I wanted to share some pics with you but the USB lead is at work so I will do it on monday.
I got up today and went to the leisure centre to do the 'Total Body Workout' class. I knew it was not going to be easy but fuckin' ell I almost died after doing step movements for 40 mins.
Now, I KNOW how to co-ordinate but you know what!?! after 20 mins all my co-ordination went out the window, I looked like an Octopuss on an 'E', arms flaing, legs struggling and all this to music, can you imagin the site? Pathetic was what it was.
I couldnt wait for the torture to be over, I felt like I wasn't black, like the blood of James Brown didnt flow through my veins and my ears from such an early age..... embarassing. Anywaaaay....
I couldnt wait to get in the pool and swiftly headed towards my locker downstairs, which was packed with my shopping from the Tesco's shop that I had decided to do before the class started, as I knew I would be too tired afterwards.
I went into the steam room which so happened to be 'Women Only' session and ended up talking to a group of women all from different walks of life and age groups, one was Australian Greek, one was Irish, one was Nigerian, one was Jamaican, one was Pakistani and their ages ranged from 29-55. A really good discussion ensued.
I am sure one was a lesbian, she worked for the Terrence Higgins Trust was always refering to her "partner" and in one comment she got pretty narky when one woman commented that her daughter also in training, like the said woman to be an STD advisor/nurse would probably be looking at penises all day, the woman got preeeeety shirty and indignant, and the fact she said that all Vaginas are different but most penises look the same, much to the woman's amazement. Anyway that was good enough for me. LLLLLLLesbiAN!!!
I then decided I had had enough and needed a swim now the pool was open. I got talking or rather I was accosted by this young girl who wanted to talk... ok... I thought, friendly girl, I asked her if she had come with her parent/s siblings or friends in an attempt to figure out why she was trying to make conversation with me, on doing so I felt really awkward almost like I was phishing, or I was an unsavoury character, but I only wanted to encourage her to go off and play with who ever she came with, afterall, I thought she has gotta be no older than 13/14 and here I am a big grown 30 year old woman I would have nothing to talk to her about.
Even though I like the youth and have considered Youth work to help them with any issues they may have, being around teenagers especially girls can make me nervous, I think that is due to my sexuality and not wanting to give them the wrong impression so I make big efforts to stay far and wide.
You see because I dont "hide" my sexuality but I dont look like a stereotype lesbian and I would not want it to come out that I am - which it will as I am an open person - and have a young girl think any of my actions were motivated by you know, gosh I cant even say it, its gross to think people could look at youngsters, young CHILDREN and think anything sexual.. it turns my stomach. Anyway.....
I kept my distance but she obvioulsy wanted to talk so, I adjusted my mindset to that of a younger person and made small talk to be friendly and asked her if she could do handstands underwater and somersaults just to be friendly, and didnt make tooo much effort to entertain her and infact I even went off for a swim on my own just to hopefully encourage her to go off and play with people her own age.
Well before I know it, bless her little heart, we are talking full flow, it started when she asked me what was the best way to lose weight and what exercise should she do to help? So.... I said that eating well and swimming, playing sports or dancing are fun ways to lose it.
From that moment on we had a nice discussion about weight and how much she would like to lose and that she wanted to be a vet and was going to college to do so this summer...... It turns out she was 16, and even though it still felt a bit weird, the fact she was asking for my advice made it easier.
An hour later she is confiding in me that she has smelly feet and doesnt know what to do about it and I try to be as honest and candid as I can about a problem that she is very embarassed about, at first it was an out of the blue question... "What makes people have smelly feet?"
It took me by surprise..... I said it could be a number of things, mainly sweat and sometimes fungus, she then asked me what could someone use, I delicately shared an experience with her about sometimes having smelly feet in trainers and that making sure that you always wear clean cotton socks and maybe get some tea tree oil to rub on your feet after having a shower or bath and that also there are sprays and powders that could help and that it is a very common issue and not to feel too bad about it but pop along to the doctor and they could advise you better and maybe even give you a treatment of creams and potions to help.
The smile on her face was priceless, we then talked about her grades at school and she was very honest about her weight issue and laziness in losing it, to be honest it was a really nice conversation, I tried to help aleviate some of her fears and insecurities about herself when asked. We talked candidly about how being over weight makes your thighs rub together and that she uses nappy rash cream to help stop the soreness and it has worked but it doesnt stop them rubbing..... I said Honey! the only thing that will stop that is for us to lose weight... she saw the humour and laughed in agreement, we both have to lose 3stone.
I think for 2 hours I made a young girl feel normal and maybe a little less alone with some of her issues, that really made me smile particularly as I was always sure to let her steer the conversation and I kept it all about her only telling her about me to help her see that it is all ok and she is not the only one that has these issues but she can change them. I felt like a mentor or that cool aunt everyone has.
At 14:55 we decided to get out the pool before the rush as the session ended at 15:00 and I went off and got changed and met her after to say that it was nice talking to her, also I wanted to say that I may be there next week and wish her luck till then on her dieting, I guess I also wanted to say that if she wanted to talk to anyone about stuff and dieting she was free to call me, but I warned her about stalking me...and we laughed but I got a promise that she wouldnt.
I guess because I have always thought about youth work and reaching out to young people I was happy to offer her my ear and also it was so evident she wanted someone to talk to as she said she didnt have friends that she could ask these things and she couldnt talk to her mum or brothers about them even though they were close.
As we walked out the centre into the carpark I offered her one of my new krisp crackers that I had been eating as we said our good byes, she said that her mum had just called whilst she was getting changed and asked her to bring in a doner kebab for her brother and she had to get it on the way home, and that those things made it hard to lose weight so I offered her one of my new seeded-goodness-large enough to eat ya dinner off of-crackers and she loved them so I gave her a whole packet and made her promise that she wouldnt eat any kebab and to eat those instead until she got home to have a healthy meal. She promised.
Walking home I imagined what it would be like to speak to my daughter or son about things that bothered them, my heart felt heavy, which is why when SB in her rage said I didnt deserve kids and there was a reason why I couldnt have any it hurt so deeply. I was walking past all these people with children, talking to them so harshly, shouting and screaming at them.......it makes me sad some people treat their kids that way.
As I reached my front door I had a large box waiting for me... surely this isnt my JUICERRRR... OMG...!! No... alas it was too light weight and had a huge tape around it giving clear instructions to be delivered before Noon... I got in, dropped my bags and opened it....it was fresh flowers from SB with a huge note...
I know this is for the best. I am not trying to change things.
I am really sorry for what I said
Love always XX
I cried, I still love her alot but I could never forget what she said....she could have spent a bit more on the flowers though, cheap skate.
I'll post pics of them on Monday, they are beautiful. I cant even put them in a vase on my table, it still feels so raw...... I want to move on to someone else, I want to be ready and open for whoever comes along, But I know that is going to take a loooooong time, just because I am so hurt, it took me 18 months to feel ready for even dating the last time.
well... I am off to bed now, enjoy the video...it pathetically funny.
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