clomid, which they have recently doubled from 50mg to 100mg and having internal scans, being prodded and poked and pricked, so now feeling well and truly "Tenderised" and fear I may turn into a "Mad Cow" before long.


Anyway today, being as dippy as I can be sometimes ( more stories on that aspect of me later) I left the house for work got half way to the tube station at 08:30am and realised I was supposed to be at the hospital for another blood test to see if my Progesterone levels have risen at all since last month, which I think was 20 and it should have been in the late 20's early 30's to be considered functioning.

Anyway the bus driver let me off at the lights and I marched all the way back home feeling really out of sorts and annoyed that I was now going to have to wait possibly 2 hours in the rather large queue at the hospital to have my blood taken. Whilst in the hopsital waiting area I passed the time surfing the net on my PDA and reading my latest book 'Affinity' by Sarah Waters.

Eventually I get out and just before I descend the steps into the underground I stop off in Tesco's for 'Brunch'.

Lets hope I don't have to do it all again next month, I tell ya it's quite exhausting this trying to get pregnant lark. Oh I suppose I should also tell you where I am getting the second main ingredient from!?....

Well about 2 years ago I was surfing the net and came across 'Rainbow Network' and saw they had a section of people advertising their desires to become 'Donors', 'Co-parents', 'Mothers' etc and I thought I would post an ad finally after thinking about this for over 5 years.
Well I was shocked at the responses, some where shall we say "Just wouldn't do's" others were just "Plain uglies" and the rest... after exchanging pics they only then wanted to....

"Do it the natural way"

The reason being and I quote

" As it has far more chances of success"

He was just trying to fuck and I tell you now it was NOT going to be this Duck.

Anyhoo, I persevered and was contacted by a delightful man, Asian in his 30's we talked for many months but he was just too far and the practicalities of it were not feasible so, I moved on and decided to reply to someone myself, and I found 'K' as he will be known.

He is Chinese, born here in the UK good looking, average height, good hairline, good teeth and bright eyes. He is in his mid thirties, in a stable committed Gay relationship of 13 years and he comes from a rather large family...by my standards anyway.

I like him because he has a really great sense of humour and is easy to talk to, calm, thoughtful and I know all this because during this time of unsuccessful tries we have become friends and got to know each other fairly well, also having discussed the all important issues such as, what role he will play, what our expectations/reservations are/were and issues like what our own childhoods were like and what our ideal discipline methods were and if they suited the other.

We then went on to be tested for everything including HIV and AIDS and waited for the results to come in from us both before I proceeded with the self insemination.

And now to bring you up to date, I have recently SI'd ( self inseminated) and now in my two week wait (TWW) to see if I have been successful this time, I am trying to be optimistic but it is hard after doing this for so long month after month, it's draining especially when you are going it alone.

I could go on for ever spurned on by the momentum of adrenalin at learning how to Blog but I won't, I will save some for another time.