Highs and lows

It's been months I know, I thought I should keep my blog though just in case I felt the need to vent....the time has come again.

My life has been amazingly high and occassionally low. The relationship is as strong as ever and I am still madly in-love with her as I was last year. We live together now! It's nice, no arguing no fights the odd disagreement but mostly laughing and sillyness to keep eachother happy.

That laughter got me through the second surgery my recovery was so quick, I am sure it was because of Special K. Sometimes I think we are too playful, I say she is too silly but that sillyness keeps me sane and kept me sane during the really tough parts of last year.

I was travelling back and forth to Manchester every other weekend and feeling as though I couldnt continue a long distance relationship but we never ended it, no matter how much I wanted the pain to end of being so far and the journeys taking their toll on my health I couldnt let go.

Now a year on from meeting online that fateful day I am living with the love of my life and.......and.....the rest..

Surgery scars that make me cry for the child I have yet to bear and for this I must endure so much physical pain and heartbreak before it is even here. Will it ever happen? Maybe? Maybe not! I have been told I cant have one without assistance from the hospital so...Homerton here I come.

I hate being this age and childless, I hate hearing that oneday it will happen, I hate hearing if it doesnt there are other options...

A tip: if a woman is struggling to conceive and she is venting dont tell her there are other options like adoption or fostering or surogacy.......DONT TELL HER THAT! SHE DOESNT WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT!!!!! I see a pattern though...women who dont have the desire to have kids themselves physically say that shit to other women.. Men who say it can almost be forgiven.

It's my birthday soon...next week actually.... 31, I am getting older than I wanted to be having my first child and it hurts and makes me sad, so sad i just want to rage at God or whatever is out there that has forced me to jump through hoops to do this, as if I wont have a hard enough job being a parent if it ever happens! And now after the surgery it still may never happen ....no guarantee it will. What did I do? What choice did I make that made me deserve this fight?

Anyway aside from that, I am also volunteering for a terminally ill woman, she is brave and since meeting her she has helped me see how lucky I am but even she said it's different, you have your off days and her pain is no greater than mine she says, somehow I can beg to differ, if I was her I would be mad as hell. I am glad she is in my life, I can see when I make her happy and that is nice. I cant say too much about her as she is quite a noticeable character annd my blog wouldnt be private if I gave more clues away about what I am doing now but I love it.

My Nan died in November, saw her for the first time in years and she was nothing like I remembered, Cancer made her really ill. I cried and cried and cried it was so hard I had never seen someone so ill in my life and never seen someone I love slowly dying before, well now I have someone else in my life whom I love and who is terminally ill, I hope she lives for a long time though. She is only 29.

To be honest I cam on here tonight to winge about poor me, poor poor me so sad tonight because I am not yet a mother, Life is'nt fair, I dont know if I even believe in GOD anymore. I dont think there is one. I dont think good things happen to good people, I dont think bad things happen to bad people, I used to think that if you lived your life good you will live well and get what you deserve.....Am I getting mine??? Maybe somewhere down the line Iwas such a bitch I deserve to not be able to have kids... maybe my Ex was right?!


I'm getting older and I never wanted to be a first time mum past the age of 26 let alone 30.... I personally think it selfish for kids to get old parents, I think it's unfair to have kids too old, I worry enough at 30 about my mum who is 50, about her being safe at night and being able to get around and do things in 10-20 years time....I dont want my kids worrying about that stuff when they are 15-20yrs old!!! Some ...infact I am sure many would disagree but I think it is selfish I saw my friends lives made so miserable because their parents looked like they were the same age of many of our grandparents.....I was the only person they really confided in, I vowed never to put my kids though that especially as a first and possibly only child.

I work all the hours god send on this thing just to help someone other than myself and to try to make a difference, I even came up with a great design to help visually impaired people... the RNIB are in talks with me about it right now and the design concept.

I am raising money for cancer care and research and I am trying to help make a difference....just so that I dont think about what A WASTE my life could have been in a couple years when I am still childless.

I have tried to find support groups as my lovely g/f doesnt understand but I cant seem to find any other lesbians who have had all my issues, PCOS, endometriosis AND Fibroids And a Lesbian. the Lesbain bit is a big factor as I need to be able to identify, Yes I am sure there are straight women out there that could give just as much support.....but it wouldnt be the same at all...it just wouldnt be.

If anyone knows a lesbian with all these issues please do get in-touch I am so lonely with this problem I need someone to talk to who truly gets it and has been where I am or is where I am so we can give mutual support.

Speaking of which I completed my first course in counselling training last year.

I am cat sitting and getting frustrated finding them onthe bed as i invariably wake up with cat fur in my mouth and I hate it.

I am on weight watchers to lose 2 stone before May, with special K - the person not the cereal - I think I can do it this time

Tonight I cant think of anything else I want to say but that I am crying again, Special K is in bed, she knows I am upset and she knows her limits on being able to offer support when it comes to the whole age baby thing, I prefer she just kiss me goodnight and tell me she loves me then to patronise me with talk about other alternatives and the such......

She asked me what I wanted for my birthday yesterday Morning... I said in all seriousness... " A baby please"... If only it were that simple..... I am getting a pair of headphones instead.

If someone gave me one wish it would be that right now...Just to be pregnant will do me thank you.

Home

Well It's been a roller coaster ride the past two weeks, as if my life isn't usually (insert eye roll here) .
I have just arrived home and I am shattered, laden with gifts and talismans, pictures, Fertility stones, memorabilia and emotions.

Due to the pain in my neck and also a itchy sore rash that had developed since I was unwell with that "cold" I rushed to the doctors today and it turns out I am suffering from shingles hence the rash and the "cold", the doctor gave me some cream to apply 5 times a day, the neck pain is yet unknown so I have been given super pain killers and anti inflammatory pills that I have to take 3 times a day and due to go back in a fortnight for a check up.

This doctor is really nice and was the one who put me forward for the fertility treatment, he asked how I was doing and we had a chat, he thinks I am suffering from depression after he asked me a few questions and talked about my slepping patterns etc blah blah and has arranged for me to see a therapist and start Cognitive Analytical therapy again (CAT), I am due to see the dietician about my weight loss next Tuesday.

The doctor said when asked that the shingles could haven been due to stress and exhaustion amongst other things... I figured that made sense.

The flight back was as hideous as the flight there, the loos were not working right, the in flight entertainment was on the blink and I was squashed between two's

(saw the wine in the local supermarket and had to take a picture)

......Who snored like troopers, took up all the room and both arm rests. I got no sleep the entire flight, the air stewards talked loudly amongst themselves about divorce, flights to Singapore, and the changing style of the US AIRWAYS uniform and how many limited edition scarves they accumulated to sell on to others, also not forgetting to mention that whilst the captain was talking to the passengers and giving us information they talked over him making it hard to hear updates. So needless to say I was cranky all the way home.

The last week of being in Florida was wonderful after our talk Daddi stepped up hys game and we did things and connected better, we discussed some deep topics and really got to know each other better. In Daddi's true spiritual way we both were able to see the positive in the hiccups and repressed feelings that arose during the first week.

And not forgetting to mention the sex was great *ahem*, the conversation was enlightening and stimulating and I think we gained more respect for each other, I met the parents and went Halloween shopping with Little Star, spent the day at the Beach and generally enjoyed my last week to the fullest.

I have a slightly different perspective on things and my life as well as acknowledgements of the things I need to work on. I was also given a handful of stones said to help with fertility that they bought for me before I arrived along with a giant rose Quartz crystal.

CARNELIAN: red-orange, yellow, brown
Promotes action, courage, helpfulness; stops confusion, inner attunement, cleanses, purifies, opens the heart, lifts emotions, protects from envy and fear and provides perceptiveness. Aids healing in the areas of gall bladder, kidney function, infertility, rheumatism and relieving cramps; stimulates the absorption of vitamins; ensures good blood circulation.

CHRYSOCOLLA: green to turquoise
Soothing and relaxing; promotes patience, flexibility, self-awareness, acceptance of change; and encourages clarity. Aids healing in the areas of infections (particularly throat and tonsils), digestion, and liver function; reduces fever; heals burns faster; lowers blood pressure.

GARNET: usually red, also found in green, brown, black, pink, orange and yellow
Promotes new beginnings, sexuality, prosperity; ends crisis; helps cope with daily problems; feminine strength, compassion, courage, attraction; eliminates energy blocks and taboos; encourages self-confidence and creativity. Aids healing in the areas of cell regeneration, immune system, arthritis and bones; accelerates wound healing, stimulates metabolism and circulation; anti inflammatory.

SUNSTONE: orange, brown iridescent
Promotes leadership, self-worth, good luck, optimism, desire for action; anti-depressant. Stimulates self-healing powers.

And the large one (as big as my hand and I have big hands) daddi gave me from his personal collection.

ROSE QUARTZ: pink
Rose Quartz is the stone of "gentle love" bringing peacefulness and calm. It also promotes beauty, purification, recovery, angelic dreams, well being, self-love, self confidence, romance and sensuality. Aids healing in the areas of depression, blood circulation, heart fortification, sexual problems and encourages fertility.

Hy is really caring and thoughtful.. Thanks Daddi. xx

Saying goodbye at the airport was hard, we took silly pictures together and generally made the best of the time we had left, as we were hugging our final goodbyes at the departure gate James Morrison's 'Undiscovered' played on in the background and we both giggled at the coincidence. One of the first things I sent Daddi in the beginning of our getting to know you stage was a link to the You tube video of this song and basically said this was me, I'm not lost, just undiscovered.

Daddi is coming to the UK for my 30th Birthday.

Here Birdie birdie.....

I must say though I thought the USA was bizarre with regards to many things, I forgot how hell bent they are on making people Fat.

The food is salty, the sugar content in everything including bread was shocking to my taste buds, they put butter on almost everything and generally it is no wonder they are overweight, I mean, we have our issues here too I know but not once did I see an advert/infommercial promoting the 5 a day lifestyle or to drink more water. There food is deep fried and mostly processed... I wonder what other parts of the US are like regarding this?

I never missed the UK so much in my life, I missed my juicer, they all drink soda and so had to buy water as daddi is not really that healthy much to my disappointment but ahh well. I missed my veg and had to constantly remind hym to take me to the store to get veg and fruit. When I finally had a balanced meal of cous cous and veg, my taste buds went crazy and my energy levels went through the roof.

The most shocking thing about the US for me so far was their infommercials promoting medication and drugs with sometimes fatal side affects and the amount of drugs that were being promoted but not even FDA approved and stated so or ommitted to state, basically telling the viewer take at your own risk...of death or the condition worsening.

Try to imagine turning on your tv screen to see an advert promoting a new product to help cure allergies and hay fever etc which you are in much need of as the old med is not working only to then hear the voice over state that-and I quote....

May cause temporary blindness, cataracts, eye and or
nasal infection, dizziness, headaches and rash.

WTF!?!

It doesnt end there, they currently have a new razor out that is said to be the best razor yet and if you order now they will send you a second one half price with a free butchers knife WTF!?!

Sheeesh!!!

I would go again though I woud just know better and try harder to shop at the irght places now I know where to go ...just have to get driving again.

Anyway.... before I go I wanted to share with you an artist I am keeping my eye on, you can find her Myspace page on my list of pages I like to visit, I think her voice is amazing and so far this is my fave song.

RANTING & RAVING......and LOTS of swearing

I have decided to use this post today to get random stuff off my chest...

MY INFERTILITY

People who have kids naturally and say to me..

It will happen when you least expect it

Don't be so fucking stupid!! How can I least expect something I have to plan every month??? I am not sleeping with a man so how on Gods earth do you think it will happen when I least expect it??? I am not the Virgin Mary.

And similarly don't tell me.....

It will happen soon enough, it just isn't the right time yet

GRRRRR FUCK OFF!!! It annoys the shit out of me when people say this to me whilst grinning at their successful offspring.... When you have had infertility issues and you are a lesbian THEN you come and talk to me about staying positive!!! Until that time think of something else to say or dont say FUCK ALL at all....

And don't wonder why I am pissed.... I am pissed because it hurts like a bitch when you see some skanky woman screaming at the top of her lungs at her child ( usually under 5yrs) because she has no self control or a clue on how to be a good effective parent.

I am pissed because some people just see kids as an inconvenience to their oh so important existence. Don't expect someone like me to have sympathy towards you for the bad Ass kids you raised.

Once dated a woman who didn't even want her child and it was evident to me after a couple weeks when I noticed she kept her 5 year old daughter so busy simply so that she didn't have to spend time being a mother to her, every weekend that poor child was sent to her grand parents or her father just so the mother didn't have to spend time with the child, every night of the week the daughter had some class or another to keep her away from the home.

Now at first I thought WOW what a great parent you are keep your child busy and off the streets and stimulated....... On deeper reflection it was evident the child missed her mother and the only reason this woman had a child was so that her parents would accept her sexuality. So she had her via self insemination and it worked on the third try.

To be honest NOTHING that a woman who has conceived her child naturally/by happenstance can say to me will ever make a difference in how I feel, in fact the words 'Oh it will happen, when the time is right' only serve to annoy the shit out of me and evoke rage, unless she TRULY knows something I don't.

I am not usually this sceptic about life, all my problems and struggles have happened for a reason and even in the midst of pain I can still feel at peace that whatever is happening is for the best in the long run and God knows what hy is doing even if I don't, but this situation for me is different... In the first year I understood that and even half way into the second year I was still positive, now I am just PISSED as hell. It just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't make me bitter or resentful towards individuals, just this thing called LUCK.

TUBE/UNDERGROUND

MOVE OUT THE FLIPPING WAY!!! when people are getting off the tube could you kindly MOVE!!???.. It is so annoying when you just stand there like a MONG looking into that space that you so desperately want and not allowing others off. Also If you are standing by the doors on the inside of the carriage and it is packed to the hilt would it really hurt you to step off backwards to secure you place and allow the people to get off then re board????? Think about it you NINKENPOOP!!

When the carriage is really and truly full, STOP trying to push on, it's rude, inconsiderate and makes everyone have a shit start to the day when you insist on forcing your size 22 frame into a space that is 10inches wide.....

MEN/NON PREGNANT WOMEN......If you are able bodied. Get up off your lazy arses and give a seat to a pregnant woman!! yes pregnancy is natural and people have been getting it for years, NO it is not a sickness but just imagine having to carry half a stone extra, and stand in a hot carriage and be pushed and prodded by all those that insist on pushing on when there is a train exactly ONE FUCKING MINUTE behind this one??!!!!

Also I know you don't have eyes at the back of your head but would it be at all inconsiderate of me to assume you would not walk like you were going to a funeral in the middle of the platform in rush hour????? DAMMIT some of us have life in our bones and need to get somewhere!!!!

UMBRELLAS

Please for Christ's sake could please watch what the hell you are doing with those spikes whilst walking on busy streets and street markets!!!!!

PUBLIC NOSE PICKERS

Do that SHIT IN PRIVATE!!! It is the most disgusting thing to see a grown person picking their nose and EATING IT or WIPING IT ON CHAIRS AND WALLS on public transport!!! STOP IT!!! its NASTY... wait till you get home or use a tissue for Christ's sake... some of us have dinners to go home and make and the visual you so considerately treated us to makes some of us heave. If I catch you doing it i will say out loud how disgusting you are and embarrass you in public as I have done so many other times before... It's GROSS... STOP IT!!!

WOMEN WHO WEAR WEAVES

Get the right colour and If it needs redoing for heavens sake wear a head scarf... Also no one wants to see your hair having a fight with your forehead and regrowth!!! Get it sorted!!

DRIVERS

If you see a learner driver at the traffic lights and they have stalled the car or are not pulling off as quickly as you would like them too can you try to remember when you were just learning and how daunting it is when you come to a busy road?.. Don't be a prize wank stain and honk ya horn/ curse out ya window or generally be a prick especially when you think you are a boy racer with ya skanky hip-hop/Chav wannabe girlfriend in the passenger seat.

JEREMY KYLE

SELF RIGHTEOUS PRICK, You were fuck all before Jerry springer came to our shores and had to take a break to do his theatre show, on his days off you would fill in for him. You started off as a refreshing chat show host but after getting your foot int he door you started to think being a showman was more important than people's feelings. You started to get all high and mighty as you passed comment on your guests, as the audience stood behind you and pretty soon you started to take it all too far...You're a CU*T.


MY EX (I no longer love you)