Highs and lows

It's been months I know, I thought I should keep my blog though just in case I felt the need to vent....the time has come again.

My life has been amazingly high and occassionally low. The relationship is as strong as ever and I am still madly in-love with her as I was last year. We live together now! It's nice, no arguing no fights the odd disagreement but mostly laughing and sillyness to keep eachother happy.

That laughter got me through the second surgery my recovery was so quick, I am sure it was because of Special K. Sometimes I think we are too playful, I say she is too silly but that sillyness keeps me sane and kept me sane during the really tough parts of last year.

I was travelling back and forth to Manchester every other weekend and feeling as though I couldnt continue a long distance relationship but we never ended it, no matter how much I wanted the pain to end of being so far and the journeys taking their toll on my health I couldnt let go.

Now a year on from meeting online that fateful day I am living with the love of my life and.......and.....the rest..

Surgery scars that make me cry for the child I have yet to bear and for this I must endure so much physical pain and heartbreak before it is even here. Will it ever happen? Maybe? Maybe not! I have been told I cant have one without assistance from the hospital so...Homerton here I come.

I hate being this age and childless, I hate hearing that oneday it will happen, I hate hearing if it doesnt there are other options...

A tip: if a woman is struggling to conceive and she is venting dont tell her there are other options like adoption or fostering or surogacy.......DONT TELL HER THAT! SHE DOESNT WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT!!!!! I see a pattern though...women who dont have the desire to have kids themselves physically say that shit to other women.. Men who say it can almost be forgiven.

It's my birthday soon...next week actually.... 31, I am getting older than I wanted to be having my first child and it hurts and makes me sad, so sad i just want to rage at God or whatever is out there that has forced me to jump through hoops to do this, as if I wont have a hard enough job being a parent if it ever happens! And now after the surgery it still may never happen ....no guarantee it will. What did I do? What choice did I make that made me deserve this fight?

Anyway aside from that, I am also volunteering for a terminally ill woman, she is brave and since meeting her she has helped me see how lucky I am but even she said it's different, you have your off days and her pain is no greater than mine she says, somehow I can beg to differ, if I was her I would be mad as hell. I am glad she is in my life, I can see when I make her happy and that is nice. I cant say too much about her as she is quite a noticeable character annd my blog wouldnt be private if I gave more clues away about what I am doing now but I love it.

My Nan died in November, saw her for the first time in years and she was nothing like I remembered, Cancer made her really ill. I cried and cried and cried it was so hard I had never seen someone so ill in my life and never seen someone I love slowly dying before, well now I have someone else in my life whom I love and who is terminally ill, I hope she lives for a long time though. She is only 29.

To be honest I cam on here tonight to winge about poor me, poor poor me so sad tonight because I am not yet a mother, Life is'nt fair, I dont know if I even believe in GOD anymore. I dont think there is one. I dont think good things happen to good people, I dont think bad things happen to bad people, I used to think that if you lived your life good you will live well and get what you deserve.....Am I getting mine??? Maybe somewhere down the line Iwas such a bitch I deserve to not be able to have kids... maybe my Ex was right?!


I'm getting older and I never wanted to be a first time mum past the age of 26 let alone 30.... I personally think it selfish for kids to get old parents, I think it's unfair to have kids too old, I worry enough at 30 about my mum who is 50, about her being safe at night and being able to get around and do things in 10-20 years time....I dont want my kids worrying about that stuff when they are 15-20yrs old!!! Some ...infact I am sure many would disagree but I think it is selfish I saw my friends lives made so miserable because their parents looked like they were the same age of many of our grandparents.....I was the only person they really confided in, I vowed never to put my kids though that especially as a first and possibly only child.

I work all the hours god send on this thing just to help someone other than myself and to try to make a difference, I even came up with a great design to help visually impaired people... the RNIB are in talks with me about it right now and the design concept.

I am raising money for cancer care and research and I am trying to help make a difference....just so that I dont think about what A WASTE my life could have been in a couple years when I am still childless.

I have tried to find support groups as my lovely g/f doesnt understand but I cant seem to find any other lesbians who have had all my issues, PCOS, endometriosis AND Fibroids And a Lesbian. the Lesbain bit is a big factor as I need to be able to identify, Yes I am sure there are straight women out there that could give just as much support.....but it wouldnt be the same at all...it just wouldnt be.

If anyone knows a lesbian with all these issues please do get in-touch I am so lonely with this problem I need someone to talk to who truly gets it and has been where I am or is where I am so we can give mutual support.

Speaking of which I completed my first course in counselling training last year.

I am cat sitting and getting frustrated finding them onthe bed as i invariably wake up with cat fur in my mouth and I hate it.

I am on weight watchers to lose 2 stone before May, with special K - the person not the cereal - I think I can do it this time

Tonight I cant think of anything else I want to say but that I am crying again, Special K is in bed, she knows I am upset and she knows her limits on being able to offer support when it comes to the whole age baby thing, I prefer she just kiss me goodnight and tell me she loves me then to patronise me with talk about other alternatives and the such......

She asked me what I wanted for my birthday yesterday Morning... I said in all seriousness... " A baby please"... If only it were that simple..... I am getting a pair of headphones instead.

If someone gave me one wish it would be that right now...Just to be pregnant will do me thank you.