Bridget Gray..." My letter to Hip- Hop"

Powerful and meaningful, If you like Hip hop this letter is a must. We need the negativity to stop.





Thanks Bridget

Unfathomable.....

OK a little time to try and support and blog about something other than my depressing depression

I actually helped flyer and campaign about this company a few years back and I forgot until I watched the documentary on MORE4 last night that reminded me of the plight and also that I am not entirely self centred. http://www.channel4.com/news/articles/dispatches/mark+thomas+on+cocacola/1068847

Here is the company's response to the documentary....

http://www.gettherealfacts.co.uk/

I hate the drink. I believe for many reasons it is bad for our health and it is aiding in hurting our children as well as other soft fizzy drinks and sodas as they are also known. It is said that they, much like the other large conglomerate NESTLE' are preventing fresh water from being pumped into certain areas so that the only option is to buy and consume their many products...Allegedly!

The Many Uses of Coca-Cola

1. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

2. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

3. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminal to bubble away the corrosion.

4. To loosen a rusty bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

5. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

6. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.

7. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF:

FYI- The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pa is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years.

Drink up.

courtesy of tcwilliams and the wonderful worldwide web

There are so many more just Google..... for more interesting info on Coca Cola see http://www.inminds.co.uk/boycott-coca-cola.html and make up your own mind.

Image courtesy of http://killercoke.org/

Random questions/musings

How do you start to live again if/when the meds really kick in?

How do you build new dreams and goals that mean something more than you when you cant see past anything else but the darkness of pessimism and criticism?

How do you start to re-prepare and re-insulate yourself for life and its set backs when you decide to get back in "The Game"?

What if it's a game you dont care to win anymore and unlike the games in the school yard you cant just quit whilst your ahead? Or can you?

What if you just dont want to play anymore?

Depression is like a mother if she says you cant go out to play, you cant go out to play.....And you wonder if your friends truly understand when you are just too scared to climb out the back window because you live in a high rise building....on the top floor.

How do you justify your existence?

What if you cant find your "centre" and perpetually spin into nothingness for the rest of your existence?

How do you rid yourself of the guilt you feel deep inside because you have 2 arms 2 legs a brain that works and yet do nothing with what you have?

How do you reclaim the fire that once raged inside you before your spirit was covered in that damn Fire blanket mounted on every fucking wall of hope that ever meant anything?

How do you know you are worth it in a society/subculture that says if you dont posses or DO certain things you're not....?

How do you stop the ache in your heart when the thing that should be the most natural is the hardest thing to achieve?

How do you erase the guilt that makes you feel worse everyday because you are "wallowing" in self pity too crippled to climb out of the quicksand of depression to do anything else?

How do you stop feeling sick to the stomach with disappointment with self, regret, loss and shame for feeling all of the above?

How long will this last before all the people that care just give up on you for fear of going down with you?

How do you fight the fear of your only comfort zone and security eventually becoming depression?

Pain... Public vs Private

I would like to thank all who read my blog and I value your support unfortunately I am at a stage now where I feel the need to restrict my entries to selected readers and comment posters until further notice for obvious reasons. Please email me at my personal email address to get the password for my posts and further updates. You will need to allow POP UP for the password box and possibly check your security setting to enable java script.

Thank you.

Numb...

The only thing I feel is ice
Cold and numb and as if nothing on this earth is more harsh than the pain I feel inside,
my days are as dark as my nights and my nights are as lonely as death itself.

The tablets make me jittery and the anxiety only seems to get worse as the days go by, the mirrors in the house have all been taken down or covered the the food that is delivered by loved ones is instantly frozen and hated, despised.

Staying in bed all day is my own slow demise.

I am too coward to "call it a day" and "pull the plug", I drip with guilt, too guilty to say goodbye forever and yet too selfish to end my pain in a flash, do I want others to see how much I hurt?

I dont know all I know is the urge to punish myself is now far greater than my urge to travel to a light that I hope shines brighter than the one in my being, is warmer then the frost that shrouds my body like a cloak every day,

I punish myself and scheme ways to take the meds that carry the warning " to be taken with food". The need for food is to keep One alive but surely to gain some control, the ultimate control is to control the thing that is most necessary to life itself.

Yet another day as they roll into one and I am losing track of time, sleeping through hunger and the pain, physically and emotionally, the days go by faster that way.

"Death" can have many forms it is as varied as the meaning of the word itself, to die can be done in many ways and yet you can still exist among the shadows of the living.

Knocking on Heavens door....

I was rushed to A&E at 1am on Monday morning due to almost blacking out with the pain in my neck that has progressed to my skull , I started to have panic attacks and the , drugs were not working.
On one hand I wanted to die and thought now is my chance, to do it the "right way", instead I got scared, I knew the only person with a spare set of keys that would find me would be my mum or baby brother. That wouldn't be fair to them. When I die I don't want them to find me.

I have been prescribed Diazepam for the pain and Citalopram for the depression. The drugs are still not working for the pain the only thing that helped was the gas in the ambulance but that only took the edge off the pain. I called the Ambulance only because I was scared that without the control of death I could be dying of a haemorage or something equally horrific. Believe me on less than 14 hours sleep in 6 days due to the pain and anxiety you would probably panic too.

Anyway I promised Daddi I would call the emergency services as I was crying uncontrollably, even though two nights previous I called the emergency doctor and they wanted me to leave the house at 2am to go about 2 miles to get the prscription only pain killers when I said I couldn't go they suggested that if I "felt"" like going then I should give them a call and they would have them ready for me even after I said I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. Surely it's their fucking job was to come out (I didnt say the latter)

Today I have taken double the dose of Diazepam and 3 paracetamol together to stop the pain, it seems to have worked but the relief seems to only last about 2 hours at the very most. I dont have much left. getting the results from my X-ray tomorrow and going in for an MRI on Wednesday to check my brain and my spine and the pain is so bad. I wonder what they will find. At this point if I was told I had 6months to live I would probably have much more hope than I do now.

I have been thinking about my death a lot lately, I think I would want to die in my sleep after a few good byes and a few sorry's maybe, don't really have anyone to say sorry to in my life as I have never really un/intentionally hurt someone and not apologised and explained. except I would tell my loved ones I was sorry I was not able to continue.

I know one thing, if i do try to end it all it wont be a cry for help, it will truly be because I have had enough. I have no appetite lately, partly due to the fact the tablets make me feel less hungry and sleepy all the time and partly due to the fact I cant look in the mirror I feel so fat and ugly I refuse to eat anything other than juice, crackers, milk and popcorn the milk and crackers are only because I dont want the tablets to make me sick on top of how I am already feeling.

The tablets also make me confused and have liitle memory loss, like what I was just watching on tv or the plot of a movie i had been watching, the injection I got at the hospital made me hallucinate and have the worst nightmare, I dreamt that I was looking down from a window into a front yard entrance and I saw some guard dogs chained up as security, then I noticed this one guy holding the chain and at first he was being nice then all of a sudden he wrapped the chain around the dogs neck and started to choke it to kill it, I could hear the dog screaming and whining in pain and I was so distraught I woke up terrified and the noises were so real, i wont ever forget seeing that poor dog wriggling and screaming for its life. I later noticed one of the side effects of really strong Diazepam is nightmares. I was too scared to go back to sleep even though I was really wobbly and drowsy.

I realised that since the age of 13 I have had depression I guess emotional abuse from all sides will do that to a kid after years and years of not fighting back (never from my mother or brother). Or maybe its hereditary, there seems to be statistics that back this up, I think my dad has it, looking back growing up as a child i remember people saying he would go missing for days on end and he would be in his flat not seeing or speaking to anyone. I ignored these things as an adult I didnt think it was significant, and maybe it is'nt, but one thing I know that IS significant, even though I have used the words "feeling depressed" in the past I never really used it and owned it. I just used it to identify the "phase" I was in and not as an Illness I have. Even Now i still cant get to grips with it, but the facts are there.

Looking back on all the feedback I have had from so called NHS "professionals" on Mental health and the reactions I would get from my doctors in the past they all made me feel as though it was all in my head, they negated my feelings and symptoms....

" Oh everyone gets down"
"You need a boyfriend"
" you may want to lose weight, being fat doesnt help"
" your just under a little stress"
" Pull it together/suck it up/Deal with it!"
"Everyone gets down sometimes....dont worry about it"
"Thats just part of life"

No, it's not.

I am realising now that I need to re-educate myself and get rid of my own insecurities and stigmas about suffering from this Illness and sufferers of it, I always thought "nah I am too analytical for it to affect someone like me, I am different". Acknowledging that it IS an illness and deal with it and not be ashamed or think it means I am not intelligent enough to get through it if I need to take tablets for the rest of my life to deal with this hell hole called life.

I'm crying right now for all the times asked/begged/ cried for help and no on listened to me sympathetically or understood me, I am crying for all the time I allowed my partners to say negative /degrading things to me when I couldnt shake the feeling of sadness for days and sometimes weeks - if only they knew the more they told me to "snap out of it" and the more they berated me for feeling so blue the longer it lasted. They didnt do it because they cared. They did it because they didnt believe it was REAL.

If it is not a physical ailment it doesnt exist and it is just you looking for attention, being over sensitive, being weak. That's why I shut myself away from others because so many dont get it. Hell, even I dont get it, so go figure.

It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between simply being down or feeling a little sad to being depressed. I finally acknowledge that I know I am depressed when I cant get out of bed or the house for days on end, when the only thing I feel I have left is my pride that makes me at least get up and and brush my teeth and have a bath everyday ( incase I get rushed to hospital/die I must have clean underwear or my nan will kill me if I survive Ha!).

I have to acknowledge that when I cant even bear to think about seeing anyone or talking to anyone that I am depressed.

When I think I am all alone and no one understands no matter how hard they try.... I'm depressed and when i feel I have nothing to look forward to in my life or the future and the feelings of worthlessness and hopelssness consume my every waking moment that I am depressed.

I have to acknowledge that when I can only think of death and my options or as my ONLY option.....I am depressed.

And if I think of these things every few months or so, for a few weeks at a time.....

I suffer from an illness called depression.

It hurts to admit, it hurts because I thought I was different....

"No Maybe I dont suffer from depression afterall, maybe it's just my way of recouping my energy shutting myself off from others"
"Maybe it's just my way of dealing with stress"
"look I am feeling better now and on top of the world maybe I cant suffer from depression"
"Maybe this, Maybe that......."

Facts to remind me.....copied from netdoctor.co.uk

Symptoms of depression Stress can lead to you to feeling 'down' and 'miserable'. What is different about a depressive illness is that these feelings last for weeks or months, rather than days. In addition to feeling low most or all of the time, many other symptoms can occur in depressive illness (though not everybody has every one).

• 
  Being unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable.
  
• Losing interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life.
  
• Feeling tired all of the time and having no energy.
  
• Difficulty sleeping or waking early in the morning (though some feel that they can't get out of bed and 'face the world').
  
• Having a poor appetite, no interest in food and losing weight (though some people overeat and put on weight - 'comfort eating').
  
• Losing interest in sex.
  
• Finding it difficult to concentrate and think straight.
  
• Feeling restless, tense and anxious.
  
• Being irritable.
  
• Losing self-confidence.
  
• Avoiding other people.
  
• Finding it harder than usual to make decisions.
  
• Feeling useless and inadequate - 'a waste of space'.
  
• Feeling guilty about who you are and what you have done.
  
• Feeling hopeless - that nothing will make things better.
  
• Thinking about suicide - this is very common. If you feel this way, talk to somebody about it. If you think somebody else might be thinking this way, ask them about it - IT WILL NOT MAKE THEM MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

I am suffering from all of the above... Go figure :(

I am not going to lie to myself or others around me I know the tablets wont make it go away, thats why I was reluctant to seek help again from anyone, the issues will still be there, the feeling of being a failure in life will still be there, the lost feeling....will still be there... the thoughts of simply dying I dont think will ever go away..... why? Because I dont know what else to do to sort myself out, to get to that "happy" place in my life where I see purpose and validation for my existence. and are at least content with where I am. I feared getting help in the first place this time because I was scared of the "what if's" and the feelings and thoughts that confirmed to me that no matter what I do the feelings will come back and I will be here again in a few months time, whining about the same thing.

I have been known to go almost two years without being this way... then the bitch came back and the fertility medical stuff started getting me down. I guess it's no wonder.

I do am a resourceful person and I think my issue is I dont think anyone can suggest anything to me that I have not already tried and unless I get an experts opinion and assesment and guidance I dont know who else I can trust to help me or who knows more than I do about trying to think of new ways to turn my life around and help inspire me. I hate it when people state the obvious in situations even though they are only trying to help.

But for those that love me and care and have been patient with me and stuck around, for all those people who texted me and told me to hang in there it will get better I am doing this for them, because they care about me right now more than I do about myself and I at least "owe" them that much for caring and to at least be able to say for all the love and support they are giving me....I did try, even If I fail.

To Vee a fellow blogger (one half of Vee and Jay), ...Thank you!

worse now

I spoke to my mum she came round to see me and she screamed at me for being self pitying and said i just have to deal with it and to stop feeling sorry for myself and moping around. I knew she wouldnt understand. she ended up storming out when i told her that if she didnt understand just say so instead of shouting at me, I told her i wont ever tell her how i am feeling ever again, i mean it too.

Maybe i dont make sense. maybe what I am getting upset about is all in my head. maybe i thought life was supposed to be this wonderful thing, if you did things a certain way and now i'm disappointed when it isnt. I dont care if 90% of people are unhappy and just deal with it. I'm not. The worst thing is no one else can help me to make sense of it. no one else can help. life is what you make it right... blah blah i used to think that too I now understand why people just disappear, just go missing. you see it on the tv families and friends not seeing them for years appealing for them to come "home". Maybe because they feel how I feel. I want to disappear but hiding in my home if much safer and warmer, sometimes i want to just jump on a train and not come back, maybe 50% of homeless people start out like me and end up like "them"

I wanted to scream at her "I dont want to fucking end up like you!!!" but i couldnt, i couldnt disrespect my mum like that. She doesnt get it i know that. its not her fault she probably has never questioned life the way i do. if she has i think tonight she forgot.

I feel worse now than ever, i feel so numb and tears are rolling down my face i dont want to eat to punish myself i dont want to leave the house. the one person i thought may be gentle with me and give me a hug she couldnt. I hate the fact she thinks of me as self pitying i hate it, i dont think i am, i cant even turn to the hospital for help and tell them how i am feeling they might send to the "mad house" for a week or two and then that will be on my permanent record, i hate it when people say what are you going to do when you have a baby and you feel this bad, it hurts so much when they say that, I understand their concerns but i feel they dont know me, my mum said it, i wouldnt feel this way but they dont know me obviousy as much as they think they do, sometimes i feel as though maybe in the past i have given up too easily on my dreams, i wish i was more competitive instead i wouldnt fight for first place i woud be happy with second maybe thats why i am where i am today, maybe thats the thing maybe i just didnt fight hard enough when i should have fear of failing fear of rejection.

I envy people that let the disappointments make them more determined, Survival of the fittest indeed. I wish i was that way, maybe i am just to weak to soft. Maybe what i thought as a child that I didn't belong here was true.

What's the point?

Stayed in bed all dat today, mainly because I feel really low again. Things seem to be spiralling out of control in my head and I am even worried about myself. Not going to feel guilt or apologise for myself with the "starving children in Africa" syndrome or the " there is a man with no feet whilst you are busy crying about not having shoes".

I feel like I have no real purpose in life, I feel like I am just drifting along aimlessly. No matter what I try it all falls flat. Starting to wonder, if there is no point to life why am I bothering to wake up anymore? I dont know how I got here in my life at this age.

By 30 I wanted so many things for myself, I saw greatness and purpose, I saw happiness and fulfilment. I believed with every fibre of my being that life is what you make it.
I have non of those things, I AM non of those things, granted I dont want for money I am ok and content with that, I learned to live within my means and now do just fine with nice things but that is all that they are THINGS.

I give to friends and family financially so I am not a selfish person, I give to the needy when I can and even sometimes when I cant, just because in that moment I know I have more than they do at that time and at least I have a roof over my head with my own front door key to come and go as I please, clothes on my back and food to eat. If I was ever hard up I know I could make more money and sell the nice things I own, but stripping that all down.........I feel as though I have nothing.

I was never materialistic even as a child, my parents lived in two differenet worlds so I had the experience of a rich and lavish lifestyle from my "part-time dad" even if I did go home to a more modest existence with my mum. I know what it's like to jet set around staying in 5 star hotels as a kid, so as an adult those htings mean little to me, I know what its like to mingle with the inheritantly wealthy, I know what its like to not have much to eat in stark contrast. My dad was a selfish bastard in many respects.

Confusing as a child yet as an adult I learned to make do with what I have until I have it, so it seems funny to me that even though all I ever wanted was to have successful career and use my success to get messages of love and compassion and charity across to others not even thinking about finacially being ok, money is what I have ( at least for now) yet purpose is lacking.

What is the point of having nice things and a nice home if those things dont make you happy. I feel that even though I have enough money to not worry too much I have no purpose in my life, I work (when I can/or want to these days) I shop, I stay home, I travel, I give back. Surely I should be happy right?

I'm not.

I go to sleep crying and questioning my existence. I wake up numb. I used to have hope and a positive outlook on life for the most part, I once belived everything happened for a reason, what if it doesnt? What if there is no rhyme or reason to existing and that thing called Karma is a bunch of horseshit. What if religion and spirituality is only something people invented because they had nothing else to explain their miserable and sad existence.

I was raised to be religious or shall we say have religious awareness, as my mum was not active in going to church ( my nan was) and I am sure sometimes with all the shit we suffered as a kid she wondered if there really was a god at some point between working 2 jobs and fighting to keep us in clothes and food and love as a family unit.

She did well granted, neither me nor my brother have turned to drugs or crime or hang with the wrong crowd, we both are really good loving people and considering we lived in one of the most deprived areas in london rife with drugs, guns and crime we both turned into really upstanding individuals, not hooked on crack, drink like fishes, or follow our peers (we are both into going our way even if its against the grain) or have any enemies in life.

Maybe in that respect If her faith never faltered, whatever it was she believed in it served her well, even when we lost the family home due to a huge council fuck up and they offered to take my brother into foster care because they wouldnt find anywhere for my mum to live she hung in there refusing to let that happen and praying things would get better. I later found her a place to live after she lived with me for a while. She showed amazing strength and positivity.

Maybe having kids to push you foward does that to you, maybe the knowledge that you are not just living for YOURSELF can do that to a person, I dont know. All I know is without that high flying career or job that was worth while, without children, or without at least a sense of why I am here, one of the three is all I ask for I dont see the point anymore. I am going to be 30 years old in two months far from where I wanted to be, so far from it I ache, I feel as though I have done everything in my power to make my life happen, I don tbelieve in having things handed to you on a plate, I do however think you have to work for things but dammit I am tired, tired of having doors shut in my face, tired of one minute thinking I know exactly what it is I am supposed to do then when I go for it it falls flat.

I had a clearer sense of where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there when I was 16, now 14 years later I am so confused and fucking frustrated with life I want to give up, I want to cash in my chips and go "home". I dont want to gamble anymore, walking through life without a fucking torch is no fun and whatever sick fuck thought it would be has no compassion.

I dont answer my phone these days, I tried to talk to my best mate about things but she just went on about believing in God and and staying strong and the devil attacking you... OMG! I tell you, as much as I love her and at times she is so much strength to me and I wont have her belief riddiculed by anyone but religion was the last thing I wanted to hear last night. Sick of hearing it will work out, sick of hearing all in good time and the testing of faith......Stud I love you, but last night for the first time in 7 years of talking to you almost everyday you made me feel worse after our little chat. She was trying to help I know.

I turned to Daddi for maybe some advice and comfort and reassurance of a spiritual nature. Didnt help either, instead I had questions that came across as challenges and made hym feel bad. I guess some of us believe what we believe and we cant prove it to anyone else they have to see it for themselves.... whetever "IT" is. Speaking of which, maybe the thing that these people belive in really is an "IT" of the Stephen King kind. They just dont know it yet.

I used to find comfort in the belief that something higher and more powerful than me existed and had a plan for me........Not anymore I dont think. I am in a black hole and I am upset and angry and lost. I wouldnt feel so bad if I just sat on my arse all day and didnt do anything but complain, if I never got proactive with my life and did nothing to change it but honestly I do. I try EVERYTHING I can think of, I put my heart and soul ( if there is such a thing) into what I do hoping for the best. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE!!!!

I dont know what is stopping me from taking my own life tonight, I dont even know if whatever it is will last very long, maybe I am so fucking low all I can do is sleep as a form of "death" itself to get me through to tomorrow. I know life changes but that is not enough for me right now as it leaves me with the questions When? What to?

So....I sit and I cry, I debate in my head the fragments of thoughts that consume what little energy I have left to take my mind off the pain in my neck and the black heaviness inside that threatens to consume me unless I sleep before before it takes hold and makes the decision for me.

I dont want to leave my mum, sometimes I can see her crumbling by my grave thinking of all the things she went through to give me life and then I throw it back in her face by deciding to give up. I see her face age 20 years wondering what she will do without her right hand and sometimes I cry, I cry with sorrow and guilt because I wouldnt ever want to do that to her as I knoe suicide is a selfish act, then I cry with anger and rage because I wish I didnt have her to think about so that I could end this misery I feel.

The worse thing is I dont think if this passes and I am still here tomorrow that this will be the last time I feel like dying and giving up, and I wonder, if I still dont find a purpose for living, how long will the love for her be enough to keep me alive.

R.I.P - If only.....

Damn I am so tired, these drugs are really making me sleep a lot.

I stayed in bed the entire weekend. Saturday I spent downloading songs and movies for my MP3 player that finally arrived.... I also downloaded complete Spanish and french audio language programmes for free and have been practising my Spanish, tried them both and just confused myself so doing one at a time.

After that, next stop is to brush up on my Greek, which is my language of choice but nowhere except Greece uses it and it is proving a little harder to find free Greek language programmes online to download to my MP3.

I watched the following films and here is my list and verdict;

1. Satan's Little Helper - in short a pile of wank, the little boy is the most annoying little shit, I almost wished Satan would do away with him first.



2. Drumline - liked it a lot actually, yet another black movie but this was easy to watch wasn't too cheesy and the actual drumline sequences are awesome to watch in the stadium.



3. I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - HILARIOUS a must see for all gay people too in my book. I hope they show it at the L&G film fest next year. It has some really funny moments and also has some really good serious messages. I have always liked Adam Sandler ( cant stand Jim Carey or Ben Stiller much) and to know he produced and helped direct this movie was warming to me. He is such a dick and I love him.

I have yet to watch so many others so... considering I am getting so many mixed messages about how contagious Shingles is I am going to stay home till the end of the week and watch them all, trying to stay off the snacks especially as I am seeing the dietician tomorrow to see if I really have lost any weight and what else I can do to speed it up as I currently cant exercise till I know for sure what is up with my neck ( and the shingles go away).

I was feeling really sorry for myself early this morning at about 1am and I had no one else to call but Daddi, I was scared if the truth be known. Lately I am finding that a lot of my emotions and responses are based in fear. I had a sharp pain in the left side of my head last night and it freaked me out it was so painful, I tried not to cry but my emotions got the better of me and being alone and not being able to stop the noises in my head is taking its toll on me.

The noise only slows down and quietens when I hold my breath which leads me to believe it has something to do with pressure being applied somewhere in my neck. The strange thing is the noise is getting louder, I thought maybe I was just more aware of it and was being a big baby but I'm not the noise IS getting louder and it is so distracting especially when watching TV and because it is resonating in my jaw and through my teeth, no matter how loud the volume on the TV I cant drown it out sometimes.

I feel like screaming "Enough already!!!!" but what good will that do? I know that there are people out there in far worse situations than me and not complaining or feeling sorry for themselves, but I wish that I could just get a break, the past 10 months have been hell. I have been racially abused in the street, abused by my ex, told I have large Fibroids, Poly cystic ovaries, endometriosis, possibly have Cervical spondylosis, shingles, is it any wonder I am a little fragile right now.

The frightening thing for me is that as you get older your health can only get worse. I started worrying about what will happen when I am 60-70 if my back will go, if my eyesight will go-the optician also says I am at a very high risk of having Glaucoma in my eyes so I have to get my eyes checked every 6-10 months-I just wonder what my life will be like... childless, ailing health and single LOL... Great!! I better start stocking up on cat food now.

I have said it a million times and I can only use these words to describe how I feel again, I am tired, so tired. Drained and I am finding it hard to even think positive these past few months. I don't see my friends anymore mostly because I feel like such a drag and also because I feel like the only thing I will have to talk about is how shitty I am feeling and how I currently hate my life situation. They say misery loves company.... Not mine.

I am even losing my faith in spiritualism, I know now is the time I should be displaying my tenacity and strength, but I cant, I'm really pissed and angry inside. How sad is that.

I cant stay still long enough to think about my next move to improve my life and situation without crying. One good thing is though that I am not smoking, been about 4 months now I think and not had one, so that's good. I don't even miss it, the smell makes me wanna puke and I don't miss how groggy and sick it used to make me feel after the final pull, also I am not comfort eating anymore, aside from Friday when I treated myself to sushi home delivery.

I have been getting fruits and juicing, eating balanced meals or very little and sometimes when I fancy something sweet I just have a bowl of weetabix with honey or dried fruit. So at least I am trying to do something to not wallow in the mire

I had my X-ray done today, it's going to take a week before i get the results... thanks Guys as if the pain is not bad enough, I have to wait to find out what it is, *sigh*.... well I guess I have had it for going on 6weeks now another week should not make a difference... except I fear it might seeing as it has been getting worse. Fuck it!!! believe me when I say I just want to crawl into a fucking corner and die sometimes. Thank (whatever it is ) that I have these tabs to make me sleep or who knows what the hell I'd do siting awake at night mind racing.

Daddi is worried I will get addicted to these pain killers, Not gonna happen. I am so inconsistent I could'nt have a habit if I tried.

Off to watch some TV, part of me wants to get out a lot of other issues, more meaningful topics off my chest on my blog but I am just too consumed with my own bullshit to be able to get into it right now. Maybe when my own life has leveled out then I can start getting off my chest the problems of the world and society today as I see it. Until that time, as self indulgent/pitying/complaining and navel gazing as my blogging appears to me to be, I will continue to vent how I feel about my life, me and the people in it.......Zzzzzzzzzz!

The Drugs dont work

OK just a quick update.

The pain in my neck was so bad I woke up in tears last night/early this morning. I called the doctor to see if I needed to go in or go straight to the hospital as I want an X-ray done, the receptionist said I should go to the hospital walk in centre - as by the time I woke up surgery was already closed for the morning- and get them to see me there.

I got dressed went all the way to the hospital and waited an hour in excruciating pain only to be told they would not, could not give me an X-ray without a form from my doctor I (threatened) said was going to go to A&E, didn't work, was told flatly that they wouldn't see me either. Pissed? yep.

I call the surgery and get to go in and get the form, the doctor asks why I feel the need to have the x-ray so soon and I tell him about last night and how the pain is getting worse.... Long story short, he thinks I have a condition called Cervical Spondylosis and is sending me for an MRI scan as well as an X-ray.

I now have extra strength pain killers 'Codeine Phosphate' and instructed to not handle machinery.... they are going to make me drowsy on top of the Diclofenac making me tired I may just be short of being comatose by next week.

Will keep you posted... if I can stay awake long enough.

Killer Products Courtesy of USA

You know in my last post I mentoned the Killer informercials you get in the USA....?

Well here they are I found two most obvious ones..... Thank you YouTube.

Veramyst: Dont forget to read the small print on the botom of the advert as you watch it too.




Infinity Razor: Free chefs Knife, If you buy the upgrade in 5 years time you will get a free AK47... How COOOOOL!! *eye roll optional*

They disabled the embedded code so here is the link..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGP19_M0RcY

Btw This product has been deemed crap by many reviewers online who say basically this thing couldnt cut through butter on hot day.