RANTING & RAVING......and LOTS of swearing

I have decided to use this post today to get random stuff off my chest...

MY INFERTILITY

People who have kids naturally and say to me..

It will happen when you least expect it

Don't be so fucking stupid!! How can I least expect something I have to plan every month??? I am not sleeping with a man so how on Gods earth do you think it will happen when I least expect it??? I am not the Virgin Mary.

And similarly don't tell me.....

It will happen soon enough, it just isn't the right time yet

GRRRRR FUCK OFF!!! It annoys the shit out of me when people say this to me whilst grinning at their successful offspring.... When you have had infertility issues and you are a lesbian THEN you come and talk to me about staying positive!!! Until that time think of something else to say or dont say FUCK ALL at all....

And don't wonder why I am pissed.... I am pissed because it hurts like a bitch when you see some skanky woman screaming at the top of her lungs at her child ( usually under 5yrs) because she has no self control or a clue on how to be a good effective parent.

I am pissed because some people just see kids as an inconvenience to their oh so important existence. Don't expect someone like me to have sympathy towards you for the bad Ass kids you raised.

Once dated a woman who didn't even want her child and it was evident to me after a couple weeks when I noticed she kept her 5 year old daughter so busy simply so that she didn't have to spend time being a mother to her, every weekend that poor child was sent to her grand parents or her father just so the mother didn't have to spend time with the child, every night of the week the daughter had some class or another to keep her away from the home.

Now at first I thought WOW what a great parent you are keep your child busy and off the streets and stimulated....... On deeper reflection it was evident the child missed her mother and the only reason this woman had a child was so that her parents would accept her sexuality. So she had her via self insemination and it worked on the third try.

To be honest NOTHING that a woman who has conceived her child naturally/by happenstance can say to me will ever make a difference in how I feel, in fact the words 'Oh it will happen, when the time is right' only serve to annoy the shit out of me and evoke rage, unless she TRULY knows something I don't.

I am not usually this sceptic about life, all my problems and struggles have happened for a reason and even in the midst of pain I can still feel at peace that whatever is happening is for the best in the long run and God knows what hy is doing even if I don't, but this situation for me is different... In the first year I understood that and even half way into the second year I was still positive, now I am just PISSED as hell. It just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't make me bitter or resentful towards individuals, just this thing called LUCK.

TUBE/UNDERGROUND

MOVE OUT THE FLIPPING WAY!!! when people are getting off the tube could you kindly MOVE!!???.. It is so annoying when you just stand there like a MONG looking into that space that you so desperately want and not allowing others off. Also If you are standing by the doors on the inside of the carriage and it is packed to the hilt would it really hurt you to step off backwards to secure you place and allow the people to get off then re board????? Think about it you NINKENPOOP!!

When the carriage is really and truly full, STOP trying to push on, it's rude, inconsiderate and makes everyone have a shit start to the day when you insist on forcing your size 22 frame into a space that is 10inches wide.....

MEN/NON PREGNANT WOMEN......If you are able bodied. Get up off your lazy arses and give a seat to a pregnant woman!! yes pregnancy is natural and people have been getting it for years, NO it is not a sickness but just imagine having to carry half a stone extra, and stand in a hot carriage and be pushed and prodded by all those that insist on pushing on when there is a train exactly ONE FUCKING MINUTE behind this one??!!!!

Also I know you don't have eyes at the back of your head but would it be at all inconsiderate of me to assume you would not walk like you were going to a funeral in the middle of the platform in rush hour????? DAMMIT some of us have life in our bones and need to get somewhere!!!!

UMBRELLAS

Please for Christ's sake could please watch what the hell you are doing with those spikes whilst walking on busy streets and street markets!!!!!

PUBLIC NOSE PICKERS

Do that SHIT IN PRIVATE!!! It is the most disgusting thing to see a grown person picking their nose and EATING IT or WIPING IT ON CHAIRS AND WALLS on public transport!!! STOP IT!!! its NASTY... wait till you get home or use a tissue for Christ's sake... some of us have dinners to go home and make and the visual you so considerately treated us to makes some of us heave. If I catch you doing it i will say out loud how disgusting you are and embarrass you in public as I have done so many other times before... It's GROSS... STOP IT!!!

WOMEN WHO WEAR WEAVES

Get the right colour and If it needs redoing for heavens sake wear a head scarf... Also no one wants to see your hair having a fight with your forehead and regrowth!!! Get it sorted!!

DRIVERS

If you see a learner driver at the traffic lights and they have stalled the car or are not pulling off as quickly as you would like them too can you try to remember when you were just learning and how daunting it is when you come to a busy road?.. Don't be a prize wank stain and honk ya horn/ curse out ya window or generally be a prick especially when you think you are a boy racer with ya skanky hip-hop/Chav wannabe girlfriend in the passenger seat.

JEREMY KYLE

SELF RIGHTEOUS PRICK, You were fuck all before Jerry springer came to our shores and had to take a break to do his theatre show, on his days off you would fill in for him. You started off as a refreshing chat show host but after getting your foot int he door you started to think being a showman was more important than people's feelings. You started to get all high and mighty as you passed comment on your guests, as the audience stood behind you and pretty soon you started to take it all too far...You're a CU*T.


MY EX (I no longer love you)

A Change is about to come......

Famous Last words, or Prophetic?

Well since last blogging I am starting to feel a little better about my life, so lets see... where do I start?....

Weeeell, the weekend before last, when I was feeling extremely horny I ended up on this website and saw a woman advertising for another, I was captured by her profile title 'Daddi seeks Hys Queen' ...

"Oooh"

I thought.. nice line. Now you know what sold me on that dont you...? Come on you must be getting to know me by now LOL... yep you got it, it was the word "Daddi".

I decided to click on the link to get more info, read through the criteria made sure she was butch and of a good height.. Tick .,.. Tick... and then if she wanted kids?... Ti- OH... it said she already had one and didnt want anymore. Now usually I would be put off but seeing as I am not looking for a relationship it didnt matter to me.

Well then I scrolled down and saw a pic.... CUTE!!!!.. interestingly enough this was a site mainly for women of colour- to be honest I was only on that site as I was looking for more erotic reading online and my curiosity made me look at the personals.. knowing full well they were all going to be in the USA. I was just curious is all. - This woman was white and clearly stated that she didnt care if people didnt like the fact she was on a site predominantly for women of colour she didnt discriminate. That got my attention.

I decided to email her and simply state that I wouldnt mind making a new friend and that I thought she was cute..... finally after adding a link to my picture and pressing send.. my pc broke again DOH!!

I waited anxioulsy the next day for a reply and when one came she asked if I thought she was cute as in " puppy dog cute"... that made me giggle, I used my PDA to respond and made it very clear I thought she looked sexy... well from then on we have been talking everyday via phone and the net, she is very spiritual, has a good job that is worthwhile and fulfilling that she loves, she has an adorable daughter and a great sense of humour.

I am planning to go and see her in two weeks.... OK OK most would think I was mad but to be honest I have done far riskier things in my time and she seems nice. Besides....

1) I had decided I needed a break from the UK for a couple weeks now as the stress of dealing with the bitch and the hozzie appointments have been getting me down.

2) I can afford it and why wait?!

3) I will be moving to the states anyway in a few years so why not take the opportunity to go and see as much of the place as possible

So why Not!?! I say, I will only live once and I have a good feeling about it, besides I think she may just be worth it even if we end up being only friends and not clicking in that way. I have always had a weaknes for American women especially the butch ones.. Mmmmm.

OK a bit more about her?.. Well she is 36, a Gemini, lives with her daughter and also is a counsellor appointed by the court system to help people with addictions.... I know!! I just keep finding these women with connections to alcohol and drugs in some form or another - it has been pointed out that maybe more people take part in these things than I know.

She is also a Reverend!! I LOL I know I know!! CRAZY!! or what!!?! Well anyway...... she is also into parapsychology and deals with supernatural phenomena... I am so excited!!! I have been really interested in that stuff from a child and finally meeting someone else who has a healthy interest is really exciting for me. Not only that but her life is lived by utilising Bhuddist beliefs and she is very spiritual as well as a realist.

I have sent her a Tesco internet phone so we can keep intouch for free and chat whenever we want.. its FREEEEEEE and we all know that Freeness is Goodness. She should get it soon.

I am not thinking she is Hysband material but you know what?... If she is then she is.

OK enough about that for a while.

I have also been thinking maybe I need to change my skills, talking to 'Stud' last night I was thinking maybe I should go into youth counselling... I know I would be a great counsellor and I love working with and helping to inspire young people. You may remember me talking about meeting this woman in the steam room a few weeks back and being sure she was a Lesbian... well how WRONG was I?? Very infact, I saw her this weekend and we had a chat as I was waiting for my Total body work out class to begin... Yes I went back for more punishment.....it turns out she is also trying for a baby with her BOYFRIEND and she is older than me.

She asked me what I did for a living and I told her, she asked if I would be interested in mentoring young people and giving talks on various topics?... I was shocked but agreed and also said that I had been thinking about doing youth work and opening up a centre in the past.

She said whe would email me this week with more info and obviously it would be unpaid.

Suits me.

I finsh at my current post on Friday, ... so that leaves me free to decide and go away on holiday for two weeks. I am already wondering what quals would give me the upper hand when I do finally go to the States.

Oh I just wanted to share something with you that 'Daddi' sent me to help me try to get through all the things I am going through right now and in particular I think the whole Fertility thing..

It is called 'Dying professors last lecture'




The last quote almost made me cry, this is one of the things I like about her, I get things like this that help me through what I am going through in life. Only my best friend and selective others think about me and my needs in this way and for that I will forever love them.

OK what else do I have to share ......My juicer is still going strong and I am losing weight.. I can feel it and also I am getting a lot fitter especially as I can now walk up 60 steps without being out of breath and without stopping whilst the others take the adjoining escalators at my local tube station. I will progress to running up them by this time 2010.

I recently heard that the Bitch is back on the drugs and drinking, I think I did the best thing to get away from her for good, she is far too destructive, maybe she is hurting but FUCKING GET COUNSELLING AND STICK WITH IT YA DOOFUSS!!! Anyway.... Anytime I feel an ounce of pity for her I think of all the shit I put up with. Daddi said something very interesting the other day.....

.." The closest us "Normal" people come to insanity is being in love"

I totally agree.....Thank you Daddi....xx

NOW I'm FUCKING PISSED

One of my posts has mysteriously been deleted by the system......... I AM PISSED AS HELL, all these fucking glitches why did I bother with BLOGGER???

NO wonder people are leaving!!

FUCKING HELL... that one was everything happening in my life with SB and some real emotional stuff of reference and relevance to everything else going on in my life.....GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

FUCK!!!

Happy Monday my arse!

Morning,

01:03am I get a call from SB, I had only just managed to doze off to sleep and could not have been sleeping for longer than 40 mins when the phone rang rather loudly from under the pillow next to me. I ignored it. then I heard my text message go off. I ignored that too.

I was not being "cold" in fact I was doing the risk assessment in my mind that I have found I do so often when having communications with her. Was it a good idea to read the text now and possibly not get back to sleep for hours with work in the morning? or ...Should I ignore it and try not to worry that it will be something of high emergency and get back to sleep in a fraction of the time?

It was a hard decision to make, I would never want to ignore her in her time of need or what if something bad was happening to her and she called me and I later found out she was dead or being hurt? I would never and could never forgive myself ever.

So I read it in the morning before work, hoping it was nothing but instead it said:

Please talk to me im thinkin bout doing horrible things to myself

I was worried, I was upset, I don't want her to hurt as much as she is, I know she is sorry for all she has said but it does not change the fact she said them. I realised in that instant that she was manipulating me yet again and I also realised even though I cheated on her with two different people in the same time frame when we were in the first year of our relationship, I did so not because I wanted to hurt her or get my own back, I did so because she was hurting me so much, being abusive and violent.

It was not about her it was about me needing someone who didn't want to hurt me even though I still loved her and wished she would change. But when she hurts me, it is intentional and she goes for the jugular, like the time she called me a.....

Black Whore.

OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!... yes ...She did.... we split and she grovelled for months trying to get me back

She knew it would hurt -even though she was drunk- and also that I didn't tolerate racist remarks even in anger towards ANY race of people, to me I don't care how angry that person makes you, I would never ever say something bad about them that was unchangeable such as their skin colour, disability, culture etc.... That to me shows you have that in you and no matter how hard you try to deny it and say

It was only because I was angry, I said it in anger

It does not change the fact you said it, I would call you a fat bitch if I knew you ate junk food all the time and was too lazy to do anything about it if I am angry at you. but even then I don't generally have those insults pop into my head even in retaliation to something racist said to me, that's just mean and hurtful I am much more inclined to attack your behaviour or character. Is it just me!?!

Anyway... I sat on my bed and allowed myself to cry then I decided I had no choice but to text 'STUD' and ask her to make sure SB is ok as I didn't feel up to communicating with her even via a text message.

I got a call from STUD a few minutes later saying that she left a message on SB's voicemail but she didn't think anything was wrong with SB only she went out the night before got drunk and probably was feeling bad at the time, so nothing more is wrong with her than being drunk and trying to manipulate me as she is not getting any kind of response.

STUD also told me that she had been talking for hours on the phone to SB during Sunday afternoon and she was fine and said she was going to go out and party with friends.

I felt better knowing that she was OK.

I feel like shit again today, usually no matter what is going on with me I can put on a good mood for work but not today, I feel withdrawn and isolated in my stress, I don't feel like smiling, and I don't feel like talking to anyone even to answer the phone, but I am trying not to make it show. Don't you hate it when people ask you, are you OK? and if you have had a good weekend when you haven't? I am using all the strength I have to not say:

NO, IamfeelinglikeshitmyweekendwasworseandIjustwanttodiesilently have you got a hanky?

Breathe.....

Aside from that I had a very large package waiting for me at work today......YEP you guessed it ...My JUICERRRRRR!! That cheered me up somewhat. I can't wait to get juicing. I will post pics of my first attempt.

Speaking of which....

Here are the pics I said I would post in my previous posting about flowers received from SB on Saturday.

I have also decided to post pictures of meal ideas I concoct to help with my new healthy food combining regime. For those who don't know what 'Food Combining' is, it is also known as the 'Hay diet' . Basically not to mix carbohydrates such as rice, bread and pasta, potatoes etc.. with protein such as meat, fish, eggs etc..

http://www.formerfatguy.com/food-combine.asp

This is the second dish done in my new slow cooker prepared and set to cook for Sunday from the night before on a medium setting, should be ready by lunchtime Sunday Ha ha:

2 chicken thighs (without skin)

2 chicken legs (without skin)

4 whole carrots (chopped)

2 large whole onions (chopped)

2 handfuls of broad beans

2 handfuls of green and red lentils (I think they are neutral)

1 Handful of Golden linseed's

Black pepper and mixed herbs

1 pint of vegetable and chicken stock

A few dashes of soy sauce instead of salt and HEY PRESTO!!... (say that as you put it all in the pot and cover with the lid)

Here is the dish I concocted on Saturday after I returned from the Leisure centre

A handful of King prawns

A handful of chopped Salmon and Rainbow trout Pieces

1 small onion

some freshly chopped ginger (to taste)
Olive oil

And stir fry in a wok and served on a bed of salad and cucumber and cherry tomatoes and topped with Golden linseed's.

So what do you think? ....

"She's a HUMAN!!!"

This is funny, saw it on someone elses page and wanted to share it with you, this guy cant be for real.







I wanted to share some pics with you but the USB lead is at work so I will do it on monday.

I got up today and went to the leisure centre to do the 'Total Body Workout' class. I knew it was not going to be easy but fuckin' ell I almost died after doing step movements for 40 mins.

Now, I KNOW how to co-ordinate but you know what!?! after 20 mins all my co-ordination went out the window, I looked like an Octopuss on an 'E', arms flaing, legs struggling and all this to music, can you imagin the site? Pathetic was what it was.



I couldnt wait for the torture to be over, I felt like I wasn't black, like the blood of James Brown didnt flow through my veins and my ears from such an early age..... embarassing. Anywaaaay....



I couldnt wait to get in the pool and swiftly headed towards my locker downstairs, which was packed with my shopping from the Tesco's shop that I had decided to do before the class started, as I knew I would be too tired afterwards.



I went into the steam room which so happened to be 'Women Only' session and ended up talking to a group of women all from different walks of life and age groups, one was Australian Greek, one was Irish, one was Nigerian, one was Jamaican, one was Pakistani and their ages ranged from 29-55. A really good discussion ensued.



I am sure one was a lesbian, she worked for the Terrence Higgins Trust was always refering to her "partner" and in one comment she got pretty narky when one woman commented that her daughter also in training, like the said woman to be an STD advisor/nurse would probably be looking at penises all day, the woman got preeeeety shirty and indignant, and the fact she said that all Vaginas are different but most penises look the same, much to the woman's amazement. Anyway that was good enough for me. LLLLLLLesbiAN!!!



I then decided I had had enough and needed a swim now the pool was open. I got talking or rather I was accosted by this young girl who wanted to talk... ok... I thought, friendly girl, I asked her if she had come with her parent/s siblings or friends in an attempt to figure out why she was trying to make conversation with me, on doing so I felt really awkward almost like I was phishing, or I was an unsavoury character, but I only wanted to encourage her to go off and play with who ever she came with, afterall, I thought she has gotta be no older than 13/14 and here I am a big grown 30 year old woman I would have nothing to talk to her about.

Even though I like the youth and have considered Youth work to help them with any issues they may have, being around teenagers especially girls can make me nervous, I think that is due to my sexuality and not wanting to give them the wrong impression so I make big efforts to stay far and wide.



You see because I dont "hide" my sexuality but I dont look like a stereotype lesbian and I would not want it to come out that I am - which it will as I am an open person - and have a young girl think any of my actions were motivated by you know, gosh I cant even say it, its gross to think people could look at youngsters, young CHILDREN and think anything sexual.. it turns my stomach. Anyway.....



I kept my distance but she obvioulsy wanted to talk so, I adjusted my mindset to that of a younger person and made small talk to be friendly and asked her if she could do handstands underwater and somersaults just to be friendly, and didnt make tooo much effort to entertain her and infact I even went off for a swim on my own just to hopefully encourage her to go off and play with people her own age.

Well before I know it, bless her little heart, we are talking full flow, it started when she asked me what was the best way to lose weight and what exercise should she do to help? So.... I said that eating well and swimming, playing sports or dancing are fun ways to lose it.



From that moment on we had a nice discussion about weight and how much she would like to lose and that she wanted to be a vet and was going to college to do so this summer...... It turns out she was 16, and even though it still felt a bit weird, the fact she was asking for my advice made it easier.



An hour later she is confiding in me that she has smelly feet and doesnt know what to do about it and I try to be as honest and candid as I can about a problem that she is very embarassed about, at first it was an out of the blue question...

"What makes people have smelly feet?"



It took me by surprise..... I said it could be a number of things, mainly sweat and sometimes fungus, she then asked me what could someone use, I delicately shared an experience with her about sometimes having smelly feet in trainers and that making sure that you always wear clean cotton socks and maybe get some tea tree oil to rub on your feet after having a shower or bath and that also there are sprays and powders that could help and that it is a very common issue and not to feel too bad about it but pop along to the doctor and they could advise you better and maybe even give you a treatment of creams and potions to help.



The smile on her face was priceless, we then talked about her grades at school and she was very honest about her weight issue and laziness in losing it, to be honest it was a really nice conversation, I tried to help aleviate some of her fears and insecurities about herself when asked. We talked candidly about how being over weight makes your thighs rub together and that she uses nappy rash cream to help stop the soreness and it has worked but it doesnt stop them rubbing..... I said Honey! the only thing that will stop that is for us to lose weight... she saw the humour and laughed in agreement, we both have to lose 3stone.



I think for 2 hours I made a young girl feel normal and maybe a little less alone with some of her issues, that really made me smile particularly as I was always sure to let her steer the conversation and I kept it all about her only telling her about me to help her see that it is all ok and she is not the only one that has these issues but she can change them. I felt like a mentor or that cool aunt everyone has.



At 14:55 we decided to get out the pool before the rush as the session ended at 15:00 and I went off and got changed and met her after to say that it was nice talking to her, also I wanted to say that I may be there next week and wish her luck till then on her dieting, I guess I also wanted to say that if she wanted to talk to anyone about stuff and dieting she was free to call me, but I warned her about stalking me...and we laughed but I got a promise that she wouldnt.



I guess because I have always thought about youth work and reaching out to young people I was happy to offer her my ear and also it was so evident she wanted someone to talk to as she said she didnt have friends that she could ask these things and she couldnt talk to her mum or brothers about them even though they were close.



As we walked out the centre into the carpark I offered her one of my new krisp crackers that I had been eating as we said our good byes, she said that her mum had just called whilst she was getting changed and asked her to bring in a doner kebab for her brother and she had to get it on the way home, and that those things made it hard to lose weight so I offered her one of my new seeded-goodness-large enough to eat ya dinner off of-crackers and she loved them so I gave her a whole packet and made her promise that she wouldnt eat any kebab and to eat those instead until she got home to have a healthy meal. She promised.



Walking home I imagined what it would be like to speak to my daughter or son about things that bothered them, my heart felt heavy, which is why when SB in her rage said I didnt deserve kids and there was a reason why I couldnt have any it hurt so deeply. I was walking past all these people with children, talking to them so harshly, shouting and screaming at them.......it makes me sad some people treat their kids that way.



As I reached my front door I had a large box waiting for me... surely this isnt my JUICERRRR... OMG...!! No... alas it was too light weight and had a huge tape around it giving clear instructions to be delivered before Noon... I got in, dropped my bags and opened it....it was fresh flowers from SB with a huge note...

I know this is for the best. I am not trying to change things.
I am really sorry for what I said
Love always XX

I cried, I still love her alot but I could never forget what she said....she could have spent a bit more on the flowers though, cheap skate.

I'll post pics of them on Monday, they are beautiful. I cant even put them in a vase on my table, it still feels so raw...... I want to move on to someone else, I want to be ready and open for whoever comes along, But I know that is going to take a loooooong time, just because I am so hurt, it took me 18 months to feel ready for even dating the last time.

well... I am off to bed now, enjoy the video...it pathetically funny.

Mo' Work Mo' Money

Well after waking up today aching slightly, I killed time on the net purchased my new juicer for £199, (expensive I know but all will become clear soon) bought my mum some clothes rails, ordered another set top box for the boudoir and sorted out my TV licence then made my way to work.

They have offered me a good run of a few months I think I may take it although it definately is NOT what I want to do as I am working to become a PA in media preferbly for someone famous or high profile, but for now this will do, at least it is money coming in right...

Anyway last time posted I said I would tell you all about what has been happening. OK well here goes... you sitting comfortably I will try to cut out the boring bits.

Coming home after a day out avoiding the carnival I was waiting on the silverlink train platform for the next train when I spotted a man pacing up and down the open air platform getting agitated and almost looking for a confrontation from the many passengers also waiting.

He made his way over to us and started saying the word N***** as he paced infront of us (SB is white).

I told her not to do anything as he was a pr*ck. I ignored him as he carried on for the next 5mins till the train came, pacing infront of myself and one other black man repeating it.

As the train pulled in, we stood back to make sure he didn't follow us into the same carriage, we rushed to another carriage hoping he didn't see us but he did and tried to follow us into the carriage, as he was trying to get on I said very loudly not to let him on as he was racially abusive and SB - already in a packed carriage -tried to block him from getting on, as this happened I was arguing with him saying I was not going to share the same carriage as this man as he called me a f***ing N***** completely unprovoked and pushed him off the train just before the doors closed shut.

I am annoyed because I think he got what he wanted from his pathetic existence -a reaction-from someone, anyone. I always stick up for what I think is right and don't usually get physical as I think no-one has the right to put their hands on another but I was furiously adamant I didn't want to share the same space with him giving him the opportunity to abuse me further, afterall no one on the platform said anything so for him that would have been a green light.

I was patted on the back by two other black people on the packed train after the incident, but I still wanted to cry, I was humiliated in public because of my race and usually so strong two days later I felt like crap and was too embarrassed at the time to tell my family or friends who know me.

It's been many years since I have been racially abused and I forgot how much it hurts, I'm glad I did something but annoyed I think he won.......it took a while to sink in as I tried to downplay it and reassure SB whilst she was staying with me, she was feeling guilty she didn't do more (but I am not angry at her, there was nothing more rational she could have done at the time)



So that was that....then

SB and I Had our first counselling session as a couple and it went ok, we were both open to it and even became tearful, I think she realised how harsh she treated me. Anyway we came out there feeling slightly awkward but ok and hopeful.

Had a few weeks to mull over what was discussed and we soent some time together but nothing sexual nand we had a great laugh.......until that is it all went pearshaped.

One weekend she lost it all because my best mate had asked if I had heard from her and if she was ok and i said yes, that was all..... but SB didnt wnat me to mention ANYTHING ot my best mate and basically lie, i didnt get that and she hit the roof and stormed out then stormed back in and threw something at my head which i later realised was a pack of the sunday paper, It was pretty hard, anyway I tried to keep calm buyt she started kicking things and trying to smash stuff. She eventually calmed down after lots of shouting from us both and she wanted to make it all ok, I asked her to leave and said I didnt think we should be around eachother for awhile.

For a few days I had little necesary contact or no contact with her, by the thrusday she called me to ask if I wanted to go to the theatre, I thanked her and declined as it wasnt my thing what she was going to see... actually she booked the tickets for that in advance for her mum as a surprise but they had had an argument and she decided to call me.

I knew something was up so I called her back and asked if she wanted to talk I could tell by her voice she was mad and the only person asoide from me that gets her that angry is her mother, dad or brother..didnt take a genius......

Well she snapped and said NO then told me that we have nothing in common and the sessions were a waste of time - by this point we had had 2 sessions in total - and she said I should call up and cancel the next one due the following Friday.

I left it for 30mins or so and then sent her a text to ask if she was sure as if I didnt give the woman a weeks notice we would still have to pay, her reply "Yes, Cancel" so I DID. I then got a call asking if i did it already and when i said yes she basically gave me the guilt trip and took her anger out on me then hung up.

I didnt speak to her for awhile and when she texted me and apologised I accepted but didnt want to speak to her for a while as I had the big hospital consultation on the following Monday and I was nervous and I didnt want to have to deal with her shit.

Well monday at the hospital : OK... Found out I have Endometriosis in addition to Fibroids AND Polycystic Ovaries. The fibroids they are not concerned about affecting my fertility but they are going to perform Laparascopic surgery - to determine and treat the Endometriosis and polycystic ovaries - which is a key hole procedure into my belly button to zap me where needed and to drill holes in my ovaries.

Am I worried? yep! As don't even know if after that I will get pg anyway, and I have never been under general anaesthetic before but going through with it.


I also have been told I need to lose 3 Stone, hence why I am exercising and trying to eat healthy, OH! and why I bought a very expensive juicer, figured might as well do it right and I wanted one that I would be sure would last and it got reviews on WHICH? website so... what better reason besides I can buy huge bowls of fruit on the highstreet for a £1, so when it arrives I should be juicing happy.

So that is more or less the story so far will update you on more tomorrow.... I am now off to put my feet up and eat more Farleys Rusk...oh damn they're finished. Oh well.

I have added a few links to pages that will help explain the surgery on this side >>>>