Getting well

It's been an age since I last posted, I have been trying to get well and sort my life out.

I decided one morning that I was not going to give up, something amazing happened which i am not yet ready to talk about but it has changed my life, a stranger has basically touched my life in a away that i never thought was possible and since then i have been up and handling life as I should be.

OK so where to start....

The pain is not as bad in my neck the MRI showed that I have inflammtion in my vertebrae but that it should settle down soon, my depression is under control and I am feeling better than normal, however the noise in my head is still there but i am getting used to it, they think i have vibratory tinnitus.

I am up and about and doing things again. Not working yet but that is because i have had a lot of things to handle.

I had a really deep conversation with STUD one day and she told me the truth about myself as she knows me, which was very spot on, good and not so good, the conversation ended in her giving me some advice that was obvious but i had kept putting it off.... I needed to do a job that was giving back to society and the people in it. She suggested I look at youth support work and mentoring. Something inside me just clicked.....I felt elated and happy all at once and the following day I called the local councils adult education team and have an interview to train as a counsellor in january .....not only that I have contacted the Albert kennedy trust to see if I can help mentor and befriend any young people that maybe in crisis during my training they also train too.

I have also decided that looking at my own life as empty is very real but that is only because I have not felt like i am doing enough for others, when i evaluated everything in my life i realised that the signs have been there for many years that I should be working with young people. I just didnt get it, I got caught up and blinkered.

I have been meditating too and trying to find my centre and since then I have met amazing people and also things seem to be falling into place, the course interview is in two weeks. I have also met someone who is in that line of work and is one of the top child psychologists in the country and she has taken me under her wing as she is setting up a very specialist child centre in the UK and has asked if i would like to help out with some things and in return she will help guide me with my courses and hands on training when needed. More about her later ;)

Then yesterday, i got a letter in the post stating that i was to be at the hospital that day for a pre assesment for surgery... i thought NO WAY THIS IS A TYPING ERROR... i called them and it turns out that they only posted it on friday 14th and yes indeed i had to be there at 14:50 yesterday... so i rushed and got dressed and headed down there in shock..... i didnt think it was going to be so soon.

I got there and was assessed and all is well i went to the admissions department for an appointment for surgery and guess what.....They had a cancellation and I am having it done ..........on MONDAY 24th DEC. Yes MONDAY COMING... Oh my fucking GOODNESS!!

I was in no doubt i wanted that appointment, i am not bothered about it being xmas eve all the more reason to relax :)

So...... all is going well I am on a real HIGH not the manic kind the kind that makes you feel like everything is working out now....I have this stranger to thank as well as myself for getting things back in order and giving me hope again.

I am off to get my hair done, my eyebrows waxed, my legs done and pedicure/manicure and all this as I have a work xmas Do tomorrow that i have to attend, Life is good. Fate has brought me where I am today and I have to be grateful..... and thankful.

I wont ever give up again... I now know something i never knew before..... Faith inside is what keeps people going not the external faith in something that you cant see or prove.... God is inside each and everyone of us and sometimes we have to just LET GO and allow things to unfold and if that means that like me you have to shut yourself away, stop feeling, stop participating until you GET IT then so be it, i now know i had to have that "shut down" otherwise i would not have opened up to certain people in my life and got answers.

I would not have had the most intense conversation with my mother about faith, her special gift ( she is a psychic/medium) and my own fears and outlook on life, having THAT talk with her showed me that i made many assumptions about my mum and how she handles things... I assumed that she was not able to sort things, i assumed she was not able to advise me on anything i didnt know, i didnt ALLOW her to be a parent to me in my adult life......since i had this conversation with her i have not felt that pressure and worry about her, as i listened to her more and saw that she is not worried about life and has so much faith and her gift allows her to stay calm, i neednt worry so much about her.

I also wouldnt have met this stranger who has touched me in the most remarkable of ways i cannot describe. FATE does exist... i didnt really believe it before but now........i am blown away.


Since then I have cleaned my house from the ceiling to the floor, i have chucked old things that i was holding onto for sentimental reasons that i didnt need, i got rid of cards and gestures from Ex's, that emotionally was holding me back, i cleaned the ENTIRE Flat leaving no stone unturned, I threw out in one night 14 rubbish bags of old stuff that i didnt need, i have donated more than 50 books to charity, I have got on my hands and knees and scrubbed rugs and upholstery, thrown out old tins of paint, and everything and anything that i just didnt need any more and especially stuff that if i hadnt used it in a year then i would never use it....

Everything from papers to pins are neatly ordered into boxes and tubs labeled neatly. No cupboard has escaped me even the one under the sink and the junk cupboard outside... they are all gleaming with the smell of antibacterial spray and freshness......

I am making room in my life physically and emotionally for a new begining, for new people, for new potentials..... and the house is only a symbol of me..... emotionally i have let go of pain and disappointment in my past, i have released expectations of myself other than those to constantly be a good person to my self as well as others.... I have vowed to nurture myself and my own gifts and talents and .....ME... just being ME... and realising and acknowledging that being ME IS good enough.

My mum said to me the other day... faith is like a pet or a child... you have to nurture it, water it, feed it and give it constant love and affection to see it grow, then one day it will be strong enough to do what needs to be done,... THAT she said is Faith..... everytime you beat yourself up you are not nurturing you, FAITH is YOU. So when things dont go according to your plan unless you ahve nurtured Faith you wont feel the real effects of it to carry you through, much like looking not after your body and expecting it to perform at the drop of a hat.

I have liked that analogy and decided that I will no longer beat myself up about things but as long as i can say i made the best choice i could with what time and skills i had then.....that has to be enough. I HAVE TO BE ENOUGH.

No more hating me, lots more loving me. Lots of other people love me, so why dont I.

Finding my Purpose...Feeling sorry for myself today

It's hard, without faith one has no hope, without hope One has no faith. without both One has no motivation to live.

Hope drives people forward through hard times and lifes struggles, to have neither is surely a death in it self, No?

“However unhappy a person may be, the moment he knows the purpose of his life a switch is turned and the light is on... If he has to strive after that purpose all his life, he does not mind so long as he knows what the purpose is.“Ten such people have much greater power than a thousand people working from morning till evening not knowing the purpose of their life.” –H.I. Khan–


"Purpose is not achievement. For example, achievement can mean being successful at a job you don’t want, to enable you to afford an expensive car you don’t need, in order to impress a girlfriend you don’t like... A purpose is something you express continually in order to bring you pleasure, not a list of things you have to achieve. " - anxietyculture.com

I feel like I should have one of two things in my life to keep me going, either a job that fulfills me and makes me feel as though I am making a difference to the world or the people in it and that I love( dont know what that is, hence my problem part 1), even on my bad days, or having a family to nurture. If I am lucky I could get both, but as it stands and for my forseeable future I have NEITHER and feel empty.

I dont feel like ranting about the lack of purpose in my life but i think this may turn into one anyway so I am going with it.

I tried to do something about it and went for a job interview this week that I actually really wanted with one of the countries' top nutritionist and author.. No not Gillian Mckieth or whatever her name is, this one is credited and has a proper certificate and qualification and looks like she practices what she teaches.

I didn't want to leave the house, but I did, I hated every moment of walking outside my door but i thought in the back of my mind "This could be IT" and i will never know unless I go....I went I gave it my all it was the best most self informative and selling interview i have ever given yet 3 hours later i didn't get the job. That alone didn't disappoint me, it was the whole meaning behind it for me that kicked me in the gut.

Just when I wanted and was looking for something to believe in again and have faith and hope for the future, and stepping outside my comfort zone- that was so hard it took me 4 hours to get out the house-and yet I went and presented the best of me and what I had to offer regardless, I was kicked down again.

Yes I am feeling a Victim, that "victim" mentality that I so despised in the past, it's now me, *sigh*! I wonder now if there is any truth to the saying "The thing you fear the most is what you shall become" ??? Does a "failure/drifter" count?

I no longer sit in bed and cry and feel sorry for myself as I did but instead I stay in the home with no reason to venture out, with no excitement for anything, waiting for the hours to pass, feeling numb and void. I am hurting those around me as they feel helpless but I cant help it, it is not intentional.

I am finding it hard to say I feel loved these days, I don't know even if I know what that is. Seriously I don't know, everytime I thought I knew what that felt like I was abused and hurt in someway, I don't know if i truly know what it feels like to be protected cared for and loved.

As far back as I can remember I HAVE been the "protector", of my mum, emotionally always making sure she dealt with things the best way as soon as I was old enough to make judgements/decisions I was helping her make them from an early age. I felt like the mother even though she went to work and brought home the money, even though she instilled in me morals and principles even though she was a physical parent I was the emotional parent, in many many ways. I guess being a mother is the only hting I know I can do in life.

Apart from the things and advice I do/give to others I don't think they will miss me for anything else, it is hard to imagine the reality of their pain and loss if I were to die, this is what makes the thoughts of suicide so very real to me sometimes because their pain of losing me doesn't seem real at all.

RESPONSIBILITY!

I struggled from an early age with responsibility, I felt the imbalance very early on in my life, as a child I would feel highly responsible if something went wrong in our lives from the age of about 7, if things didnt work out well I felt either I was the cause of it or I had to think of a way to fix it and make it better. In my teens i struggled with what was my responsibility in life to steer and what was fate/chance/universe/god. Even in my adult life I have the same struggles, when things go well it is fate/luck when they go wrong it is me.

I feel so responsible for the people in my life namely my mum and brother and everything that happens to me, I think that is why I am losing hope and focus and faith because I so want something bigger than me to take the reigns and show me it will all be OK, but i dont think it will.

I now understand why people sometimes feel the need to know if there is life after death, if mediums and psychics and clairvoyants are really able to connect with loved ones on the "other side" because sometimes we need to know that something that has capabilities far beyond our own human/physical limitations is watching over us and is steering us in the direction we need to go in, good or seemingly bad. Thats why we have religion I think, that is why most of us find ourselves questioning our lives based on religious teachings, even if we lean more towards the "spiritual" in later life. As for atheists well who knows, maybe they have faith in humans and evolution??? OK that's a topic for another time my brain already hurts.

I asked myself the other day whilst watching John Edwards, "why is it so important for me to know if there are dead people/loved ones still around me, looking out for me? Why can I not appreciate and be satisfied with the ones here in the living, in THIS life that love me and look out for me?"

At first I didn't know and I felt bad, almost like I was saying internally/subconciously that these people didn't mean as much but then i realised..... It is because those that are here are limited in their powers and abilities to watch over me and help me, because they too are only human and they are also far too busy living their own lives and trying to fight the same struggle......if you are homeless you wouldn't go to a homeless person for a home would you?

People say the pain i am feeling is stress, i doubt it. Something tells me the MRI scan will come back fine as did the X-ray but that is because i think what is wrong would not be picked up by those tests. Maybe i am being overly worried but i know I am not imagining the intense pain.

How much of where I am in my life is my own fault??? I think that often. AS a child i believed you made life what you wanted to make of it and if you made good choices and worked hard and were a good person you would be OK. Where did I go wrong?

I have never intentionally hurt anyone through malice or otherwise, always been honest sometimes to a fault. I am responsible and upstanding, I help people and have a lot of time for others that are in need even taking the time to talk to perfect strangers in a distressed state. I put others first, mostly, I am by no means a saint but that is purely because I intend to do the right thing but it can backfire when others don't get/understand my honesty or intentions or they hurt me and i say something mean back but hey they started it. I don't gossip or spread rumours, I work honestly and fairly, my friends describe me as the most humble person they know, and my worst fault is shutting them out when I am in pain or depressed.

I stand up for those that are weaker or more vulnerable than myself. I respect people. I do all these things yet my life feels as though it is going no where. I am the person who in the line will pay the difference of the old womans shopping cos she doesnt have enough money left, without a second thought simply because I have it. I am the person who has been known to find wild animals near death and try to nurture them back to life.

Yes I am feeling sorry for myself because I dont know where I went wrong. And through all this I feel alone, i thought about getting a pet the other day, been thinking maybe a Chinchilla, but then I started to think about the nights I wouldn't be able to sleep due to their nocturnal nature and the days when I have had pets in the past to help with my loneliness and to take the focus away from me then all of a sudden my life gets busy socially and professionally and i have had to get rid of the animal much to my disappointment because i felt to guilty about the lack of time my miraculously busy lifestyle afforded me to care for this being.

UNFAIR, was my conclusion, it would be unfair for me to get a pet, i dont care for pet fishes i like cuddly animals, not too small had gerbils and hamsters and not keen on animals who eat their own poo (Coprophagic) , i dont want a cat as the fur sheds and drives me mad, all on my clothes and floor. A dog i wouldn't be able to walk regularly if my life became super busy, or should i say if i actually GOT a life.

Thinking all these things, most would wonder why would i want to be a parent then? Well it's simple to me and if you have ever WANTED to be a parent or had difficulty in becoming a parent you would know the answer.....

Bridget Gray..." My letter to Hip- Hop"

Powerful and meaningful, If you like Hip hop this letter is a must. We need the negativity to stop.





Thanks Bridget

Unfathomable.....

OK a little time to try and support and blog about something other than my depressing depression

I actually helped flyer and campaign about this company a few years back and I forgot until I watched the documentary on MORE4 last night that reminded me of the plight and also that I am not entirely self centred. http://www.channel4.com/news/articles/dispatches/mark+thomas+on+cocacola/1068847

Here is the company's response to the documentary....

http://www.gettherealfacts.co.uk/

I hate the drink. I believe for many reasons it is bad for our health and it is aiding in hurting our children as well as other soft fizzy drinks and sodas as they are also known. It is said that they, much like the other large conglomerate NESTLE' are preventing fresh water from being pumped into certain areas so that the only option is to buy and consume their many products...Allegedly!

The Many Uses of Coca-Cola

1. To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl. let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean. The citric acid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.

2. To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.

3. To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminal to bubble away the corrosion.

4. To loosen a rusty bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.

5. To bake a moist ham: Empty a can of Coca-Cola into the baking pan; wrap the ham in aluminum foil, and bake. Thirty minutes before the ham is finished, remove the foil, allowing the drippings to mix with the Coke for a sumptuous brown gravy.

6. To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of Coke into a load greasy clothes, add detergent, and run through a regular cycle.

7. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains. It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

AND WE DRINK THIS STUFF:

FYI- The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. It's pa is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.

The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years.

Drink up.

courtesy of tcwilliams and the wonderful worldwide web

There are so many more just Google..... for more interesting info on Coca Cola see http://www.inminds.co.uk/boycott-coca-cola.html and make up your own mind.

Image courtesy of http://killercoke.org/

Random questions/musings

How do you start to live again if/when the meds really kick in?

How do you build new dreams and goals that mean something more than you when you cant see past anything else but the darkness of pessimism and criticism?

How do you start to re-prepare and re-insulate yourself for life and its set backs when you decide to get back in "The Game"?

What if it's a game you dont care to win anymore and unlike the games in the school yard you cant just quit whilst your ahead? Or can you?

What if you just dont want to play anymore?

Depression is like a mother if she says you cant go out to play, you cant go out to play.....And you wonder if your friends truly understand when you are just too scared to climb out the back window because you live in a high rise building....on the top floor.

How do you justify your existence?

What if you cant find your "centre" and perpetually spin into nothingness for the rest of your existence?

How do you rid yourself of the guilt you feel deep inside because you have 2 arms 2 legs a brain that works and yet do nothing with what you have?

How do you reclaim the fire that once raged inside you before your spirit was covered in that damn Fire blanket mounted on every fucking wall of hope that ever meant anything?

How do you know you are worth it in a society/subculture that says if you dont posses or DO certain things you're not....?

How do you stop the ache in your heart when the thing that should be the most natural is the hardest thing to achieve?

How do you erase the guilt that makes you feel worse everyday because you are "wallowing" in self pity too crippled to climb out of the quicksand of depression to do anything else?

How do you stop feeling sick to the stomach with disappointment with self, regret, loss and shame for feeling all of the above?

How long will this last before all the people that care just give up on you for fear of going down with you?

How do you fight the fear of your only comfort zone and security eventually becoming depression?

Pain... Public vs Private

I would like to thank all who read my blog and I value your support unfortunately I am at a stage now where I feel the need to restrict my entries to selected readers and comment posters until further notice for obvious reasons. Please email me at my personal email address to get the password for my posts and further updates. You will need to allow POP UP for the password box and possibly check your security setting to enable java script.

Thank you.

Numb...

The only thing I feel is ice
Cold and numb and as if nothing on this earth is more harsh than the pain I feel inside,
my days are as dark as my nights and my nights are as lonely as death itself.

The tablets make me jittery and the anxiety only seems to get worse as the days go by, the mirrors in the house have all been taken down or covered the the food that is delivered by loved ones is instantly frozen and hated, despised.

Staying in bed all day is my own slow demise.

I am too coward to "call it a day" and "pull the plug", I drip with guilt, too guilty to say goodbye forever and yet too selfish to end my pain in a flash, do I want others to see how much I hurt?

I dont know all I know is the urge to punish myself is now far greater than my urge to travel to a light that I hope shines brighter than the one in my being, is warmer then the frost that shrouds my body like a cloak every day,

I punish myself and scheme ways to take the meds that carry the warning " to be taken with food". The need for food is to keep One alive but surely to gain some control, the ultimate control is to control the thing that is most necessary to life itself.

Yet another day as they roll into one and I am losing track of time, sleeping through hunger and the pain, physically and emotionally, the days go by faster that way.

"Death" can have many forms it is as varied as the meaning of the word itself, to die can be done in many ways and yet you can still exist among the shadows of the living.

Knocking on Heavens door....

I was rushed to A&E at 1am on Monday morning due to almost blacking out with the pain in my neck that has progressed to my skull , I started to have panic attacks and the , drugs were not working.
On one hand I wanted to die and thought now is my chance, to do it the "right way", instead I got scared, I knew the only person with a spare set of keys that would find me would be my mum or baby brother. That wouldn't be fair to them. When I die I don't want them to find me.

I have been prescribed Diazepam for the pain and Citalopram for the depression. The drugs are still not working for the pain the only thing that helped was the gas in the ambulance but that only took the edge off the pain. I called the Ambulance only because I was scared that without the control of death I could be dying of a haemorage or something equally horrific. Believe me on less than 14 hours sleep in 6 days due to the pain and anxiety you would probably panic too.

Anyway I promised Daddi I would call the emergency services as I was crying uncontrollably, even though two nights previous I called the emergency doctor and they wanted me to leave the house at 2am to go about 2 miles to get the prscription only pain killers when I said I couldn't go they suggested that if I "felt"" like going then I should give them a call and they would have them ready for me even after I said I was in so much pain I could barely breathe. Surely it's their fucking job was to come out (I didnt say the latter)

Today I have taken double the dose of Diazepam and 3 paracetamol together to stop the pain, it seems to have worked but the relief seems to only last about 2 hours at the very most. I dont have much left. getting the results from my X-ray tomorrow and going in for an MRI on Wednesday to check my brain and my spine and the pain is so bad. I wonder what they will find. At this point if I was told I had 6months to live I would probably have much more hope than I do now.

I have been thinking about my death a lot lately, I think I would want to die in my sleep after a few good byes and a few sorry's maybe, don't really have anyone to say sorry to in my life as I have never really un/intentionally hurt someone and not apologised and explained. except I would tell my loved ones I was sorry I was not able to continue.

I know one thing, if i do try to end it all it wont be a cry for help, it will truly be because I have had enough. I have no appetite lately, partly due to the fact the tablets make me feel less hungry and sleepy all the time and partly due to the fact I cant look in the mirror I feel so fat and ugly I refuse to eat anything other than juice, crackers, milk and popcorn the milk and crackers are only because I dont want the tablets to make me sick on top of how I am already feeling.

The tablets also make me confused and have liitle memory loss, like what I was just watching on tv or the plot of a movie i had been watching, the injection I got at the hospital made me hallucinate and have the worst nightmare, I dreamt that I was looking down from a window into a front yard entrance and I saw some guard dogs chained up as security, then I noticed this one guy holding the chain and at first he was being nice then all of a sudden he wrapped the chain around the dogs neck and started to choke it to kill it, I could hear the dog screaming and whining in pain and I was so distraught I woke up terrified and the noises were so real, i wont ever forget seeing that poor dog wriggling and screaming for its life. I later noticed one of the side effects of really strong Diazepam is nightmares. I was too scared to go back to sleep even though I was really wobbly and drowsy.

I realised that since the age of 13 I have had depression I guess emotional abuse from all sides will do that to a kid after years and years of not fighting back (never from my mother or brother). Or maybe its hereditary, there seems to be statistics that back this up, I think my dad has it, looking back growing up as a child i remember people saying he would go missing for days on end and he would be in his flat not seeing or speaking to anyone. I ignored these things as an adult I didnt think it was significant, and maybe it is'nt, but one thing I know that IS significant, even though I have used the words "feeling depressed" in the past I never really used it and owned it. I just used it to identify the "phase" I was in and not as an Illness I have. Even Now i still cant get to grips with it, but the facts are there.

Looking back on all the feedback I have had from so called NHS "professionals" on Mental health and the reactions I would get from my doctors in the past they all made me feel as though it was all in my head, they negated my feelings and symptoms....

" Oh everyone gets down"
"You need a boyfriend"
" you may want to lose weight, being fat doesnt help"
" your just under a little stress"
" Pull it together/suck it up/Deal with it!"
"Everyone gets down sometimes....dont worry about it"
"Thats just part of life"

No, it's not.

I am realising now that I need to re-educate myself and get rid of my own insecurities and stigmas about suffering from this Illness and sufferers of it, I always thought "nah I am too analytical for it to affect someone like me, I am different". Acknowledging that it IS an illness and deal with it and not be ashamed or think it means I am not intelligent enough to get through it if I need to take tablets for the rest of my life to deal with this hell hole called life.

I'm crying right now for all the times asked/begged/ cried for help and no on listened to me sympathetically or understood me, I am crying for all the time I allowed my partners to say negative /degrading things to me when I couldnt shake the feeling of sadness for days and sometimes weeks - if only they knew the more they told me to "snap out of it" and the more they berated me for feeling so blue the longer it lasted. They didnt do it because they cared. They did it because they didnt believe it was REAL.

If it is not a physical ailment it doesnt exist and it is just you looking for attention, being over sensitive, being weak. That's why I shut myself away from others because so many dont get it. Hell, even I dont get it, so go figure.

It is hard sometimes to tell the difference between simply being down or feeling a little sad to being depressed. I finally acknowledge that I know I am depressed when I cant get out of bed or the house for days on end, when the only thing I feel I have left is my pride that makes me at least get up and and brush my teeth and have a bath everyday ( incase I get rushed to hospital/die I must have clean underwear or my nan will kill me if I survive Ha!).

I have to acknowledge that when I cant even bear to think about seeing anyone or talking to anyone that I am depressed.

When I think I am all alone and no one understands no matter how hard they try.... I'm depressed and when i feel I have nothing to look forward to in my life or the future and the feelings of worthlessness and hopelssness consume my every waking moment that I am depressed.

I have to acknowledge that when I can only think of death and my options or as my ONLY option.....I am depressed.

And if I think of these things every few months or so, for a few weeks at a time.....

I suffer from an illness called depression.

It hurts to admit, it hurts because I thought I was different....

"No Maybe I dont suffer from depression afterall, maybe it's just my way of recouping my energy shutting myself off from others"
"Maybe it's just my way of dealing with stress"
"look I am feeling better now and on top of the world maybe I cant suffer from depression"
"Maybe this, Maybe that......."

Facts to remind me.....copied from netdoctor.co.uk

Symptoms of depression Stress can lead to you to feeling 'down' and 'miserable'. What is different about a depressive illness is that these feelings last for weeks or months, rather than days. In addition to feeling low most or all of the time, many other symptoms can occur in depressive illness (though not everybody has every one).

• 
  Being unable to gain pleasure from activities that normally would be pleasurable.
  
• Losing interest in normal activities, hobbies and everyday life.
  
• Feeling tired all of the time and having no energy.
  
• Difficulty sleeping or waking early in the morning (though some feel that they can't get out of bed and 'face the world').
  
• Having a poor appetite, no interest in food and losing weight (though some people overeat and put on weight - 'comfort eating').
  
• Losing interest in sex.
  
• Finding it difficult to concentrate and think straight.
  
• Feeling restless, tense and anxious.
  
• Being irritable.
  
• Losing self-confidence.
  
• Avoiding other people.
  
• Finding it harder than usual to make decisions.
  
• Feeling useless and inadequate - 'a waste of space'.
  
• Feeling guilty about who you are and what you have done.
  
• Feeling hopeless - that nothing will make things better.
  
• Thinking about suicide - this is very common. If you feel this way, talk to somebody about it. If you think somebody else might be thinking this way, ask them about it - IT WILL NOT MAKE THEM MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE.

I am suffering from all of the above... Go figure :(

I am not going to lie to myself or others around me I know the tablets wont make it go away, thats why I was reluctant to seek help again from anyone, the issues will still be there, the feeling of being a failure in life will still be there, the lost feeling....will still be there... the thoughts of simply dying I dont think will ever go away..... why? Because I dont know what else to do to sort myself out, to get to that "happy" place in my life where I see purpose and validation for my existence. and are at least content with where I am. I feared getting help in the first place this time because I was scared of the "what if's" and the feelings and thoughts that confirmed to me that no matter what I do the feelings will come back and I will be here again in a few months time, whining about the same thing.

I have been known to go almost two years without being this way... then the bitch came back and the fertility medical stuff started getting me down. I guess it's no wonder.

I do am a resourceful person and I think my issue is I dont think anyone can suggest anything to me that I have not already tried and unless I get an experts opinion and assesment and guidance I dont know who else I can trust to help me or who knows more than I do about trying to think of new ways to turn my life around and help inspire me. I hate it when people state the obvious in situations even though they are only trying to help.

But for those that love me and care and have been patient with me and stuck around, for all those people who texted me and told me to hang in there it will get better I am doing this for them, because they care about me right now more than I do about myself and I at least "owe" them that much for caring and to at least be able to say for all the love and support they are giving me....I did try, even If I fail.

To Vee a fellow blogger (one half of Vee and Jay), ...Thank you!

worse now

I spoke to my mum she came round to see me and she screamed at me for being self pitying and said i just have to deal with it and to stop feeling sorry for myself and moping around. I knew she wouldnt understand. she ended up storming out when i told her that if she didnt understand just say so instead of shouting at me, I told her i wont ever tell her how i am feeling ever again, i mean it too.

Maybe i dont make sense. maybe what I am getting upset about is all in my head. maybe i thought life was supposed to be this wonderful thing, if you did things a certain way and now i'm disappointed when it isnt. I dont care if 90% of people are unhappy and just deal with it. I'm not. The worst thing is no one else can help me to make sense of it. no one else can help. life is what you make it right... blah blah i used to think that too I now understand why people just disappear, just go missing. you see it on the tv families and friends not seeing them for years appealing for them to come "home". Maybe because they feel how I feel. I want to disappear but hiding in my home if much safer and warmer, sometimes i want to just jump on a train and not come back, maybe 50% of homeless people start out like me and end up like "them"

I wanted to scream at her "I dont want to fucking end up like you!!!" but i couldnt, i couldnt disrespect my mum like that. She doesnt get it i know that. its not her fault she probably has never questioned life the way i do. if she has i think tonight she forgot.

I feel worse now than ever, i feel so numb and tears are rolling down my face i dont want to eat to punish myself i dont want to leave the house. the one person i thought may be gentle with me and give me a hug she couldnt. I hate the fact she thinks of me as self pitying i hate it, i dont think i am, i cant even turn to the hospital for help and tell them how i am feeling they might send to the "mad house" for a week or two and then that will be on my permanent record, i hate it when people say what are you going to do when you have a baby and you feel this bad, it hurts so much when they say that, I understand their concerns but i feel they dont know me, my mum said it, i wouldnt feel this way but they dont know me obviousy as much as they think they do, sometimes i feel as though maybe in the past i have given up too easily on my dreams, i wish i was more competitive instead i wouldnt fight for first place i woud be happy with second maybe thats why i am where i am today, maybe thats the thing maybe i just didnt fight hard enough when i should have fear of failing fear of rejection.

I envy people that let the disappointments make them more determined, Survival of the fittest indeed. I wish i was that way, maybe i am just to weak to soft. Maybe what i thought as a child that I didn't belong here was true.

What's the point?

Stayed in bed all dat today, mainly because I feel really low again. Things seem to be spiralling out of control in my head and I am even worried about myself. Not going to feel guilt or apologise for myself with the "starving children in Africa" syndrome or the " there is a man with no feet whilst you are busy crying about not having shoes".

I feel like I have no real purpose in life, I feel like I am just drifting along aimlessly. No matter what I try it all falls flat. Starting to wonder, if there is no point to life why am I bothering to wake up anymore? I dont know how I got here in my life at this age.

By 30 I wanted so many things for myself, I saw greatness and purpose, I saw happiness and fulfilment. I believed with every fibre of my being that life is what you make it.
I have non of those things, I AM non of those things, granted I dont want for money I am ok and content with that, I learned to live within my means and now do just fine with nice things but that is all that they are THINGS.

I give to friends and family financially so I am not a selfish person, I give to the needy when I can and even sometimes when I cant, just because in that moment I know I have more than they do at that time and at least I have a roof over my head with my own front door key to come and go as I please, clothes on my back and food to eat. If I was ever hard up I know I could make more money and sell the nice things I own, but stripping that all down.........I feel as though I have nothing.

I was never materialistic even as a child, my parents lived in two differenet worlds so I had the experience of a rich and lavish lifestyle from my "part-time dad" even if I did go home to a more modest existence with my mum. I know what it's like to jet set around staying in 5 star hotels as a kid, so as an adult those htings mean little to me, I know what its like to mingle with the inheritantly wealthy, I know what its like to not have much to eat in stark contrast. My dad was a selfish bastard in many respects.

Confusing as a child yet as an adult I learned to make do with what I have until I have it, so it seems funny to me that even though all I ever wanted was to have successful career and use my success to get messages of love and compassion and charity across to others not even thinking about finacially being ok, money is what I have ( at least for now) yet purpose is lacking.

What is the point of having nice things and a nice home if those things dont make you happy. I feel that even though I have enough money to not worry too much I have no purpose in my life, I work (when I can/or want to these days) I shop, I stay home, I travel, I give back. Surely I should be happy right?

I'm not.

I go to sleep crying and questioning my existence. I wake up numb. I used to have hope and a positive outlook on life for the most part, I once belived everything happened for a reason, what if it doesnt? What if there is no rhyme or reason to existing and that thing called Karma is a bunch of horseshit. What if religion and spirituality is only something people invented because they had nothing else to explain their miserable and sad existence.

I was raised to be religious or shall we say have religious awareness, as my mum was not active in going to church ( my nan was) and I am sure sometimes with all the shit we suffered as a kid she wondered if there really was a god at some point between working 2 jobs and fighting to keep us in clothes and food and love as a family unit.

She did well granted, neither me nor my brother have turned to drugs or crime or hang with the wrong crowd, we both are really good loving people and considering we lived in one of the most deprived areas in london rife with drugs, guns and crime we both turned into really upstanding individuals, not hooked on crack, drink like fishes, or follow our peers (we are both into going our way even if its against the grain) or have any enemies in life.

Maybe in that respect If her faith never faltered, whatever it was she believed in it served her well, even when we lost the family home due to a huge council fuck up and they offered to take my brother into foster care because they wouldnt find anywhere for my mum to live she hung in there refusing to let that happen and praying things would get better. I later found her a place to live after she lived with me for a while. She showed amazing strength and positivity.

Maybe having kids to push you foward does that to you, maybe the knowledge that you are not just living for YOURSELF can do that to a person, I dont know. All I know is without that high flying career or job that was worth while, without children, or without at least a sense of why I am here, one of the three is all I ask for I dont see the point anymore. I am going to be 30 years old in two months far from where I wanted to be, so far from it I ache, I feel as though I have done everything in my power to make my life happen, I don tbelieve in having things handed to you on a plate, I do however think you have to work for things but dammit I am tired, tired of having doors shut in my face, tired of one minute thinking I know exactly what it is I am supposed to do then when I go for it it falls flat.

I had a clearer sense of where I wanted to be and how I was going to get there when I was 16, now 14 years later I am so confused and fucking frustrated with life I want to give up, I want to cash in my chips and go "home". I dont want to gamble anymore, walking through life without a fucking torch is no fun and whatever sick fuck thought it would be has no compassion.

I dont answer my phone these days, I tried to talk to my best mate about things but she just went on about believing in God and and staying strong and the devil attacking you... OMG! I tell you, as much as I love her and at times she is so much strength to me and I wont have her belief riddiculed by anyone but religion was the last thing I wanted to hear last night. Sick of hearing it will work out, sick of hearing all in good time and the testing of faith......Stud I love you, but last night for the first time in 7 years of talking to you almost everyday you made me feel worse after our little chat. She was trying to help I know.

I turned to Daddi for maybe some advice and comfort and reassurance of a spiritual nature. Didnt help either, instead I had questions that came across as challenges and made hym feel bad. I guess some of us believe what we believe and we cant prove it to anyone else they have to see it for themselves.... whetever "IT" is. Speaking of which, maybe the thing that these people belive in really is an "IT" of the Stephen King kind. They just dont know it yet.

I used to find comfort in the belief that something higher and more powerful than me existed and had a plan for me........Not anymore I dont think. I am in a black hole and I am upset and angry and lost. I wouldnt feel so bad if I just sat on my arse all day and didnt do anything but complain, if I never got proactive with my life and did nothing to change it but honestly I do. I try EVERYTHING I can think of, I put my heart and soul ( if there is such a thing) into what I do hoping for the best. WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL HERE!!!!

I dont know what is stopping me from taking my own life tonight, I dont even know if whatever it is will last very long, maybe I am so fucking low all I can do is sleep as a form of "death" itself to get me through to tomorrow. I know life changes but that is not enough for me right now as it leaves me with the questions When? What to?

So....I sit and I cry, I debate in my head the fragments of thoughts that consume what little energy I have left to take my mind off the pain in my neck and the black heaviness inside that threatens to consume me unless I sleep before before it takes hold and makes the decision for me.

I dont want to leave my mum, sometimes I can see her crumbling by my grave thinking of all the things she went through to give me life and then I throw it back in her face by deciding to give up. I see her face age 20 years wondering what she will do without her right hand and sometimes I cry, I cry with sorrow and guilt because I wouldnt ever want to do that to her as I knoe suicide is a selfish act, then I cry with anger and rage because I wish I didnt have her to think about so that I could end this misery I feel.

The worse thing is I dont think if this passes and I am still here tomorrow that this will be the last time I feel like dying and giving up, and I wonder, if I still dont find a purpose for living, how long will the love for her be enough to keep me alive.

R.I.P - If only.....

Damn I am so tired, these drugs are really making me sleep a lot.

I stayed in bed the entire weekend. Saturday I spent downloading songs and movies for my MP3 player that finally arrived.... I also downloaded complete Spanish and french audio language programmes for free and have been practising my Spanish, tried them both and just confused myself so doing one at a time.

After that, next stop is to brush up on my Greek, which is my language of choice but nowhere except Greece uses it and it is proving a little harder to find free Greek language programmes online to download to my MP3.

I watched the following films and here is my list and verdict;

1. Satan's Little Helper - in short a pile of wank, the little boy is the most annoying little shit, I almost wished Satan would do away with him first.



2. Drumline - liked it a lot actually, yet another black movie but this was easy to watch wasn't too cheesy and the actual drumline sequences are awesome to watch in the stadium.



3. I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry - HILARIOUS a must see for all gay people too in my book. I hope they show it at the L&G film fest next year. It has some really funny moments and also has some really good serious messages. I have always liked Adam Sandler ( cant stand Jim Carey or Ben Stiller much) and to know he produced and helped direct this movie was warming to me. He is such a dick and I love him.

I have yet to watch so many others so... considering I am getting so many mixed messages about how contagious Shingles is I am going to stay home till the end of the week and watch them all, trying to stay off the snacks especially as I am seeing the dietician tomorrow to see if I really have lost any weight and what else I can do to speed it up as I currently cant exercise till I know for sure what is up with my neck ( and the shingles go away).

I was feeling really sorry for myself early this morning at about 1am and I had no one else to call but Daddi, I was scared if the truth be known. Lately I am finding that a lot of my emotions and responses are based in fear. I had a sharp pain in the left side of my head last night and it freaked me out it was so painful, I tried not to cry but my emotions got the better of me and being alone and not being able to stop the noises in my head is taking its toll on me.

The noise only slows down and quietens when I hold my breath which leads me to believe it has something to do with pressure being applied somewhere in my neck. The strange thing is the noise is getting louder, I thought maybe I was just more aware of it and was being a big baby but I'm not the noise IS getting louder and it is so distracting especially when watching TV and because it is resonating in my jaw and through my teeth, no matter how loud the volume on the TV I cant drown it out sometimes.

I feel like screaming "Enough already!!!!" but what good will that do? I know that there are people out there in far worse situations than me and not complaining or feeling sorry for themselves, but I wish that I could just get a break, the past 10 months have been hell. I have been racially abused in the street, abused by my ex, told I have large Fibroids, Poly cystic ovaries, endometriosis, possibly have Cervical spondylosis, shingles, is it any wonder I am a little fragile right now.

The frightening thing for me is that as you get older your health can only get worse. I started worrying about what will happen when I am 60-70 if my back will go, if my eyesight will go-the optician also says I am at a very high risk of having Glaucoma in my eyes so I have to get my eyes checked every 6-10 months-I just wonder what my life will be like... childless, ailing health and single LOL... Great!! I better start stocking up on cat food now.

I have said it a million times and I can only use these words to describe how I feel again, I am tired, so tired. Drained and I am finding it hard to even think positive these past few months. I don't see my friends anymore mostly because I feel like such a drag and also because I feel like the only thing I will have to talk about is how shitty I am feeling and how I currently hate my life situation. They say misery loves company.... Not mine.

I am even losing my faith in spiritualism, I know now is the time I should be displaying my tenacity and strength, but I cant, I'm really pissed and angry inside. How sad is that.

I cant stay still long enough to think about my next move to improve my life and situation without crying. One good thing is though that I am not smoking, been about 4 months now I think and not had one, so that's good. I don't even miss it, the smell makes me wanna puke and I don't miss how groggy and sick it used to make me feel after the final pull, also I am not comfort eating anymore, aside from Friday when I treated myself to sushi home delivery.

I have been getting fruits and juicing, eating balanced meals or very little and sometimes when I fancy something sweet I just have a bowl of weetabix with honey or dried fruit. So at least I am trying to do something to not wallow in the mire

I had my X-ray done today, it's going to take a week before i get the results... thanks Guys as if the pain is not bad enough, I have to wait to find out what it is, *sigh*.... well I guess I have had it for going on 6weeks now another week should not make a difference... except I fear it might seeing as it has been getting worse. Fuck it!!! believe me when I say I just want to crawl into a fucking corner and die sometimes. Thank (whatever it is ) that I have these tabs to make me sleep or who knows what the hell I'd do siting awake at night mind racing.

Daddi is worried I will get addicted to these pain killers, Not gonna happen. I am so inconsistent I could'nt have a habit if I tried.

Off to watch some TV, part of me wants to get out a lot of other issues, more meaningful topics off my chest on my blog but I am just too consumed with my own bullshit to be able to get into it right now. Maybe when my own life has leveled out then I can start getting off my chest the problems of the world and society today as I see it. Until that time, as self indulgent/pitying/complaining and navel gazing as my blogging appears to me to be, I will continue to vent how I feel about my life, me and the people in it.......Zzzzzzzzzz!

The Drugs dont work

OK just a quick update.

The pain in my neck was so bad I woke up in tears last night/early this morning. I called the doctor to see if I needed to go in or go straight to the hospital as I want an X-ray done, the receptionist said I should go to the hospital walk in centre - as by the time I woke up surgery was already closed for the morning- and get them to see me there.

I got dressed went all the way to the hospital and waited an hour in excruciating pain only to be told they would not, could not give me an X-ray without a form from my doctor I (threatened) said was going to go to A&E, didn't work, was told flatly that they wouldn't see me either. Pissed? yep.

I call the surgery and get to go in and get the form, the doctor asks why I feel the need to have the x-ray so soon and I tell him about last night and how the pain is getting worse.... Long story short, he thinks I have a condition called Cervical Spondylosis and is sending me for an MRI scan as well as an X-ray.

I now have extra strength pain killers 'Codeine Phosphate' and instructed to not handle machinery.... they are going to make me drowsy on top of the Diclofenac making me tired I may just be short of being comatose by next week.

Will keep you posted... if I can stay awake long enough.

Killer Products Courtesy of USA

You know in my last post I mentoned the Killer informercials you get in the USA....?

Well here they are I found two most obvious ones..... Thank you YouTube.

Veramyst: Dont forget to read the small print on the botom of the advert as you watch it too.




Infinity Razor: Free chefs Knife, If you buy the upgrade in 5 years time you will get a free AK47... How COOOOOL!! *eye roll optional*

They disabled the embedded code so here is the link..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LGP19_M0RcY

Btw This product has been deemed crap by many reviewers online who say basically this thing couldnt cut through butter on hot day.

Home

Well It's been a roller coaster ride the past two weeks, as if my life isn't usually (insert eye roll here) .
I have just arrived home and I am shattered, laden with gifts and talismans, pictures, Fertility stones, memorabilia and emotions.

Due to the pain in my neck and also a itchy sore rash that had developed since I was unwell with that "cold" I rushed to the doctors today and it turns out I am suffering from shingles hence the rash and the "cold", the doctor gave me some cream to apply 5 times a day, the neck pain is yet unknown so I have been given super pain killers and anti inflammatory pills that I have to take 3 times a day and due to go back in a fortnight for a check up.

This doctor is really nice and was the one who put me forward for the fertility treatment, he asked how I was doing and we had a chat, he thinks I am suffering from depression after he asked me a few questions and talked about my slepping patterns etc blah blah and has arranged for me to see a therapist and start Cognitive Analytical therapy again (CAT), I am due to see the dietician about my weight loss next Tuesday.

The doctor said when asked that the shingles could haven been due to stress and exhaustion amongst other things... I figured that made sense.

The flight back was as hideous as the flight there, the loos were not working right, the in flight entertainment was on the blink and I was squashed between two's

(saw the wine in the local supermarket and had to take a picture)

......Who snored like troopers, took up all the room and both arm rests. I got no sleep the entire flight, the air stewards talked loudly amongst themselves about divorce, flights to Singapore, and the changing style of the US AIRWAYS uniform and how many limited edition scarves they accumulated to sell on to others, also not forgetting to mention that whilst the captain was talking to the passengers and giving us information they talked over him making it hard to hear updates. So needless to say I was cranky all the way home.

The last week of being in Florida was wonderful after our talk Daddi stepped up hys game and we did things and connected better, we discussed some deep topics and really got to know each other better. In Daddi's true spiritual way we both were able to see the positive in the hiccups and repressed feelings that arose during the first week.

And not forgetting to mention the sex was great *ahem*, the conversation was enlightening and stimulating and I think we gained more respect for each other, I met the parents and went Halloween shopping with Little Star, spent the day at the Beach and generally enjoyed my last week to the fullest.

I have a slightly different perspective on things and my life as well as acknowledgements of the things I need to work on. I was also given a handful of stones said to help with fertility that they bought for me before I arrived along with a giant rose Quartz crystal.

CARNELIAN: red-orange, yellow, brown
Promotes action, courage, helpfulness; stops confusion, inner attunement, cleanses, purifies, opens the heart, lifts emotions, protects from envy and fear and provides perceptiveness. Aids healing in the areas of gall bladder, kidney function, infertility, rheumatism and relieving cramps; stimulates the absorption of vitamins; ensures good blood circulation.

CHRYSOCOLLA: green to turquoise
Soothing and relaxing; promotes patience, flexibility, self-awareness, acceptance of change; and encourages clarity. Aids healing in the areas of infections (particularly throat and tonsils), digestion, and liver function; reduces fever; heals burns faster; lowers blood pressure.

GARNET: usually red, also found in green, brown, black, pink, orange and yellow
Promotes new beginnings, sexuality, prosperity; ends crisis; helps cope with daily problems; feminine strength, compassion, courage, attraction; eliminates energy blocks and taboos; encourages self-confidence and creativity. Aids healing in the areas of cell regeneration, immune system, arthritis and bones; accelerates wound healing, stimulates metabolism and circulation; anti inflammatory.

SUNSTONE: orange, brown iridescent
Promotes leadership, self-worth, good luck, optimism, desire for action; anti-depressant. Stimulates self-healing powers.

And the large one (as big as my hand and I have big hands) daddi gave me from his personal collection.

ROSE QUARTZ: pink
Rose Quartz is the stone of "gentle love" bringing peacefulness and calm. It also promotes beauty, purification, recovery, angelic dreams, well being, self-love, self confidence, romance and sensuality. Aids healing in the areas of depression, blood circulation, heart fortification, sexual problems and encourages fertility.

Hy is really caring and thoughtful.. Thanks Daddi. xx

Saying goodbye at the airport was hard, we took silly pictures together and generally made the best of the time we had left, as we were hugging our final goodbyes at the departure gate James Morrison's 'Undiscovered' played on in the background and we both giggled at the coincidence. One of the first things I sent Daddi in the beginning of our getting to know you stage was a link to the You tube video of this song and basically said this was me, I'm not lost, just undiscovered.

Daddi is coming to the UK for my 30th Birthday.

Here Birdie birdie.....

I must say though I thought the USA was bizarre with regards to many things, I forgot how hell bent they are on making people Fat.

The food is salty, the sugar content in everything including bread was shocking to my taste buds, they put butter on almost everything and generally it is no wonder they are overweight, I mean, we have our issues here too I know but not once did I see an advert/infommercial promoting the 5 a day lifestyle or to drink more water. There food is deep fried and mostly processed... I wonder what other parts of the US are like regarding this?

I never missed the UK so much in my life, I missed my juicer, they all drink soda and so had to buy water as daddi is not really that healthy much to my disappointment but ahh well. I missed my veg and had to constantly remind hym to take me to the store to get veg and fruit. When I finally had a balanced meal of cous cous and veg, my taste buds went crazy and my energy levels went through the roof.

The most shocking thing about the US for me so far was their infommercials promoting medication and drugs with sometimes fatal side affects and the amount of drugs that were being promoted but not even FDA approved and stated so or ommitted to state, basically telling the viewer take at your own risk...of death or the condition worsening.

Try to imagine turning on your tv screen to see an advert promoting a new product to help cure allergies and hay fever etc which you are in much need of as the old med is not working only to then hear the voice over state that-and I quote....

May cause temporary blindness, cataracts, eye and or
nasal infection, dizziness, headaches and rash.

WTF!?!

It doesnt end there, they currently have a new razor out that is said to be the best razor yet and if you order now they will send you a second one half price with a free butchers knife WTF!?!

Sheeesh!!!

I would go again though I woud just know better and try harder to shop at the irght places now I know where to go ...just have to get driving again.

Anyway.... before I go I wanted to share with you an artist I am keeping my eye on, you can find her Myspace page on my list of pages I like to visit, I think her voice is amazing and so far this is my fave song.

Food for thought

I received a comment on my last post from Anonymous.

Just wanted to say that, that comment helped me more than you will know. I have since looked at my self and my behaviour and expectations and made steps to talk about them with Daddi and thanks to that person and OUR communication skills, Daddi and I talked about all of the issues highlighted in the last post.

They have just gone out to get dinner and I wanted to let you know we are back on track, we have been talking for hours and understanding each other. I am really happy that I was able to accept the criticism that I got and use it to change something. Now we are going to move forward and have promised to always talk even if we do not like what the other says we should talk anyway. I would also like to take this opportunity to say that I have also learnt first hand another very valuable lesson someone else once said about this thing called "blogging".

We put our feelings here without the obligation to be unbiased and fair, at least for me blogging helps me to let go of constantly looking at both sides of the coin and trying to see things from the view point of others for fear of hurting them or their feelings. When I blog I only discuss the feelings I have and without the need to rationalise them as often and frustratingly detailed as I do in real life.

So even though my words may seem selfish and one sided it is because I am using this medium to validate those initial thoughts and feelings without putting them through the second, third, fourth and fifth "filter" system I have going on in my head that moderates my rationale or logic.

So on that note I would like to thank the poster for their comment and say.....The fact I used your criticism to move forward and turn something around and make it better regardless, means I AM MATURE ENOUGH to be a parent.

Wanna go home

Been ill since Thursday.

Neck pain giving me the worries, started thinking last night "what if it is a tumour or something." It is now appearing out of the blue only pain killers will make it go, not sure how much more I can stand. Period started last night.

The Zoo was nice, got to go into an Avery and hold birds, get shat on by birds and bitten by birds....Ahhhhh nature. The Kid, is rubbing me up the wrong way, but she is only being a 10 year old so cant blame her, but I have been stuck in the house with her for 3 days alone already by this point, it's putting me off wanting any the way I feel right now.

Things that are bugging me

• Being stuck in the house - knew she wouldn't get much if any time off but didn't think she would work so late
• Dog sleeping with or needing to sit in between us if there is the slightest inch of a gap, failing that, sitting on us.
• Kid getting into every conversation, I believe kids shouldn't butt into topics of conversation that do not concern them, I don't care how smart they are. Ocassionally they do but ALL the frigging time?
• The Kid gets away with not having a wash or shower everyday..WTF?

Me: " Do you want a shower now or before you go to bed tonight?".......

Kid: " My mum lets me have a shower every other day"......

Me: "Oh?!".

Put a call in to Mother and convo goes like this.....

ME: hey Hun you busy?

Mother: No, Why?

ME: Well Just wondered after what you said last night about you not taking a shower that night because you had one that morning and after what *bleep* said, i wondered if me taking a shower twice a day was costing you too much money and you were too embarrassed to tell me?"

Mother: No, what did *bleep* say?

ME: she said you let her take a shower every OTHER day.

Mother: Oh yeah, No. Water is cheap hun very cheap, Go ahead and have your showers, just I don't want to argue or stress her out about it.

WTF!!!???!!!

Now Unless your child or adult has a skin condition such as Eczema or dermatitis why would you not shower every day? Failing that, what stops you from at least getting a flannel, running soapy water in the sink and using the flannel to wash your under arms, wipe your body down and wash your arse and genitalia?? Come on people!!

Result....the Girl not had a shower now since Tuesday. Saturday morning mother doesn't even ask me when the last time her daughter bathed before she gets dressed and heads off to the Zoo.

Look I admit i don't wash everyday but here is the thing, if I am going to work i do,if I live in a hot climate I do and the only time I don't is if I am home in my jim jams all day. I think especially children need to get into good hygiene habits from an early age. the kid already has hairy legs and is shaving AT 10!!!!!!! What happens when she starts her period???

More...

• Her mother doesn't get the Kid to comb her hair everyday or every other day even.....Result? Kid has yet to comb her hair since Monday and that is only a GUESS. The child has mixed hair, not tightly curled in fact very straight compared to most I have seen. including my 13 mixed cousins. But because it is thick the mother cant be bothered to do it, It takes too long, It makes her cry, I cant yet afford $100 to get it done by a black hair stylist. Sheeesh. Why don't people think about these things before hand. Black kids have the hardest time with hair and it being combed as a kid. Do you think for one minute our parents would let us not comb our hair everyday unless it was braided??? DEAL WITH IT!! so many products out there just for this problem.
• Messy.

On one of the days I had the Kid i tidied the entire house, it was clean but a mess. Now i don't mind mess...But for Fuck sake!! If someone helps you out because ya kid says you have no time to do it then the least you could do is not step out your clothes and leave them in the middle of the room. if someone does all your dirty laundry and folds them neatly on the bed, the least you can do is not leave them there and sleep with them.

Now don't get me wrong if you want to live that way...OK, fine i can accept that. But it wont be with me.

Now I am trying to be respectful it is THEIR home not mine, i have been welcomed in it, they trusted me to be here and therefor i should respect their choices. So barring the issues with the dog I have not said a thing about how i feel about all of the above....Who am i to pass judgement or comment. The only thing is when I find someone who I like and who likes me how do you tell them the personal things about how they live that put you off/repulse you?

And worse still how do you tell a parent things like the above that would not be compatible with your idea of parenting? Especially when you have no idea what it is like being one?

Well, i guess the answer is ........You don't! hence why I am here on this blog.

Last night the kids was supposed to go to the grandparents to give us time alone for one night, Kid was dropped off at 20:30...................Back by 22;45. Allergy to grandparents Cats. Oh well Cest la vie.

Better get off now she is up and knows summin is wrong. More later.

Excuse all typos need to put this out there it's driving me nuts

Not working out

gonna make this quick...
Dont think it is gona work out, the dog is a real issue for me, we cant even sleep one night in the bed when the kid is away because of the fucking dog, i think i am gonna have to call it a day, at least until the dog kicks it which i am told wont be long....

went to zoo kid getting on my nerves, really pmsing and fed up

more tomorrow

Freak on...

OK quick update...

Daddi and I got it on and even slept together without being interupted. Daddi was truly shocked this morning!!

She has never done that before I cant believe she stayed where she was all night......

I smiled and later confessed that I had threatened her earlier in the day and suggested that if she got in the way of me getting some tonight she would be served up for dinner the following evening, I guess animals get people afterall.... Daddi rolled over and laughed planting a big kiss on me with a couple tickles added for extra measure.

So this morning when Daddi left I gave Frou loads of praise... she deserved it. Daddi says I have a sassy mouth, I guess I do but hey.... Just to make hym smile today I have cleaned the entire house from top to bottom, took Little Star out for lunch and even did some shopping. I cant wait to see hys face.....

Lil' star confessed to me today that her mum has smiled alot with me, aparently even when her mum ahs had past g/f she has not smiled as much... My heart almost melted, she also said that her mother told her that she wanted to hit it off with me... in other words she would like us to get along... hmm... So glad we had that talk about me not sure that I am ready for a relationship otherwise the pressure would be too much, I want to hang out and get to know her better first.

Hy will be home soon so logging off now to continue practicing the latest dance moves with Star, They love hip hop and r'n'b....Woohooo Oh yeah I now know how to Pop Lock and Drop..... except I cant do the drop cos my knee is fucked up LOL... so all I can do is 'Pop lock- without the drop' LOL... Now see if you can do it LOL

http://dancesfromthahood.mtv.com/clip.aspx?key=A529A900F7A17D89&ctx=feat

The story thus far.....

Sunday morning I had my braids done by the stylist that comes to my home.... she had been away for a while and I guess she was losing her touch, the braids were too big the sections to small and the end result even after making a few comments has now resulted in my very fine mixed heritage hair being pulled from the roots......

Mad? you damn right I am. I have mentioned time and time again that I cannot have such heavy braids in my hair, the first time she did my hair the style was wonderful, she is usually very good and very fast, 3-4hours for a full head, this time it took her 8 hours for twice the thickness.

It's horrible to complain when most of it is finished and well, I believe in life there are certain people you should never piss off....



Your Doctor, Your Solicitor, The chef/cook, waiter/waitress and last but by no means least.... your hair stylist



So I paid her -more than I thought she deserved in hindsight-and let her go home.



>>>>>>>>>>FAST FORWARD>>>>>>>>>



Monday morning.

I tried to get some rest so I wouldnt be too tired but I was and ended up getting a taxi to King X thames link for the London to Brighton service Via Gatwick Airport.

Got there in plenty of time so I decided to check in at 06:45, my flight was not until 10:30 but I wanted to try and get the 'Bulk head' or an 'Exit' seat as my legs are so long and on such a long flight I was sure to be uncomfortable with anything else. It didnt work, I lucked out on this trip.



So as it was I sat in my little aisle seat behind a man who insisted on pushing back in the seat to get comfortable, I did kindly ask him at the begining of the flight if he would mind not doing so but he obvioulsy was a dick and he did it anyway....My poor knees.
To make it worse I was dehydrating rapidly, I didnt think to buy a bottle of water at the airport, with all the new regulations and security measures it didnt occure to me that as long as you purchased the food or beverage at the airport AFTER you checked in and got through the departure lounge then it was ok.



So there I sat in the bucket seat, leg cramping up, dehydrating and very emotional due to impending period compounded with hyper sensitivity. It was all started off by a rather abrupt and miserable flight attendant who snapped at me on my way back from the loo because I had brushed passed her hair as she was bending down- the truth is I hardly felt it and due to trying to avoid crashing into a toddler walking freely separated from his mother and the fact that the plane just did a bit of a dip I lost my balance and swerved a little in her direction as she was bent over looking into her luggage.... no doubt to reapply her heavy war paint to the Rhino hide face she had inherited. *Meaooooow*



I duly apologised but that just didnt make a difference, then to make my journey all the more pleasant my neck ache started, out of the blue, I was sure I had packed my pain killers but I couldnt find them so even though I knew that onboard a pane the chances of me getting a pain killer was not as big as the flight attendant's beufont, I asked her anyway only to be answered rather abruptly without so much of a 'can I get you a hot drink? or a cold compress?" fucking WITCH!!



Being dehydrated I decided I needed to ask for some water... I was not about to ask the WITCH anything again, so I managed to get 3 cupsof water an orange juice and a hot tea during the entire flight and I truly wish I had not bothered. Every damn 15-20 mins I had to use the loo, my fibroids have a way of reminding me they are there and going no where anytime soon.

I think due to my uterus getting swollen the fibroids are being pushed closer to my bladder, May need that free sample of TENA Lady afterall.

It was all in all very embarassing trying to avoid the looks from people in my vacinity of the plane due to the fact I couldnt contain myself. Finally with just 40 mins to go till we landed in Charlotte North Carolina I decided to exact revenge and fight back against my body to hold my pee till we landed, That's a lose lose situation I'll tell ya.

I was so tired, emotional and in so much pain from the legs the neck and also my uncomfortably full bladder I just sat and cried silently with my had down trying to make the best of the worst flight I have ever had in my life.



Landed in Charlotte North Carolina and needed the loo desperately. Went through customs smoothly after a few expertly probing questions from an official...Why is it even when you are not guilty you feel like you are!?! I felt like a 'mule', finally I get through another set of security areas and board the second plane to my final destination...



I am competely oblivious to the people around me as I try to look for the 'Baggage claim' section and I hear my name called out, the voice is familiar, for a hot minute my eyes searched through the people and I see hym, leaning against a wall in an open Khaki coloured shirt with a white t-shirt underneath, biege 3/4 length combat shorts and crisp white trainers. Standing beside hyr is Star, looking at me with a big smile on her face. I hug them both and collect my luggage after exchanging pleasantries and a few admiring glances.

>>>>>>>>Fast Forward>>>>>>>

We grab a pizza as it is late by the time we get to the house and we settle down to talk for a little while before Star is sent to bed for her big day at "work" the following morning.

We just sit and look at eachother for a while, my stomach flips as her green eyes stare at me, not smiling but desiring. We unfold and pump up the airbed - she lives in a one bedroom apartment for the time being and her daughter has the bedroom-after sorting the bed out my heart starts to race as I make my way to the shower to get freshened up and ready to collapse, secretly and defiantly wanting to betray the natural urge to sleep only to be able to stay up long enough to observe what might transpire between us next...... Tipota... Nothing.



That night she sleeps on the couch like a true gentlmyn and after talking a little more and exchanging "God, I want you" glances hy bids me good night, my heart sinks... Serves me right though. I am restless and my sleep is fitful, keep waking up feeling very aroused only to turn over and see hy is still on the couch fast asleep.....maybe hy doesnt want me afterall.....



We finally wake up at 6am to get Star off to her meeting point and as they leave knowing it will take only 20min before hy returns I race to the bathroom to freshen up, brush my teeth, adjust my headscarf and pack away the airbed to sit seductively on the couch... managing to grab the pooch to complete the picture just before I hear the keys in the door. Hy comes back with 2 hours to spare before work. I make some room on the couch and we sit at opposit ends body language saying a lot.



We talk about spiritual experiences and perspectives, just the type of light conversation you want first thing in the morning, I think we were just both nervous, hy keeps looking at me with those green eyes and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I feel so comfortable being here, almost like it is exactly where I have always been.



Hy gets ready for work and I get a quick peck on the lips, we both stand there embracing eachother for a hot minute, both of us wanting more but knowing we need to move on, time is not on our side. It was awkward prior to the kiss, we are like teenagers both wanting to do it yet not sure if the timing is right, both of us wondering how this "goodbye" is going to go.... I later find out hy created that feeling on purpose to tease me. I like hym more.



>>>>>>Fast Forward>>>>>>

I cook dinner like the helpful house guest I am and entertain Star for a little while when she arrives home from "work".



Hy comes home, we all chat for a while and decide to get an early night. I offer the other side of the mattress to hym and hy accepts, RESULT!!

Except one thing........ As we get comfortable the dog decides to get in the middle for a snuggle of her own.. HELL NO!!! Those who know me know that I love animals but I wont tolerate animals on or in the bed. I felt so awkward and digusted but I kept quiet for a little while then I felt that I had to say something so I gently said that I was not ok with the dog sleeping in the bed and that it was something that I would need time to adjust to..... NOW I knew full well that I would never "adjust" to having a dog or cat sleep on the bed but I wanted to not come across as aggressive or insulting about my position, afterall I am in their house and she is obvioulsy used to this behaviour and treatment.



Now dont get me wrong, I do fully understand that a pet is for most people the only consistent loving companion in their lives, many of them last longer than the longest relationship and Daddi and Frou have been buddies for 15 years before and after Daddi got sober 12 years ago but I truly believe that animals, as lovely as they are, are animals and they lick their own arses, the arses of other dogs, sometimes eat their own shit, lick their genitalia and generally walk in crap outside, you will never get me allowing a pet to lick my face or sleep in MY sleeping quaters.



This does not mean I dont give love or affection, on the contrary, I hug them, I am able to sit with them and I even talk to them and treat them with love and respect but the fact remains that as clean and "hygienic" as they might be, the level of hygiene in animals and humans are very different, the acceptable bacteria and forms of bacteria are different.



Now it gets me to thinking, in part it must be a cultural thing as well as a personal preference thing, I have yet to date a woman of colour who sleeps with her pets, in our community as a whole, it is not acceptable and frowned upon. Not saying that certain individuals of an ethnic background do not do this but in my experience it tends to be mainly women from western countries....... ok dammit I will say what I mean... White women, as much as I have no issues dating women of other races at all, in fact most of the women I date so happen to be white, the one constant thing I have had come up numerous times and what has contributed to even being turned down is that most, not all, of the white women I have dated wouldnt think twice about sharing themselves intimately with their pets.

It is something I just dont agree with.Hygiene is something I am steadfast about and even though I can see why such bonds are formed it does not excuse it, so instead of making a woman choose between her pet companion and me in the past I would rather leave and move on.

So.... There I am laying on this bed feeling awful, I have just told this woman that I am not comfortable with this and she has decided to sleep on the couch....WITH the dog. Now I thought maybe she just didnt want to be with me and was trying to turn me off... dammit it worked.
I was angry that she decided in that moment to go and sleep on the couch and leave me hanging, especially after our raunchy conversation on her office phone earlier in the day and the sexy story she had me read to get me in "the mood" for when she got home I felt majorly rejected and I had to get up and take time out in the bathroom, due to the hormones I had a little cry and tried to rationalise the situation in my head. I hate crying, it's usually because I am premenstrual why I do.

I get back in bed and dammit I cant sleep... I am so wound up and disappointed in all in one fail swoop I just lay there feeling like crap because I have also hurt hys feelings and I lost out.

The morning was tense, I tried to make small talk and act natural but hy was cranky from having a bad nights sleep obvioulsy stumped as to what to do about the imposing mut.

I decided in my mind that I was not going to let it spoil the trip and that I would leave it to hym to figure it out, and unfortunately I would have to stay put and silently give the ultimatum... either you make the pooch sleep somewhere else or you dont get any..... Blackmail? NO... simply me putting my foot down and validating my feelings as well as hys, for heavens sake it is not like I am saying get rid of the dog or me....



I make a couple poignant remarks and kiss Daddi on the cheek and usher hym through the door off to work thinking.... 'You go figure out what to do with your pooch'..... But I didnt say it.

Little Star is home today, she is not feeling so good.... not enough sleep that's why, so I agreed to allowing her to stay home with me, I dont mind she is a good kid and providing she doesnt build a camp fire in the house I am good letting her do her thing, making sure she eats and is ok.

Daddi called me whilst typing this and we had a chat about last night, hy agreed that it was an uncomfortable situation for us both and that it took a while before hys Ex got around it, I assured hym that I would'nt, as much as I respect the position this pet has as part of the family, I wouldnt be budging.



Hy said hy understood and admitted hy did'nt know what to do and stated jokingly that the dog didnt have much longer to live if it was any consolation.... NO It IS NOT!! If this dog died whilst I was here especially after last night I would definately feel terrible and guilty. I dont want the dog to die I just want the dog the have a place to sleep that is not with me.



I said that if Daddi wanted to "get any" hy would have to sort something out. Hy said that when hy does get- I quote...- Hys " freak on" the pooch knows when to stay away and finds somewhere else to sleep.... I made it clear that there was no way that I would be getting it on and then sharing the bed with said gate crasher post orgasm.



So there it is left...... I am not talking to the dog today and unless Daddi does something and puts hys foot down I wont be talking to hym either and hy will be spending every night on the couch and not so much of a kiss on the lips...... Yes I am giving an ultimatum this time because now I think I am past caring, they have to meet me half way Dammit.

God I am so dehydrated it is awful, my skin feels like sand paper no matter how much moisturiser I put on and my throat feels like the Sahara in a sand storm. flipping Air conditioning.



Off to finish the rest of the raunchy butch/femme story Daddi gave me to read..... In hope that tonight I will be able to satiate my desire. Daddi later confessed that hy fancied me and just wanted to be a gentlmyn not pouncing on my the first night, but last night hy was more than ready and he lay awake feeling angry with Frou for sticking a spanner in the works but tonight will be different. I teased like a naughty girl and mocked Daddi.



Hy said I will pay for it later.....