Stayed in bed all dat today, mainly because I feel really low again. Things seem to be spiralling out of control in my head and I am even worried about myself. Not going to feel guilt or apologise for myself with the "starving children in Africa" syndrome or the " there is a man with no feet whilst you are busy crying about not having shoes".
I feel like I have no real purpose in life, I feel like I am just drifting along aimlessly. No matter what I try it all falls flat. Starting to wonder, if there is no point to life why am I bothering to wake up anymore? I dont know how I got here in my life at this age.
By 30 I wanted so many things for myself, I saw greatness and purpose, I saw happiness and fulfilment. I believed with every fibre of my being that life is what you make it.
I have non of those things, I AM non of those things, granted I dont want for money I am ok and content with that, I learned to live within my means and now do just fine with nice things but that is all that they are THINGS.
I give to friends and family financially so I am not a selfish person, I give to the needy when I can and even sometimes when I cant, just because in that moment I know I have more than they do at that time and at least I have a roof over my head with my own front door key to come and go as I please, clothes on my back and food to eat. If I was ever hard up I know I could make more money and sell the nice things I own, but stripping that all down.........I feel as though I have nothing.
I was never materialistic even as a child, my parents lived in two differenet worlds so I had the experience of a rich and lavish lifestyle from my "part-time dad" even if I did go home to a more modest existence with my mum. I know what it's like to jet set around staying in 5 star hotels as a kid, so as an adult those htings mean little to me, I know what its like to mingle with the inheritantly wealthy, I know what its like to not have much to eat in stark contrast. My dad was a selfish bastard in many respects.
Confusing as a child yet as an adult I learned to make do with what I have until I have it, so it seems funny to me that even though all I ever wanted was to have successful career and use my success to get messages of love and compassion and charity across to others not even thinking about finacially being ok, money is what I have ( at least for now) yet purpose is lacking.
What is the point of having nice things and a nice home if those things dont make you happy. I feel that even though I have enough money to not worry too much I have no purpose in my life, I work (when I can/or want to these days) I shop, I stay home, I travel, I give back. Surely I should be happy right?
I'm not.
I go to sleep crying and questioning my existence. I wake up numb. I used to have hope and a positive outlook on life for the most part, I once belived everything happened for a reason, what if it doesnt? What if there is no rhyme or reason to existing and that thing called Karma is a bunch of horseshit. What if religion and spirituality is only something people invented because they had nothing else to explain their miserable and sad existence.
I was raised to be religious or shall we say have religious awareness, as my mum was not active in going to church ( my nan was) and I am sure sometimes with all the shit we suffered as a kid she wondered if there really was a god at some point between working 2 jobs and fighting to keep us in clothes and food and love as a family unit.
She did well granted, neither me nor my brother have turned to drugs or crime or hang with the wrong crowd, we both are really good loving people and considering we lived in one of the most deprived areas in london rife with drugs, guns and crime we both turned into really upstanding individuals, not hooked on crack, drink like fishes, or follow our peers (we are both into going our way even if its against the grain) or have any enemies in life.
Maybe in that respect If her faith never faltered, whatever it was she believed in it served her well, even when we lost the family home due to a huge council fuck up and they offered to take my brother into foster care because they wouldnt find anywhere for my mum to live she hung in there refusing to let that happen and praying things would get better. I later found her a place to live after she lived with me for a while. She showed amazing strength and positivity.
Maybe having kids to push you foward does that to you, maybe the knowledge that you are not just living for YOURSELF can do that to a person, I dont know. All I know is without that high flying career or job that was worth while, without children, or without at least a sense of why I am here, one of the three is all I ask for I dont see the point anymore. I am going to be 30 years old in two months far from where I wanted to be, so far from it I ache, I feel as though I have done everything in my power to make my life happen, I don tbelieve in having things handed to you on a plate, I do however think you have to work for things but dammit I am tired, tired of having doors shut in my face, tired of one minute thinking I know exactly what it is I am supposed to do then when I go for it it falls flat.
I had a clearer sense of where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there when I was 16, now 14 years later I am so confused and fucking frustrated with life I want to give up, I want to cash in my chips and go "home". I dont want to gamble anymore, walking through life without a fucking torch is no fun and whatever sick fuck thought it would be has no compassion.
I dont answer my phone these days, I tried to talk to my best mate about things but she just went on about believing in God and and staying strong and the devil attacking you... OMG! I tell you, as much as I love her and at times she is so much strength to me and I wont have her belief riddiculed by anyone but religion was the last thing I wanted to hear last night. Sick of hearing it will work out, sick of hearing all in good time and the testing of faith......Stud I love you, but last night for the first time in 7 years of talking to you almost everyday you made me feel worse after our little chat. She was trying to help I know.
I turned to Daddi for maybe some advice and comfort and reassurance of a spiritual nature. Didnt help either, instead I had questions that came across as challenges and made hym feel bad. I guess some of us believe what we believe and we cant prove it to anyone else they have to see it for themselves.... whetever "IT" is. Speaking of which, maybe the thing that these people belive in really is an "IT" of the Stephen King kind. They just dont know it yet.
I used to find comfort in the belief that something higher and more powerful than me existed and had a plan for me........Not anymore I dont think. I am in a black hole and I am upset and angry and lost. I wouldnt feel so bad if I just sat on my arse all day and didnt do anything but complain, if I never got proactive with my life and did nothing to change it but honestly I do. I try EVERYTHING I can think of, I put my heart and soul ( if there is such a thing) into what I do hoping for the best. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE!!!!
I dont know what is stopping me from taking my own life tonight, I dont even know if whatever it is will last very long, maybe I am so fucking low all I can do is sleep as a form of "death" itself to get me through to tomorrow. I know life changes but that is not enough for me right now as it leaves me with the questions When? What to?
So....I sit and I cry, I debate in my head the fragments of thoughts that consume what little energy I have left to take my mind off the pain in my neck and the black heaviness inside that threatens to consume me unless I sleep before before it takes hold and makes the decision for me.
I dont want to leave my mum, sometimes I can see her crumbling by my grave thinking of all the things she went through to give me life and then I throw it back in her face by deciding to give up. I see her face age 20 years wondering what she will do without her right hand and sometimes I cry, I cry with sorrow and guilt because I wouldnt ever want to do that to her as I knoe suicide is a selfish act, then I cry with anger and rage because I wish I didnt have her to think about so that I could end this misery I feel.
The worse thing is I dont think if this passes and I am still here tomorrow that this will be the last time I feel like dying and giving up, and I wonder, if I still dont find a purpose for living, how long will the love for her be enough to keep me alive.
I feel like I have no real purpose in life, I feel like I am just drifting along aimlessly. No matter what I try it all falls flat. Starting to wonder, if there is no point to life why am I bothering to wake up anymore? I dont know how I got here in my life at this age.
By 30 I wanted so many things for myself, I saw greatness and purpose, I saw happiness and fulfilment. I believed with every fibre of my being that life is what you make it.
I have non of those things, I AM non of those things, granted I dont want for money I am ok and content with that, I learned to live within my means and now do just fine with nice things but that is all that they are THINGS.
I give to friends and family financially so I am not a selfish person, I give to the needy when I can and even sometimes when I cant, just because in that moment I know I have more than they do at that time and at least I have a roof over my head with my own front door key to come and go as I please, clothes on my back and food to eat. If I was ever hard up I know I could make more money and sell the nice things I own, but stripping that all down.........I feel as though I have nothing.
I was never materialistic even as a child, my parents lived in two differenet worlds so I had the experience of a rich and lavish lifestyle from my "part-time dad" even if I did go home to a more modest existence with my mum. I know what it's like to jet set around staying in 5 star hotels as a kid, so as an adult those htings mean little to me, I know what its like to mingle with the inheritantly wealthy, I know what its like to not have much to eat in stark contrast. My dad was a selfish bastard in many respects.
Confusing as a child yet as an adult I learned to make do with what I have until I have it, so it seems funny to me that even though all I ever wanted was to have successful career and use my success to get messages of love and compassion and charity across to others not even thinking about finacially being ok, money is what I have ( at least for now) yet purpose is lacking.
What is the point of having nice things and a nice home if those things dont make you happy. I feel that even though I have enough money to not worry too much I have no purpose in my life, I work (when I can/or want to these days) I shop, I stay home, I travel, I give back. Surely I should be happy right?
I'm not.
I go to sleep crying and questioning my existence. I wake up numb. I used to have hope and a positive outlook on life for the most part, I once belived everything happened for a reason, what if it doesnt? What if there is no rhyme or reason to existing and that thing called Karma is a bunch of horseshit. What if religion and spirituality is only something people invented because they had nothing else to explain their miserable and sad existence.
I was raised to be religious or shall we say have religious awareness, as my mum was not active in going to church ( my nan was) and I am sure sometimes with all the shit we suffered as a kid she wondered if there really was a god at some point between working 2 jobs and fighting to keep us in clothes and food and love as a family unit.
She did well granted, neither me nor my brother have turned to drugs or crime or hang with the wrong crowd, we both are really good loving people and considering we lived in one of the most deprived areas in london rife with drugs, guns and crime we both turned into really upstanding individuals, not hooked on crack, drink like fishes, or follow our peers (we are both into going our way even if its against the grain) or have any enemies in life.
Maybe in that respect If her faith never faltered, whatever it was she believed in it served her well, even when we lost the family home due to a huge council fuck up and they offered to take my brother into foster care because they wouldnt find anywhere for my mum to live she hung in there refusing to let that happen and praying things would get better. I later found her a place to live after she lived with me for a while. She showed amazing strength and positivity.
Maybe having kids to push you foward does that to you, maybe the knowledge that you are not just living for YOURSELF can do that to a person, I dont know. All I know is without that high flying career or job that was worth while, without children, or without at least a sense of why I am here, one of the three is all I ask for I dont see the point anymore. I am going to be 30 years old in two months far from where I wanted to be, so far from it I ache, I feel as though I have done everything in my power to make my life happen, I don tbelieve in having things handed to you on a plate, I do however think you have to work for things but dammit I am tired, tired of having doors shut in my face, tired of one minute thinking I know exactly what it is I am supposed to do then when I go for it it falls flat.
I had a clearer sense of where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there when I was 16, now 14 years later I am so confused and fucking frustrated with life I want to give up, I want to cash in my chips and go "home". I dont want to gamble anymore, walking through life without a fucking torch is no fun and whatever sick fuck thought it would be has no compassion.
I dont answer my phone these days, I tried to talk to my best mate about things but she just went on about believing in God and and staying strong and the devil attacking you... OMG! I tell you, as much as I love her and at times she is so much strength to me and I wont have her belief riddiculed by anyone but religion was the last thing I wanted to hear last night. Sick of hearing it will work out, sick of hearing all in good time and the testing of faith......Stud I love you, but last night for the first time in 7 years of talking to you almost everyday you made me feel worse after our little chat. She was trying to help I know.
I turned to Daddi for maybe some advice and comfort and reassurance of a spiritual nature. Didnt help either, instead I had questions that came across as challenges and made hym feel bad. I guess some of us believe what we believe and we cant prove it to anyone else they have to see it for themselves.... whetever "IT" is. Speaking of which, maybe the thing that these people belive in really is an "IT" of the Stephen King kind. They just dont know it yet.
I used to find comfort in the belief that something higher and more powerful than me existed and had a plan for me........Not anymore I dont think. I am in a black hole and I am upset and angry and lost. I wouldnt feel so bad if I just sat on my arse all day and didnt do anything but complain, if I never got proactive with my life and did nothing to change it but honestly I do. I try EVERYTHING I can think of, I put my heart and soul ( if there is such a thing) into what I do hoping for the best. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE!!!!
I dont know what is stopping me from taking my own life tonight, I dont even know if whatever it is will last very long, maybe I am so fucking low all I can do is sleep as a form of "death" itself to get me through to tomorrow. I know life changes but that is not enough for me right now as it leaves me with the questions When? What to?
So....I sit and I cry, I debate in my head the fragments of thoughts that consume what little energy I have left to take my mind off the pain in my neck and the black heaviness inside that threatens to consume me unless I sleep before before it takes hold and makes the decision for me.
I dont want to leave my mum, sometimes I can see her crumbling by my grave thinking of all the things she went through to give me life and then I throw it back in her face by deciding to give up. I see her face age 20 years wondering what she will do without her right hand and sometimes I cry, I cry with sorrow and guilt because I wouldnt ever want to do that to her as I knoe suicide is a selfish act, then I cry with anger and rage because I wish I didnt have her to think about so that I could end this misery I feel.
The worse thing is I dont think if this passes and I am still here tomorrow that this will be the last time I feel like dying and giving up, and I wonder, if I still dont find a purpose for living, how long will the love for her be enough to keep me alive.
