Truth Hurts

Even when you are telling it to yourself.....

I have come to that conclusion as recently as yesterday. What is the truth that hurt so much? I am "Codependent".

What does this mean... OK the official breakdown of co dependency is here so hit the link.

http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/CodependantP.html

Coupled with that I also have known for a long time that I am very bossy to those I love and who are in my life as partners or family especially if they simply ask for my advice. Looking at the list above on the link I guess many people ARE codependent to some degree and there must be some positives to being codependent but I feel terrible about it as I acknowledge - reading that list and staying up last night reading up on it and trying to how how I have made it affect my life and my relationships - that I am a codependent bordering on the worst kind.

I feel like crying now as it explains why I am such a control freak when it come to others, why I act the way I do in certain situations and all because of my behaviours, I think I have been smothering her and I now realise that is probably what I have done in all my relationships, I never thought of myself as a "needy" person but guess I am. I am insecure most of the time lately around my g/f,always wanting her to show me she cares.... she obviously does but I think the way I am feeling, no matter if she were to give me the moon it wouldn't be enough.

I am so emotional most of the time its distressing being distressed why? OK well since I saw her last weekend I have been on such a downer not because of her but ME..... I am so frustrated with the situation of having to travel so far almost every weekend but its my fault, I agreed... no let me rephrase that I insisted repeatedly ( controlling) that I go up as it made more sense me only having to pay for the ticket rather than her having to pay for her ticket AND dog boarding fees as the horse if far too big to be in my little flat.

The house is not selling and she is obviously stressed out about that but doing her best which is all anyone can ask for really yet my controlling codependent nature, which i hasten to add I am going to change, she isn't doing things in the most effective way.... OK lets get real and be honest... MY WAY. whilst i am here on this honesty platform I must say it sickens me that I act this way, i have caused an argument with her simply because initially she didn't want me to help her which she has every right to request as her business is exactly that HER BUSINESS and no matter how much I think I can help I have no right to if she doesn't want it.

It hurt, it felt like i was being rejected but that is the common feeling amongst control freaks and co-dependents, and for that I have decided not to talk to her as she shouted at me and also because she didn't say that she wanted me to come up this weekend when i told her that I wasn't going to even though i bought the ticket, she quite rightly called me out and said she was not going to play the chase me game and that I knew where she was if i wanted her.

I was actually upset that she wouldn't. Mind games? yep... am I embarrassed that I tried that old trick? YEP in fact I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. I have ordered two books that seem to get great reviews online by the author Melody Beattie.

And another one

Anyway with both of these books I am hoping to remedy the side that I don't like about me and improve my relationships with people and most importantly with myself, I know I do what I do because it helps me feel wanted needed and valuable, cos lets be honest I don't really.

I don't want to lose her, oh yeah I also forgot to mention that I have categorically stated in an email that I am not going to call her all weekend, said in frustration and anger and also I guess to get a rise out of her or summin', I dunno it was stupid, now she is leaving me messages asking me " why exactly am I not talking to her?" I have no real reason other than I guess I want her to miss me and also so that I can be a coward and not admit my recent findings and that I want 'ME' time to work on it and actually her calling me and even knowing that I am trying to change almost makes it cringey, I don't want her to know or even think I am just some emotional retard, fuck, I guess I am, am I?

In all honesty I am doing what I always do when I feel rejected, I reject back and also withdraw as I am feeling hurt and vulnerable and need to switch off so that I can get a grip of my emotions and that independent side back. It's hard to explain but its almost like I need time to centre myself again in solitude.

I don't mean to shut her out but I don't want to get into a discussion about how I am feeling or behaving I would rather not. I am far too honest and I wouldn't be able to hide how sad I am feeling about it, I know some would say it is not such a big deal but being as insecure as I am I see it as a bad thing about me and I don't want to be bad, I don't want to lose people that enrich and support me, I don't want to feel so needy. the issue is... i cant sort my own life out so I am jumping at the chance to help .....meddle in someone else's.

For example, I am not sure what to do about work I am having no luck finding a perm job and also I am not sure really what will ahppen to me after my op which is in about 5 weeks time. I am scared and frustrated and confused about what to do. everyones else problems seem so much simpler to fix than my own, also lets face it no on is helping me sort mine so really i should be dedicating myself to my own life. WELL ...I am going to change as much as I can my codependency streak..... I know it wont be over night but I am going to try.... God loves a trier and trust me I am begining to see just how trying I really can be.

There must be some positives to be codependent and I don't want to go completely the other way but I need to find the balance.....

Hacked off & Swearing.....ALOT

OK in settling down to type this I think this has to be the most boring blog ever nothing clever nothing witty, in fact I am feeling really pissed off today and have come to the conclusion that if I dont leave this place I am going to go postal.

I am pissed and bored of this fucking place, the stupid office politics that I try to avoid, and just make all the right noises when I get people moaning to me about shit, I keep telling them I am only a fucking freelancer, and I am doing all I need to do and I dont think I will be here any longer. ROLL ON MAY 6th!!!!!!!

I watched Pay It forward last night and cried from start to finish... A great film a must see for all who have an ounce of altruism in their body.

ok here are my latest purchases which I love

Umbrella by Fulton the royal appointed umbrella makers



Dress By Dotty P

I am not going to wear them together obviously!!! But I would love some shoes that look like the dress or better still plain pink I already have a plain round toe black that looks gorgeous.

I also tried to invest in a super duper sized sports bra for my humungous boobaloobs and it was so big I sent it back as a food hamper.

Tallgirls.co.uk great site back in the day... but now I must admit I think their clothes are average quality wise and also fashion wise not great, the clothes look like they should be sitting in a second rate shop in a really run down area where the owner is trying desperately to sell the last of his stock to anyone who will buy but with counter productive high prices.


I cant tell you the amount of time I have had to send their clothes back for poor quality....... maybe us tall girls are not that picky as when I complain they always say " oh we have never had any issues in the past"... Well fuck me with a feather, that really makes a difference to my opinion doesnt it dear!!!


Whilst I am on a rant, I have realised I would make a SHIT PA as I cant see why I should have to make tea for my boss!!! for instance this company I work for now, the director has a fully equipt kitchen in his private office that is located on its own floor almost like a HUGE loft conversion but he insits on calling upon people ( mainly me) down stairs to make him tea and take it up the rather dizzying flight of stairs just so he doesnt have to go to the next room to make it himself.


GET A FUCKING GRIP!!!! And while ya at it get yourself a wife who doesnt bully you then maybe you wouldnt feel the need to assert your authority at work. DICK WAD.


And on that subject.......I think every company exec has been giving a secret book when they are newly appointed in director-dom on how to pilfer and fiddle the tax man and have numerous companies all in different names and even going so far as to send mail to an address just so that they can look as though they are doing work for an external entity. I am not clued up on maths and the such but summin is really weird when you get to that level in business especially the 'Old Boys club' types, can we say MASONIC LODGE!!!!


And while I am at it why do royal mail insist on fucking up your packages that have the huge red and white FRAGILE tape all over it. I now have to go through the pointless task of trying to claim for an umbrella bought on eBay for £6.50. FUCKING HELL.


They say that swearing is a sign of the unintelligent but who gives a flying red arsed monkey!!!!

And just before I leave..... I have been coming here to this company for almost two years, more on then off and I have decided I am not coming back EVER!!!! Infact if things get really bad I am more swayed to selling my Lesbian arse on eBay to the highest bidder male or female before I consider coming back here.

Updates

OK here goes....

• Joined slimming world cos it is an all you can eat diet the best in my book and since I joined last Tuesday I have lost 4lbs and was told to drop my keggs as this week as I was wearing jeans and they can weigh anything from 1-2lbs and I wasnt wearing them last week at the weigh in.

• Joiuned the gym and going tonight for my first Spinning class, was going to join the latest craze CURVES a 30minute work out for busy women but the deal was crap even if the concept was enticing.

• Planning on moving to Manchester if I get the job I have just applied for.

• Special K has sold the house and hoping to get a job she just applied for, which if things go well we will be on a £60k a year income between us with two homes one in London and one in Manchester, with the job that I went for I will be in London 2-4 times a month so keeping my gorgeous council flat, and I say that without sarcasm it really is gorgeous and I am incredibly lucky and only paying £258.00 a month rent I would be mad to give it up.

• I am still madly in lust and in love with special K and the feeling is mutual. I figure that if the worst happens at least I will still have my own home here in London to come back to and lick my wounds.

• Also we have decided if we dont get the jobs we want that we will piss off to a Peruvian orphanage for 3-6months and trek around South America till xmas to get the last out of our childless existence as after my Op I wont be able to try for 6moths so baby wont be around till next year if things go well and when it arrives we wont want to go back packing off around the world let alone be able to afford to with a new baby.

• Having lots of kinky sex and I even have her exploring her dominant side and OH MY GOODNESS she knows how to read a womans body I have never been so sexually aroused by anyone before especially a "girlfreind" which says alot about my choices in the past I think as I loved them all but didnt fancy them much, but with her OMG!!!! She has also bought me a beautiful collar and when I am good I get to wear it ;o).

What else has happened ....hmmm?.....Found out that there is a huge underground 60's club scene, sounds fun.

I must admit I am so busy living, loving and enjoying my life I forget to update this thing and really put down my thoughts and feelings and the deeper stuff but to be honest it makes a nice change from the near suicidal me that existed only 4 months ago I tell ya.....

My mystery shopping is going really well too I am making some cool dosh to shop and criticise LOL.

My most recent disappointment and unfortunately I was not on an assignment, instead I encountered this of my own free will and spent my own hard earned cash but FENG SUSHI is the BIGGEST PILE OF SHIT when it comes to VALUE FOR MONEY... Can we all say VALUE FOR MONEY?!!!! I wont ever eat there again they are over priced bullsushi.

If you want good sushi and in North London take the time to go else where and as a takeaway visit the one in Seven Sisters, West Green road, the name escapes me but the food is really good and the price is brilliant. not forgetting to mention the brill service and friendly manner.

FENG SUSHI + VALUE FOR MONEY = FUCKING SHITE!! ( in my personal opinion)

OK So I have thought of a way you can all help me, just for fun.... Boys Names. I would like to find more boys names that I like criteria...

• Not bog standard like George or Mark ( boring)
• Not too experiemental
• Sounds good when you shout it ( heehee)
• One that has meaning and sounds like someone who is destined for greatness ( heehe)
• Any language is fine Chinese names are welcome too as the baby will be half Chinese and half british born Jamaican

So far we have Riley and Bailey but not keen on the latter AT ALL...

Your input and suggestions are much appreciated, some of prefer to not have them published on the blog and as you can see I have respected that :o)

big hugs to all my readers thank you for reading xx

general opinions welcome

Silver Lining

Well I am so relaxed I think I am about to fall off my chair and melt into the floor.





Saturday was wonderful, went to see the psychic and as I sat in her very normal and warm family home with its sweet fragrance I relalised that this woman was as unsuspecting as you could get, entering her living room was a woman sitting on a couch readinga take take a break and on closer inspection from the corner of my she appeared to be a member of the "Community" and it transpires she was waiting for her partner who was having a reading.





When my turn arrived i was greeted warmly by a lovely full of life woman with the friendliest of faces, she usehered me into the kitchen and asked me to sit down and shuffle the cards and cut them into three, she then inserted a blank tape into the recorder. My reading began.





Laying the first set of cards out from the top of the deck she commented on my amazing growth as a person in the last few years and that she saw lost of positive things for me, I kept quiet not wanting to give anything away, she went on to tell me the most amazing things, I was definately with the right partner this one was a gem who really believed in me and loved me dearly, she said i can see an ex and " boy you couldnt have chosen qanyone more different a true jekyll and Hyde" in fact she went on to say " this person I can see has three heads and god only knows how manmy more they had" at this I giggled.





She went on to say that my rainbow would be complete and that I am going to have a baby boy and also adopt one ( which I had been thinking about for years anyway), she also said that she can see me and my partner are not living together and that we would be soon but still ahve two properties and we would be financially stable and able to make choices, she also stated very matter of a factly that we were going to work in the same field but that we should not work with the same age group as there would be conflict. She told me things about my grandma I dindt know until i told my muma nd my mum said YES that is true no one knows that but me ( being the oldest my mum would know) also she said that the women in my family that had passed on were cheering as I was making choices that they never had and also I had broken the mold and they were rejoicing.





She talked about my dad and said a lot of very specific things that no one would know, she also said alot of things about my girlfriend that no one knew but her and when i told her she was shocked. Now i want to just say once again all i said through the entire reading was yes and no and the only no was regarding my girlfriends family and something that I didnt know but later was true. In all with scepticism this woman was 99.9% accurate and all of the things she said that I didnt know my mum confirmed. She also said that my brother was going to be highly successful but grounded and that he will go very far in life because of his good nature and focus.



She also said that she see's me and my partner exchanging rings of some sort but she wasnt sure if it was ina church or on a mountain but it was unusual and very significant as it was a commitment of our love for eachother, little does she know we were already thinking about doing that and just trying to see where we wanted to do it but left the idea until more time had passed.



she also said i was the kind of person that would cry at the end of watching sports relief as I would find it hard understanding why people had to suffer in the world. she is right I once cried watching Crimewatch.





She told me also before i said a word that I wouldnt be able to have children now as my hormone levels needed looking at and my mouth gapped open how could she know.

SORRY I Forgot to post this as i was at work and it sat in my draft box.

Today i am having a champagne lunch and then off to see my beautiful g/f with a big heart. I have put a couple videos on my MP£ player to watch on the train journey and hopping to nab a bottle of bubbly for the weekend...we'll see :o)

random thoughts and confessions

Bored at work so thought I would pop on here for a few minutes.

Last week when Special K was due to come down I pre booked a taxi 3 hours early to collect her and take her to the station, I also informed this company that she was sick and really needed to make sure she got to the train station on time not to miss her train.

Taxi was booked for 2:15 the journey was only 30 minutes away but they assured me that we had left enough time to get there booking it for that time as her train left at 3:15 so more than enough time.

10 mins late we called the taxi, "he is round the corner" we were told.... ten minutes later still " he is 5 minutes away".. a further 10 minutes later " he is on the next road"... They lied and he wasn't, he was 40 Minutes late I promptly called to speak to the supervisor and was told that it would be looked into, it wasn't anyway I went higher still and almost a week later they have discovered it was their error and I informed them that I would not be letting it go as they had basically made the situation worse and she was on the platform in floods of tears and having to purchase another ticket costing £62.30.

I have since been assured that I will be compensated and that they will get back to me later today to confirm how much. I will keep you posted.

I have also tried to wrangle myself a private room at the hospital after my treatment in June, I will let you know how that goes I waiting for a call back from them to let me know.

Went home last night to the gorgeous aroma of a cooked meal and freshly washed linen.... and a bath waiting for me... OH MY she is just heaven sent. It turned out it was 'Thursday Taco Tango day' and I was served Tacos and had to speak in a Mexican/Spanish accent, she is so funny... Tonight I have been told has a Lambada theme to it.... NUTS? YES!!! we are :o)

We even have alter egos mine is Barbara and hers is Sheba from the story, NOTES On A SCANDAL after watching it together one Sunday evening we found ourselves mimicking the toffy accent and calling each other Barbara and Sheba... (Barbs and Sheebs)..... Its quite funny but I guess you would have to be there to appreciate the subtle differences it has made to our......... vocab-u- larry!!

I cant wait for the weekend to start, she is well enough to go out as i hoped she would be in time for Sunday's treat. YAAAYY!!!!!

I love the fact I don't feel that NEEDY longing for her when we are apart, its nice and I don't get butterflies when I am to see her instead its like I glow from the inside out and feel all warm and loved up, I prefer that feeling Its like my heart grows inside.

I have a confession to make..... I have been spying on the Ex via her emails and finding out all the gossip on her new girlfriend couple that with the gossip from my best mate about what is going on for her I have a very clear picture of how shit her life is and how shallow she is and that nothing has changed, I also realised yes i did love her but was never in love with her and thus felt sorry for her more than anything, how patronising and mean I know but its true.

She regularly asks about me and wants to know who I am seeing and what my life is like and she gets just enough info to let her know I couldn't be happier now.

I shouldn't read her emails that is a terrible invasion of her privacy and to be honest I shall stop because I wouldn't like it done to me but I found her password by sheer accident and even though I try to forget it I cant, I don't think I do it because I actually care, I think it is just my way of having one over on her. It is embarrassing to admit but once you know you can do it, it is hard not do. Let me know in the poll below what you would do.

Bad Blogger Bad Blogger!!!!!!!

Living Vs Existing

I am finally living and not just existing.

Thank you for your comment Ken, it made me smile and also reminded me that I still have readers although I thought I had lost them all due to making my blog password protected earlier...... You are right a healthy skepticism is needed for such things and we all posses some ability, the human error thing is the real clincher though isnt it, some are more wrong than others and even the most experienced can get it wrong, I think the trick is to not live your life by the instruction of others without consulting your self first because in short you know what decidions to make that suit you.

So here is an update.

I am finally appreciating my life and so grateful that I cant help but smile everyday, Special K and I are going great, we have not once fallen out which makes a change from the last one, even though it is still early days but we have been spending lots of time together and having great sex and amazing Scenes together too that really get me going. The visit before last we had so much sex I was sore and boss eyed but every minute of it was fab, for 6 days we shagged everywhere, she at one point fully clothed pinned me down on the dining room table after a night out at a mate of hers for dinner and pulled out a strap-on and did me till I couldn't walk, my knees were so weak, only to continue for another couple of hours in the bedroom upstairs, and that has been generally how we have been.

We laugh so hard we both stop breathing gasping for air, such as the one occasion we were being really serious and out of the blue I accidentally whacked her in the mouth with Mr. Blue causing her to whack me back intentionally with Mr. Green ( a smaller toy of joy) and both of us beating the heck out of each other ( playfully of course) with respective vibrating accessories until one stopped and called time as we rolled around on the bed laughing and me landing on the floor in a paralysed state of laughter.

I often catch my self thinking of her and the time not too long ago that I wanted to take my own life and things were so dark I couldn't see clearly and now....... Now I am so happy the other day back from the Trafford centre where we laughed and giggled, I sat in the car and she said something that made me laugh then the next thing I knew I was bawling my eyes out through sheer happiness and I couldn't stop crying and repeating "I cant believe I am so happy". She just cuddled me and in her Northern accent said " its alright Kid I'm here and you deserve to be happy"...GOD she makes me melt just thinking about her.

She is everything I dreamed of and more but I think I said all that in the last post. Anyway OK back to updating and less mushy stuff... She is currently at mine and I have been nursing her for almost a week she had terrible flu ( not man flu) and I have been nursing her back to health, not sleeping through the night just so I can listen out for her and making her hot honey and lemon at 4am just so she can sooth her throat as the constant coughing was intolerable for her, also making sure the room was a good temperature and generally doing my best to make sure she had all she needed.

Monday I had to go to the hospital for another check up and consultation regarding my infertility, well it is confirmed I have to have what is called an Abdominal Myomectomy... My Fibroids are now so large they are the size of a 16 week old feotus...Niiiiiice!! So this is a big operation that on the down side could mean removal of my womb or a blood transfusion, on the upside a higher chance but no guarantee of me getting pregnant. I will be in hospital for 3 days and have to be off work for about 4 -6weeks ( joy...not)

Anyway it was nice in the appointment because I think the consultant knew we were together as she asked her if she had any questions or worries about me having the procedure even though I introduced her as my mate for moral support. I have a pre assessment on the 14th April and the surgery on the 9th June...... shiting bricks??? You bet your genitals I will be!!!!


On Monday I also had my counselling exam and the week prior I lost my portfolio on the tube ARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Just the thing you want to happen two weeks before it is due to be handed in as part of your exam :o(..... So having to do another one and make up 3months work in one week. I called TFL lost property but still nothing.. :o(... OH well.......

OOhh I am going to see a psychic (recommended to me) over the weekend and I am taking Special K to a very luxurious london spa for the day to get her back to health, treatments consisting of mud wraps, 30 min aromatherapy massages and generally lazing by the pool, jacuzzi, steam room and saunas being waited on hand and foot and treated like a Queen for the day all for the lovely price of a short holiday in Greece but we don't have that kind of time off work so this will have to do for now, I tried to keep it as a surprise but I couldn't and ended up crumbling under the excitement of it all.

I took her shopping a couple weeks back and bought her some cool trainers and a really nice top, she loved it. I don't spend money on her to make her like me any more than she already does I just have finally found someone who appreciates the way I treat her physically and emotionally and after her Ex well....... lets just say the family thinks I am an angel in disguise and my mother thinks the same about her too.

hmmm... off to think of anything else I may have forgotten, I will try to update this more often.

I re -read the last post and saw a couple things I didn't update.

Chris Rock show ROCKED My brother loved it and so did I, I thougt he was brill.
Mum made a great meal for the first time meeting Special K and they got on like a house on fire, my mum was on top form making us both laugh till all of us choked on our rice N peas. At one point I aske my mum what she thought of my new perfume..... my mums response..... " Hmmmm it... it kinda ... It smells like Cat PISS!!".... OM FUCKING GOD.. NO she didnt my mum just said in front of my new girlfreind that I smelt of cat piss...... I was in shock and special K just wet herself laughing, my mum then wanted me to smell one she liked and in true form I smelt it and said " it smells like sweaty testicles !!!" just to get my own back, to which my mum replied... " yes I like that smell" definantly and as indignant as could be..... Well what do you say to that??? We just all laughed.

It was all in good humour and my mum even moved in for a cuddle and told us to be careful on or night out and thanks for coming. My mum if funny about people she meets for the first time, she didnt like the bitch but never told me that, mum even said Special K was cute and she liked the way she came across, genuine and relaxed, the only thing she wasnt sure about was that she dressed and looked like a boy LOL and had short hair, but I kindly reminded my mum that was how I liked them androgynous.

Cloud Eight

Well, thought now is as good a time as any to update this thing.

feel very strange today i woke up fine a little tired but fine, i generally dont have a mood on for no reason, i am not one to "wake up on the wrong side of the bed" so when i got up this morning it was much the same as any other morning. I was ok got ont he tube fine and was even rocking to the music on my Mp3 player and assisted a blind man on his journey, but i step into work and a grey cloud hovers over head and i am not sure why.

The weekend was good I had a mate over on saturday whom i hadnt seen in about 2 years and we got pisshed on champagne and donoughts and a couple beers thrown in for good measure. I am such a light weight. WEnt to bed late after calling My girl and being a little silly she laughed and thougt it was funny...... Early days yet though LOL.

Sunday I took my ma to see Afrika Afrika!! at the O2 centre and she loved it it started at 7pm and finished about 10pm I was dead on my feet but really enjoyed the show, couldnt wait to get home though.

I am going to pull a sickie from work friday and monday so i can have extra days with special 'K'. Naughty I know but bollocks to it i deserve to. I have college tonight and have home work to do.
I am really looking froward to her coming I got a valentines card specially made for her and due to be delivered to her work place on the 13 or 14th, I didnt want to risk it being late so i have it due to be sent on the 12th just incase.

I have also started looking into legalities re the co parenting stuff just in case this year is the year, i have been told by one gifted person that I will have a baby girl and she is either due in september or i will concieve her in september. hmmm... not sure about that any way I ahve another appointment to see the specialist on the 10th of March so i look forward to that.

I have been doing alot of visualisations lately and hoping not to have to have surgery for my fibroids and that I am given the all clear to try again soon. I will let you know. I am also booked in to see a very good clairvoyant psychic on the 15th March so i will update on that.

I have also decided to look into whether or not i have gifts myself so i have enrolled on a psychic development course levels 1-3 so we will see what happens. I am not a guillable person and i am a healthy sceptic but i also think that it would be pretty arrogant of us to think that there is nothing else in life only what we can see and comprehend, we cant even undertsand the human brain so that surely tells us something.... we are no where near being able to understand the complexities of life and the potentials within the ones we have.

So much to the dismay and ridicule of others ( not my freind or fam thankfully) I am embarking on a journey that is not the norm but couldnt do me any harm. Special K is really supportive even though she doesnt understand it and is a little fearful of it, she thinks that I do have a special gift of some kind and that it can only help me learn more about me inthe long run anyway.

I am not interested in knowing the lottery numbers or being able to predict the death or life of others i wuld just like to be able to understand my own life and my place in it and also if there is life after this one, i may never know for sure but i am prepared to suspend my disbelief for a while just to be open to it and see what i get.

I believe we all have intuition/psychic ability just some peoples are stronger than others.

Anyway today i am feeling especially crabby but hopefully as the day goes on it will be better, I have also just become a mystery shopper and have my first assignment on wednesday so looking forward to that and also getting paid.

Volunteering my time

Well since the last post i have looked up more volunteer places to help out, one of which being a lgbt helpline and also the samaritans helpline.

I am counting down to the time she arrives, and she says she has 3 surprises for me, oh my I will let you know what they are, she sent me a little butterfly last night in the post with reference to something we said about butterflies and me. longstory but she is really thoughtful.

Soo excited I am. Gonna get my home work done tominght as I know that I wont have time to so it before monday and I may forget. I am cacking it she is going to meet my mum on sunday arrgghhhh!!! anyway.

I am feeling positive that this is summin special, but who knows. on reflection it all seems very weird and very quick as my life went from near suicidal to doing a full 180 and all highs, i am still taking my tabs and i dont feel at all unstable LOL, aside from giddy with love.

I went through a period of time thinking that maybe this was just my way of coping and was i running into the arms of the first person who came along but that is not the case, but i did do some soul searching. I had to tell the Floridian that i couldnt be what she wanted, i couldnt she was not the one for me, i couldnt tell her I loved her and she wanted that from me even though i said that i didnt want a relationship when we first started talking. We still talk and she is dating someone else so its all ok.

My ex is asking about me alot and my best mate tells me she is still missing me even though she is seeing someone else, i am really glad she is happy with another at least i hope she is. just so she is out of my business. Although secretly i would love her to see my new bird by accident as she is Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooorrrrgeous, striking blue eyes and dark hair 6ft tall super fit and sexy looks great in a bikini heehee and so stunning she once got a snog from a famous celebrity who is so sexy with an even more famous sister.

as well as being really drop dead gorgeous I cant believe my luck she has the kindest warmest heart i have ever come across. And she found me. wow. I feel so blessed. And the sex is amazing fucking hell i didnt think i could get better sex but she is so good LOL. why was she single? I was wondering when i realised how great she was, then i remembered she has just come out of a 9 year relationship with a woman that she didnt love anymore and they both agreed it should have ended years ago but they stayed loyal anyway. When i met her she was just lookiong for mates.

Anyway enough about her for now as i can feel myself gushing and getting all mushy.

I am off home now to pamper myself and do my nails and change the bedding and make the house all nice and tidy. so glad i am working the morning so time will go quickly i cant believe the day is finally here it feels like months since i last saw her, it was only 3 weeks ago LOL.

My LCD 32" tv had to be taken today so i am a little bereft LOL as i have no tv in my bedroom now but hey !!! I am not complaining just hope they can fix it. But some how i doubt i will miss it this weekend ;o)

All Grown Up - the big 3 0

Its been ages and so much has happened, shouldnt have left it so long.

run down.....

• neck pain better, odd twinge nothing to worry about




• tinnitus still annoying




• fallen in love with a wonderful person whom i have met before in another life time and who was told about me in a dream by her aunty who passed away before she even met me.




• started counselling course to become a trained counsellor




• working again




• keeping a gratitude journal




• had operation for cysts and endometriosis and recovered well, another op is needed to remove fibroids and wont be abel to get pregnant until they are removed.




• taking my girlfriend so see kelly rowland at G A Y




• mum wants to meet new girlfriend so has invited her for dinner on sunday, she didnt even do that with ex the bitch




• family have made an effort to spend time with me and stuff




• off to see chris rock with my baby brother tomorrow




• exploring my psychic abilities and meditating more.

I am basically too busy living my life to blog but i know it is something that i should do more, so apologies. I will try to get this up to speed without boring you too much.

well I turned 30 yesterday and it was nice i spent the enitire weekend dancing and being happy and having meals and stuff with friends and family, my g/f made me a card or should i say cardsss

and each one she wrote a word starting with the corresponding letter how i made her feel and how special i was she made 13 cards and also sent me a photocopy of her hand as she missed holding mine...... also when i went home one night i found a hand made card with a heart mate out of glitter on the front, inside she said that she knew that after being away i mentioned i was going home to bills and she wanted to make sure i got summin that made me smile.... she is soo lovely. Today i booked her in for some massage treatments at the body shop for her a nd a mate to have a facial, hand massage and foot massage to this evening, she called me up and was so blown away that i thought about her and did this.

She said that no one had ever thought about her in that way before and that she was so surprised, apparently her mum welled up saying thats the kind of girl she needs and her sister couldnt believe i was so thoughtful and said that she cant wait to meet me and that we were welcome at hers anytime. WAit till i turn up at the Kelly show and she has no idea, i have it all planned we will be talking then i will tell her to look up at the sign and she will see who we are going to see. I am so crap at keeping secrets that i know will make someone so happy it is taking all my strength not to tell her or give her a clue.

more about her another time.

i have decided to keep a gratitude journal because sometimes i think i am ungrateful and forget the little things that happen in my life to make me happy and smile, my life could be so much worse, i have it easy and i need to acklnowledge that, yes at times it gets hard but thats life and i ahve to do what i can to deal with it but not forget the good things that also happen and generalise my life as being less than and unfulfilled. I am very very lucky i have people who trully love me, family who care and are there for me, freinds who think the world of me and a good head on my shoulders a nice roof over my head and all the rest of it.

So my new years resoloution is to not stress anymore about stuff that are petty and try to live in the moments as often as i can. Also to meditate alot more.

Weird things have been happening to me lately I seem to be having visions of things such as one morning i was half asleep and heard the post man, i thought shit more bills or summing sounds like a lot of mail, but i went back to sleep as i was dozing back off i had a vision that i opened the mail and it was a christmas card from a freind i hadnt heard from in a while. i fell asleep for a couple more hours and then when i woke to tackle the mound of post i knew was waiting for me i saw one white envelope........ a christmas card from that friend. coincidence?

Saturday before last i was slightly dozzy and wondered what the time was as i was so tired and didnt want to get up yet, as i was dozing back off to sleep asked in my mind what time it was and the numbers 08:39am flashed infront of my eyes, i immediately woke up as i had to be up by 9am and looked at my mobile by the bed ( i dont have a clock in my room) and its said 08:38am i thought ooh another fluke.........was watching gmtv a couple days later and looked at the time and looked at my phone dunno why.... my phone was exactly 1 minute slow. weird?

anyway my mum finally admitted to me she is a psychic and since then i ahve been able to accept somethings a little better and working on my own abilities that are numerous now i have started remember them and keep a record. will keep you updated if i get the lottery numbers.

well not sure what else to say for now i think that maybe enough until i think of other things to tell ya.