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Well It's been a roller coaster ride the past two weeks, as if my life isn't usually (insert eye roll here) .
I have just arrived home and I am shattered, laden with gifts and talismans, pictures, Fertility stones, memorabilia and emotions.

Due to the pain in my neck and also a itchy sore rash that had developed since I was unwell with that "cold" I rushed to the doctors today and it turns out I am suffering from shingles hence the rash and the "cold", the doctor gave me some cream to apply 5 times a day, the neck pain is yet unknown so I have been given super pain killers and anti inflammatory pills that I have to take 3 times a day and due to go back in a fortnight for a check up.

This doctor is really nice and was the one who put me forward for the fertility treatment, he asked how I was doing and we had a chat, he thinks I am suffering from depression after he asked me a few questions and talked about my slepping patterns etc blah blah and has arranged for me to see a therapist and start Cognitive Analytical therapy again (CAT), I am due to see the dietician about my weight loss next Tuesday.

The doctor said when asked that the shingles could haven been due to stress and exhaustion amongst other things... I figured that made sense.

The flight back was as hideous as the flight there, the loos were not working right, the in flight entertainment was on the blink and I was squashed between two's

(saw the wine in the local supermarket and had to take a picture)

......Who snored like troopers, took up all the room and both arm rests. I got no sleep the entire flight, the air stewards talked loudly amongst themselves about divorce, flights to Singapore, and the changing style of the US AIRWAYS uniform and how many limited edition scarves they accumulated to sell on to others, also not forgetting to mention that whilst the captain was talking to the passengers and giving us information they talked over him making it hard to hear updates. So needless to say I was cranky all the way home.

The last week of being in Florida was wonderful after our talk Daddi stepped up hys game and we did things and connected better, we discussed some deep topics and really got to know each other better. In Daddi's true spiritual way we both were able to see the positive in the hiccups and repressed feelings that arose during the first week.

And not forgetting to mention the sex was great *ahem*, the conversation was enlightening and stimulating and I think we gained more respect for each other, I met the parents and went Halloween shopping with Little Star, spent the day at the Beach and generally enjoyed my last week to the fullest.

I have a slightly different perspective on things and my life as well as acknowledgements of the things I need to work on. I was also given a handful of stones said to help with fertility that they bought for me before I arrived along with a giant rose Quartz crystal.

CARNELIAN: red-orange, yellow, brown
Promotes action, courage, helpfulness; stops confusion, inner attunement, cleanses, purifies, opens the heart, lifts emotions, protects from envy and fear and provides perceptiveness. Aids healing in the areas of gall bladder, kidney function, infertility, rheumatism and relieving cramps; stimulates the absorption of vitamins; ensures good blood circulation.

CHRYSOCOLLA: green to turquoise
Soothing and relaxing; promotes patience, flexibility, self-awareness, acceptance of change; and encourages clarity. Aids healing in the areas of infections (particularly throat and tonsils), digestion, and liver function; reduces fever; heals burns faster; lowers blood pressure.

GARNET: usually red, also found in green, brown, black, pink, orange and yellow
Promotes new beginnings, sexuality, prosperity; ends crisis; helps cope with daily problems; feminine strength, compassion, courage, attraction; eliminates energy blocks and taboos; encourages self-confidence and creativity. Aids healing in the areas of cell regeneration, immune system, arthritis and bones; accelerates wound healing, stimulates metabolism and circulation; anti inflammatory.

SUNSTONE: orange, brown iridescent
Promotes leadership, self-worth, good luck, optimism, desire for action; anti-depressant. Stimulates self-healing powers.

And the large one (as big as my hand and I have big hands) daddi gave me from his personal collection.

ROSE QUARTZ: pink
Rose Quartz is the stone of "gentle love" bringing peacefulness and calm. It also promotes beauty, purification, recovery, angelic dreams, well being, self-love, self confidence, romance and sensuality. Aids healing in the areas of depression, blood circulation, heart fortification, sexual problems and encourages fertility.

Hy is really caring and thoughtful.. Thanks Daddi. xx

Saying goodbye at the airport was hard, we took silly pictures together and generally made the best of the time we had left, as we were hugging our final goodbyes at the departure gate James Morrison's 'Undiscovered' played on in the background and we both giggled at the coincidence. One of the first things I sent Daddi in the beginning of our getting to know you stage was a link to the You tube video of this song and basically said this was me, I'm not lost, just undiscovered.

Daddi is coming to the UK for my 30th Birthday.

Here Birdie birdie.....

I must say though I thought the USA was bizarre with regards to many things, I forgot how hell bent they are on making people Fat.

The food is salty, the sugar content in everything including bread was shocking to my taste buds, they put butter on almost everything and generally it is no wonder they are overweight, I mean, we have our issues here too I know but not once did I see an advert/infommercial promoting the 5 a day lifestyle or to drink more water. There food is deep fried and mostly processed... I wonder what other parts of the US are like regarding this?

I never missed the UK so much in my life, I missed my juicer, they all drink soda and so had to buy water as daddi is not really that healthy much to my disappointment but ahh well. I missed my veg and had to constantly remind hym to take me to the store to get veg and fruit. When I finally had a balanced meal of cous cous and veg, my taste buds went crazy and my energy levels went through the roof.

The most shocking thing about the US for me so far was their infommercials promoting medication and drugs with sometimes fatal side affects and the amount of drugs that were being promoted but not even FDA approved and stated so or ommitted to state, basically telling the viewer take at your own risk...of death or the condition worsening.

Try to imagine turning on your tv screen to see an advert promoting a new product to help cure allergies and hay fever etc which you are in much need of as the old med is not working only to then hear the voice over state that-and I quote....

May cause temporary blindness, cataracts, eye and or
nasal infection, dizziness, headaches and rash.

WTF!?!

It doesnt end there, they currently have a new razor out that is said to be the best razor yet and if you order now they will send you a second one half price with a free butchers knife WTF!?!

Sheeesh!!!

I would go again though I woud just know better and try harder to shop at the irght places now I know where to go ...just have to get driving again.

Anyway.... before I go I wanted to share with you an artist I am keeping my eye on, you can find her Myspace page on my list of pages I like to visit, I think her voice is amazing and so far this is my fave song.

Food for thought

I received a comment on my last post from Anonymous.

Just wanted to say that, that comment helped me more than you will know. I have since looked at my self and my behaviour and expectations and made steps to talk about them with Daddi and thanks to that person and OUR communication skills, Daddi and I talked about all of the issues highlighted in the last post.

They have just gone out to get dinner and I wanted to let you know we are back on track, we have been talking for hours and understanding each other. I am really happy that I was able to accept the criticism that I got and use it to change something. Now we are going to move forward and have promised to always talk even if we do not like what the other says we should talk anyway. I would also like to take this opportunity to say that I have also learnt first hand another very valuable lesson someone else once said about this thing called "blogging".

We put our feelings here without the obligation to be unbiased and fair, at least for me blogging helps me to let go of constantly looking at both sides of the coin and trying to see things from the view point of others for fear of hurting them or their feelings. When I blog I only discuss the feelings I have and without the need to rationalise them as often and frustratingly detailed as I do in real life.

So even though my words may seem selfish and one sided it is because I am using this medium to validate those initial thoughts and feelings without putting them through the second, third, fourth and fifth "filter" system I have going on in my head that moderates my rationale or logic.

So on that note I would like to thank the poster for their comment and say.....The fact I used your criticism to move forward and turn something around and make it better regardless, means I AM MATURE ENOUGH to be a parent.

Wanna go home

Been ill since Thursday.

Neck pain giving me the worries, started thinking last night "what if it is a tumour or something." It is now appearing out of the blue only pain killers will make it go, not sure how much more I can stand. Period started last night.

The Zoo was nice, got to go into an Avery and hold birds, get shat on by birds and bitten by birds....Ahhhhh nature. The Kid, is rubbing me up the wrong way, but she is only being a 10 year old so cant blame her, but I have been stuck in the house with her for 3 days alone already by this point, it's putting me off wanting any the way I feel right now.

Things that are bugging me

• Being stuck in the house - knew she wouldn't get much if any time off but didn't think she would work so late
• Dog sleeping with or needing to sit in between us if there is the slightest inch of a gap, failing that, sitting on us.
• Kid getting into every conversation, I believe kids shouldn't butt into topics of conversation that do not concern them, I don't care how smart they are. Ocassionally they do but ALL the frigging time?
• The Kid gets away with not having a wash or shower everyday..WTF?

Me: " Do you want a shower now or before you go to bed tonight?".......

Kid: " My mum lets me have a shower every other day"......

Me: "Oh?!".

Put a call in to Mother and convo goes like this.....

ME: hey Hun you busy?

Mother: No, Why?

ME: Well Just wondered after what you said last night about you not taking a shower that night because you had one that morning and after what *bleep* said, i wondered if me taking a shower twice a day was costing you too much money and you were too embarrassed to tell me?"

Mother: No, what did *bleep* say?

ME: she said you let her take a shower every OTHER day.

Mother: Oh yeah, No. Water is cheap hun very cheap, Go ahead and have your showers, just I don't want to argue or stress her out about it.

WTF!!!???!!!

Now Unless your child or adult has a skin condition such as Eczema or dermatitis why would you not shower every day? Failing that, what stops you from at least getting a flannel, running soapy water in the sink and using the flannel to wash your under arms, wipe your body down and wash your arse and genitalia?? Come on people!!

Result....the Girl not had a shower now since Tuesday. Saturday morning mother doesn't even ask me when the last time her daughter bathed before she gets dressed and heads off to the Zoo.

Look I admit i don't wash everyday but here is the thing, if I am going to work i do,if I live in a hot climate I do and the only time I don't is if I am home in my jim jams all day. I think especially children need to get into good hygiene habits from an early age. the kid already has hairy legs and is shaving AT 10!!!!!!! What happens when she starts her period???

More...

• Her mother doesn't get the Kid to comb her hair everyday or every other day even.....Result? Kid has yet to comb her hair since Monday and that is only a GUESS. The child has mixed hair, not tightly curled in fact very straight compared to most I have seen. including my 13 mixed cousins. But because it is thick the mother cant be bothered to do it, It takes too long, It makes her cry, I cant yet afford $100 to get it done by a black hair stylist. Sheeesh. Why don't people think about these things before hand. Black kids have the hardest time with hair and it being combed as a kid. Do you think for one minute our parents would let us not comb our hair everyday unless it was braided??? DEAL WITH IT!! so many products out there just for this problem.
• Messy.

On one of the days I had the Kid i tidied the entire house, it was clean but a mess. Now i don't mind mess...But for Fuck sake!! If someone helps you out because ya kid says you have no time to do it then the least you could do is not step out your clothes and leave them in the middle of the room. if someone does all your dirty laundry and folds them neatly on the bed, the least you can do is not leave them there and sleep with them.

Now don't get me wrong if you want to live that way...OK, fine i can accept that. But it wont be with me.

Now I am trying to be respectful it is THEIR home not mine, i have been welcomed in it, they trusted me to be here and therefor i should respect their choices. So barring the issues with the dog I have not said a thing about how i feel about all of the above....Who am i to pass judgement or comment. The only thing is when I find someone who I like and who likes me how do you tell them the personal things about how they live that put you off/repulse you?

And worse still how do you tell a parent things like the above that would not be compatible with your idea of parenting? Especially when you have no idea what it is like being one?

Well, i guess the answer is ........You don't! hence why I am here on this blog.

Last night the kids was supposed to go to the grandparents to give us time alone for one night, Kid was dropped off at 20:30...................Back by 22;45. Allergy to grandparents Cats. Oh well Cest la vie.

Better get off now she is up and knows summin is wrong. More later.

Excuse all typos need to put this out there it's driving me nuts

Not working out

gonna make this quick...
Dont think it is gona work out, the dog is a real issue for me, we cant even sleep one night in the bed when the kid is away because of the fucking dog, i think i am gonna have to call it a day, at least until the dog kicks it which i am told wont be long....

went to zoo kid getting on my nerves, really pmsing and fed up

more tomorrow

Freak on...

OK quick update...

Daddi and I got it on and even slept together without being interupted. Daddi was truly shocked this morning!!

She has never done that before I cant believe she stayed where she was all night......

I smiled and later confessed that I had threatened her earlier in the day and suggested that if she got in the way of me getting some tonight she would be served up for dinner the following evening, I guess animals get people afterall.... Daddi rolled over and laughed planting a big kiss on me with a couple tickles added for extra measure.

So this morning when Daddi left I gave Frou loads of praise... she deserved it. Daddi says I have a sassy mouth, I guess I do but hey.... Just to make hym smile today I have cleaned the entire house from top to bottom, took Little Star out for lunch and even did some shopping. I cant wait to see hys face.....

Lil' star confessed to me today that her mum has smiled alot with me, aparently even when her mum ahs had past g/f she has not smiled as much... My heart almost melted, she also said that her mother told her that she wanted to hit it off with me... in other words she would like us to get along... hmm... So glad we had that talk about me not sure that I am ready for a relationship otherwise the pressure would be too much, I want to hang out and get to know her better first.

Hy will be home soon so logging off now to continue practicing the latest dance moves with Star, They love hip hop and r'n'b....Woohooo Oh yeah I now know how to Pop Lock and Drop..... except I cant do the drop cos my knee is fucked up LOL... so all I can do is 'Pop lock- without the drop' LOL... Now see if you can do it LOL

http://dancesfromthahood.mtv.com/clip.aspx?key=A529A900F7A17D89&ctx=feat

The story thus far.....

Sunday morning I had my braids done by the stylist that comes to my home.... she had been away for a while and I guess she was losing her touch, the braids were too big the sections to small and the end result even after making a few comments has now resulted in my very fine mixed heritage hair being pulled from the roots......

Mad? you damn right I am. I have mentioned time and time again that I cannot have such heavy braids in my hair, the first time she did my hair the style was wonderful, she is usually very good and very fast, 3-4hours for a full head, this time it took her 8 hours for twice the thickness.

It's horrible to complain when most of it is finished and well, I believe in life there are certain people you should never piss off....



Your Doctor, Your Solicitor, The chef/cook, waiter/waitress and last but by no means least.... your hair stylist



So I paid her -more than I thought she deserved in hindsight-and let her go home.



>>>>>>>>>>FAST FORWARD>>>>>>>>>



Monday morning.

I tried to get some rest so I wouldnt be too tired but I was and ended up getting a taxi to King X thames link for the London to Brighton service Via Gatwick Airport.

Got there in plenty of time so I decided to check in at 06:45, my flight was not until 10:30 but I wanted to try and get the 'Bulk head' or an 'Exit' seat as my legs are so long and on such a long flight I was sure to be uncomfortable with anything else. It didnt work, I lucked out on this trip.



So as it was I sat in my little aisle seat behind a man who insisted on pushing back in the seat to get comfortable, I did kindly ask him at the begining of the flight if he would mind not doing so but he obvioulsy was a dick and he did it anyway....My poor knees.
To make it worse I was dehydrating rapidly, I didnt think to buy a bottle of water at the airport, with all the new regulations and security measures it didnt occure to me that as long as you purchased the food or beverage at the airport AFTER you checked in and got through the departure lounge then it was ok.



So there I sat in the bucket seat, leg cramping up, dehydrating and very emotional due to impending period compounded with hyper sensitivity. It was all started off by a rather abrupt and miserable flight attendant who snapped at me on my way back from the loo because I had brushed passed her hair as she was bending down- the truth is I hardly felt it and due to trying to avoid crashing into a toddler walking freely separated from his mother and the fact that the plane just did a bit of a dip I lost my balance and swerved a little in her direction as she was bent over looking into her luggage.... no doubt to reapply her heavy war paint to the Rhino hide face she had inherited. *Meaooooow*



I duly apologised but that just didnt make a difference, then to make my journey all the more pleasant my neck ache started, out of the blue, I was sure I had packed my pain killers but I couldnt find them so even though I knew that onboard a pane the chances of me getting a pain killer was not as big as the flight attendant's beufont, I asked her anyway only to be answered rather abruptly without so much of a 'can I get you a hot drink? or a cold compress?" fucking WITCH!!



Being dehydrated I decided I needed to ask for some water... I was not about to ask the WITCH anything again, so I managed to get 3 cupsof water an orange juice and a hot tea during the entire flight and I truly wish I had not bothered. Every damn 15-20 mins I had to use the loo, my fibroids have a way of reminding me they are there and going no where anytime soon.

I think due to my uterus getting swollen the fibroids are being pushed closer to my bladder, May need that free sample of TENA Lady afterall.

It was all in all very embarassing trying to avoid the looks from people in my vacinity of the plane due to the fact I couldnt contain myself. Finally with just 40 mins to go till we landed in Charlotte North Carolina I decided to exact revenge and fight back against my body to hold my pee till we landed, That's a lose lose situation I'll tell ya.

I was so tired, emotional and in so much pain from the legs the neck and also my uncomfortably full bladder I just sat and cried silently with my had down trying to make the best of the worst flight I have ever had in my life.



Landed in Charlotte North Carolina and needed the loo desperately. Went through customs smoothly after a few expertly probing questions from an official...Why is it even when you are not guilty you feel like you are!?! I felt like a 'mule', finally I get through another set of security areas and board the second plane to my final destination...



I am competely oblivious to the people around me as I try to look for the 'Baggage claim' section and I hear my name called out, the voice is familiar, for a hot minute my eyes searched through the people and I see hym, leaning against a wall in an open Khaki coloured shirt with a white t-shirt underneath, biege 3/4 length combat shorts and crisp white trainers. Standing beside hyr is Star, looking at me with a big smile on her face. I hug them both and collect my luggage after exchanging pleasantries and a few admiring glances.

>>>>>>>>Fast Forward>>>>>>>

We grab a pizza as it is late by the time we get to the house and we settle down to talk for a little while before Star is sent to bed for her big day at "work" the following morning.

We just sit and look at eachother for a while, my stomach flips as her green eyes stare at me, not smiling but desiring. We unfold and pump up the airbed - she lives in a one bedroom apartment for the time being and her daughter has the bedroom-after sorting the bed out my heart starts to race as I make my way to the shower to get freshened up and ready to collapse, secretly and defiantly wanting to betray the natural urge to sleep only to be able to stay up long enough to observe what might transpire between us next...... Tipota... Nothing.



That night she sleeps on the couch like a true gentlmyn and after talking a little more and exchanging "God, I want you" glances hy bids me good night, my heart sinks... Serves me right though. I am restless and my sleep is fitful, keep waking up feeling very aroused only to turn over and see hy is still on the couch fast asleep.....maybe hy doesnt want me afterall.....



We finally wake up at 6am to get Star off to her meeting point and as they leave knowing it will take only 20min before hy returns I race to the bathroom to freshen up, brush my teeth, adjust my headscarf and pack away the airbed to sit seductively on the couch... managing to grab the pooch to complete the picture just before I hear the keys in the door. Hy comes back with 2 hours to spare before work. I make some room on the couch and we sit at opposit ends body language saying a lot.



We talk about spiritual experiences and perspectives, just the type of light conversation you want first thing in the morning, I think we were just both nervous, hy keeps looking at me with those green eyes and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I feel so comfortable being here, almost like it is exactly where I have always been.



Hy gets ready for work and I get a quick peck on the lips, we both stand there embracing eachother for a hot minute, both of us wanting more but knowing we need to move on, time is not on our side. It was awkward prior to the kiss, we are like teenagers both wanting to do it yet not sure if the timing is right, both of us wondering how this "goodbye" is going to go.... I later find out hy created that feeling on purpose to tease me. I like hym more.



>>>>>>Fast Forward>>>>>>

I cook dinner like the helpful house guest I am and entertain Star for a little while when she arrives home from "work".



Hy comes home, we all chat for a while and decide to get an early night. I offer the other side of the mattress to hym and hy accepts, RESULT!!

Except one thing........ As we get comfortable the dog decides to get in the middle for a snuggle of her own.. HELL NO!!! Those who know me know that I love animals but I wont tolerate animals on or in the bed. I felt so awkward and digusted but I kept quiet for a little while then I felt that I had to say something so I gently said that I was not ok with the dog sleeping in the bed and that it was something that I would need time to adjust to..... NOW I knew full well that I would never "adjust" to having a dog or cat sleep on the bed but I wanted to not come across as aggressive or insulting about my position, afterall I am in their house and she is obvioulsy used to this behaviour and treatment.



Now dont get me wrong, I do fully understand that a pet is for most people the only consistent loving companion in their lives, many of them last longer than the longest relationship and Daddi and Frou have been buddies for 15 years before and after Daddi got sober 12 years ago but I truly believe that animals, as lovely as they are, are animals and they lick their own arses, the arses of other dogs, sometimes eat their own shit, lick their genitalia and generally walk in crap outside, you will never get me allowing a pet to lick my face or sleep in MY sleeping quaters.



This does not mean I dont give love or affection, on the contrary, I hug them, I am able to sit with them and I even talk to them and treat them with love and respect but the fact remains that as clean and "hygienic" as they might be, the level of hygiene in animals and humans are very different, the acceptable bacteria and forms of bacteria are different.



Now it gets me to thinking, in part it must be a cultural thing as well as a personal preference thing, I have yet to date a woman of colour who sleeps with her pets, in our community as a whole, it is not acceptable and frowned upon. Not saying that certain individuals of an ethnic background do not do this but in my experience it tends to be mainly women from western countries....... ok dammit I will say what I mean... White women, as much as I have no issues dating women of other races at all, in fact most of the women I date so happen to be white, the one constant thing I have had come up numerous times and what has contributed to even being turned down is that most, not all, of the white women I have dated wouldnt think twice about sharing themselves intimately with their pets.

It is something I just dont agree with.Hygiene is something I am steadfast about and even though I can see why such bonds are formed it does not excuse it, so instead of making a woman choose between her pet companion and me in the past I would rather leave and move on.

So.... There I am laying on this bed feeling awful, I have just told this woman that I am not comfortable with this and she has decided to sleep on the couch....WITH the dog. Now I thought maybe she just didnt want to be with me and was trying to turn me off... dammit it worked.
I was angry that she decided in that moment to go and sleep on the couch and leave me hanging, especially after our raunchy conversation on her office phone earlier in the day and the sexy story she had me read to get me in "the mood" for when she got home I felt majorly rejected and I had to get up and take time out in the bathroom, due to the hormones I had a little cry and tried to rationalise the situation in my head. I hate crying, it's usually because I am premenstrual why I do.

I get back in bed and dammit I cant sleep... I am so wound up and disappointed in all in one fail swoop I just lay there feeling like crap because I have also hurt hys feelings and I lost out.

The morning was tense, I tried to make small talk and act natural but hy was cranky from having a bad nights sleep obvioulsy stumped as to what to do about the imposing mut.

I decided in my mind that I was not going to let it spoil the trip and that I would leave it to hym to figure it out, and unfortunately I would have to stay put and silently give the ultimatum... either you make the pooch sleep somewhere else or you dont get any..... Blackmail? NO... simply me putting my foot down and validating my feelings as well as hys, for heavens sake it is not like I am saying get rid of the dog or me....



I make a couple poignant remarks and kiss Daddi on the cheek and usher hym through the door off to work thinking.... 'You go figure out what to do with your pooch'..... But I didnt say it.

Little Star is home today, she is not feeling so good.... not enough sleep that's why, so I agreed to allowing her to stay home with me, I dont mind she is a good kid and providing she doesnt build a camp fire in the house I am good letting her do her thing, making sure she eats and is ok.

Daddi called me whilst typing this and we had a chat about last night, hy agreed that it was an uncomfortable situation for us both and that it took a while before hys Ex got around it, I assured hym that I would'nt, as much as I respect the position this pet has as part of the family, I wouldnt be budging.



Hy said hy understood and admitted hy did'nt know what to do and stated jokingly that the dog didnt have much longer to live if it was any consolation.... NO It IS NOT!! If this dog died whilst I was here especially after last night I would definately feel terrible and guilty. I dont want the dog to die I just want the dog the have a place to sleep that is not with me.



I said that if Daddi wanted to "get any" hy would have to sort something out. Hy said that when hy does get- I quote...- Hys " freak on" the pooch knows when to stay away and finds somewhere else to sleep.... I made it clear that there was no way that I would be getting it on and then sharing the bed with said gate crasher post orgasm.



So there it is left...... I am not talking to the dog today and unless Daddi does something and puts hys foot down I wont be talking to hym either and hy will be spending every night on the couch and not so much of a kiss on the lips...... Yes I am giving an ultimatum this time because now I think I am past caring, they have to meet me half way Dammit.

God I am so dehydrated it is awful, my skin feels like sand paper no matter how much moisturiser I put on and my throat feels like the Sahara in a sand storm. flipping Air conditioning.



Off to finish the rest of the raunchy butch/femme story Daddi gave me to read..... In hope that tonight I will be able to satiate my desire. Daddi later confessed that hy fancied me and just wanted to be a gentlmyn not pouncing on my the first night, but last night hy was more than ready and he lay awake feeling angry with Frou for sticking a spanner in the works but tonight will be different. I teased like a naughty girl and mocked Daddi.



Hy said I will pay for it later.....

5 Hours Behind....

Hey

I am just checking in as I arrived yesterday but I didn't fair too well on the travelling and the connecting flight and stuff so taking today to chill out and get some more sleep as Daddi and offspring are out at work and school, well I will call her STAR, today she is on a field trip and guess what??.....

They have this mini village here that the kids get to go and learn at how to be Cashiers, Managers, Bank clerks and the such, so for the day they get to go to "work"....How cool is that!! The shops are exact replicas of the real shops, banks etc

They even teach them how to write cheques and handle money and about business, this is all part of the school curriculum. Star is a darling, she is mixed race beautiful eyes and features just like her Mum, you definitely know who her mother is looking at them.

I am spending the day to get better sleep and playing video games and playing with the miniature poodle called 'Frou'. Yeah a butch with a poodle... I know.. long story and to be honest it is not mine to tell so....Let's just laugh out loud at the irony. :o) LOL

I will give you an update later and also tell you what the argument was all about.

But for now, I am here and going to rest today.

Thank You...

Morning,

It's 05:42am....why am I up? well I woke up with that neck stiffness again. I had a good nights sleep last night and thought I'd sorted the problem but evidently not. I am not sure if this is stress related.

Anyway I woke up at about 04:45am and decided to root out the muscle relaxant/anti inflamatory tabs I had been given a few months back to maybe do the trick......WELL... it was obviously not a few months back, I rooted around in that draw you know the one you always keep shit in for a "rainy day" because you are a secret hoarder located in the kitchen? only to find it expired in May of this year.....Not advisable to take so I didnt but I did look in my book 'Before you Call the Doctor' By the people's favourite doctor. Dr. Hilary Jones. (God that's a 'Faggoty Arse Faggots' name if ever I heard one.....Just messing)

Picked this book up in Matalan about 4 months ago for about £3....So I consulted the almanac and decided that my symptom was not included in its entirity so I called NHS DIRECT.... In case ya wondering it's a fabulous service. (0845 46 47... hey look ya never know).

After going through a few questions it was determined I try taking pain killers, which believe it or not I had yet to do. Not because I am one of the 7 dwarfs but simply because being a stiffness in the neck - and now a mild ear ache - I didnt want to be numb to the pain incase I worsened the condition without being able to feel it.

Anyway on the advice I was given by the nurse I am going to look for some Ibuprofen...lets hope it's not in the same draw (eek - exp 10/2000 LOL just kidding). I also didnt hang up without expressing my appreciation for the people doing this service around the clock so -mild hypercondriac- people like me can sleep well at night not worrying.

Yes the NHS fucks up but you know what!?!.. In my experience between the 24 hour emergency doctor, 24hour NHS direct helpline (where you get to speak to a trained nurse) and the NHS drop in centre open from 08:30am-...wait for it.........22:00PM I am happy with the service I get. I am also aware this is not the case for everyone around the counry but I have to give credit where credit is due.

OK the birds are starting to sing now so I am going to end this with saying what I orginally started this post to say....

Thank you to all the people who read and comment on my Blog, I am still new to this and not sure if I reply on your blog to things you have said on mine, if I reply on MY blog to things you have said on mine or if I simply just publish them. So Just to show my appreciation (and confusion) I thought I would start a post just to thank all the past, present and future readers/comment posters of my Blog. It's is the fact you are reading I continue to write and I welcome your comments, positive and maybe not so.

DDxxxxx

Come back later, I will fill you in on the mini argument I had with Daddi last night....

Butch power - Femme Submission

Image courtesy of artist Jack Vettriano

I like butch women

I find the power they have enticing

They don't care they look like dykes

They are very open with their masculine traits

They are bold and I like to think they are in control

I like to surrender my control and self to a butch,

it makes me feel wanted and desired,

to have Daddi tell me what to do and do with me as hy pleases.

I like pleasing,

I like to be told I am a good girl for taking the sweet punishment of penetration

Taking it ALL inside to please Daddi....

I like to lay there and be tortured into submission

when I disobey and the glint of defiance flashes in my eyes...

I like to be shown who is boss when

my stubborn ways get the better of me

And

I resist Daddi's advances much to hys disapproval and entertainment

Reenacting the desires and scenes that send Daddi over the edge only fuel to excite me Make me want to become those characters,

Willing hym to take and torture, then finally to reward,

Reward me for all the good behaviour,

Reward me for all the submission I have given and the trust....

To then be cradled out of my mental 'sub space'

Wrapped in the arms of Daddi bringing me back.

To warmth,

To tenderness.......

To love....

Don't Cry....

Hey.....

Not sure what to say about this feeling I have inside but I seem to be opening up to Daddi more and more, sometimes I even surprise myself with tears and overflowing emotions that I have stored inside for so long. The abusive relationships physical and emotionally, the fear of not being on track and the feeling of being lost that I just cant see to get rid off.

I never want people to see that side of me its too painfully vulnerable. Fear of what they might think if they saw the cracks, the depressed 14 year old resurfacing. I have to be strong, not just for me but I have people who rely on me to be strong and be a rock for them. I cant be weak.

I feel SO SO lost right now, everytime I think I am on track with my life be it a job prospect, motherhood trying to find my lifes purpose, something happens to dispel that and I am yet again back to square one, non the wiser about my direction just more confused than I was before.

I feel like I am playing a game and making all the wrong moves, only to exasperate my situation even more... everytime I think I have made the right move something happens and just shouts that I am not....Only life isnt a game, at least not for me.

It feels like I am in the Headmasters office and he is waiting for the correct answer whilst giving me clues but everytime I think a clue has given it away and I reply ..................THWACK!!!.... i'm wrong and I have to try again....doing this for days on end, each clue seemingly easier than the last...... but my answers are still wrong.

I almost feel like I cant even trust my intuition anymore, what do I know???.............. Nothing.

I envy those that have a purpose to their lives, be it children that make them wake up in the morning, work that they enjoy that fulfils them and makes them satisfied or even a Monk who understands the order of life and sits happily contemplating. I long for that......I long for a feeling of peace and knowing and fulfilment. Sick of this empty life I lead.

I have nothing to wake up for in the morning, work?....work is just that. I do it to exist. sometimes I dont even feel like I am living, that's why sometimes I get more piercings, to FEEL something other than despair and pain and it's almost as though the pain, the healing pain grounds me to the here and now and confirms that I am alive.

I'm worn out....I feel truly worn out right now.

Here is the song that Daddi sent me last night, hy also included the words of the song in the email ....That made me cry too LOL....the things Hy says scares me but in a way I am almost welcoming someone who can do for me and be strong for me, I darent think too far ahead to what will happen if we want to be together.

I cant think that far ahead...its too much....I'm not ready to leave my home and my mum, leave my perfect co-parent and my chance for a baby here in the UK, I dont even think I am ready for a relationship, but to be honest I do need someone who has the wisdom Hy has and the life experiences that match mine with a similar outlook, I need someone who will be able to hold my hand when I am lost and whom I can trust to take care of me when I dont feel strong enough to take care of myself...

Anyway here is the video. The song is not my type but I listen to the words.

Hy sent this because I was doing a lot of crying on the phone last night.

"Don't Cry"

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Those tears are for someone else.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I hear you feel so alone.
My baby.
Ohh my baby.
Please my baby,
My baby,
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.
My baby.
Today I dreamed,
Of friends I had before.
And I wonder why.
The ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt.
But you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry.
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry oh...
Limousines and sycophants,
Don't leave me now,
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.
Is now the wolf.
In my bed,
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
The challenges, we took were hard enough.
They get harder now.
Even when we think that we've had enough.
Don't feel alone,
Cause it's I you understand.
I'm your sedative,
Take a piece of me whenever you can.
Don't cry.... you're not alone.
...don't be so hard on yourself...
Don't cry.... tonight my baby
...Those tears are for.....someone else...
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved
...I hear your voice on the phone...
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby
...I hear you feel... so alone.
Cause you still be loved
Don't cry
Don't cry tonight

Don't cry tonight
You'll still be loved..

THANK YOU DADDI xx

Farewell Flowers...

Just wanted to share these with you... I got these today from the company I have been working at for the past few months on and off...I have helped them out of many a sticky situation so for that they decided to show me some apppreciation...LOL I'm a Poet and I did'nt even know it......*groan* I know.....


Fank you Guys xxxxx

7 Days To GO..........

I really need to do something about my Pillows... I have been waking up with a crick neck for the past week now OWW!!

Well It is now 7 days till I meet her....


More about my feelings on that later, but Friday I had my PDA (mobile) stolen.

It was really bizarre I called DH to see if she wanted to meet up if she was in town and was hoping I would meet her after all this time but then I looked for my mobile on my way home on the bus and realised someone had pinched it as I got off. I duly reported it to my service provider and also the Police and got myself a crime reference number and also reported it to my insurance company.



The mad thing is I even called the Bus garage this morning in the hope that someone would hand it in....No joy.

To be honest the person who has it is buggered anyway as they cant get into the phone as it is locked with a password, the back street people who unlock phones wont be able to as I secured that only a few weeks prior to having it nabbed. And there is no way they can even use a different service provider SIM with the phone, so in short they are stuck with a phone they cant use anyway...... HA HAAAAA!!!



Not too upset now about it, at the time I was and went online to Daddi to get some consoling and well.. Hy didn't really know what to say and I kind of got arsey as I was all ready annoyed at Hym for not giving me the Full ADDRESS for the Tesco Internet phone I posted which resulted in the postman being unable to deliver it and it now being it's way back to the UK... The fucking postage cost more than the phone....... Well at least I didn't pay for it. BUT That is not the point. it is not even worth sending it again and I wont get it before I go so may have to take one with me and return the one I get back to Tesco when I get home.



So yes she felt my wrath LOL. Well all is OK now.



I am really looking forward to the break to be honest and hopefully I will have some fun too ;).



Hmm what else...?..... AH YES!! I am also selling an original signed poster from the Spice Girls I got when they were just starting out, it was one of the first promotional materials that Virgin their then record label put out and I have one, so it is now selling on Ebay... Hoping to get something for it.



I have been doing nothing but chillin' this past weekend and having great orgasms LOL with the aid of Daddi and the imagination of Yours Truly :D

I have now also resumed downloading movies from the net, I managed to fit 6 movies on one DVD and have been watching them on my new 32" screen in my bedroom... woohoo!!!!



Trying to think what else has been happening.....to be honest that is it really. I am feeling good in all but missing certain friends that I have failed to stay in touch with.... not feeling good about that but is partly because life has been so up and down. I do think I should get in touch. One in particular, I feel really guilty as I didn't make her birthday night drinks even though I said I would then at the last minute I fell asleep :o(. She is on facebook... I wonder if she is annoyed at me? I did apologies at the time though.

I am so excited about Monday, I assume it will go something like this for the next week....

Pack suitcase

get more items of summer clothing

re pack suitcase

sort out what shoes to carry

Double check I have packed everything I would possibly need

Unpack suitcase

re asses what shoes to carry

re pack suitcase

Go and get Manicure and Pedicure

Get hair done

Re-check documents

re-check clothes....in other words double check suitcase... LOL!

Try to get some sleep during the afternoon early evening so that I am not too tired in the morning as I know the excitement the night before will prevent me from sleeping altogether the later into the night I try to sleep so I am better off getting sleep early evening till about 10-11pm and If I am lucky will wake up refreshed at 2am watch some TV and get a bath for the long journey..... check my suitcase and that I have tickets and Passport and insurance documents in my matching PINK hand luggage :).

I am so excited I have not been back to the USA for almost 10 years.... I am hoping to go again in January for my 30th... we will see.

Here is a video that has been making me laugh lately... I LOVE Phil Collins and the Genesis stuff so this was hilarious for me to watch.... I have heard some people saying they just dont get the advert well I ahve just called the makers at Cadbury and they ahve said the following

The advert is meant to emulate the
feeling you get when eating a cadbury's chocolate bar

ROFL PMSL!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!

RANTING & RAVING......and LOTS of swearing

I have decided to use this post today to get random stuff off my chest...

MY INFERTILITY

People who have kids naturally and say to me..

It will happen when you least expect it

Don't be so fucking stupid!! How can I least expect something I have to plan every month??? I am not sleeping with a man so how on Gods earth do you think it will happen when I least expect it??? I am not the Virgin Mary.

And similarly don't tell me.....

It will happen soon enough, it just isn't the right time yet

GRRRRR FUCK OFF!!! It annoys the shit out of me when people say this to me whilst grinning at their successful offspring.... When you have had infertility issues and you are a lesbian THEN you come and talk to me about staying positive!!! Until that time think of something else to say or dont say FUCK ALL at all....

And don't wonder why I am pissed.... I am pissed because it hurts like a bitch when you see some skanky woman screaming at the top of her lungs at her child ( usually under 5yrs) because she has no self control or a clue on how to be a good effective parent.

I am pissed because some people just see kids as an inconvenience to their oh so important existence. Don't expect someone like me to have sympathy towards you for the bad Ass kids you raised.

Once dated a woman who didn't even want her child and it was evident to me after a couple weeks when I noticed she kept her 5 year old daughter so busy simply so that she didn't have to spend time being a mother to her, every weekend that poor child was sent to her grand parents or her father just so the mother didn't have to spend time with the child, every night of the week the daughter had some class or another to keep her away from the home.

Now at first I thought WOW what a great parent you are keep your child busy and off the streets and stimulated....... On deeper reflection it was evident the child missed her mother and the only reason this woman had a child was so that her parents would accept her sexuality. So she had her via self insemination and it worked on the third try.

To be honest NOTHING that a woman who has conceived her child naturally/by happenstance can say to me will ever make a difference in how I feel, in fact the words 'Oh it will happen, when the time is right' only serve to annoy the shit out of me and evoke rage, unless she TRULY knows something I don't.

I am not usually this sceptic about life, all my problems and struggles have happened for a reason and even in the midst of pain I can still feel at peace that whatever is happening is for the best in the long run and God knows what hy is doing even if I don't, but this situation for me is different... In the first year I understood that and even half way into the second year I was still positive, now I am just PISSED as hell. It just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't make me bitter or resentful towards individuals, just this thing called LUCK.

TUBE/UNDERGROUND

MOVE OUT THE FLIPPING WAY!!! when people are getting off the tube could you kindly MOVE!!???.. It is so annoying when you just stand there like a MONG looking into that space that you so desperately want and not allowing others off. Also If you are standing by the doors on the inside of the carriage and it is packed to the hilt would it really hurt you to step off backwards to secure you place and allow the people to get off then re board????? Think about it you NINKENPOOP!!

When the carriage is really and truly full, STOP trying to push on, it's rude, inconsiderate and makes everyone have a shit start to the day when you insist on forcing your size 22 frame into a space that is 10inches wide.....

MEN/NON PREGNANT WOMEN......If you are able bodied. Get up off your lazy arses and give a seat to a pregnant woman!! yes pregnancy is natural and people have been getting it for years, NO it is not a sickness but just imagine having to carry half a stone extra, and stand in a hot carriage and be pushed and prodded by all those that insist on pushing on when there is a train exactly ONE FUCKING MINUTE behind this one??!!!!

Also I know you don't have eyes at the back of your head but would it be at all inconsiderate of me to assume you would not walk like you were going to a funeral in the middle of the platform in rush hour????? DAMMIT some of us have life in our bones and need to get somewhere!!!!

UMBRELLAS

Please for Christ's sake could please watch what the hell you are doing with those spikes whilst walking on busy streets and street markets!!!!!

PUBLIC NOSE PICKERS

Do that SHIT IN PRIVATE!!! It is the most disgusting thing to see a grown person picking their nose and EATING IT or WIPING IT ON CHAIRS AND WALLS on public transport!!! STOP IT!!! its NASTY... wait till you get home or use a tissue for Christ's sake... some of us have dinners to go home and make and the visual you so considerately treated us to makes some of us heave. If I catch you doing it i will say out loud how disgusting you are and embarrass you in public as I have done so many other times before... It's GROSS... STOP IT!!!

WOMEN WHO WEAR WEAVES

Get the right colour and If it needs redoing for heavens sake wear a head scarf... Also no one wants to see your hair having a fight with your forehead and regrowth!!! Get it sorted!!

DRIVERS

If you see a learner driver at the traffic lights and they have stalled the car or are not pulling off as quickly as you would like them too can you try to remember when you were just learning and how daunting it is when you come to a busy road?.. Don't be a prize wank stain and honk ya horn/ curse out ya window or generally be a prick especially when you think you are a boy racer with ya skanky hip-hop/Chav wannabe girlfriend in the passenger seat.

JEREMY KYLE

SELF RIGHTEOUS PRICK, You were fuck all before Jerry springer came to our shores and had to take a break to do his theatre show, on his days off you would fill in for him. You started off as a refreshing chat show host but after getting your foot int he door you started to think being a showman was more important than people's feelings. You started to get all high and mighty as you passed comment on your guests, as the audience stood behind you and pretty soon you started to take it all too far...You're a CU*T.


MY EX (I no longer love you)

FLORIDA HERE I CUM...

OOPs I mean COME. ;o)

I am so chuffed, I have just booked my ticket to go to Florida and also got a good deal on an annual travel insurance policy. I tell you, I love MoneySavingExpert.com, it has shown me the light on so many things and how to save money. It truly is a ONE STOP SHOP for those that are frugal and/or need to save every penny or simply love a bargain.... like Moi.

Printed off 3 copies of my E Ticket... I get really anal about travelling when I do travel, everything has to be just so. I have printed 3 because one is for my suitcase, one for my mum - just in case something happens to me and she needs the details- and one to stay at home in case both get lost. Needless to say I have done the same with my travel insurance policy for the same reasons.

I am also taking my matching pink Cases and my matching Pink passport holder... pictures will no doubt be added closer to the time..... OH MY I wonder what the fashion is there in Florida?? I don't want to go out there thinking I am the epitome of trend and look like an edjit.

Well I will keep you posted, I actually have to do some work... BASSSTards!!.. What do they think? they pay me to work?.....NO LOVE they pay me to simply BE here.... dammit!!

I wish..

Here is my SONG of the day... This is how I feel about meeting a new love, be it now or in the future, she will have to dig a little deeper than most........

A Change is about to come......

Famous Last words, or Prophetic?

Well since last blogging I am starting to feel a little better about my life, so lets see... where do I start?....

Weeeell, the weekend before last, when I was feeling extremely horny I ended up on this website and saw a woman advertising for another, I was captured by her profile title 'Daddi seeks Hys Queen' ...

"Oooh"

I thought.. nice line. Now you know what sold me on that dont you...? Come on you must be getting to know me by now LOL... yep you got it, it was the word "Daddi".

I decided to click on the link to get more info, read through the criteria made sure she was butch and of a good height.. Tick .,.. Tick... and then if she wanted kids?... Ti- OH... it said she already had one and didnt want anymore. Now usually I would be put off but seeing as I am not looking for a relationship it didnt matter to me.

Well then I scrolled down and saw a pic.... CUTE!!!!.. interestingly enough this was a site mainly for women of colour- to be honest I was only on that site as I was looking for more erotic reading online and my curiosity made me look at the personals.. knowing full well they were all going to be in the USA. I was just curious is all. - This woman was white and clearly stated that she didnt care if people didnt like the fact she was on a site predominantly for women of colour she didnt discriminate. That got my attention.

I decided to email her and simply state that I wouldnt mind making a new friend and that I thought she was cute..... finally after adding a link to my picture and pressing send.. my pc broke again DOH!!

I waited anxioulsy the next day for a reply and when one came she asked if I thought she was cute as in " puppy dog cute"... that made me giggle, I used my PDA to respond and made it very clear I thought she looked sexy... well from then on we have been talking everyday via phone and the net, she is very spiritual, has a good job that is worthwhile and fulfilling that she loves, she has an adorable daughter and a great sense of humour.

I am planning to go and see her in two weeks.... OK OK most would think I was mad but to be honest I have done far riskier things in my time and she seems nice. Besides....

1) I had decided I needed a break from the UK for a couple weeks now as the stress of dealing with the bitch and the hozzie appointments have been getting me down.

2) I can afford it and why wait?!

3) I will be moving to the states anyway in a few years so why not take the opportunity to go and see as much of the place as possible

So why Not!?! I say, I will only live once and I have a good feeling about it, besides I think she may just be worth it even if we end up being only friends and not clicking in that way. I have always had a weaknes for American women especially the butch ones.. Mmmmm.

OK a bit more about her?.. Well she is 36, a Gemini, lives with her daughter and also is a counsellor appointed by the court system to help people with addictions.... I know!! I just keep finding these women with connections to alcohol and drugs in some form or another - it has been pointed out that maybe more people take part in these things than I know.

She is also a Reverend!! I LOL I know I know!! CRAZY!! or what!!?! Well anyway...... she is also into parapsychology and deals with supernatural phenomena... I am so excited!!! I have been really interested in that stuff from a child and finally meeting someone else who has a healthy interest is really exciting for me. Not only that but her life is lived by utilising Bhuddist beliefs and she is very spiritual as well as a realist.

I have sent her a Tesco internet phone so we can keep intouch for free and chat whenever we want.. its FREEEEEEE and we all know that Freeness is Goodness. She should get it soon.

I am not thinking she is Hysband material but you know what?... If she is then she is.

OK enough about that for a while.

I have also been thinking maybe I need to change my skills, talking to 'Stud' last night I was thinking maybe I should go into youth counselling... I know I would be a great counsellor and I love working with and helping to inspire young people. You may remember me talking about meeting this woman in the steam room a few weeks back and being sure she was a Lesbian... well how WRONG was I?? Very infact, I saw her this weekend and we had a chat as I was waiting for my Total body work out class to begin... Yes I went back for more punishment.....it turns out she is also trying for a baby with her BOYFRIEND and she is older than me.

She asked me what I did for a living and I told her, she asked if I would be interested in mentoring young people and giving talks on various topics?... I was shocked but agreed and also said that I had been thinking about doing youth work and opening up a centre in the past.

She said whe would email me this week with more info and obviously it would be unpaid.

Suits me.

I finsh at my current post on Friday, ... so that leaves me free to decide and go away on holiday for two weeks. I am already wondering what quals would give me the upper hand when I do finally go to the States.

Oh I just wanted to share something with you that 'Daddi' sent me to help me try to get through all the things I am going through right now and in particular I think the whole Fertility thing..

It is called 'Dying professors last lecture'




The last quote almost made me cry, this is one of the things I like about her, I get things like this that help me through what I am going through in life. Only my best friend and selective others think about me and my needs in this way and for that I will forever love them.

OK what else do I have to share ......My juicer is still going strong and I am losing weight.. I can feel it and also I am getting a lot fitter especially as I can now walk up 60 steps without being out of breath and without stopping whilst the others take the adjoining escalators at my local tube station. I will progress to running up them by this time 2010.

I recently heard that the Bitch is back on the drugs and drinking, I think I did the best thing to get away from her for good, she is far too destructive, maybe she is hurting but FUCKING GET COUNSELLING AND STICK WITH IT YA DOOFUSS!!! Anyway.... Anytime I feel an ounce of pity for her I think of all the shit I put up with. Daddi said something very interesting the other day.....

.." The closest us "Normal" people come to insanity is being in love"

I totally agree.....Thank you Daddi....xx