life sucks again!
special K is now shitty K and very passive aggressive as it turns out. How does an explanation of ones feelings turn into a full blown 2 day row????
living in a one bedroom flat sucks when there are two people living in it and an argument breaks out.
my job is becoming stressful now, handling a high profile individual who has captured the world's media attention and the stress is killing me, my mother is being made homeless due to her landlord not paying the mortgage even though my mum has been paying the rent and now my mum is on jsa at 50 after having lost her job so now she has no money to put down a deposit for another home even with my help, my aunty died 25th feb buried on the 13th march, then her son dies on the 26th march and to top it off I am paying to be depressed every week by attending Weight Watchers and not shifting much weight or putting it on. I am just exhausted. typing this from pda so sorry for not going into great detail now but the atmosphere sucks and talking right now feels pointless.
the argument has turned into the kind that every couple has at some point in their relationship, no one's budging.
I feel under immense pressure to fix things for others or at least offer them solutions but I don't have anywhere that I can turn when I need that sort of help.
I am very analytical and enjoy chewing the fat on isues till I find a solution, pondering possibilities and alternative perspectives to help me gain greater understanding of my life and of people but very few in my life do that. my friend says most intelligent people suffer from depression ...I sometimes find the descriptive word intelligent used in reference to a persons IQ/level if understanding a tad insulting as Monkeys are intelligent, in fact plants have traces of intelligence and even soap powders are being advertised as having "intelligent stain seekers". Nonetheless most people think its a compliment....I remember being schooled on the difference between being intelligent, erudite and genius.... I like to think I sit between the latter two with variations of random stupidity and common intelligence.
today I am staying in bed, doing this allows me to switch off and in some ways I guess make a point,
I haven't been eating again, since sunday well saturday if u include the run up to it where I refused to eat much at all allday then having only chicken and salad at sunday lunchtime.
I know this silence can't continue...I really love her but where do we go from here? I hope to have an epihany over the next day or so
Wednesday 8 April 2009
Monday 26 January 2009
Infertlity is a major fuck up not many can understand
No.. Really it's true. Unless you suffer from it you just don't get it! And even when you do... You still don't get it.
Today I had yet another hospital appointment, late one night i decided to email my consultant and demand he see me personally this time as his nurses were not taking my concerns about my scarring seriously.
I got an email back and he scheduled me in. Today I turn up on time and made to sit and wait for TWO HOURS!! OK so there was an emergency but blimey two hours? That's just ridiculous.
Made me late for my next appointment and so have to go an apologise tomorrow for not even showing up. I couldn't even call to let them know that.
Anyway, I am still over weight according to the fucking BMI Chart that has not been altered or updated since the 1950's. I am 6ft tall and a dress size 18 that looks like I am no bigger than a 16 and yet I am still over weight I have lost 8 1/2 lbs in 2 weeks for goodness sake.
Well I need to lose more I know that, I have a really ugly keloid scar now instead of the neat bikini scar I was told I would have after my surgery....it does wonders for my confidence.
I have to wait up to 12 months to receive IVF, its killing me.
Special K's sister and in fact the entire family are brimming with new baby joys and she is going up to visit when her sister has the baby in a couple weeks time, I wont be going. unless you know what it's like to lose a child, have a still born or simply not be able to conceive you wouldn't understand, her sister does.
It has made me really suffer from the green-eyed monster and it makes me mad that it does, I have never envied anyone for anything in my life....except now. I am so mad and bitter about it and mad at myself for being mad. It's no ones fault, and certainly not hers, at times it feels like the only way I can express my frustration is by blaming myself, what did I do wrong in my life, why me? The one thing I really wanted.
I cam home today ..fine not mad.. then her I saw i had to yet again sort dinner, not that I mind usually but shit I also saw the clothes were left in the washing machine from when I put them in this morning and first I was getting help then AGAIN the family call and I am left doing it all myself the bread was burnt in the oven and to make it worse it was the pregnant sister.... Her timing was just off, nothing to do with her I was just pissed.
Special K walked off and left me to it...... again! I just flipped when I opened the oven trying to multi task jobs she hadn't done and saw the burnt offering I just threw it and stormed out, we were also in the midst of a conversation.
I was irrational at that point I know and any other day I would have been fine but the timing was bad, I walked for about an hour int he dark crying looking at the ground feeling numb and angry all at once, nothing worse than being angry about something that isn't any ones fault... it just is.
I have come back home and don't want to talk about it, I think special K got the hint, she has retired to bed at 7:15pm. She sounds like she has been crying but about what I don't know, she isn't the one suffering. She even when in the wrong goes on the defensive and acts mad at you for being mad at her and then she doesn't have to do anything but just be mad.
I would just like her, someone anyone to understand that this is the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking thing to have to deal with aside from death and ill health. She doesn't want to bear children the way I do, she tried to adopt years ago and that fell through and yes she was gutted by that but since she has said that she wouldn't go through that again it was too painful for her which I can understand, but that also mean in my mind that she has come to the conclusion and the acceptance that she will not have kids of her own and that all her efforts are best spent with the kids in their family. I don't have that alternative option.
It gets worse as I get a year older I know. And I know being mad and jealous won't get me any closer to my desire, yet I cant help feeling it. It doesn't take away from the fact that I am happy for those that have children as I really am, sincerely ....but I am just more sad for myself...it hurts, it really hurts right now.
Today I had yet another hospital appointment, late one night i decided to email my consultant and demand he see me personally this time as his nurses were not taking my concerns about my scarring seriously.
I got an email back and he scheduled me in. Today I turn up on time and made to sit and wait for TWO HOURS!! OK so there was an emergency but blimey two hours? That's just ridiculous.
Made me late for my next appointment and so have to go an apologise tomorrow for not even showing up. I couldn't even call to let them know that.
Anyway, I am still over weight according to the fucking BMI Chart that has not been altered or updated since the 1950's. I am 6ft tall and a dress size 18 that looks like I am no bigger than a 16 and yet I am still over weight I have lost 8 1/2 lbs in 2 weeks for goodness sake.
Well I need to lose more I know that, I have a really ugly keloid scar now instead of the neat bikini scar I was told I would have after my surgery....it does wonders for my confidence.
I have to wait up to 12 months to receive IVF, its killing me.
Special K's sister and in fact the entire family are brimming with new baby joys and she is going up to visit when her sister has the baby in a couple weeks time, I wont be going. unless you know what it's like to lose a child, have a still born or simply not be able to conceive you wouldn't understand, her sister does.
It has made me really suffer from the green-eyed monster and it makes me mad that it does, I have never envied anyone for anything in my life....except now. I am so mad and bitter about it and mad at myself for being mad. It's no ones fault, and certainly not hers, at times it feels like the only way I can express my frustration is by blaming myself, what did I do wrong in my life, why me? The one thing I really wanted.
I cam home today ..fine not mad.. then her I saw i had to yet again sort dinner, not that I mind usually but shit I also saw the clothes were left in the washing machine from when I put them in this morning and first I was getting help then AGAIN the family call and I am left doing it all myself the bread was burnt in the oven and to make it worse it was the pregnant sister.... Her timing was just off, nothing to do with her I was just pissed.
Special K walked off and left me to it...... again! I just flipped when I opened the oven trying to multi task jobs she hadn't done and saw the burnt offering I just threw it and stormed out, we were also in the midst of a conversation.
I was irrational at that point I know and any other day I would have been fine but the timing was bad, I walked for about an hour int he dark crying looking at the ground feeling numb and angry all at once, nothing worse than being angry about something that isn't any ones fault... it just is.
I have come back home and don't want to talk about it, I think special K got the hint, she has retired to bed at 7:15pm. She sounds like she has been crying but about what I don't know, she isn't the one suffering. She even when in the wrong goes on the defensive and acts mad at you for being mad at her and then she doesn't have to do anything but just be mad.
I would just like her, someone anyone to understand that this is the most gut wrenching, heartbreaking thing to have to deal with aside from death and ill health. She doesn't want to bear children the way I do, she tried to adopt years ago and that fell through and yes she was gutted by that but since she has said that she wouldn't go through that again it was too painful for her which I can understand, but that also mean in my mind that she has come to the conclusion and the acceptance that she will not have kids of her own and that all her efforts are best spent with the kids in their family. I don't have that alternative option.
It gets worse as I get a year older I know. And I know being mad and jealous won't get me any closer to my desire, yet I cant help feeling it. It doesn't take away from the fact that I am happy for those that have children as I really am, sincerely ....but I am just more sad for myself...it hurts, it really hurts right now.
Thursday 15 January 2009
Bad Feeling
Woke up today feeling that something is'nt right.
Not sure what it is, not sure why, just something isnt right today and I dont like the feeling, I am a little stressed out with the volunteer work I am doing, need to find cash but this is the perfect job from me and I want to continue, need to get sponsorship of some kind.
I am tired and stressed today, I seem to be getting more and more work to do for this thing and in a way it is ok I love it and it satiates the control freak in me, on the other hand I can see a catch 22 situation happening, I think I am the best person for the job and like the control but then when I get stressed out I dont have anyone to take the load for me.
I am watching the programme http://www.comedy.org.uk/guide/tv/plus_one/ in hope it will make me laugh.
It is sort of working LOL.
I am still feeling ...BLUE... LOL... but no that bad.
OMG who has been watching CBB..? Or should I say who isn't!
BEN - Good looking boy, thoughtful, cautious and intelligent
Coolio - Acting like a dick 'ead!! Relentless and annoying, I also think BB should have warned him before now about teasing someone to the point of making them cry that IS Bullying!! especially when they tell you to stop it over and over again.
LaToya - sweet thoughtful and considerate I think she is able to stay calm as she has her own room at night so at least she gets some solitude which is what she is used to.
must go now will list the rest later, mum is coming over and I want to wash up and tidy the house and get dressed. I don't know why I always feel the need to tidy whenever my mum comes round but i do must be the way she raised me and my need for approval that I keep a clean and tidy home.
Not sure what it is, not sure why, just something isnt right today and I dont like the feeling, I am a little stressed out with the volunteer work I am doing, need to find cash but this is the perfect job from me and I want to continue, need to get sponsorship of some kind.
I am tired and stressed today, I seem to be getting more and more work to do for this thing and in a way it is ok I love it and it satiates the control freak in me, on the other hand I can see a catch 22 situation happening, I think I am the best person for the job and like the control but then when I get stressed out I dont have anyone to take the load for me.
I am watching the programme http://www.comedy.org.uk/guide/tv/plus_one/ in hope it will make me laugh.
What do you do when your girlfriend leaves you to marry Duncan from boyband Blue? You decide to outshine them on their wedding day, that's what!
Plus One follows the best efforts of Rob Black as he tries to secure a beautiful woman as his date to the wedding in an attempt to get his own back on his ex-girlfriend.
Struggling to restore his self-esteem after his girlfriend Linsey left him and a freak sewage pipe explosion wrecked his flat, Rob can't help comparing Duncan's life to his own miserable existence. Even his family and friends think that Duncan is better than him.
But when he receives an invitation to Duncan and Linsey's wedding, Rob sees an opportunity to get his own back: "I'm single, homeless, sleeping on my sister's couch and everything I own smells of shit, but the invitation says 'plus one'. So, while I'm never going to be as impressive as Duncan from Blue, I'll take a date along who is. I'll be fighting fire with fire. Sexy fire."
Ludicrous as this sounds, Rob strikes gold when his colleague Laura suggests he has a date with her gorgeous flatmate Nicky. Rob takes a purely platonic approach in his mission to secure a beautiful date for the big day, but Nicky's interest in him makes Rob deviate from his original plan: maybe there could be something more there... A disastrous second date nearly ruins everything but Rob reckons that with a bit of top-rank grovelling he could still walk into Linsey's wedding with the most beautiful girl in the world. Unless of course he screws up badly...
Over the five new episodes, with the wedding date fast approaching, Rob becomes increasingly desperate to attract a date that will restore his pride.
It is sort of working LOL.
I am still feeling ...BLUE... LOL... but no that bad.
OMG who has been watching CBB..? Or should I say who isn't!
BEN - Good looking boy, thoughtful, cautious and intelligent
Coolio - Acting like a dick 'ead!! Relentless and annoying, I also think BB should have warned him before now about teasing someone to the point of making them cry that IS Bullying!! especially when they tell you to stop it over and over again.
LaToya - sweet thoughtful and considerate I think she is able to stay calm as she has her own room at night so at least she gets some solitude which is what she is used to.
must go now will list the rest later, mum is coming over and I want to wash up and tidy the house and get dressed. I don't know why I always feel the need to tidy whenever my mum comes round but i do must be the way she raised me and my need for approval that I keep a clean and tidy home.
Monday 12 January 2009
Highs and lows
It's been months I know, I thought I should keep my blog though just in case I felt the need to vent....the time has come again.
My life has been amazingly high and occassionally low. The relationship is as strong as ever and I am still madly in-love with her as I was last year. We live together now! It's nice, no arguing no fights the odd disagreement but mostly laughing and sillyness to keep eachother happy.
That laughter got me through the second surgery my recovery was so quick, I am sure it was because of Special K. Sometimes I think we are too playful, I say she is too silly but that sillyness keeps me sane and kept me sane during the really tough parts of last year.
I was travelling back and forth to Manchester every other weekend and feeling as though I couldnt continue a long distance relationship but we never ended it, no matter how much I wanted the pain to end of being so far and the journeys taking their toll on my health I couldnt let go.
Now a year on from meeting online that fateful day I am living with the love of my life and.......and.....the rest..
Surgery scars that make me cry for the child I have yet to bear and for this I must endure so much physical pain and heartbreak before it is even here. Will it ever happen? Maybe? Maybe not! I have been told I cant have one without assistance from the hospital so...Homerton here I come.
I hate being this age and childless, I hate hearing that oneday it will happen, I hate hearing if it doesnt there are other options...
A tip: if a woman is struggling to conceive and she is venting dont tell her there are other options like adoption or fostering or surogacy.......DONT TELL HER THAT! SHE DOESNT WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT!!!!! I see a pattern though...women who dont have the desire to have kids themselves physically say that shit to other women.. Men who say it can almost be forgiven.
It's my birthday soon...next week actually.... 31, I am getting older than I wanted to be having my first child and it hurts and makes me sad, so sad i just want to rage at God or whatever is out there that has forced me to jump through hoops to do this, as if I wont have a hard enough job being a parent if it ever happens! And now after the surgery it still may never happen ....no guarantee it will. What did I do? What choice did I make that made me deserve this fight?
Anyway aside from that, I am also volunteering for a terminally ill woman, she is brave and since meeting her she has helped me see how lucky I am but even she said it's different, you have your off days and her pain is no greater than mine she says, somehow I can beg to differ, if I was her I would be mad as hell. I am glad she is in my life, I can see when I make her happy and that is nice. I cant say too much about her as she is quite a noticeable character annd my blog wouldnt be private if I gave more clues away about what I am doing now but I love it.
My Nan died in November, saw her for the first time in years and she was nothing like I remembered, Cancer made her really ill. I cried and cried and cried it was so hard I had never seen someone so ill in my life and never seen someone I love slowly dying before, well now I have someone else in my life whom I love and who is terminally ill, I hope she lives for a long time though. She is only 29.
To be honest I cam on here tonight to winge about poor me, poor poor me so sad tonight because I am not yet a mother, Life is'nt fair, I dont know if I even believe in GOD anymore. I dont think there is one. I dont think good things happen to good people, I dont think bad things happen to bad people, I used to think that if you lived your life good you will live well and get what you deserve.....Am I getting mine??? Maybe somewhere down the line Iwas such a bitch I deserve to not be able to have kids... maybe my Ex was right?!
I'm getting older and I never wanted to be a first time mum past the age of 26 let alone 30.... I personally think it selfish for kids to get old parents, I think it's unfair to have kids too old, I worry enough at 30 about my mum who is 50, about her being safe at night and being able to get around and do things in 10-20 years time....I dont want my kids worrying about that stuff when they are 15-20yrs old!!! Some ...infact I am sure many would disagree but I think it is selfish I saw my friends lives made so miserable because their parents looked like they were the same age of many of our grandparents.....I was the only person they really confided in, I vowed never to put my kids though that especially as a first and possibly only child.
I work all the hours god send on this thing just to help someone other than myself and to try to make a difference, I even came up with a great design to help visually impaired people... the RNIB are in talks with me about it right now and the design concept.
I am raising money for cancer care and research and I am trying to help make a difference....just so that I dont think about what A WASTE my life could have been in a couple years when I am still childless.
I have tried to find support groups as my lovely g/f doesnt understand but I cant seem to find any other lesbians who have had all my issues, PCOS, endometriosis AND Fibroids And a Lesbian. the Lesbain bit is a big factor as I need to be able to identify, Yes I am sure there are straight women out there that could give just as much support.....but it wouldnt be the same at all...it just wouldnt be.
If anyone knows a lesbian with all these issues please do get in-touch I am so lonely with this problem I need someone to talk to who truly gets it and has been where I am or is where I am so we can give mutual support.
Speaking of which I completed my first course in counselling training last year.
I am cat sitting and getting frustrated finding them onthe bed as i invariably wake up with cat fur in my mouth and I hate it.
I am on weight watchers to lose 2 stone before May, with special K - the person not the cereal - I think I can do it this time
Tonight I cant think of anything else I want to say but that I am crying again, Special K is in bed, she knows I am upset and she knows her limits on being able to offer support when it comes to the whole age baby thing, I prefer she just kiss me goodnight and tell me she loves me then to patronise me with talk about other alternatives and the such......
She asked me what I wanted for my birthday yesterday Morning... I said in all seriousness... " A baby please"... If only it were that simple..... I am getting a pair of headphones instead.
If someone gave me one wish it would be that right now...Just to be pregnant will do me thank you.
My life has been amazingly high and occassionally low. The relationship is as strong as ever and I am still madly in-love with her as I was last year. We live together now! It's nice, no arguing no fights the odd disagreement but mostly laughing and sillyness to keep eachother happy.
That laughter got me through the second surgery my recovery was so quick, I am sure it was because of Special K. Sometimes I think we are too playful, I say she is too silly but that sillyness keeps me sane and kept me sane during the really tough parts of last year.
I was travelling back and forth to Manchester every other weekend and feeling as though I couldnt continue a long distance relationship but we never ended it, no matter how much I wanted the pain to end of being so far and the journeys taking their toll on my health I couldnt let go.
Now a year on from meeting online that fateful day I am living with the love of my life and.......and.....the rest..
Surgery scars that make me cry for the child I have yet to bear and for this I must endure so much physical pain and heartbreak before it is even here. Will it ever happen? Maybe? Maybe not! I have been told I cant have one without assistance from the hospital so...Homerton here I come.
I hate being this age and childless, I hate hearing that oneday it will happen, I hate hearing if it doesnt there are other options...
A tip: if a woman is struggling to conceive and she is venting dont tell her there are other options like adoption or fostering or surogacy.......DONT TELL HER THAT! SHE DOESNT WANT TO HEAR THAT SHIT!!!!! I see a pattern though...women who dont have the desire to have kids themselves physically say that shit to other women.. Men who say it can almost be forgiven.
It's my birthday soon...next week actually.... 31, I am getting older than I wanted to be having my first child and it hurts and makes me sad, so sad i just want to rage at God or whatever is out there that has forced me to jump through hoops to do this, as if I wont have a hard enough job being a parent if it ever happens! And now after the surgery it still may never happen ....no guarantee it will. What did I do? What choice did I make that made me deserve this fight?
Anyway aside from that, I am also volunteering for a terminally ill woman, she is brave and since meeting her she has helped me see how lucky I am but even she said it's different, you have your off days and her pain is no greater than mine she says, somehow I can beg to differ, if I was her I would be mad as hell. I am glad she is in my life, I can see when I make her happy and that is nice. I cant say too much about her as she is quite a noticeable character annd my blog wouldnt be private if I gave more clues away about what I am doing now but I love it.
My Nan died in November, saw her for the first time in years and she was nothing like I remembered, Cancer made her really ill. I cried and cried and cried it was so hard I had never seen someone so ill in my life and never seen someone I love slowly dying before, well now I have someone else in my life whom I love and who is terminally ill, I hope she lives for a long time though. She is only 29.
To be honest I cam on here tonight to winge about poor me, poor poor me so sad tonight because I am not yet a mother, Life is'nt fair, I dont know if I even believe in GOD anymore. I dont think there is one. I dont think good things happen to good people, I dont think bad things happen to bad people, I used to think that if you lived your life good you will live well and get what you deserve.....Am I getting mine??? Maybe somewhere down the line Iwas such a bitch I deserve to not be able to have kids... maybe my Ex was right?!
I'm getting older and I never wanted to be a first time mum past the age of 26 let alone 30.... I personally think it selfish for kids to get old parents, I think it's unfair to have kids too old, I worry enough at 30 about my mum who is 50, about her being safe at night and being able to get around and do things in 10-20 years time....I dont want my kids worrying about that stuff when they are 15-20yrs old!!! Some ...infact I am sure many would disagree but I think it is selfish I saw my friends lives made so miserable because their parents looked like they were the same age of many of our grandparents.....I was the only person they really confided in, I vowed never to put my kids though that especially as a first and possibly only child.
I work all the hours god send on this thing just to help someone other than myself and to try to make a difference, I even came up with a great design to help visually impaired people... the RNIB are in talks with me about it right now and the design concept.
I am raising money for cancer care and research and I am trying to help make a difference....just so that I dont think about what A WASTE my life could have been in a couple years when I am still childless.
I have tried to find support groups as my lovely g/f doesnt understand but I cant seem to find any other lesbians who have had all my issues, PCOS, endometriosis AND Fibroids And a Lesbian. the Lesbain bit is a big factor as I need to be able to identify, Yes I am sure there are straight women out there that could give just as much support.....but it wouldnt be the same at all...it just wouldnt be.
If anyone knows a lesbian with all these issues please do get in-touch I am so lonely with this problem I need someone to talk to who truly gets it and has been where I am or is where I am so we can give mutual support.
Speaking of which I completed my first course in counselling training last year.
I am cat sitting and getting frustrated finding them onthe bed as i invariably wake up with cat fur in my mouth and I hate it.
I am on weight watchers to lose 2 stone before May, with special K - the person not the cereal - I think I can do it this time
Tonight I cant think of anything else I want to say but that I am crying again, Special K is in bed, she knows I am upset and she knows her limits on being able to offer support when it comes to the whole age baby thing, I prefer she just kiss me goodnight and tell me she loves me then to patronise me with talk about other alternatives and the such......
She asked me what I wanted for my birthday yesterday Morning... I said in all seriousness... " A baby please"... If only it were that simple..... I am getting a pair of headphones instead.
If someone gave me one wish it would be that right now...Just to be pregnant will do me thank you.
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