Here again!

So....

It's been such a long time since I last got anything out my system. I am doing this not because I think anyone will read it but because I need to express and release how I am feeling on a day to day level. As inconsistent as I am in my life I need to do this just as inconsistent as I have always been, so I am really quite relieved this page is still here waiting for me.

I have a child now, that dream came true, I am as doubtful about my abilities as a mum as I am about myself as a person but I think I have worked hard at being the best mum I can be, than anything else in my life, I guess I am a little proud of that. My child is bright, funny, caring, loving, polite and kind and all that at the tender age of 2 years old! I rarely shout at LO but when I do it usually because I am losing it not because LO being anything other than a baby, I am depressed and feel crap on a daily basis so my patience is thin.

I am thankful that I don't shout often, usually a stern tone gets Little One's  attention but there are times when I feel like I just want to disappear and the pressure of parenting is too much and for a moment I raise my voice and then wonder what was the point in that (?)

Being a parent and a conscious parent brings all sorts of things to the surface, not least of all a look back and evaluation of your own childhood and relationships with guardians/parents/caregivers. Some of mine has made me paranoid, scared, tearful, anxious, want to vomit and others have made me see how brave and strong some of those caregivers were. My mum mainly.

Not raising LO alone, fortunate to be co-parenting, I guess that should make parenting and managing my depression easier...?..At times it does but at others, I worry and get paranoid about being seen as not good enough and not able to cope. Even if the truth is some days I just don't.

I feel like shit today, why does my seemingly perfect life have to be tainted by my mental health issues? It makes me feel weak, I compare myself to others during times of adversity and struggle and I feel weak and useless and sick to my stomach with guilt that I don't try harder. Then I think, but I do try, I fight every day to make sure that my duties as a mother are fulfilled, I feel guilty if they are not and if I am not reaching my own expectations of what a good mother does, or is able to do and accomplish. I feel sorry for my child most days, I feel sorry and regretful that I have given him a life with a parent with mental health issues. I almost feel that if I was born with one arm or disabled that I would be stronger. I would be seen as being stronger....

I am trying to help myself, as always I seek support in services and try to do all I can to talk to those close to me as well as be mindful that they have things going on too in their lives. I worry about being a burden on friends the 2 I have, I worry about being a burden on my partner and why she stays with me, especially since I did a "Britney" and shaved all my hair off.

I am now officially bald fat and ugly!

I signed up to do the INSANITY workout 60day challenge, why? Because I wanted to try to lose weight and to be honest I felt what do I have to lose ...I now think it was a bad idea but I am trying to get through it, my mind is a terrible thing, the negativity it plays, rewinds and re-plays in my head is crippling and stops me moving forward. I was never ruled by my head when it came to life. Logical, Yes, but my emotions dominate everything in my life and what I do and it seems that now I am too old to get a hold of it and change my thoughts for the better.

I don't know..... I haven't been this low since my last episode in late 2007, where I just wanted to die and questioned life.