Knocking on Heavens door....

I was rushed to A&E at 1am on Monday morning due to almost blacking out with the pain in my neck that has progressed to my skull , I started to have panic attacks and the , drugs were not working.
On one hand I wanted to die and thought now is my chance, to do it the "right way", instead I got scared, I knew the only person with a spare set of keys that would find me would be my mum or baby brother. That wouldn't be fair to them. When I die I don't want them to find me.

I have been prescribed Diazepam for the pain and Citalopram for the depression. The drugs are still not working for the pain the only thing that helped was the gas in the ambulance but that only took the edge off the pain. I called the Ambulance only because I was scared that without the control of death I could be dying of a haemorage or something equally horrific. Believe me on less than 14 hours sleep in 6 days due to the pain and anxiety you would probably panic too.

Anyway I promised Daddi I would call the emergency services as I was crying uncontrollably, even though two nights previous I called the emergency doctor and they wanted me to leave the house at 2am to go about 2 miles to get the prscription only pain killers when I said I couldn't go they suggested that if I "felt"" like going then I should give them a call and they would have them ready for me even after I said I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. Surely it's their fucking job was to come out (I didnt say the latter)

Today I have taken double the dose of Diazepam and 3 paracetamol together to stop the pain, it seems to have worked but the relief seems to only last about 2 hours at the very most. I dont have much left. getting the results from my X-ray tomorrow and going in for an MRI on Wednesday to check my brain and my spine and the pain is so bad. I wonder what they will find. At this point if I was told I had 6months to live I would probably have much more hope than I do now.

I have been thinking about my death a lot lately, I think I would want to die in my sleep after a few good byes and a few sorry's maybe, don't really have anyone to say sorry to in my life as I have never really un/intentionally hurt someone and not apologised and explained. except I would tell my loved ones I was sorry I was not able to continue.

I know one thing, if i do try to end it all it wont be a cry for help, it will truly be because I have had enough. I have no appetite lately, partly due to the fact the tablets make me feel less hungry and sleepy all the time and partly due to the fact I cant look in the mirror I feel so fat and ugly I refuse to eat anything other than juice, crackers, milk and popcorn the milk and crackers are only because I dont want the tablets to make me sick on top of how I am already feeling.

The tablets also make me confused and have liitle memory loss, like what I was just watching on tv or the plot of a movie i had been watching, the injection I got at the hospital made me hallucinate and have the worst nightmare, I dreamt that I was looking down from a window into a front yard entrance and I saw some guard dogs chained up as security, then I noticed this one guy holding the chain and at first he was being nice then all of a sudden he wrapped the chain around the dogs neck and started to choke it to kill it, I could hear the dog screaming and whining in pain and I was so distraught I woke up terrified and the noises were so real, i wont ever forget seeing that poor dog wriggling and screaming for its life. I later noticed one of the side effects of really strong Diazepam is nightmares. I was too scared to go back to sleep even though I was really wobbly and drowsy.

I realised that since the age of 13 I have had depression I guess emotional abuse from all sides will do that to a kid after years and years of not fighting back (never from my mother or brother). Or maybe its hereditary, there seems to be statistics that back this up, I think my dad has it, looking back growing up as a child i remember people saying he would go missing for days on end and he would be in his flat not seeing or speaking to anyone. I ignored these things as an adult I didnt think it was significant, and maybe it is'nt, but one thing I know that IS significant, even though I have used the words "feeling depressed" in the past I never really used it and owned it. I just used it to identify the "phase" I was in and not as an Illness I have. Even Now i still cant get to grips with it, but the facts are there.

Looking back on all the feedback I have had from so called NHS "professionals" on Mental health and the reactions I would get from my doctors in the past they all made me feel as though it was all in my head, they negated my feelings and symptoms....

" Oh everyone gets down"
"You need a boyfriend"
" you may want to lose weight, being fat doesnt help"
" your just under a little stress"
" Pull it together/suck it up/Deal with it!"
"Everyone gets down sometimes....dont worry about it"
"Thats just part of life"

No, it's not.

I am realising now that I need to re-educate myself and get rid of my own insecurities and stigmas about suffering from this Illness and sufferers of it, I always thought "nah I am too analytical for it to affect someone like me, I am different". Acknowledging that it IS an illness and deal with it and not be ashamed or think it means I am not intelligent enough to get through it if I need to take tablets for the rest of my life to deal with this hell hole called life.

I'm crying right now for all the times asked/begged/ cried for help and no on listened to me sympathetically or understood me, I am crying for all the time I allowed my partners to say negative /degrading things to me when I couldnt shake the feeling of sadness for days and sometimes weeks - if only they knew the more they told me to "snap out of it" and the more they berated me for feeling so blue the longer it lasted. They didnt do it because they cared. They did it because they didnt believe it was REAL.

If it is not a physical ailment it doesnt exist and it is just you looking for attention, being over sensitive, being weak. That's why I shut myself away from others because so many dont get it. Hell, even I dont get it, so go figure.

It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between simply being down or feeling a little sad to being depressed. I finally acknowledge that I know I am depressed when I cant get out of bed or the house for days on end, when the only thing I feel I have left is my pride that makes me at least get up and and brush my teeth and have a bath everyday ( incase I get rushed to hospital/die I must have clean underwear or my nan will kill me if I survive Ha!).

I have to acknowledge that when I cant even bear to think about seeing anyone or talking to anyone that I am depressed.

When I think I am all alone and no one understands no matter how hard they try.... I'm depressed and when i feel I have nothing to look forward to in my life or the future and the feelings of worthlessness and hopelssness consume my every waking moment that I am depressed.

I have to acknowledge that when I can only think of death and my options or as my ONLY option.....I am depressed.

And if I think of these things every few months or so, for a few weeks at a time.....

I suffer from an illness called depression.

It hurts to admit, it hurts because I thought I was different....

"No Maybe I dont suffer from depression afterall, maybe it's just my way of recouping my energy shutting myself off from others"
"Maybe it's just my way of dealing with stress"
"look I am feeling better now and on top of the world maybe I cant suffer from depression"
"Maybe this, Maybe that......."

Facts to remind me.....copied from netdoctor.co.uk

Symptoms of depression Stress can lead to you to feeling 'down' and 'miserable'. What is different about a depressive illness is that these feelings last for weeks or months, rather than days. In addition to feeling low most or all of the time, many other symptoms can occur in depressive illness (though not everybody has every one).

• 
  Being unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable.
  
• Losing interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life.
  
• Feeling tired all of the time and having no energy.
  
• Difficulty sleeping or waking early in the morning (though some feel that they can't get out of bed and 'face the world').
  
• Having a poor appetite, no interest in food and losing weight (though some people overeat and put on weight - 'comfort eating').
  
• Losing interest in sex.
  
• Finding it difficult to concentrate and think straight.
  
• Feeling restless, tense and anxious.
  
• Being irritable.
  
• Losing self-confidence.
  
• Avoiding other people.
  
• Finding it harder than usual to make decisions.
  
• Feeling useless and inadequate - 'a waste of space'.
  
• Feeling guilty about who you are and what you have done.
  
• Feeling hopeless - that nothing will make things better.
  
• Thinking about suicide - this is very common. If you feel this way, talk to somebody about it. If you think somebody else might be thinking this way, ask them about it - IT WILL NOT MAKE THEM MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

I am suffering from all of the above... Go figure :(

I am not going to lie to myself or others around me I know the tablets wont make it go away, thats why I was reluctant to seek help again from anyone, the issues will still be there, the feeling of being a failure in life will still be there, the lost feeling....will still be there... the thoughts of simply dying I dont think will ever go away..... why? Because I dont know what else to do to sort myself out, to get to that "happy" place in my life where I see purpose and validation for my existence. and are at least content with where I am. I feared getting help in the first place this time because I was scared of the "what if's" and the feelings and thoughts that confirmed to me that no matter what I do the feelings will come back and I will be here again in a few months time, whining about the same thing.

I have been known to go almost two years without being this way... then the bitch came back and the fertility medical stuff started getting me down. I guess it's no wonder.

I do am a resourceful person and I think my issue is I dont think anyone can suggest anything to me that I have not already tried and unless I get an experts opinion and assesment and guidance I dont know who else I can trust to help me or who knows more than I do about trying to think of new ways to turn my life around and help inspire me. I hate it when people state the obvious in situations even though they are only trying to help.

But for those that love me and care and have been patient with me and stuck around, for all those people who texted me and told me to hang in there it will get better I am doing this for them, because they care about me right now more than I do about myself and I at least "owe" them that much for caring and to at least be able to say for all the love and support they are giving me....I did try, even If I fail.

To Vee a fellow blogger (one half of Vee and Jay), ...Thank you!