I have come to that conclusion as recently as yesterday. What is the truth that hurt so much? I am "Codependent".
What does this mean... OK the official breakdown of co dependency is here so hit the link.
Coupled with that I also have known for a long time that I am very bossy to those I love and who are in my life as partners or family especially if they simply ask for my advice. Looking at the list above on the link I guess many people ARE codependent to some degree and there must be some positives to being codependent but I feel terrible about it as I acknowledge - reading that list and staying up last night reading up on it and trying to how how I have made it affect my life and my relationships - that I am a codependent bordering on the worst kind.
I feel like crying now as it explains why I am such a control freak when it come to others, why I act the way I do in certain situations and all because of my behaviours, I think I have been smothering her and I now realise that is probably what I have done in all my relationships, I never thought of myself as a "needy" person but guess I am. I am insecure most of the time lately around my g/f,always wanting her to show me she cares.... she obviously does but I think the way I am feeling, no matter if she were to give me the moon it wouldn't be enough.
I am so emotional most of the time its distressing being distressed why? OK well since I saw her last weekend I have been on such a downer not because of her but ME..... I am so frustrated with the situation of having to travel so far almost every weekend but its my fault, I agreed... no let me rephrase that I insisted repeatedly ( controlling) that I go up as it made more sense me only having to pay for the ticket rather than her having to pay for her ticket AND dog boarding fees as the horse if far too big to be in my little flat.
The house is not selling and she is obviously stressed out about that but doing her best which is all anyone can ask for really yet my controlling codependent nature, which i hasten to add I am going to change, she isn't doing things in the most effective way.... OK lets get real and be honest... MY WAY. whilst i am here on this honesty platform I must say it sickens me that I act this way, i have caused an argument with her simply because initially she didn't want me to help her which she has every right to request as her business is exactly that HER BUSINESS and no matter how much I think I can help I have no right to if she doesn't want it.
It hurt, it felt like i was being rejected but that is the common feeling amongst control freaks and co-dependents, and for that I have decided not to talk to her as she shouted at me and also because she didn't say that she wanted me to come up this weekend when i told her that I wasn't going to even though i bought the ticket, she quite rightly called me out and said she was not going to play the chase me game and that I knew where she was if i wanted her.
I was actually upset that she wouldn't. Mind games? yep... am I embarrassed that I tried that old trick? YEP in fact I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. I have ordered two books that seem to get great reviews online by the author Melody Beattie.
And another one
Anyway with both of these books I am hoping to remedy the side that I don't like about me and improve my relationships with people and most importantly with myself, I know I do what I do because it helps me feel wanted needed and valuable, cos lets be honest I don't really.
I don't want to lose her, oh yeah I also forgot to mention that I have categorically stated in an email that I am not going to call her all weekend, said in frustration and anger and also I guess to get a rise out of her or summin', I dunno it was stupid, now she is leaving me messages asking me " why exactly am I not talking to her?" I have no real reason other than I guess I want her to miss me and also so that I can be a coward and not admit my recent findings and that I want 'ME' time to work on it and actually her calling me and even knowing that I am trying to change almost makes it cringey, I don't want her to know or even think I am just some emotional retard, fuck, I guess I am, am I?
In all honesty I am doing what I always do when I feel rejected, I reject back and also withdraw as I am feeling hurt and vulnerable and need to switch off so that I can get a grip of my emotions and that independent side back. It's hard to explain but its almost like I need time to centre myself again in solitude.
I don't mean to shut her out but I don't want to get into a discussion about how I am feeling or behaving I would rather not. I am far too honest and I wouldn't be able to hide how sad I am feeling about it, I know some would say it is not such a big deal but being as insecure as I am I see it as a bad thing about me and I don't want to be bad, I don't want to lose people that enrich and support me, I don't want to feel so needy. the issue is... i cant sort my own life out so I am jumping at the chance to help .....meddle in someone else's.
For example, I am not sure what to do about work I am having no luck finding a perm job and also I am not sure really what will ahppen to me after my op which is in about 5 weeks time. I am scared and frustrated and confused about what to do. everyones else problems seem so much simpler to fix than my own, also lets face it no on is helping me sort mine so really i should be dedicating myself to my own life. WELL ...I am going to change as much as I can my codependency streak..... I know it wont be over night but I am going to try.... God loves a trier and trust me I am begining to see just how trying I really can be.
There must be some positives to be codependent and I don't want to go completely the other way but I need to find the balance.....
