Don't Cry....

Hey.....

Not sure what to say about this feeling I have inside but I seem to be opening up to Daddi more and more, sometimes I even surprise myself with tears and overflowing emotions that I have stored inside for so long. The abusive relationships physical and emotionally, the fear of not being on track and the feeling of being lost that I just cant see to get rid off.

I never want people to see that side of me its too painfully vulnerable. Fear of what they might think if they saw the cracks, the depressed 14 year old resurfacing. I have to be strong, not just for me but I have people who rely on me to be strong and be a rock for them. I cant be weak.

I feel SO SO lost right now, everytime I think I am on track with my life be it a job prospect, motherhood trying to find my lifes purpose, something happens to dispel that and I am yet again back to square one, non the wiser about my direction just more confused than I was before.

I feel like I am playing a game and making all the wrong moves, only to exasperate my situation even more... everytime I think I have made the right move something happens and just shouts that I am not....Only life isnt a game, at least not for me.

It feels like I am in the Headmasters office and he is waiting for the correct answer whilst giving me clues but everytime I think a clue has given it away and I reply ..................THWACK!!!.... i'm wrong and I have to try again....doing this for days on end, each clue seemingly easier than the last...... but my answers are still wrong.

I almost feel like I cant even trust my intuition anymore, what do I know???.............. Nothing.

I envy those that have a purpose to their lives, be it children that make them wake up in the morning, work that they enjoy that fulfils them and makes them satisfied or even a Monk who understands the order of life and sits happily contemplating. I long for that......I long for a feeling of peace and knowing and fulfilment. Sick of this empty life I lead.

I have nothing to wake up for in the morning, work?....work is just that. I do it to exist. sometimes I dont even feel like I am living, that's why sometimes I get more piercings, to FEEL something other than despair and pain and it's almost as though the pain, the healing pain grounds me to the here and now and confirms that I am alive.

I'm worn out....I feel truly worn out right now.

Here is the song that Daddi sent me last night, hy also included the words of the song in the email ....That made me cry too LOL....the things Hy says scares me but in a way I am almost welcoming someone who can do for me and be strong for me, I darent think too far ahead to what will happen if we want to be together.

I cant think that far ahead...its too much....I'm not ready to leave my home and my mum, leave my perfect co-parent and my chance for a baby here in the UK, I dont even think I am ready for a relationship, but to be honest I do need someone who has the wisdom Hy has and the life experiences that match mine with a similar outlook, I need someone who will be able to hold my hand when I am lost and whom I can trust to take care of me when I dont feel strong enough to take care of myself...

Anyway here is the video. The song is not my type but I listen to the words.

Hy sent this because I was doing a lot of crying on the phone last night.

"Don't Cry"

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Those tears are for someone else.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I hear you feel so alone.
My baby.
Ohh my baby.
Please my baby,
My baby,
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.
My baby.
Today I dreamed,
Of friends I had before.
And I wonder why.
The ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt.
But you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry.
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry oh...
Limousines and sycophants,
Don't leave me now,
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.
Is now the wolf.
In my bed,
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
The challenges, we took were hard enough.
They get harder now.
Even when we think that we've had enough.
Don't feel alone,
Cause it's I you understand.
I'm your sedative,
Take a piece of me whenever you can.
Don't cry.... you're not alone.
...don't be so hard on yourself...
Don't cry.... tonight my baby
...Those tears are for.....someone else...
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved
...I hear your voice on the phone...
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby
...I hear you feel... so alone.
Cause you still be loved
Don't cry
Don't cry tonight

Don't cry tonight
You'll still be loved..

THANK YOU DADDI xx

7 Days To GO..........

I really need to do something about my Pillows... I have been waking up with a crick neck for the past week now OWW!!

Well It is now 7 days till I meet her....


More about my feelings on that later, but Friday I had my PDA (mobile) stolen.

It was really bizarre I called DH to see if she wanted to meet up if she was in town and was hoping I would meet her after all this time but then I looked for my mobile on my way home on the bus and realised someone had pinched it as I got off. I duly reported it to my service provider and also the Police and got myself a crime reference number and also reported it to my insurance company.



The mad thing is I even called the Bus garage this morning in the hope that someone would hand it in....No joy.

To be honest the person who has it is buggered anyway as they cant get into the phone as it is locked with a password, the back street people who unlock phones wont be able to as I secured that only a few weeks prior to having it nabbed. And there is no way they can even use a different service provider SIM with the phone, so in short they are stuck with a phone they cant use anyway...... HA HAAAAA!!!



Not too upset now about it, at the time I was and went online to Daddi to get some consoling and well.. Hy didn't really know what to say and I kind of got arsey as I was all ready annoyed at Hym for not giving me the Full ADDRESS for the Tesco Internet phone I posted which resulted in the postman being unable to deliver it and it now being it's way back to the UK... The fucking postage cost more than the phone....... Well at least I didn't pay for it. BUT That is not the point. it is not even worth sending it again and I wont get it before I go so may have to take one with me and return the one I get back to Tesco when I get home.



So yes she felt my wrath LOL. Well all is OK now.



I am really looking forward to the break to be honest and hopefully I will have some fun too ;).



Hmm what else...?..... AH YES!! I am also selling an original signed poster from the Spice Girls I got when they were just starting out, it was one of the first promotional materials that Virgin their then record label put out and I have one, so it is now selling on Ebay... Hoping to get something for it.



I have been doing nothing but chillin' this past weekend and having great orgasms LOL with the aid of Daddi and the imagination of Yours Truly :D

I have now also resumed downloading movies from the net, I managed to fit 6 movies on one DVD and have been watching them on my new 32" screen in my bedroom... woohoo!!!!



Trying to think what else has been happening.....to be honest that is it really. I am feeling good in all but missing certain friends that I have failed to stay in touch with.... not feeling good about that but is partly because life has been so up and down. I do think I should get in touch. One in particular, I feel really guilty as I didn't make her birthday night drinks even though I said I would then at the last minute I fell asleep :o(. She is on facebook... I wonder if she is annoyed at me? I did apologies at the time though.

I am so excited about Monday, I assume it will go something like this for the next week....

Pack suitcase

get more items of summer clothing

re pack suitcase

sort out what shoes to carry

Double check I have packed everything I would possibly need

Unpack suitcase

re asses what shoes to carry

re pack suitcase

Go and get Manicure and Pedicure

Get hair done

Re-check documents

re-check clothes....in other words double check suitcase... LOL!

Try to get some sleep during the afternoon early evening so that I am not too tired in the morning as I know the excitement the night before will prevent me from sleeping altogether the later into the night I try to sleep so I am better off getting sleep early evening till about 10-11pm and If I am lucky will wake up refreshed at 2am watch some TV and get a bath for the long journey..... check my suitcase and that I have tickets and Passport and insurance documents in my matching PINK hand luggage :).

I am so excited I have not been back to the USA for almost 10 years.... I am hoping to go again in January for my 30th... we will see.

Here is a video that has been making me laugh lately... I LOVE Phil Collins and the Genesis stuff so this was hilarious for me to watch.... I have heard some people saying they just dont get the advert well I ahve just called the makers at Cadbury and they ahve said the following

The advert is meant to emulate the
feeling you get when eating a cadbury's chocolate bar

ROFL PMSL!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!

FLORIDA HERE I CUM...

OOPs I mean COME. ;o)

I am so chuffed, I have just booked my ticket to go to Florida and also got a good deal on an annual travel insurance policy. I tell you, I love MoneySavingExpert.com, it has shown me the light on so many things and how to save money. It truly is a ONE STOP SHOP for those that are frugal and/or need to save every penny or simply love a bargain.... like Moi.

Printed off 3 copies of my E Ticket... I get really anal about travelling when I do travel, everything has to be just so. I have printed 3 because one is for my suitcase, one for my mum - just in case something happens to me and she needs the details- and one to stay at home in case both get lost. Needless to say I have done the same with my travel insurance policy for the same reasons.

I am also taking my matching pink Cases and my matching Pink passport holder... pictures will no doubt be added closer to the time..... OH MY I wonder what the fashion is there in Florida?? I don't want to go out there thinking I am the epitome of trend and look like an edjit.

Well I will keep you posted, I actually have to do some work... BASSSTards!!.. What do they think? they pay me to work?.....NO LOVE they pay me to simply BE here.... dammit!!

I wish..

Here is my SONG of the day... This is how I feel about meeting a new love, be it now or in the future, she will have to dig a little deeper than most........