Highs and lows

It's been months I know, I thought I should keep my blog though just in case I felt the need to vent....the time has come again.

My life has been amazingly high and occassionally low. The relationship is as strong as ever and I am still madly in-love with her as I was last year. We live together now! It's nice, no arguing no fights the odd disagreement but mostly laughing and sillyness to keep eachother happy.

That laughter got me through the second surgery my recovery was so quick, I am sure it was because of Special K. Sometimes I think we are too playful, I say she is too silly but that sillyness keeps me sane and kept me sane during the really tough parts of last year.

I was travelling back and forth to Manchester every other weekend and feeling as though I couldnt continue a long distance relationship but we never ended it, no matter how much I wanted the pain to end of being so far and the journeys taking their toll on my health I couldnt let go.

Now a year on from meeting online that fateful day I am living with the love of my life and.......and.....the rest..

Surgery scars that make me cry for the child I have yet to bear and for this I must endure so much physical pain and heartbreak before it is even here. Will it ever happen? Maybe? Maybe not! I have been told I cant have one without assistance from the hospital so...Homerton here I come.

I hate being this age and childless, I hate hearing that oneday it will happen, I hate hearing if it doesnt there are other options...

A tip: if a woman is struggling to conceive and she is venting dont tell her there are other options like adoption or fostering or surogacy.......DONT TELL HER THAT! SHE DOESNT WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT!!!!! I see a pattern though...women who dont have the desire to have kids themselves physically say that shit to other women.. Men who say it can almost be forgiven.

It's my birthday soon...next week actually.... 31, I am getting older than I wanted to be having my first child and it hurts and makes me sad, so sad i just want to rage at God or whatever is out there that has forced me to jump through hoops to do this, as if I wont have a hard enough job being a parent if it ever happens! And now after the surgery it still may never happen ....no guarantee it will. What did I do? What choice did I make that made me deserve this fight?

Anyway aside from that, I am also volunteering for a terminally ill woman, she is brave and since meeting her she has helped me see how lucky I am but even she said it's different, you have your off days and her pain is no greater than mine she says, somehow I can beg to differ, if I was her I would be mad as hell. I am glad she is in my life, I can see when I make her happy and that is nice. I cant say too much about her as she is quite a noticeable character annd my blog wouldnt be private if I gave more clues away about what I am doing now but I love it.

My Nan died in November, saw her for the first time in years and she was nothing like I remembered, Cancer made her really ill. I cried and cried and cried it was so hard I had never seen someone so ill in my life and never seen someone I love slowly dying before, well now I have someone else in my life whom I love and who is terminally ill, I hope she lives for a long time though. She is only 29.

To be honest I cam on here tonight to winge about poor me, poor poor me so sad tonight because I am not yet a mother, Life is'nt fair, I dont know if I even believe in GOD anymore. I dont think there is one. I dont think good things happen to good people, I dont think bad things happen to bad people, I used to think that if you lived your life good you will live well and get what you deserve.....Am I getting mine??? Maybe somewhere down the line Iwas such a bitch I deserve to not be able to have kids... maybe my Ex was right?!


I'm getting older and I never wanted to be a first time mum past the age of 26 let alone 30.... I personally think it selfish for kids to get old parents, I think it's unfair to have kids too old, I worry enough at 30 about my mum who is 50, about her being safe at night and being able to get around and do things in 10-20 years time....I dont want my kids worrying about that stuff when they are 15-20yrs old!!! Some ...infact I am sure many would disagree but I think it is selfish I saw my friends lives made so miserable because their parents looked like they were the same age of many of our grandparents.....I was the only person they really confided in, I vowed never to put my kids though that especially as a first and possibly only child.

I work all the hours god send on this thing just to help someone other than myself and to try to make a difference, I even came up with a great design to help visually impaired people... the RNIB are in talks with me about it right now and the design concept.

I am raising money for cancer care and research and I am trying to help make a difference....just so that I dont think about what A WASTE my life could have been in a couple years when I am still childless.

I have tried to find support groups as my lovely g/f doesnt understand but I cant seem to find any other lesbians who have had all my issues, PCOS, endometriosis AND Fibroids And a Lesbian. the Lesbain bit is a big factor as I need to be able to identify, Yes I am sure there are straight women out there that could give just as much support.....but it wouldnt be the same at all...it just wouldnt be.

If anyone knows a lesbian with all these issues please do get in-touch I am so lonely with this problem I need someone to talk to who truly gets it and has been where I am or is where I am so we can give mutual support.

Speaking of which I completed my first course in counselling training last year.

I am cat sitting and getting frustrated finding them onthe bed as i invariably wake up with cat fur in my mouth and I hate it.

I am on weight watchers to lose 2 stone before May, with special K - the person not the cereal - I think I can do it this time

Tonight I cant think of anything else I want to say but that I am crying again, Special K is in bed, she knows I am upset and she knows her limits on being able to offer support when it comes to the whole age baby thing, I prefer she just kiss me goodnight and tell me she loves me then to patronise me with talk about other alternatives and the such......

She asked me what I wanted for my birthday yesterday Morning... I said in all seriousness... " A baby please"... If only it were that simple..... I am getting a pair of headphones instead.

If someone gave me one wish it would be that right now...Just to be pregnant will do me thank you.

Happy Monday my arse!

Morning,

01:03am I get a call from SB, I had only just managed to doze off to sleep and could not have been sleeping for longer than 40 mins when the phone rang rather loudly from under the pillow next to me. I ignored it. then I heard my text message go off. I ignored that too.

I was not being "cold" in fact I was doing the risk assessment in my mind that I have found I do so often when having communications with her. Was it a good idea to read the text now and possibly not get back to sleep for hours with work in the morning? or ...Should I ignore it and try not to worry that it will be something of high emergency and get back to sleep in a fraction of the time?

It was a hard decision to make, I would never want to ignore her in her time of need or what if something bad was happening to her and she called me and I later found out she was dead or being hurt? I would never and could never forgive myself ever.

So I read it in the morning before work, hoping it was nothing but instead it said:

Please talk to me im thinkin bout doing horrible things to myself

I was worried, I was upset, I don't want her to hurt as much as she is, I know she is sorry for all she has said but it does not change the fact she said them. I realised in that instant that she was manipulating me yet again and I also realised even though I cheated on her with two different people in the same time frame when we were in the first year of our relationship, I did so not because I wanted to hurt her or get my own back, I did so because she was hurting me so much, being abusive and violent.

It was not about her it was about me needing someone who didn't want to hurt me even though I still loved her and wished she would change. But when she hurts me, it is intentional and she goes for the jugular, like the time she called me a.....

Black Whore.

OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!... yes ...She did.... we split and she grovelled for months trying to get me back

She knew it would hurt -even though she was drunk- and also that I didn't tolerate racist remarks even in anger towards ANY race of people, to me I don't care how angry that person makes you, I would never ever say something bad about them that was unchangeable such as their skin colour, disability, culture etc.... That to me shows you have that in you and no matter how hard you try to deny it and say

It was only because I was angry, I said it in anger

It does not change the fact you said it, I would call you a fat bitch if I knew you ate junk food all the time and was too lazy to do anything about it if I am angry at you. but even then I don't generally have those insults pop into my head even in retaliation to something racist said to me, that's just mean and hurtful I am much more inclined to attack your behaviour or character. Is it just me!?!

Anyway... I sat on my bed and allowed myself to cry then I decided I had no choice but to text 'STUD' and ask her to make sure SB is ok as I didn't feel up to communicating with her even via a text message.

I got a call from STUD a few minutes later saying that she left a message on SB's voicemail but she didn't think anything was wrong with SB only she went out the night before got drunk and probably was feeling bad at the time, so nothing more is wrong with her than being drunk and trying to manipulate me as she is not getting any kind of response.

STUD also told me that she had been talking for hours on the phone to SB during Sunday afternoon and she was fine and said she was going to go out and party with friends.

I felt better knowing that she was OK.

I feel like shit again today, usually no matter what is going on with me I can put on a good mood for work but not today, I feel withdrawn and isolated in my stress, I don't feel like smiling, and I don't feel like talking to anyone even to answer the phone, but I am trying not to make it show. Don't you hate it when people ask you, are you OK? and if you have had a good weekend when you haven't? I am using all the strength I have to not say:

NO, IamfeelinglikeshitmyweekendwasworseandIjustwanttodiesilently have you got a hanky?

Breathe.....

Aside from that I had a very large package waiting for me at work today......YEP you guessed it ...My JUICERRRRRR!! That cheered me up somewhat. I can't wait to get juicing. I will post pics of my first attempt.

Speaking of which....

Here are the pics I said I would post in my previous posting about flowers received from SB on Saturday.

I have also decided to post pictures of meal ideas I concoct to help with my new healthy food combining regime. For those who don't know what 'Food Combining' is, it is also known as the 'Hay diet' . Basically not to mix carbohydrates such as rice, bread and pasta, potatoes etc.. with protein such as meat, fish, eggs etc..

http://www.formerfatguy.com/food-combine.asp

This is the second dish done in my new slow cooker prepared and set to cook for Sunday from the night before on a medium setting, should be ready by lunchtime Sunday Ha ha:

2 chicken thighs (without skin)

2 chicken legs (without skin)

4 whole carrots (chopped)

2 large whole onions (chopped)

2 handfuls of broad beans

2 handfuls of green and red lentils (I think they are neutral)

1 Handful of Golden linseed's

Black pepper and mixed herbs

1 pint of vegetable and chicken stock

A few dashes of soy sauce instead of salt and HEY PRESTO!!... (say that as you put it all in the pot and cover with the lid)

Here is the dish I concocted on Saturday after I returned from the Leisure centre

A handful of King prawns

A handful of chopped Salmon and Rainbow trout Pieces

1 small onion

some freshly chopped ginger (to taste)
Olive oil

And stir fry in a wok and served on a bed of salad and cucumber and cherry tomatoes and topped with Golden linseed's.

So what do you think? ....