Don't Cry....

Hey.....

Not sure what to say about this feeling I have inside but I seem to be opening up to Daddi more and more, sometimes I even surprise myself with tears and overflowing emotions that I have stored inside for so long. The abusive relationships physical and emotionally, the fear of not being on track and the feeling of being lost that I just cant see to get rid off.

I never want people to see that side of me its too painfully vulnerable. Fear of what they might think if they saw the cracks, the depressed 14 year old resurfacing. I have to be strong, not just for me but I have people who rely on me to be strong and be a rock for them. I cant be weak.

I feel SO SO lost right now, everytime I think I am on track with my life be it a job prospect, motherhood trying to find my lifes purpose, something happens to dispel that and I am yet again back to square one, non the wiser about my direction just more confused than I was before.

I feel like I am playing a game and making all the wrong moves, only to exasperate my situation even more... everytime I think I have made the right move something happens and just shouts that I am not....Only life isnt a game, at least not for me.

It feels like I am in the Headmasters office and he is waiting for the correct answer whilst giving me clues but everytime I think a clue has given it away and I reply ..................THWACK!!!.... i'm wrong and I have to try again....doing this for days on end, each clue seemingly easier than the last...... but my answers are still wrong.

I almost feel like I cant even trust my intuition anymore, what do I know???.............. Nothing.

I envy those that have a purpose to their lives, be it children that make them wake up in the morning, work that they enjoy that fulfils them and makes them satisfied or even a Monk who understands the order of life and sits happily contemplating. I long for that......I long for a feeling of peace and knowing and fulfilment. Sick of this empty life I lead.

I have nothing to wake up for in the morning, work?....work is just that. I do it to exist. sometimes I dont even feel like I am living, that's why sometimes I get more piercings, to FEEL something other than despair and pain and it's almost as though the pain, the healing pain grounds me to the here and now and confirms that I am alive.

I'm worn out....I feel truly worn out right now.

Here is the song that Daddi sent me last night, hy also included the words of the song in the email ....That made me cry too LOL....the things Hy says scares me but in a way I am almost welcoming someone who can do for me and be strong for me, I darent think too far ahead to what will happen if we want to be together.

I cant think that far ahead...its too much....I'm not ready to leave my home and my mum, leave my perfect co-parent and my chance for a baby here in the UK, I dont even think I am ready for a relationship, but to be honest I do need someone who has the wisdom Hy has and the life experiences that match mine with a similar outlook, I need someone who will be able to hold my hand when I am lost and whom I can trust to take care of me when I dont feel strong enough to take care of myself...

Anyway here is the video. The song is not my type but I listen to the words.

Hy sent this because I was doing a lot of crying on the phone last night.

"Don't Cry"

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Those tears are for someone else.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I hear you feel so alone.
My baby.
Ohh my baby.
Please my baby,
My baby,
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.
My baby.
Today I dreamed,
Of friends I had before.
And I wonder why.
The ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt.
But you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry.
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry oh...
Limousines and sycophants,
Don't leave me now,
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.
Is now the wolf.
In my bed,
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
The challenges, we took were hard enough.
They get harder now.
Even when we think that we've had enough.
Don't feel alone,
Cause it's I you understand.
I'm your sedative,
Take a piece of me whenever you can.
Don't cry.... you're not alone.
...don't be so hard on yourself...
Don't cry.... tonight my baby
...Those tears are for.....someone else...
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved
...I hear your voice on the phone...
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby
...I hear you feel... so alone.
Cause you still be loved
Don't cry
Don't cry tonight

Don't cry tonight
You'll still be loved..

THANK YOU DADDI xx