Happy Monday my arse!

Morning,

01:03am I get a call from SB, I had only just managed to doze off to sleep and could not have been sleeping for longer than 40 mins when the phone rang rather loudly from under the pillow next to me. I ignored it. then I heard my text message go off. I ignored that too.

I was not being "cold" in fact I was doing the risk assessment in my mind that I have found I do so often when having communications with her. Was it a good idea to read the text now and possibly not get back to sleep for hours with work in the morning? or ...Should I ignore it and try not to worry that it will be something of high emergency and get back to sleep in a fraction of the time?

It was a hard decision to make, I would never want to ignore her in her time of need or what if something bad was happening to her and she called me and I later found out she was dead or being hurt? I would never and could never forgive myself ever.

So I read it in the morning before work, hoping it was nothing but instead it said:

Please talk to me im thinkin bout doing horrible things to myself

I was worried, I was upset, I don't want her to hurt as much as she is, I know she is sorry for all she has said but it does not change the fact she said them. I realised in that instant that she was manipulating me yet again and I also realised even though I cheated on her with two different people in the same time frame when we were in the first year of our relationship, I did so not because I wanted to hurt her or get my own back, I did so because she was hurting me so much, being abusive and violent.

It was not about her it was about me needing someone who didn't want to hurt me even though I still loved her and wished she would change. But when she hurts me, it is intentional and she goes for the jugular, like the time she called me a.....

Black Whore.

OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!... yes ...She did.... we split and she grovelled for months trying to get me back

She knew it would hurt -even though she was drunk- and also that I didn't tolerate racist remarks even in anger towards ANY race of people, to me I don't care how angry that person makes you, I would never ever say something bad about them that was unchangeable such as their skin colour, disability, culture etc.... That to me shows you have that in you and no matter how hard you try to deny it and say

It was only because I was angry, I said it in anger

It does not change the fact you said it, I would call you a fat bitch if I knew you ate junk food all the time and was too lazy to do anything about it if I am angry at you. but even then I don't generally have those insults pop into my head even in retaliation to something racist said to me, that's just mean and hurtful I am much more inclined to attack your behaviour or character. Is it just me!?!

Anyway... I sat on my bed and allowed myself to cry then I decided I had no choice but to text 'STUD' and ask her to make sure SB is ok as I didn't feel up to communicating with her even via a text message.

I got a call from STUD a few minutes later saying that she left a message on SB's voicemail but she didn't think anything was wrong with SB only she went out the night before got drunk and probably was feeling bad at the time, so nothing more is wrong with her than being drunk and trying to manipulate me as she is not getting any kind of response.

STUD also told me that she had been talking for hours on the phone to SB during Sunday afternoon and she was fine and said she was going to go out and party with friends.

I felt better knowing that she was OK.

I feel like shit again today, usually no matter what is going on with me I can put on a good mood for work but not today, I feel withdrawn and isolated in my stress, I don't feel like smiling, and I don't feel like talking to anyone even to answer the phone, but I am trying not to make it show. Don't you hate it when people ask you, are you OK? and if you have had a good weekend when you haven't? I am using all the strength I have to not say:

NO, IamfeelinglikeshitmyweekendwasworseandIjustwanttodiesilently have you got a hanky?

Breathe.....

Aside from that I had a very large package waiting for me at work today......YEP you guessed it ...My JUICERRRRRR!! That cheered me up somewhat. I can't wait to get juicing. I will post pics of my first attempt.

Speaking of which....

Here are the pics I said I would post in my previous posting about flowers received from SB on Saturday.

I have also decided to post pictures of meal ideas I concoct to help with my new healthy food combining regime. For those who don't know what 'Food Combining' is, it is also known as the 'Hay diet' . Basically not to mix carbohydrates such as rice, bread and pasta, potatoes etc.. with protein such as meat, fish, eggs etc..

http://www.formerfatguy.com/food-combine.asp

This is the second dish done in my new slow cooker prepared and set to cook for Sunday from the night before on a medium setting, should be ready by lunchtime Sunday Ha ha:

2 chicken thighs (without skin)

2 chicken legs (without skin)

4 whole carrots (chopped)

2 large whole onions (chopped)

2 handfuls of broad beans

2 handfuls of green and red lentils (I think they are neutral)

1 Handful of Golden linseed's

Black pepper and mixed herbs

1 pint of vegetable and chicken stock

A few dashes of soy sauce instead of salt and HEY PRESTO!!... (say that as you put it all in the pot and cover with the lid)

Here is the dish I concocted on Saturday after I returned from the Leisure centre

A handful of King prawns

A handful of chopped Salmon and Rainbow trout Pieces

1 small onion

some freshly chopped ginger (to taste)
Olive oil

And stir fry in a wok and served on a bed of salad and cucumber and cherry tomatoes and topped with Golden linseed's.

So what do you think? ....