The story thus far.....

Sunday morning I had my braids done by the stylist that comes to my home.... she had been away for a while and I guess she was losing her touch, the braids were too big the sections to small and the end result even after making a few comments has now resulted in my very fine mixed heritage hair being pulled from the roots......

Mad? you damn right I am. I have mentioned time and time again that I cannot have such heavy braids in my hair, the first time she did my hair the style was wonderful, she is usually very good and very fast, 3-4hours for a full head, this time it took her 8 hours for twice the thickness.

It's horrible to complain when most of it is finished and well, I believe in life there are certain people you should never piss off....



Your Doctor, Your Solicitor, The chef/cook, waiter/waitress and last but by no means least.... your hair stylist



So I paid her -more than I thought she deserved in hindsight-and let her go home.



>>>>>>>>>>FAST FORWARD>>>>>>>>>



Monday morning.

I tried to get some rest so I wouldnt be too tired but I was and ended up getting a taxi to King X thames link for the London to Brighton service Via Gatwick Airport.

Got there in plenty of time so I decided to check in at 06:45, my flight was not until 10:30 but I wanted to try and get the 'Bulk head' or an 'Exit' seat as my legs are so long and on such a long flight I was sure to be uncomfortable with anything else. It didnt work, I lucked out on this trip.



So as it was I sat in my little aisle seat behind a man who insisted on pushing back in the seat to get comfortable, I did kindly ask him at the begining of the flight if he would mind not doing so but he obvioulsy was a dick and he did it anyway....My poor knees.
To make it worse I was dehydrating rapidly, I didnt think to buy a bottle of water at the airport, with all the new regulations and security measures it didnt occure to me that as long as you purchased the food or beverage at the airport AFTER you checked in and got through the departure lounge then it was ok.



So there I sat in the bucket seat, leg cramping up, dehydrating and very emotional due to impending period compounded with hyper sensitivity. It was all started off by a rather abrupt and miserable flight attendant who snapped at me on my way back from the loo because I had brushed passed her hair as she was bending down- the truth is I hardly felt it and due to trying to avoid crashing into a toddler walking freely separated from his mother and the fact that the plane just did a bit of a dip I lost my balance and swerved a little in her direction as she was bent over looking into her luggage.... no doubt to reapply her heavy war paint to the Rhino hide face she had inherited. *Meaooooow*



I duly apologised but that just didnt make a difference, then to make my journey all the more pleasant my neck ache started, out of the blue, I was sure I had packed my pain killers but I couldnt find them so even though I knew that onboard a pane the chances of me getting a pain killer was not as big as the flight attendant's beufont, I asked her anyway only to be answered rather abruptly without so much of a 'can I get you a hot drink? or a cold compress?" fucking WITCH!!



Being dehydrated I decided I needed to ask for some water... I was not about to ask the WITCH anything again, so I managed to get 3 cupsof water an orange juice and a hot tea during the entire flight and I truly wish I had not bothered. Every damn 15-20 mins I had to use the loo, my fibroids have a way of reminding me they are there and going no where anytime soon.

I think due to my uterus getting swollen the fibroids are being pushed closer to my bladder, May need that free sample of TENA Lady afterall.

It was all in all very embarassing trying to avoid the looks from people in my vacinity of the plane due to the fact I couldnt contain myself. Finally with just 40 mins to go till we landed in Charlotte North Carolina I decided to exact revenge and fight back against my body to hold my pee till we landed, That's a lose lose situation I'll tell ya.

I was so tired, emotional and in so much pain from the legs the neck and also my uncomfortably full bladder I just sat and cried silently with my had down trying to make the best of the worst flight I have ever had in my life.



Landed in Charlotte North Carolina and needed the loo desperately. Went through customs smoothly after a few expertly probing questions from an official...Why is it even when you are not guilty you feel like you are!?! I felt like a 'mule', finally I get through another set of security areas and board the second plane to my final destination...



I am competely oblivious to the people around me as I try to look for the 'Baggage claim' section and I hear my name called out, the voice is familiar, for a hot minute my eyes searched through the people and I see hym, leaning against a wall in an open Khaki coloured shirt with a white t-shirt underneath, biege 3/4 length combat shorts and crisp white trainers. Standing beside hyr is Star, looking at me with a big smile on her face. I hug them both and collect my luggage after exchanging pleasantries and a few admiring glances.

>>>>>>>>Fast Forward>>>>>>>

We grab a pizza as it is late by the time we get to the house and we settle down to talk for a little while before Star is sent to bed for her big day at "work" the following morning.

We just sit and look at eachother for a while, my stomach flips as her green eyes stare at me, not smiling but desiring. We unfold and pump up the airbed - she lives in a one bedroom apartment for the time being and her daughter has the bedroom-after sorting the bed out my heart starts to race as I make my way to the shower to get freshened up and ready to collapse, secretly and defiantly wanting to betray the natural urge to sleep only to be able to stay up long enough to observe what might transpire between us next...... Tipota... Nothing.



That night she sleeps on the couch like a true gentlmyn and after talking a little more and exchanging "God, I want you" glances hy bids me good night, my heart sinks... Serves me right though. I am restless and my sleep is fitful, keep waking up feeling very aroused only to turn over and see hy is still on the couch fast asleep.....maybe hy doesnt want me afterall.....



We finally wake up at 6am to get Star off to her meeting point and as they leave knowing it will take only 20min before hy returns I race to the bathroom to freshen up, brush my teeth, adjust my headscarf and pack away the airbed to sit seductively on the couch... managing to grab the pooch to complete the picture just before I hear the keys in the door. Hy comes back with 2 hours to spare before work. I make some room on the couch and we sit at opposit ends body language saying a lot.



We talk about spiritual experiences and perspectives, just the type of light conversation you want first thing in the morning, I think we were just both nervous, hy keeps looking at me with those green eyes and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I feel so comfortable being here, almost like it is exactly where I have always been.



Hy gets ready for work and I get a quick peck on the lips, we both stand there embracing eachother for a hot minute, both of us wanting more but knowing we need to move on, time is not on our side. It was awkward prior to the kiss, we are like teenagers both wanting to do it yet not sure if the timing is right, both of us wondering how this "goodbye" is going to go.... I later find out hy created that feeling on purpose to tease me. I like hym more.



>>>>>>Fast Forward>>>>>>

I cook dinner like the helpful house guest I am and entertain Star for a little while when she arrives home from "work".



Hy comes home, we all chat for a while and decide to get an early night. I offer the other side of the mattress to hym and hy accepts, RESULT!!

Except one thing........ As we get comfortable the dog decides to get in the middle for a snuggle of her own.. HELL NO!!! Those who know me know that I love animals but I wont tolerate animals on or in the bed. I felt so awkward and digusted but I kept quiet for a little while then I felt that I had to say something so I gently said that I was not ok with the dog sleeping in the bed and that it was something that I would need time to adjust to..... NOW I knew full well that I would never "adjust" to having a dog or cat sleep on the bed but I wanted to not come across as aggressive or insulting about my position, afterall I am in their house and she is obvioulsy used to this behaviour and treatment.



Now dont get me wrong, I do fully understand that a pet is for most people the only consistent loving companion in their lives, many of them last longer than the longest relationship and Daddi and Frou have been buddies for 15 years before and after Daddi got sober 12 years ago but I truly believe that animals, as lovely as they are, are animals and they lick their own arses, the arses of other dogs, sometimes eat their own shit, lick their genitalia and generally walk in crap outside, you will never get me allowing a pet to lick my face or sleep in MY sleeping quaters.



This does not mean I dont give love or affection, on the contrary, I hug them, I am able to sit with them and I even talk to them and treat them with love and respect but the fact remains that as clean and "hygienic" as they might be, the level of hygiene in animals and humans are very different, the acceptable bacteria and forms of bacteria are different.



Now it gets me to thinking, in part it must be a cultural thing as well as a personal preference thing, I have yet to date a woman of colour who sleeps with her pets, in our community as a whole, it is not acceptable and frowned upon. Not saying that certain individuals of an ethnic background do not do this but in my experience it tends to be mainly women from western countries....... ok dammit I will say what I mean... White women, as much as I have no issues dating women of other races at all, in fact most of the women I date so happen to be white, the one constant thing I have had come up numerous times and what has contributed to even being turned down is that most, not all, of the white women I have dated wouldnt think twice about sharing themselves intimately with their pets.

It is something I just dont agree with.Hygiene is something I am steadfast about and even though I can see why such bonds are formed it does not excuse it, so instead of making a woman choose between her pet companion and me in the past I would rather leave and move on.

So.... There I am laying on this bed feeling awful, I have just told this woman that I am not comfortable with this and she has decided to sleep on the couch....WITH the dog. Now I thought maybe she just didnt want to be with me and was trying to turn me off... dammit it worked.
I was angry that she decided in that moment to go and sleep on the couch and leave me hanging, especially after our raunchy conversation on her office phone earlier in the day and the sexy story she had me read to get me in "the mood" for when she got home I felt majorly rejected and I had to get up and take time out in the bathroom, due to the hormones I had a little cry and tried to rationalise the situation in my head. I hate crying, it's usually because I am premenstrual why I do.

I get back in bed and dammit I cant sleep... I am so wound up and disappointed in all in one fail swoop I just lay there feeling like crap because I have also hurt hys feelings and I lost out.

The morning was tense, I tried to make small talk and act natural but hy was cranky from having a bad nights sleep obvioulsy stumped as to what to do about the imposing mut.

I decided in my mind that I was not going to let it spoil the trip and that I would leave it to hym to figure it out, and unfortunately I would have to stay put and silently give the ultimatum... either you make the pooch sleep somewhere else or you dont get any..... Blackmail? NO... simply me putting my foot down and validating my feelings as well as hys, for heavens sake it is not like I am saying get rid of the dog or me....



I make a couple poignant remarks and kiss Daddi on the cheek and usher hym through the door off to work thinking.... 'You go figure out what to do with your pooch'..... But I didnt say it.

Little Star is home today, she is not feeling so good.... not enough sleep that's why, so I agreed to allowing her to stay home with me, I dont mind she is a good kid and providing she doesnt build a camp fire in the house I am good letting her do her thing, making sure she eats and is ok.

Daddi called me whilst typing this and we had a chat about last night, hy agreed that it was an uncomfortable situation for us both and that it took a while before hys Ex got around it, I assured hym that I would'nt, as much as I respect the position this pet has as part of the family, I wouldnt be budging.



Hy said hy understood and admitted hy did'nt know what to do and stated jokingly that the dog didnt have much longer to live if it was any consolation.... NO It IS NOT!! If this dog died whilst I was here especially after last night I would definately feel terrible and guilty. I dont want the dog to die I just want the dog the have a place to sleep that is not with me.



I said that if Daddi wanted to "get any" hy would have to sort something out. Hy said that when hy does get- I quote...- Hys " freak on" the pooch knows when to stay away and finds somewhere else to sleep.... I made it clear that there was no way that I would be getting it on and then sharing the bed with said gate crasher post orgasm.



So there it is left...... I am not talking to the dog today and unless Daddi does something and puts hys foot down I wont be talking to hym either and hy will be spending every night on the couch and not so much of a kiss on the lips...... Yes I am giving an ultimatum this time because now I think I am past caring, they have to meet me half way Dammit.

God I am so dehydrated it is awful, my skin feels like sand paper no matter how much moisturiser I put on and my throat feels like the Sahara in a sand storm. flipping Air conditioning.



Off to finish the rest of the raunchy butch/femme story Daddi gave me to read..... In hope that tonight I will be able to satiate my desire. Daddi later confessed that hy fancied me and just wanted to be a gentlmyn not pouncing on my the first night, but last night hy was more than ready and he lay awake feeling angry with Frou for sticking a spanner in the works but tonight will be different. I teased like a naughty girl and mocked Daddi.



Hy said I will pay for it later.....

Butch power - Femme Submission

Image courtesy of artist Jack Vettriano

I like butch women

I find the power they have enticing

They don't care they look like dykes

They are very open with their masculine traits

They are bold and I like to think they are in control

I like to surrender my control and self to a butch,

it makes me feel wanted and desired,

to have Daddi tell me what to do and do with me as hy pleases.

I like pleasing,

I like to be told I am a good girl for taking the sweet punishment of penetration

Taking it ALL inside to please Daddi....

I like to lay there and be tortured into submission

when I disobey and the glint of defiance flashes in my eyes...

I like to be shown who is boss when

my stubborn ways get the better of me

And

I resist Daddi's advances much to hys disapproval and entertainment

Reenacting the desires and scenes that send Daddi over the edge only fuel to excite me Make me want to become those characters,

Willing hym to take and torture, then finally to reward,

Reward me for all the good behaviour,

Reward me for all the submission I have given and the trust....

To then be cradled out of my mental 'sub space'

Wrapped in the arms of Daddi bringing me back.

To warmth,

To tenderness.......

To love....

A Change is about to come......

Famous Last words, or Prophetic?

Well since last blogging I am starting to feel a little better about my life, so lets see... where do I start?....

Weeeell, the weekend before last, when I was feeling extremely horny I ended up on this website and saw a woman advertising for another, I was captured by her profile title 'Daddi seeks Hys Queen' ...

"Oooh"

I thought.. nice line. Now you know what sold me on that dont you...? Come on you must be getting to know me by now LOL... yep you got it, it was the word "Daddi".

I decided to click on the link to get more info, read through the criteria made sure she was butch and of a good height.. Tick .,.. Tick... and then if she wanted kids?... Ti- OH... it said she already had one and didnt want anymore. Now usually I would be put off but seeing as I am not looking for a relationship it didnt matter to me.

Well then I scrolled down and saw a pic.... CUTE!!!!.. interestingly enough this was a site mainly for women of colour- to be honest I was only on that site as I was looking for more erotic reading online and my curiosity made me look at the personals.. knowing full well they were all going to be in the USA. I was just curious is all. - This woman was white and clearly stated that she didnt care if people didnt like the fact she was on a site predominantly for women of colour she didnt discriminate. That got my attention.

I decided to email her and simply state that I wouldnt mind making a new friend and that I thought she was cute..... finally after adding a link to my picture and pressing send.. my pc broke again DOH!!

I waited anxioulsy the next day for a reply and when one came she asked if I thought she was cute as in " puppy dog cute"... that made me giggle, I used my PDA to respond and made it very clear I thought she looked sexy... well from then on we have been talking everyday via phone and the net, she is very spiritual, has a good job that is worthwhile and fulfilling that she loves, she has an adorable daughter and a great sense of humour.

I am planning to go and see her in two weeks.... OK OK most would think I was mad but to be honest I have done far riskier things in my time and she seems nice. Besides....

1) I had decided I needed a break from the UK for a couple weeks now as the stress of dealing with the bitch and the hozzie appointments have been getting me down.

2) I can afford it and why wait?!

3) I will be moving to the states anyway in a few years so why not take the opportunity to go and see as much of the place as possible

So why Not!?! I say, I will only live once and I have a good feeling about it, besides I think she may just be worth it even if we end up being only friends and not clicking in that way. I have always had a weaknes for American women especially the butch ones.. Mmmmm.

OK a bit more about her?.. Well she is 36, a Gemini, lives with her daughter and also is a counsellor appointed by the court system to help people with addictions.... I know!! I just keep finding these women with connections to alcohol and drugs in some form or another - it has been pointed out that maybe more people take part in these things than I know.

She is also a Reverend!! I LOL I know I know!! CRAZY!! or what!!?! Well anyway...... she is also into parapsychology and deals with supernatural phenomena... I am so excited!!! I have been really interested in that stuff from a child and finally meeting someone else who has a healthy interest is really exciting for me. Not only that but her life is lived by utilising Bhuddist beliefs and she is very spiritual as well as a realist.

I have sent her a Tesco internet phone so we can keep intouch for free and chat whenever we want.. its FREEEEEEE and we all know that Freeness is Goodness. She should get it soon.

I am not thinking she is Hysband material but you know what?... If she is then she is.

OK enough about that for a while.

I have also been thinking maybe I need to change my skills, talking to 'Stud' last night I was thinking maybe I should go into youth counselling... I know I would be a great counsellor and I love working with and helping to inspire young people. You may remember me talking about meeting this woman in the steam room a few weeks back and being sure she was a Lesbian... well how WRONG was I?? Very infact, I saw her this weekend and we had a chat as I was waiting for my Total body work out class to begin... Yes I went back for more punishment.....it turns out she is also trying for a baby with her BOYFRIEND and she is older than me.

She asked me what I did for a living and I told her, she asked if I would be interested in mentoring young people and giving talks on various topics?... I was shocked but agreed and also said that I had been thinking about doing youth work and opening up a centre in the past.

She said whe would email me this week with more info and obviously it would be unpaid.

Suits me.

I finsh at my current post on Friday, ... so that leaves me free to decide and go away on holiday for two weeks. I am already wondering what quals would give me the upper hand when I do finally go to the States.

Oh I just wanted to share something with you that 'Daddi' sent me to help me try to get through all the things I am going through right now and in particular I think the whole Fertility thing..

It is called 'Dying professors last lecture'




The last quote almost made me cry, this is one of the things I like about her, I get things like this that help me through what I am going through in life. Only my best friend and selective others think about me and my needs in this way and for that I will forever love them.

OK what else do I have to share ......My juicer is still going strong and I am losing weight.. I can feel it and also I am getting a lot fitter especially as I can now walk up 60 steps without being out of breath and without stopping whilst the others take the adjoining escalators at my local tube station. I will progress to running up them by this time 2010.

I recently heard that the Bitch is back on the drugs and drinking, I think I did the best thing to get away from her for good, she is far too destructive, maybe she is hurting but FUCKING GET COUNSELLING AND STICK WITH IT YA DOOFUSS!!! Anyway.... Anytime I feel an ounce of pity for her I think of all the shit I put up with. Daddi said something very interesting the other day.....

.." The closest us "Normal" people come to insanity is being in love"

I totally agree.....Thank you Daddi....xx

Too Skinny for Skinny Jeans

Hey
Well I cant stay long tonight I am shattered, I have had less than 16 hours sleep in 3 days.. Knackered. Not because of sex, just a lot going on and not eating properly, In fact I am even too skinny for my skinny jeans that I bought a month ago, if that.

My diet has been going well and I find if I dont get to eat dinner I make some juice with at least 5 different fruit and veg and I am good to go to bed. Speaking of which I am really in need to go to bed and get my groove on with my new 32 inches... ooh I didnt think I could take more than 3 LOL

Anyway I will fill you in later on speaking to a Butch Daddi online and thinking about going to Florida for two weeks the week after next....

Adults Only

Image courtesy of Jill Posener @ jillposener.com Her book 'Nothing But The Girl' is pretty cool.

OK, due to the fact I have been up since about 6am reading this persons blog and stories (click on the post title) I have now only got one thing on my mind and contrary to my last post guess what that is......SEX.

Now, not just any kind of sex,Oh No! for it has to be the 'hardest kind to find sex'.......Kinky-butch/femme sex. The submisisons are so erotic I am beside myself with desire and there is nothing I can do about it, no one to turn to for relief.

Now just before I go any further, since gaining readers I have been thinking alot about how I may be judged i.e my Kinks and my quest for mother hood, and I think just for the record I want to say:

Having Kinks does not make a person a bad candidate for parenting, a non consensual pervert and nor does it make you lose all sense of principles and morals.

Just in case some of you were thinking along those lines.

Back to the topic at hand. Thank you to Sugarbutch ( not yet figured out how to include a short url in my posts...can anyone help?) for her blog and allowing it to be open to the public.


It reminded of possibly the best ever (bottom) sex I have ever had and I am (almost)desperately trying to find that connection again, unfortunately it only lasted a couple weeks ( one of the non starters I spoke about in my last post - not sure how to link to that either...help!).

I will call her .....Blue69.

We met on a lesbian dating website and she didnt have a picture, but for some reason I was curious about her, after reading her profile I sent her a message of some kind....my memory fails me on details before our first date... so I shall proceed from there.

We aranged to meet up and I was invited to lunch at a rather swanky resturant/bar/amazing view of the city type location. As well as being eager I was running about 30 mins late in my short denim skirt long boots and a black, sexy yet classy top, that from the right angle - namely from above - you could see my oh so ample cleavage.

I arrived eventually after making a courtesy call saying I was going to be late and offering my apologies, upon arriving I immediately made my way to the ladies to look fresh and sexy, not frazzled and sweaty. Completing the job making sure I had not over done the make-up I didnt want to keep her much longer so out I stepped.

She was sitting by the bar at the back. WOW... She had short dark hair, the most beautiful eyes and a smile that just said she was nervous yet pleased. I was impressed. I was also nervous. She was wearing a black shirt and jeans. We matched.

After greeting me with a kiss on the cheek she ordered me a drink and we sat for awhile, talking about what? I dont remember so....I fast forward.>>>>>

We have a table booked and as we wait for them to open up the restaurant we go outside and take a look at the view, I brought my new digital camera and was eager to get it out and take a few snaps. I took one and as she stepped closer behind me to see the Image I wanted to immortalise form over my shoulder, I got a whiff of her fragrance....my knees almost buckled, how I didn't notice it before I don't know I think it was the nerves, from that point on the sexual charge was intensifying.


We finished our meal and a bottle of champagne then decided to go further into town. we ended up at a movie, we watched 'Transamerica' I remember because I kept the ticket stub, that was the only thing I remember...OH and the fact that Blue69 looked slightly awkward siting next to me, sometimes I would catch a glimpse of her and it was as though her eyes were looking at the movie but she was not watching, in hindsight I think her mind was racing else where.

Then we went into a bar, I waltzed upstairs hoping to find a spot more quiet, less crowded but I was told by the staff it was closed until later that evening, I was disappointed, why? at that time I was not sure.

Downstairs we found a round table and settled on high bar stools and drank, I had a fruit juice, she had beer. She rested her left foot on the foot rest below my stool, parting my legs - I should have known what was coming - she ordered me in a stern whisper to part my legs wider and come closer, I was shy and refused, she didn't like that, and little did I know I would later pay for my refusal that night.

As we drank and talked about nothing I remember, we decided we wanted to go somewhere more comfortable, so I asked her to wait as I went upstairs to the toilet (mainly to check my make-up).

Granted I was up there for a little while and as I stepped out of the cubicle she was standing before me and pushed me back in, to my surprise she pushed me against the cubicle wall and I asked her what she was doing, she said she thought this was what I wanted as she pulled aside my knickers and finger fucked me, I was not quite wet enough but she didn't care and neither did. I had to grab her around the shoulders to steady myself as she made me come.

I was so flustered and dazed.

We left the bar and moved onto another in the heart of SOHO. As we drank we were definitely deliberately teasing each other from across the table with our eyes, our words and eventually we had to go back to mine. The sex that followed was amazing, she dominated me so expertly I didn't have a choice, my submission was hers for the taking and I wanted her to feel 'all powerful' over me and revel in it. That she did. And she made me pay. I deserved it.

She was able to read my body like no one has ever done before and that is something I crave, the intensity between us was raw and that is something I constantly crave. I didn't sleep more than 5 hours that entire weekend, every time I tried, as I turned my back to doze off she would gently grab my waist from behind and press herself against me.


That sends me wild and once discovered, she knew and used it well. I think the fact she was a Police woman and in charge of a team of people also turned me on. She knew how to be in control and she knew how to push me to the limit enough to keep me wanting more, even when I thought I knew I couldn't take any more.

I loved the way she would tell me her darkest fantasies whilst fucking me, I wanted to be the helpless characters in them for her, I wanted to help her live them consensually. I came even more alive through her story telling, stories I wont ever repeat but no doubt her new wife now knows all about.

I can not even begin to describe how she made me feel, it was not about having an orgasm for me, sex never is. For me it's the journey, the teasing, the roles, the "dance", the head fuck. The sensations that overwhelm me when I know the Butch top is gaining more strength through power and getting aroused by being in control of my mind and body, you see in life I am in control and in charge, well as much as one can be, but in the bedroom I like that control taken away-but only by one who knows what they are doing -so that I can trust and reveal myself.

It ended far too quickly, I didn't get the chance to really explore my sub side, this was over a year ago now. Why did it end so quickly? I wanted kids and she didn't, she also didn't want to just fuck and see how things go. So to save getting deeper we called the whole thing off. You cant force someone to want kids when they don't and you cant force someone to not have them.

Am I sad? yeah a little but only because it took me nearly 10 years to open up and find what my kink was and then to find someone who just got it. To find that again will be hard I think.

I haven't got a clue where to start looking, finding her was not planned, if only she eventually wanted kids as well as a relationship wih me, they choice was there, I knew she wanted me back then. I only hope she is happy now and can only wish her the best.

Sick

My mood has changed, I think it started when my phone rang and it was SB. I didn't answer it.

Since, I have sat crying in the bath water, wishing my life was less difficult, it just feels like a struggle, I ache for a child and I have to go through so much for it and it isn't even here yet, and may never be. I am sick of loving someone who can say such hurtful things to me, I'm sick of not having a good fuck by a butch Top whenever I need it.

I am sick of rarely -like once every two years rarely - being sexually satisfied as a Bottom. I'm sick of being strong for everyone else, I'm sick of living alone but when I don't it never lasts, I'm sick of crying, sleeping in an empty bed every night, sick of London, sick of not feeling at all special, sick, sick sick of it all!

And most of all sick of feeling pre-menstrual.

This is how I get when I am 'Due On'...I cry a lot, I feel sorry for myself and I comfort eat.....not usually junk as I cant keep that stuff in my house but like today, I finished all the soup I made last night in the new slow cooker, gradually going back in the pot throughout the day....Need I say I am now farting like a trooper in between sobs and worrying what the heck I will do tomorrow when I cant fart freely in the office, as surely someone will ask me what died behind the radiator over the weekend?!

I need a strong, 6ft + tall, stone butch Top with a sturdy strap-on to take all my frustrations, fears and anxieties away and who will expertly assume total control/dominance over me for as long as I need it.

I hate feeling this low, I just cry and feel guilty for crying because things could be a lot worse, almost as though I don't feel like I have the right to cry. That only makes me feel worse.

Two posts in one day is that normal?!

God I need a cuddle right now.