How do you start to live again if/when the meds really kick in?
How do you build new dreams and goals that mean something more than you when you cant see past anything else but the darkness of pessimism and criticism?
How do you start to re-prepare and re-insulate yourself for life and its set backs when you decide to get back in "The Game"?
What if it's a game you dont care to win anymore and unlike the games in the school yard you cant just quit whilst your ahead? Or can you?
What if you just dont want to play anymore?
Depression is like a mother if she says you cant go out to play, you cant go out to play.....And you wonder if your friends truly understand when you are just too scared to climb out the back window because you live in a high rise building....on the top floor.
How do you justify your existence?
What if you cant find your "centre" and perpetually spin into nothingness for the rest of your existence?
How do you rid yourself of the guilt you feel deep inside because you have 2 arms 2 legs a brain that works and yet do nothing with what you have?
How do you reclaim the fire that once raged inside you before your spirit was covered in that damn Fire blanket mounted on every fucking wall of hope that ever meant anything?
How do you know you are worth it in a society/subculture that says if you dont posses or DO certain things you're not....?
How do you stop the ache in your heart when the thing that should be the most natural is the hardest thing to achieve?
How do you erase the guilt that makes you feel worse everyday because you are "wallowing" in self pity too crippled to climb out of the quicksand of depression to do anything else?
How do you stop feeling sick to the stomach with disappointment with self, regret, loss and shame for feeling all of the above?
How long will this last before all the people that care just give up on you for fear of going down with you?
How do you fight the fear of your only comfort zone and security eventually becoming depression?
2 comments:
I think the fact that you are even asking yourself some of these questions is a good sign. Hopefully you will find some of the answers and they will become clearer to you really soon. You will find a way to do all those things.
well girl im so loving this entry
so real, raw & passionate you are very good also with your words
so what happend?
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