Too Skinny for Skinny Jeans

Hey
Well I cant stay long tonight I am shattered, I have had less than 16 hours sleep in 3 days.. Knackered. Not because of sex, just a lot going on and not eating properly, In fact I am even too skinny for my skinny jeans that I bought a month ago, if that.

My diet has been going well and I find if I dont get to eat dinner I make some juice with at least 5 different fruit and veg and I am good to go to bed. Speaking of which I am really in need to go to bed and get my groove on with my new 32 inches... ooh I didnt think I could take more than 3 LOL

Anyway I will fill you in later on speaking to a Butch Daddi online and thinking about going to Florida for two weeks the week after next....

Adults Only

Image courtesy of Jill Posener @ jillposener.com Her book 'Nothing But The Girl' is pretty cool.

OK, due to the fact I have been up since about 6am reading this persons blog and stories (click on the post title) I have now only got one thing on my mind and contrary to my last post guess what that is......SEX.

Now, not just any kind of sex,Oh No! for it has to be the 'hardest kind to find sex'.......Kinky-butch/femme sex. The submisisons are so erotic I am beside myself with desire and there is nothing I can do about it, no one to turn to for relief.

Now just before I go any further, since gaining readers I have been thinking alot about how I may be judged i.e my Kinks and my quest for mother hood, and I think just for the record I want to say:

Having Kinks does not make a person a bad candidate for parenting, a non consensual pervert and nor does it make you lose all sense of principles and morals.

Just in case some of you were thinking along those lines.

Back to the topic at hand. Thank you to Sugarbutch ( not yet figured out how to include a short url in my posts...can anyone help?) for her blog and allowing it to be open to the public.


It reminded of possibly the best ever (bottom) sex I have ever had and I am (almost)desperately trying to find that connection again, unfortunately it only lasted a couple weeks ( one of the non starters I spoke about in my last post - not sure how to link to that either...help!).

I will call her .....Blue69.

We met on a lesbian dating website and she didnt have a picture, but for some reason I was curious about her, after reading her profile I sent her a message of some kind....my memory fails me on details before our first date... so I shall proceed from there.

We aranged to meet up and I was invited to lunch at a rather swanky resturant/bar/amazing view of the city type location. As well as being eager I was running about 30 mins late in my short denim skirt long boots and a black, sexy yet classy top, that from the right angle - namely from above - you could see my oh so ample cleavage.

I arrived eventually after making a courtesy call saying I was going to be late and offering my apologies, upon arriving I immediately made my way to the ladies to look fresh and sexy, not frazzled and sweaty. Completing the job making sure I had not over done the make-up I didnt want to keep her much longer so out I stepped.

She was sitting by the bar at the back. WOW... She had short dark hair, the most beautiful eyes and a smile that just said she was nervous yet pleased. I was impressed. I was also nervous. She was wearing a black shirt and jeans. We matched.

After greeting me with a kiss on the cheek she ordered me a drink and we sat for awhile, talking about what? I dont remember so....I fast forward.>>>>>

We have a table booked and as we wait for them to open up the restaurant we go outside and take a look at the view, I brought my new digital camera and was eager to get it out and take a few snaps. I took one and as she stepped closer behind me to see the Image I wanted to immortalise form over my shoulder, I got a whiff of her fragrance....my knees almost buckled, how I didn't notice it before I don't know I think it was the nerves, from that point on the sexual charge was intensifying.


We finished our meal and a bottle of champagne then decided to go further into town. we ended up at a movie, we watched 'Transamerica' I remember because I kept the ticket stub, that was the only thing I remember...OH and the fact that Blue69 looked slightly awkward siting next to me, sometimes I would catch a glimpse of her and it was as though her eyes were looking at the movie but she was not watching, in hindsight I think her mind was racing else where.

Then we went into a bar, I waltzed upstairs hoping to find a spot more quiet, less crowded but I was told by the staff it was closed until later that evening, I was disappointed, why? at that time I was not sure.

Downstairs we found a round table and settled on high bar stools and drank, I had a fruit juice, she had beer. She rested her left foot on the foot rest below my stool, parting my legs - I should have known what was coming - she ordered me in a stern whisper to part my legs wider and come closer, I was shy and refused, she didn't like that, and little did I know I would later pay for my refusal that night.

As we drank and talked about nothing I remember, we decided we wanted to go somewhere more comfortable, so I asked her to wait as I went upstairs to the toilet (mainly to check my make-up).

Granted I was up there for a little while and as I stepped out of the cubicle she was standing before me and pushed me back in, to my surprise she pushed me against the cubicle wall and I asked her what she was doing, she said she thought this was what I wanted as she pulled aside my knickers and finger fucked me, I was not quite wet enough but she didn't care and neither did. I had to grab her around the shoulders to steady myself as she made me come.

I was so flustered and dazed.

We left the bar and moved onto another in the heart of SOHO. As we drank we were definitely deliberately teasing each other from across the table with our eyes, our words and eventually we had to go back to mine. The sex that followed was amazing, she dominated me so expertly I didn't have a choice, my submission was hers for the taking and I wanted her to feel 'all powerful' over me and revel in it. That she did. And she made me pay. I deserved it.

She was able to read my body like no one has ever done before and that is something I crave, the intensity between us was raw and that is something I constantly crave. I didn't sleep more than 5 hours that entire weekend, every time I tried, as I turned my back to doze off she would gently grab my waist from behind and press herself against me.


That sends me wild and once discovered, she knew and used it well. I think the fact she was a Police woman and in charge of a team of people also turned me on. She knew how to be in control and she knew how to push me to the limit enough to keep me wanting more, even when I thought I knew I couldn't take any more.

I loved the way she would tell me her darkest fantasies whilst fucking me, I wanted to be the helpless characters in them for her, I wanted to help her live them consensually. I came even more alive through her story telling, stories I wont ever repeat but no doubt her new wife now knows all about.

I can not even begin to describe how she made me feel, it was not about having an orgasm for me, sex never is. For me it's the journey, the teasing, the roles, the "dance", the head fuck. The sensations that overwhelm me when I know the Butch top is gaining more strength through power and getting aroused by being in control of my mind and body, you see in life I am in control and in charge, well as much as one can be, but in the bedroom I like that control taken away-but only by one who knows what they are doing -so that I can trust and reveal myself.

It ended far too quickly, I didn't get the chance to really explore my sub side, this was over a year ago now. Why did it end so quickly? I wanted kids and she didn't, she also didn't want to just fuck and see how things go. So to save getting deeper we called the whole thing off. You cant force someone to want kids when they don't and you cant force someone to not have them.

Am I sad? yeah a little but only because it took me nearly 10 years to open up and find what my kink was and then to find someone who just got it. To find that again will be hard I think.

I haven't got a clue where to start looking, finding her was not planned, if only she eventually wanted kids as well as a relationship wih me, they choice was there, I knew she wanted me back then. I only hope she is happy now and can only wish her the best.

Blown away

Hey, I'm feeling a little better today, well this evening anyway, and thanks to my juicer.

After I got my juicer home last night I didnt have any fruit or veg good enough, so I chucked what I had out and decided that today after work I would buy some more.

Once home I start to wash and chop 2 carrots, 1/4 cucumber and two celery sticks with one orange.

The result was amazing!! My juicer is the fucking bollocks!! I love it. I was so amazed I couldnt help saying, "That's so amazing, That's so amazing".

I just have to share the pics with you.

Here just showing you my baby in action, the Pulp is really dry, slightest damp feeling to it.

Here, the amount I got out of my ingredients (including the dried cranberries)

And here, the lack of froth and gritty bits.....ACE!

I also went into Holland & Barratt and bought a lot of goodies including some Spirulina to add to my juices.

Just so you understand how ditzy I am sometimes, I even thought it a good idea to try and extract juice from the packet of dried Cranberries I purchased today....... * blush*

Here is my meal today, I actually enjoyed it... 2 organic discounted beef burgers (100% beef chopped) on a bed of salad and Alfalfa with mixed sprouts(not brussels....Yuck)

Not really in the mood to blog feelings today, I think I just want to focus on how fit I am going to be and how I will get pregnant by hook or by crook or a few operations. I am staying focused and determined to lose the weight.

Will blog more tomorrow eve....maybe. Watching the Reality channel about a real life haunting in Georgia. Mwaaa haa haaa. Night xx

NOW I'm FUCKING PISSED

One of my posts has mysteriously been deleted by the system......... I AM PISSED AS HELL, all these fucking glitches why did I bother with BLOGGER???

NO wonder people are leaving!!

FUCKING HELL... that one was everything happening in my life with SB and some real emotional stuff of reference and relevance to everything else going on in my life.....GRRRRRRRRRRRRR

FUCK!!!

Happy Monday my arse!

Morning,

01:03am I get a call from SB, I had only just managed to doze off to sleep and could not have been sleeping for longer than 40 mins when the phone rang rather loudly from under the pillow next to me. I ignored it. then I heard my text message go off. I ignored that too.

I was not being "cold" in fact I was doing the risk assessment in my mind that I have found I do so often when having communications with her. Was it a good idea to read the text now and possibly not get back to sleep for hours with work in the morning? or ...Should I ignore it and try not to worry that it will be something of high emergency and get back to sleep in a fraction of the time?

It was a hard decision to make, I would never want to ignore her in her time of need or what if something bad was happening to her and she called me and I later found out she was dead or being hurt? I would never and could never forgive myself ever.

So I read it in the morning before work, hoping it was nothing but instead it said:

Please talk to me im thinkin bout doing horrible things to myself

I was worried, I was upset, I don't want her to hurt as much as she is, I know she is sorry for all she has said but it does not change the fact she said them. I realised in that instant that she was manipulating me yet again and I also realised even though I cheated on her with two different people in the same time frame when we were in the first year of our relationship, I did so not because I wanted to hurt her or get my own back, I did so because she was hurting me so much, being abusive and violent.

It was not about her it was about me needing someone who didn't want to hurt me even though I still loved her and wished she would change. But when she hurts me, it is intentional and she goes for the jugular, like the time she called me a.....

Black Whore.

OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!... yes ...She did.... we split and she grovelled for months trying to get me back

She knew it would hurt -even though she was drunk- and also that I didn't tolerate racist remarks even in anger towards ANY race of people, to me I don't care how angry that person makes you, I would never ever say something bad about them that was unchangeable such as their skin colour, disability, culture etc.... That to me shows you have that in you and no matter how hard you try to deny it and say

It was only because I was angry, I said it in anger

It does not change the fact you said it, I would call you a fat bitch if I knew you ate junk food all the time and was too lazy to do anything about it if I am angry at you. but even then I don't generally have those insults pop into my head even in retaliation to something racist said to me, that's just mean and hurtful I am much more inclined to attack your behaviour or character. Is it just me!?!

Anyway... I sat on my bed and allowed myself to cry then I decided I had no choice but to text 'STUD' and ask her to make sure SB is ok as I didn't feel up to communicating with her even via a text message.

I got a call from STUD a few minutes later saying that she left a message on SB's voicemail but she didn't think anything was wrong with SB only she went out the night before got drunk and probably was feeling bad at the time, so nothing more is wrong with her than being drunk and trying to manipulate me as she is not getting any kind of response.

STUD also told me that she had been talking for hours on the phone to SB during Sunday afternoon and she was fine and said she was going to go out and party with friends.

I felt better knowing that she was OK.

I feel like shit again today, usually no matter what is going on with me I can put on a good mood for work but not today, I feel withdrawn and isolated in my stress, I don't feel like smiling, and I don't feel like talking to anyone even to answer the phone, but I am trying not to make it show. Don't you hate it when people ask you, are you OK? and if you have had a good weekend when you haven't? I am using all the strength I have to not say:

NO, IamfeelinglikeshitmyweekendwasworseandIjustwanttodiesilently have you got a hanky?

Breathe.....

Aside from that I had a very large package waiting for me at work today......YEP you guessed it ...My JUICERRRRRR!! That cheered me up somewhat. I can't wait to get juicing. I will post pics of my first attempt.

Speaking of which....

Here are the pics I said I would post in my previous posting about flowers received from SB on Saturday.

I have also decided to post pictures of meal ideas I concoct to help with my new healthy food combining regime. For those who don't know what 'Food Combining' is, it is also known as the 'Hay diet' . Basically not to mix carbohydrates such as rice, bread and pasta, potatoes etc.. with protein such as meat, fish, eggs etc..

http://www.formerfatguy.com/food-combine.asp

This is the second dish done in my new slow cooker prepared and set to cook for Sunday from the night before on a medium setting, should be ready by lunchtime Sunday Ha ha:

2 chicken thighs (without skin)

2 chicken legs (without skin)

4 whole carrots (chopped)

2 large whole onions (chopped)

2 handfuls of broad beans

2 handfuls of green and red lentils (I think they are neutral)

1 Handful of Golden linseed's

Black pepper and mixed herbs

1 pint of vegetable and chicken stock

A few dashes of soy sauce instead of salt and HEY PRESTO!!... (say that as you put it all in the pot and cover with the lid)

Here is the dish I concocted on Saturday after I returned from the Leisure centre

A handful of King prawns

A handful of chopped Salmon and Rainbow trout Pieces

1 small onion

some freshly chopped ginger (to taste)
Olive oil

And stir fry in a wok and served on a bed of salad and cucumber and cherry tomatoes and topped with Golden linseed's.

So what do you think? ....

Sick

My mood has changed, I think it started when my phone rang and it was SB. I didn't answer it.

Since, I have sat crying in the bath water, wishing my life was less difficult, it just feels like a struggle, I ache for a child and I have to go through so much for it and it isn't even here yet, and may never be. I am sick of loving someone who can say such hurtful things to me, I'm sick of not having a good fuck by a butch Top whenever I need it.

I am sick of rarely -like once every two years rarely - being sexually satisfied as a Bottom. I'm sick of being strong for everyone else, I'm sick of living alone but when I don't it never lasts, I'm sick of crying, sleeping in an empty bed every night, sick of London, sick of not feeling at all special, sick, sick sick of it all!

And most of all sick of feeling pre-menstrual.

This is how I get when I am 'Due On'...I cry a lot, I feel sorry for myself and I comfort eat.....not usually junk as I cant keep that stuff in my house but like today, I finished all the soup I made last night in the new slow cooker, gradually going back in the pot throughout the day....Need I say I am now farting like a trooper in between sobs and worrying what the heck I will do tomorrow when I cant fart freely in the office, as surely someone will ask me what died behind the radiator over the weekend?!

I need a strong, 6ft + tall, stone butch Top with a sturdy strap-on to take all my frustrations, fears and anxieties away and who will expertly assume total control/dominance over me for as long as I need it.

I hate feeling this low, I just cry and feel guilty for crying because things could be a lot worse, almost as though I don't feel like I have the right to cry. That only makes me feel worse.

Two posts in one day is that normal?!

God I need a cuddle right now.

A day of Blog things about me

Have yet to do anything, need to clean my home and contemplating going to Aqua Fitness class for the first time today.....I'll let you know what I decide later.

OOhh OOHhh Ooh!! I always do these personality tests and post them on message boards in the games forum but until now I have never had a blog to post my 'Blog Things' on.... so today I will be posting all the tests about me, no cheating, no only posting the positive results, I will post them all..... most of them were pretty accurate in the past and anyway I thought I would add a little more diversity and interest to my blog... I hope you find them as interesting as I do.... not even sure I am that interesting, do you ever think that?

You get a blog, you think "yeah!! I want the world and their mama to know what I think and what I go through in my life" then..... you wonder, does anyone even read it? I guess the trick is to do it for you then if someone finds your stories interesting, inspiring, encouraging and hopefully funny if that is your intention, then that's all good. I digress...

So here is my first blog thing about Family:

Your Family Is 19% Dysfunctional

While every family has its problems, your family is definitely better than most. You probably communicate well, and even if you disagree, you don't let it ruin relationships. Consider yourself lucky for having such a great family. Believe it or not, it's pretty rare! It may be hard to appreciate what you have at times, but it could be a whole lot worse.

That's pretty accurate to be honest, my mother and brother are my family the rest are relatives I don't see them often at all so.... but the three of us are strong and very very close we have respect for each other and we never have huge rows but we do disagree. When my mother and I are together we laugh till we both choke. On the other hand 'G' my baby brother is very quiet not too quiet like, you wonder if he is sneaky and up to no good quiet, just, 'not sure what he is thinking unless you ask him' quiet.

I guess because I talk to much the contrast is a little strange for me.

Next:

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You are always tactful and diplomatic. You let people down gently. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

WOW!!! Ok I am not gullible, but these things are pretty good.

I am doing the tests again and just choosing the answers that best represent me and how I feel... this one surprised me. It is true I do tend to keep a lot to myself which is probably why I decided to do this blog in the first place.

I don't like writing much and in the past my journals have been found, so this seemed the perfect way to have a little anonymity and still say what I like without being censored or restrained in anyway. I do change friends quickly but that is not because I am flaky, just because my life is always changing and I only have one friend who can keep up and who has fully accepted me and my faults too...

I love her very, very much we will call her 'Stud'. She is boyish, slim very funny and honest and has the kindest heart of anyone I have met. Even though she has all the qualities I look for in a match, I don't find her sexually desirable, but she gets shit loads of women from straight women to nurses at the hospital when she cut her hand.....

More about 'Stud' in a later post. Today is all about ME!!!! :o) Yaaay!!

O.K... Let's see... what test should I do next... hmmm?

You Are 74% Real

You know who you are, and you're pretty darn comfortable with yourself. Like everyone, you struggle with the parts of yourself that aren't so great... But you're good at accepting who you are and not dwelling on your faults. As a result, you're confident, optimistic, and very real.

That's not bad.. thought it would have been higher though, but I guess the fact I don't tell a lot of people about me lowers my percentage.

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

This test made me want to cry when I got to the neuroticism section, thinking back on the shit that has happened in my life I have had no choice but to "bounce back quickly". Sometimes SB would say I am a cold bitch, ice maiden, frosty and that I didn't care. She was soo wrong.... I am able to move forward even when I feel like I am going to crumble to dust because I have to be objective and have had to learn from an early age to get on in life you have to sometimes switch off.

I learnt that from my mum, watching her deal with issues of poverty and sometimes abuse from my father, having to leave us and going to do over night care work so that she could be there for us in the morning before we went to school and still put food in our mouths and decent clothes on our backs.

I know now that must have broken her heart to have to do that sometimes. The trust she must have had `in me at such a young age. I think that is why to this day I will always be my mothers right hand and any thoughts of suicide now, would just fade whenever I think about how it would crush her and all the strength she has would just be hanging inches away from steel spikes. I couldn't do that to her.

Wow these are turning into a good source of discussion and frankness from me to you..how unexpected, I am even shedding tears, that will probably be the build up of everything I am going through lately. O.K..... NEEEEEXT!!

Something a little more light hearted.... My star sign is Capricorn so this was also a good one...

You are 60% Capricorn

One more...

You Communicate With Your Body

This isn't as bad as it sounds, it just means that you're a "touchy-feely" person. You need a lot of affection in your life. And for you, this means both giving and receiving little touches. Warm hearted, you bond with people easily. In fact, you often feel a little sad when you're not in the company of others. A little moody, you tend to be controlled by your emotions. But a big hug always comforts you!

How Do You Communicate?

I don't get hugged enough I must admit.

OK Maybe that is enough for today.. they are highly addictive and al ot of fun, I may post some more later...... enjoy ya Sunday xx


OK just before I officially sign off for this hour I have to share with you the funniest show.. 'Runs House' on MTV Base its hilariously funny but a reality documentary about Run and his family, run used to be the other half of the well known 'Run DMC' from back in the day.....

"She's a HUMAN!!!"

This is funny, saw it on someone elses page and wanted to share it with you, this guy cant be for real.







I wanted to share some pics with you but the USB lead is at work so I will do it on monday.

I got up today and went to the leisure centre to do the 'Total Body Workout' class. I knew it was not going to be easy but fuckin' ell I almost died after doing step movements for 40 mins.

Now, I KNOW how to co-ordinate but you know what!?! after 20 mins all my co-ordination went out the window, I looked like an Octopuss on an 'E', arms flaing, legs struggling and all this to music, can you imagin the site? Pathetic was what it was.



I couldnt wait for the torture to be over, I felt like I wasn't black, like the blood of James Brown didnt flow through my veins and my ears from such an early age..... embarassing. Anywaaaay....



I couldnt wait to get in the pool and swiftly headed towards my locker downstairs, which was packed with my shopping from the Tesco's shop that I had decided to do before the class started, as I knew I would be too tired afterwards.



I went into the steam room which so happened to be 'Women Only' session and ended up talking to a group of women all from different walks of life and age groups, one was Australian Greek, one was Irish, one was Nigerian, one was Jamaican, one was Pakistani and their ages ranged from 29-55. A really good discussion ensued.



I am sure one was a lesbian, she worked for the Terrence Higgins Trust was always refering to her "partner" and in one comment she got pretty narky when one woman commented that her daughter also in training, like the said woman to be an STD advisor/nurse would probably be looking at penises all day, the woman got preeeeety shirty and indignant, and the fact she said that all Vaginas are different but most penises look the same, much to the woman's amazement. Anyway that was good enough for me. LLLLLLLesbiAN!!!



I then decided I had had enough and needed a swim now the pool was open. I got talking or rather I was accosted by this young girl who wanted to talk... ok... I thought, friendly girl, I asked her if she had come with her parent/s siblings or friends in an attempt to figure out why she was trying to make conversation with me, on doing so I felt really awkward almost like I was phishing, or I was an unsavoury character, but I only wanted to encourage her to go off and play with who ever she came with, afterall, I thought she has gotta be no older than 13/14 and here I am a big grown 30 year old woman I would have nothing to talk to her about.

Even though I like the youth and have considered Youth work to help them with any issues they may have, being around teenagers especially girls can make me nervous, I think that is due to my sexuality and not wanting to give them the wrong impression so I make big efforts to stay far and wide.



You see because I dont "hide" my sexuality but I dont look like a stereotype lesbian and I would not want it to come out that I am - which it will as I am an open person - and have a young girl think any of my actions were motivated by you know, gosh I cant even say it, its gross to think people could look at youngsters, young CHILDREN and think anything sexual.. it turns my stomach. Anyway.....



I kept my distance but she obvioulsy wanted to talk so, I adjusted my mindset to that of a younger person and made small talk to be friendly and asked her if she could do handstands underwater and somersaults just to be friendly, and didnt make tooo much effort to entertain her and infact I even went off for a swim on my own just to hopefully encourage her to go off and play with people her own age.

Well before I know it, bless her little heart, we are talking full flow, it started when she asked me what was the best way to lose weight and what exercise should she do to help? So.... I said that eating well and swimming, playing sports or dancing are fun ways to lose it.



From that moment on we had a nice discussion about weight and how much she would like to lose and that she wanted to be a vet and was going to college to do so this summer...... It turns out she was 16, and even though it still felt a bit weird, the fact she was asking for my advice made it easier.



An hour later she is confiding in me that she has smelly feet and doesnt know what to do about it and I try to be as honest and candid as I can about a problem that she is very embarassed about, at first it was an out of the blue question...

"What makes people have smelly feet?"



It took me by surprise..... I said it could be a number of things, mainly sweat and sometimes fungus, she then asked me what could someone use, I delicately shared an experience with her about sometimes having smelly feet in trainers and that making sure that you always wear clean cotton socks and maybe get some tea tree oil to rub on your feet after having a shower or bath and that also there are sprays and powders that could help and that it is a very common issue and not to feel too bad about it but pop along to the doctor and they could advise you better and maybe even give you a treatment of creams and potions to help.



The smile on her face was priceless, we then talked about her grades at school and she was very honest about her weight issue and laziness in losing it, to be honest it was a really nice conversation, I tried to help aleviate some of her fears and insecurities about herself when asked. We talked candidly about how being over weight makes your thighs rub together and that she uses nappy rash cream to help stop the soreness and it has worked but it doesnt stop them rubbing..... I said Honey! the only thing that will stop that is for us to lose weight... she saw the humour and laughed in agreement, we both have to lose 3stone.



I think for 2 hours I made a young girl feel normal and maybe a little less alone with some of her issues, that really made me smile particularly as I was always sure to let her steer the conversation and I kept it all about her only telling her about me to help her see that it is all ok and she is not the only one that has these issues but she can change them. I felt like a mentor or that cool aunt everyone has.



At 14:55 we decided to get out the pool before the rush as the session ended at 15:00 and I went off and got changed and met her after to say that it was nice talking to her, also I wanted to say that I may be there next week and wish her luck till then on her dieting, I guess I also wanted to say that if she wanted to talk to anyone about stuff and dieting she was free to call me, but I warned her about stalking me...and we laughed but I got a promise that she wouldnt.



I guess because I have always thought about youth work and reaching out to young people I was happy to offer her my ear and also it was so evident she wanted someone to talk to as she said she didnt have friends that she could ask these things and she couldnt talk to her mum or brothers about them even though they were close.



As we walked out the centre into the carpark I offered her one of my new krisp crackers that I had been eating as we said our good byes, she said that her mum had just called whilst she was getting changed and asked her to bring in a doner kebab for her brother and she had to get it on the way home, and that those things made it hard to lose weight so I offered her one of my new seeded-goodness-large enough to eat ya dinner off of-crackers and she loved them so I gave her a whole packet and made her promise that she wouldnt eat any kebab and to eat those instead until she got home to have a healthy meal. She promised.



Walking home I imagined what it would be like to speak to my daughter or son about things that bothered them, my heart felt heavy, which is why when SB in her rage said I didnt deserve kids and there was a reason why I couldnt have any it hurt so deeply. I was walking past all these people with children, talking to them so harshly, shouting and screaming at them.......it makes me sad some people treat their kids that way.



As I reached my front door I had a large box waiting for me... surely this isnt my JUICERRRR... OMG...!! No... alas it was too light weight and had a huge tape around it giving clear instructions to be delivered before Noon... I got in, dropped my bags and opened it....it was fresh flowers from SB with a huge note...

I know this is for the best. I am not trying to change things.
I am really sorry for what I said
Love always XX

I cried, I still love her alot but I could never forget what she said....she could have spent a bit more on the flowers though, cheap skate.

I'll post pics of them on Monday, they are beautiful. I cant even put them in a vase on my table, it still feels so raw...... I want to move on to someone else, I want to be ready and open for whoever comes along, But I know that is going to take a loooooong time, just because I am so hurt, it took me 18 months to feel ready for even dating the last time.

well... I am off to bed now, enjoy the video...it pathetically funny.

New Shoes, New Attitude!

Oh yes!!! I bought new trainers today wearing them now in fact, yep sitting here in my underwear with my spanking new kicks on, Sexxyyyyyy! :o), not just any pair but this pair of 'New Balance'.

I am only wearing them to see how comfortable they are, NB are supposed to be the best in training/running shoes on the market, particularly for their longevity, wear-ability and value for money.

I had intended on going to the Leisure Centre today to make good use of my monthly membership but instead I sorted out my finances and set about walking 2 miles (can I get a round of applause?) to the nearest shopping centre to get myself a pair of running shoes so that I would be able to walk comfortably on the second half of my journey home from work which is at least a mile.

On deciding this I stumbled upon a website that gives you routes anywhere in the UK to walk, how long it will take walking fast, medium and slow also how many calories the single journey will burn.... I was very surprised that walking 2 miles doesn't burn many calories at all... I worked out that I only burnt off... wait for it.... 163cals, fuck me! I burn more than that worrying about shit!!!

Ahh well I wont give up, at least if I don't go to the gym I can console myself in the fact I walked two miles and built some muscle in my flabby legs.

I first went into 'JD sports' and saw a pair for £60, "not bad" I thought being the latest design and all that... My Nike 'Rifts' cost more than that and I have 4 pairs and counting. So I got them, but not one to miss a bargain as my mates well know, I passed JJB and just had to stop by and see if I got a good deal. I instantly saw a pair I liked almost as much that cost only £24.99 and so it was decided..... needless to say I took the other pair back for a full refund and when asked why by the Sales Assistant I said

"Found a pair I liked cheaper elsewhere"

......Yet kept the bag.... I have NO shame! Hahaha!

Anyway....Bought two pairs of those high waisted-shaper-shorts thingies the other day shopping on Idealworld late one night, was a B.O.G.O.F how could I resist?! They came this morning..... I couldn't wait as I squeeeeeezed and squaaaaaashed myself into a pair, meticulously squidging every bit of fat in its place to get that "perfect look"... By the time I had finished I was too scared to fart in case I ripped a hole in the 'Oh-so-tight-and-lifted' buttock area, so I wore them under my Skinny Jeans. WONNDERFUL DARLING!

I am really sleepy now so off to settle down and watch some Music videos (and perv) then hopefully catch a horror movie on my newly installed Cable TV... I wonder how long will I have this service before I become disconnected and blacklisted LOL... damn I am too old for that shit, gone are the days you ordered stuff in another name.... Hahaahaa.. Just kidding MUM!!

Night x

Mo' Work Mo' Money

Well after waking up today aching slightly, I killed time on the net purchased my new juicer for £199, (expensive I know but all will become clear soon) bought my mum some clothes rails, ordered another set top box for the boudoir and sorted out my TV licence then made my way to work.

They have offered me a good run of a few months I think I may take it although it definately is NOT what I want to do as I am working to become a PA in media preferbly for someone famous or high profile, but for now this will do, at least it is money coming in right...

Anyway last time posted I said I would tell you all about what has been happening. OK well here goes... you sitting comfortably I will try to cut out the boring bits.

Coming home after a day out avoiding the carnival I was waiting on the silverlink train platform for the next train when I spotted a man pacing up and down the open air platform getting agitated and almost looking for a confrontation from the many passengers also waiting.

He made his way over to us and started saying the word N***** as he paced infront of us (SB is white).

I told her not to do anything as he was a pr*ck. I ignored him as he carried on for the next 5mins till the train came, pacing infront of myself and one other black man repeating it.

As the train pulled in, we stood back to make sure he didn't follow us into the same carriage, we rushed to another carriage hoping he didn't see us but he did and tried to follow us into the carriage, as he was trying to get on I said very loudly not to let him on as he was racially abusive and SB - already in a packed carriage -tried to block him from getting on, as this happened I was arguing with him saying I was not going to share the same carriage as this man as he called me a f***ing N***** completely unprovoked and pushed him off the train just before the doors closed shut.

I am annoyed because I think he got what he wanted from his pathetic existence -a reaction-from someone, anyone. I always stick up for what I think is right and don't usually get physical as I think no-one has the right to put their hands on another but I was furiously adamant I didn't want to share the same space with him giving him the opportunity to abuse me further, afterall no one on the platform said anything so for him that would have been a green light.

I was patted on the back by two other black people on the packed train after the incident, but I still wanted to cry, I was humiliated in public because of my race and usually so strong two days later I felt like crap and was too embarrassed at the time to tell my family or friends who know me.

It's been many years since I have been racially abused and I forgot how much it hurts, I'm glad I did something but annoyed I think he won.......it took a while to sink in as I tried to downplay it and reassure SB whilst she was staying with me, she was feeling guilty she didn't do more (but I am not angry at her, there was nothing more rational she could have done at the time)



So that was that....then

SB and I Had our first counselling session as a couple and it went ok, we were both open to it and even became tearful, I think she realised how harsh she treated me. Anyway we came out there feeling slightly awkward but ok and hopeful.

Had a few weeks to mull over what was discussed and we soent some time together but nothing sexual nand we had a great laugh.......until that is it all went pearshaped.

One weekend she lost it all because my best mate had asked if I had heard from her and if she was ok and i said yes, that was all..... but SB didnt wnat me to mention ANYTHING ot my best mate and basically lie, i didnt get that and she hit the roof and stormed out then stormed back in and threw something at my head which i later realised was a pack of the sunday paper, It was pretty hard, anyway I tried to keep calm buyt she started kicking things and trying to smash stuff. She eventually calmed down after lots of shouting from us both and she wanted to make it all ok, I asked her to leave and said I didnt think we should be around eachother for awhile.

For a few days I had little necesary contact or no contact with her, by the thrusday she called me to ask if I wanted to go to the theatre, I thanked her and declined as it wasnt my thing what she was going to see... actually she booked the tickets for that in advance for her mum as a surprise but they had had an argument and she decided to call me.

I knew something was up so I called her back and asked if she wanted to talk I could tell by her voice she was mad and the only person asoide from me that gets her that angry is her mother, dad or brother..didnt take a genius......

Well she snapped and said NO then told me that we have nothing in common and the sessions were a waste of time - by this point we had had 2 sessions in total - and she said I should call up and cancel the next one due the following Friday.

I left it for 30mins or so and then sent her a text to ask if she was sure as if I didnt give the woman a weeks notice we would still have to pay, her reply "Yes, Cancel" so I DID. I then got a call asking if i did it already and when i said yes she basically gave me the guilt trip and took her anger out on me then hung up.

I didnt speak to her for awhile and when she texted me and apologised I accepted but didnt want to speak to her for a while as I had the big hospital consultation on the following Monday and I was nervous and I didnt want to have to deal with her shit.

Well monday at the hospital : OK... Found out I have Endometriosis in addition to Fibroids AND Polycystic Ovaries. The fibroids they are not concerned about affecting my fertility but they are going to perform Laparascopic surgery - to determine and treat the Endometriosis and polycystic ovaries - which is a key hole procedure into my belly button to zap me where needed and to drill holes in my ovaries.

Am I worried? yep! As don't even know if after that I will get pg anyway, and I have never been under general anaesthetic before but going through with it.


I also have been told I need to lose 3 Stone, hence why I am exercising and trying to eat healthy, OH! and why I bought a very expensive juicer, figured might as well do it right and I wanted one that I would be sure would last and it got reviews on WHICH? website so... what better reason besides I can buy huge bowls of fruit on the highstreet for a £1, so when it arrives I should be juicing happy.

So that is more or less the story so far will update you on more tomorrow.... I am now off to put my feet up and eat more Farleys Rusk...oh damn they're finished. Oh well.

I have added a few links to pages that will help explain the surgery on this side >>>>