Still in shock, Papa K has cancer, its terminal and not looking good.
Its bad enough that Mama K is terminally ill, but this devastating news is hard to comprehend.
Btw Mama & Papa K are Special K's parents, married for over 45years and have experienced enough loss in one year than anyone needs in a lifetime.
Never knew a real dad till I met Papa K!
I am so exhausted by everything going on at once I cant even post all the thoughts and feelings swimming around in my head, concerns for Special K and family, wanting to be strong and be there fr her and any of them should there be anything I can do. I just wish life wasn't so brutal at times. No one deserves to have two parents terminally ill let alone one.
All I can do is try to step outside of my own shit long enough to focus on her and give her what she needs right now, lots of hugs, kisses and a listening ear. I will try to hide my feelings of low mood during this time especially as that is the last thing she needs to have to deal with right now, other things are more important.
Well LO is sleeping and I am not feeling like a ray of sunshine so off to mong out for a bit and try to stop eating!!! Since Special K has been away I have abandoned the INSANITY workout plan and opted for comfort food, i have no other vices so.....
I am glad to be able to vent somewhere where I can just say what i am feeling without worrying that I am being a burden to anyone, I so often feel that I am.
Anyway.....Signing off for now....
Saturday 19 January 2013
Tuesday 15 January 2013
Here again!
So....
It's been such a long time since I last got anything out my system. I am doing this not because I think anyone will read it but because I need to express and release how I am feeling on a day to day level. As inconsistent as I am in my life I need to do this just as inconsistent as I have always been, so I am really quite relieved this page is still here waiting for me.
I have a child now, that dream came true, I am as doubtful about my abilities as a mum as I am about myself as a person but I think I have worked hard at being the best mum I can be, than anything else in my life, I guess I am a little proud of that. My child is bright, funny, caring, loving, polite and kind and all that at the tender age of 2 years old! I rarely shout at LO but when I do it usually because I am losing it not because LO being anything other than a baby, I am depressed and feel crap on a daily basis so my patience is thin.
I am thankful that I don't shout often, usually a stern tone gets Little One's attention but there are times when I feel like I just want to disappear and the pressure of parenting is too much and for a moment I raise my voice and then wonder what was the point in that (?)
Being a parent and a conscious parent brings all sorts of things to the surface, not least of all a look back and evaluation of your own childhood and relationships with guardians/parents/caregivers. Some of mine has made me paranoid, scared, tearful, anxious, want to vomit and others have made me see how brave and strong some of those caregivers were. My mum mainly.
Not raising LO alone, fortunate to be co-parenting, I guess that should make parenting and managing my depression easier...?..At times it does but at others, I worry and get paranoid about being seen as not good enough and not able to cope. Even if the truth is some days I just don't.
I feel like shit today, why does my seemingly perfect life have to be tainted by my mental health issues? It makes me feel weak, I compare myself to others during times of adversity and struggle and I feel weak and useless and sick to my stomach with guilt that I don't try harder. Then I think, but I do try, I fight every day to make sure that my duties as a mother are fulfilled, I feel guilty if they are not and if I am not reaching my own expectations of what a good mother does, or is able to do and accomplish. I feel sorry for my child most days, I feel sorry and regretful that I have given him a life with a parent with mental health issues. I almost feel that if I was born with one arm or disabled that I would be stronger. I would be seen as being stronger....
I am trying to help myself, as always I seek support in services and try to do all I can to talk to those close to me as well as be mindful that they have things going on too in their lives. I worry about being a burden on friends the 2 I have, I worry about being a burden on my partner and why she stays with me, especially since I did a "Britney" and shaved all my hair off.
I am now officially bald fat and ugly!
I signed up to do the INSANITY workout 60day challenge, why? Because I wanted to try to lose weight and to be honest I felt what do I have to lose ...I now think it was a bad idea but I am trying to get through it, my mind is a terrible thing, the negativity it plays, rewinds and re-plays in my head is crippling and stops me moving forward. I was never ruled by my head when it came to life. Logical, Yes, but my emotions dominate everything in my life and what I do and it seems that now I am too old to get a hold of it and change my thoughts for the better.
I don't know..... I haven't been this low since my last episode in late 2007, where I just wanted to die and questioned life.
It's been such a long time since I last got anything out my system. I am doing this not because I think anyone will read it but because I need to express and release how I am feeling on a day to day level. As inconsistent as I am in my life I need to do this just as inconsistent as I have always been, so I am really quite relieved this page is still here waiting for me.
I have a child now, that dream came true, I am as doubtful about my abilities as a mum as I am about myself as a person but I think I have worked hard at being the best mum I can be, than anything else in my life, I guess I am a little proud of that. My child is bright, funny, caring, loving, polite and kind and all that at the tender age of 2 years old! I rarely shout at LO but when I do it usually because I am losing it not because LO being anything other than a baby, I am depressed and feel crap on a daily basis so my patience is thin.
I am thankful that I don't shout often, usually a stern tone gets Little One's attention but there are times when I feel like I just want to disappear and the pressure of parenting is too much and for a moment I raise my voice and then wonder what was the point in that (?)
Being a parent and a conscious parent brings all sorts of things to the surface, not least of all a look back and evaluation of your own childhood and relationships with guardians/parents/caregivers. Some of mine has made me paranoid, scared, tearful, anxious, want to vomit and others have made me see how brave and strong some of those caregivers were. My mum mainly.
Not raising LO alone, fortunate to be co-parenting, I guess that should make parenting and managing my depression easier...?..At times it does but at others, I worry and get paranoid about being seen as not good enough and not able to cope. Even if the truth is some days I just don't.
I feel like shit today, why does my seemingly perfect life have to be tainted by my mental health issues? It makes me feel weak, I compare myself to others during times of adversity and struggle and I feel weak and useless and sick to my stomach with guilt that I don't try harder. Then I think, but I do try, I fight every day to make sure that my duties as a mother are fulfilled, I feel guilty if they are not and if I am not reaching my own expectations of what a good mother does, or is able to do and accomplish. I feel sorry for my child most days, I feel sorry and regretful that I have given him a life with a parent with mental health issues. I almost feel that if I was born with one arm or disabled that I would be stronger. I would be seen as being stronger....
I am trying to help myself, as always I seek support in services and try to do all I can to talk to those close to me as well as be mindful that they have things going on too in their lives. I worry about being a burden on friends the 2 I have, I worry about being a burden on my partner and why she stays with me, especially since I did a "Britney" and shaved all my hair off.
I am now officially bald fat and ugly!
I signed up to do the INSANITY workout 60day challenge, why? Because I wanted to try to lose weight and to be honest I felt what do I have to lose ...I now think it was a bad idea but I am trying to get through it, my mind is a terrible thing, the negativity it plays, rewinds and re-plays in my head is crippling and stops me moving forward. I was never ruled by my head when it came to life. Logical, Yes, but my emotions dominate everything in my life and what I do and it seems that now I am too old to get a hold of it and change my thoughts for the better.
I don't know..... I haven't been this low since my last episode in late 2007, where I just wanted to die and questioned life.
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