Hey
I am just checking in as I arrived yesterday but I didn't fair too well on the travelling and the connecting flight and stuff so taking today to chill out and get some more sleep as Daddi and offspring are out at work and school, well I will call her STAR, today she is on a field trip and guess what??.....
They have this mini village here that the kids get to go and learn at how to be Cashiers, Managers, Bank clerks and the such, so for the day they get to go to "work"....How cool is that!! The shops are exact replicas of the real shops, banks etc
They even teach them how to write cheques and handle money and about business, this is all part of the school curriculum. Star is a darling, she is mixed race beautiful eyes and features just like her Mum, you definitely know who her mother is looking at them.
I am spending the day to get better sleep and playing video games and playing with the miniature poodle called 'Frou'. Yeah a butch with a poodle... I know.. long story and to be honest it is not mine to tell so....Let's just laugh out loud at the irony. :o) LOL
I will give you an update later and also tell you what the argument was all about.
But for now, I am here and going to rest today.
Tuesday, 16 October 2007
Saturday, 13 October 2007
Thank You...
Morning,
It's 05:42am....why am I up? well I woke up with that neck stiffness again. I had a good nights sleep last night and thought I'd sorted the problem but evidently not. I am not sure if this is stress related.
Anyway I woke up at about 04:45am and decided to root out the muscle relaxant/anti inflamatory tabs I had been given a few months back to maybe do the trick......WELL... it was obviously not a few months back, I rooted around in that draw you know the one you always keep shit in for a "rainy day" because you are a secret hoarder located in the kitchen? only to find it expired in May of this year.....Not advisable to take so I didnt but I did look in my book 'Before you Call the Doctor' By the people's favourite doctor. Dr. Hilary Jones. (God that's a 'Faggoty Arse Faggots' name if ever I heard one.....Just messing)
Picked this book up in Matalan about 4 months ago for about £3....So I consulted the almanac and decided that my symptom was not included in its entirity so I called NHS DIRECT.... In case ya wondering it's a fabulous service. (0845 46 47... hey look ya never know).
After going through a few questions it was determined I try taking pain killers, which believe it or not I had yet to do. Not because I am one of the 7 dwarfs but simply because being a stiffness in the neck - and now a mild ear ache - I didnt want to be numb to the pain incase I worsened the condition without being able to feel it.
Anyway on the advice I was given by the nurse I am going to look for some Ibuprofen...lets hope it's not in the same draw (eek - exp 10/2000 LOL just kidding). I also didnt hang up without expressing my appreciation for the people doing this service around the clock so -mild hypercondriac- people like me can sleep well at night not worrying.
Yes the NHS fucks up but you know what!?!.. In my experience between the 24 hour emergency doctor, 24hour NHS direct helpline (where you get to speak to a trained nurse) and the NHS drop in centre open from 08:30am-...wait for it.........22:00PM I am happy with the service I get. I am also aware this is not the case for everyone around the counry but I have to give credit where credit is due.
OK the birds are starting to sing now so I am going to end this with saying what I orginally started this post to say....
Thank you to all the people who read and comment on my Blog, I am still new to this and not sure if I reply on your blog to things you have said on mine, if I reply on MY blog to things you have said on mine or if I simply just publish them. So Just to show my appreciation (and confusion) I thought I would start a post just to thank all the past, present and future readers/comment posters of my Blog. It's is the fact you are reading I continue to write and I welcome your comments, positive and maybe not so.
DDxxxxx
Come back later, I will fill you in on the mini argument I had with Daddi last night....
It's 05:42am....why am I up? well I woke up with that neck stiffness again. I had a good nights sleep last night and thought I'd sorted the problem but evidently not. I am not sure if this is stress related.
Anyway I woke up at about 04:45am and decided to root out the muscle relaxant/anti inflamatory tabs I had been given a few months back to maybe do the trick......WELL... it was obviously not a few months back, I rooted around in that draw you know the one you always keep shit in for a "rainy day" because you are a secret hoarder located in the kitchen? only to find it expired in May of this year.....Not advisable to take so I didnt but I did look in my book 'Before you Call the Doctor' By the people's favourite doctor. Dr. Hilary Jones. (God that's a 'Faggoty Arse Faggots' name if ever I heard one.....Just messing)
Picked this book up in Matalan about 4 months ago for about £3....So I consulted the almanac and decided that my symptom was not included in its entirity so I called NHS DIRECT.... In case ya wondering it's a fabulous service. (0845 46 47... hey look ya never know).
After going through a few questions it was determined I try taking pain killers, which believe it or not I had yet to do. Not because I am one of the 7 dwarfs but simply because being a stiffness in the neck - and now a mild ear ache - I didnt want to be numb to the pain incase I worsened the condition without being able to feel it.
Anyway on the advice I was given by the nurse I am going to look for some Ibuprofen...lets hope it's not in the same draw (eek - exp 10/2000 LOL just kidding). I also didnt hang up without expressing my appreciation for the people doing this service around the clock so -mild hypercondriac- people like me can sleep well at night not worrying.
Yes the NHS fucks up but you know what!?!.. In my experience between the 24 hour emergency doctor, 24hour NHS direct helpline (where you get to speak to a trained nurse) and the NHS drop in centre open from 08:30am-...wait for it.........22:00PM I am happy with the service I get. I am also aware this is not the case for everyone around the counry but I have to give credit where credit is due.
OK the birds are starting to sing now so I am going to end this with saying what I orginally started this post to say....
Thank you to all the people who read and comment on my Blog, I am still new to this and not sure if I reply on your blog to things you have said on mine, if I reply on MY blog to things you have said on mine or if I simply just publish them. So Just to show my appreciation (and confusion) I thought I would start a post just to thank all the past, present and future readers/comment posters of my Blog. It's is the fact you are reading I continue to write and I welcome your comments, positive and maybe not so.
DDxxxxx
Come back later, I will fill you in on the mini argument I had with Daddi last night....
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Butch power - Femme Submission
Image courtesy of artist Jack Vettriano
I like butch women
I find the power they have enticing
They don't care they look like dykes
They are very open with their masculine traits
They are bold and I like to think they are in control
I like to surrender my control and self to a butch,
it makes me feel wanted and desired,
to have Daddi tell me what to do and do with me as hy pleases.
I like pleasing,
I like to be told I am a good girl for taking the sweet punishment of penetration
Taking it ALL inside to please Daddi....
I like to lay there and be tortured into submission
when I disobey and the glint of defiance flashes in my eyes...
I like to be shown who is boss when
my stubborn ways get the better of me
And
I resist Daddi's advances much to hys disapproval and entertainment
Reenacting the desires and scenes that send Daddi over the edge only fuel to excite me Make me want to become those characters,
Willing hym to take and torture, then finally to reward,
Reward me for all the good behaviour,
Reward me for all the submission I have given and the trust....
To then be cradled out of my mental 'sub space'
Wrapped in the arms of Daddi bringing me back.
To warmth,
To tenderness.......
To love....
Wednesday, 10 October 2007
Don't Cry....
Hey.....
Not sure what to say about this feeling I have inside but I seem to be opening up to Daddi more and more, sometimes I even surprise myself with tears and overflowing emotions that I have stored inside for so long. The abusive relationships physical and emotionally, the fear of not being on track and the feeling of being lost that I just cant see to get rid off.
I never want people to see that side of me its too painfully vulnerable. Fear of what they might think if they saw the cracks, the depressed 14 year old resurfacing. I have to be strong, not just for me but I have people who rely on me to be strong and be a rock for them. I cant be weak.
I feel SO SO lost right now, everytime I think I am on track with my life be it a job prospect, motherhood trying to find my lifes purpose, something happens to dispel that and I am yet again back to square one, non the wiser about my direction just more confused than I was before.
I feel like I am playing a game and making all the wrong moves, only to exasperate my situation even more... everytime I think I have made the right move something happens and just shouts that I am not....Only life isnt a game, at least not for me.
Not sure what to say about this feeling I have inside but I seem to be opening up to Daddi more and more, sometimes I even surprise myself with tears and overflowing emotions that I have stored inside for so long. The abusive relationships physical and emotionally, the fear of not being on track and the feeling of being lost that I just cant see to get rid off.
I never want people to see that side of me its too painfully vulnerable. Fear of what they might think if they saw the cracks, the depressed 14 year old resurfacing. I have to be strong, not just for me but I have people who rely on me to be strong and be a rock for them. I cant be weak.
I feel SO SO lost right now, everytime I think I am on track with my life be it a job prospect, motherhood trying to find my lifes purpose, something happens to dispel that and I am yet again back to square one, non the wiser about my direction just more confused than I was before.
I feel like I am playing a game and making all the wrong moves, only to exasperate my situation even more... everytime I think I have made the right move something happens and just shouts that I am not....Only life isnt a game, at least not for me.
It feels like I am in the Headmasters office and he is waiting for the correct answer whilst giving me clues but everytime I think a clue has given it away and I reply ..................THWACK!!!.... i'm wrong and I have to try again....doing this for days on end, each clue seemingly easier than the last...... but my answers are still wrong.
I almost feel like I cant even trust my intuition anymore, what do I know???.............. Nothing.
I envy those that have a purpose to their lives, be it children that make them wake up in the morning, work that they enjoy that fulfils them and makes them satisfied or even a Monk who understands the order of life and sits happily contemplating. I long for that......I long for a feeling of peace and knowing and fulfilment. Sick of this empty life I lead.
I have nothing to wake up for in the morning, work?....work is just that. I do it to exist. sometimes I dont even feel like I am living, that's why sometimes I get more piercings, to FEEL something other than despair and pain and it's almost as though the pain, the healing pain grounds me to the here and now and confirms that I am alive.
I'm worn out....I feel truly worn out right now.
Here is the song that Daddi sent me last night, hy also included the words of the song in the email ....That made me cry too LOL....the things Hy says scares me but in a way I am almost welcoming someone who can do for me and be strong for me, I darent think too far ahead to what will happen if we want to be together.
I cant think that far ahead...its too much....I'm not ready to leave my home and my mum, leave my perfect co-parent and my chance for a baby here in the UK, I dont even think I am ready for a relationship, but to be honest I do need someone who has the wisdom Hy has and the life experiences that match mine with a similar outlook, I need someone who will be able to hold my hand when I am lost and whom I can trust to take care of me when I dont feel strong enough to take care of myself...
Anyway here is the video. The song is not my type but I listen to the words.
Hy sent this because I was doing a lot of crying on the phone last night.
I almost feel like I cant even trust my intuition anymore, what do I know???.............. Nothing.
I envy those that have a purpose to their lives, be it children that make them wake up in the morning, work that they enjoy that fulfils them and makes them satisfied or even a Monk who understands the order of life and sits happily contemplating. I long for that......I long for a feeling of peace and knowing and fulfilment. Sick of this empty life I lead.
I have nothing to wake up for in the morning, work?....work is just that. I do it to exist. sometimes I dont even feel like I am living, that's why sometimes I get more piercings, to FEEL something other than despair and pain and it's almost as though the pain, the healing pain grounds me to the here and now and confirms that I am alive.
I'm worn out....I feel truly worn out right now.
Here is the song that Daddi sent me last night, hy also included the words of the song in the email ....That made me cry too LOL....the things Hy says scares me but in a way I am almost welcoming someone who can do for me and be strong for me, I darent think too far ahead to what will happen if we want to be together.
I cant think that far ahead...its too much....I'm not ready to leave my home and my mum, leave my perfect co-parent and my chance for a baby here in the UK, I dont even think I am ready for a relationship, but to be honest I do need someone who has the wisdom Hy has and the life experiences that match mine with a similar outlook, I need someone who will be able to hold my hand when I am lost and whom I can trust to take care of me when I dont feel strong enough to take care of myself...
Anyway here is the video. The song is not my type but I listen to the words.
Hy sent this because I was doing a lot of crying on the phone last night.
"Don't Cry"
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Those tears are for someone else.
I hear your voice on the phone.
I hear you feel so alone.
My baby.
Ohh my baby.
Please my baby,
My baby,
When we were young,
And truth was paramount.
We were older then,
And we lived our life without any doubt.
Those memories,
They seem so long ago.
What's become of them? When you feel like me I want you to know.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry,
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry,
Tonight.
My baby.
Today I dreamed,
Of friends I had before.
And I wonder why.
The ones who care don't call anymore.
My feelings hurt.
But you know I overcome the pain.
And I'm stronger now,
There can't be a fire unless there's a flame.
Don't cry.
You're not alone.
Don't cry,
Tonight, my baby.
Don't cry.
You'll always be loved.
Don't cry oh...
Limousines and sycophants,
Don't leave me now,
Cause I'm afraid what you've done to me.
Is now the wolf.
In my bed,
In my head.
In my head.
In my head.
The challenges, we took were hard enough.
They get harder now.
Even when we think that we've had enough.
Don't feel alone,
Cause it's I you understand.
I'm your sedative,
Take a piece of me whenever you can.
Don't cry.... you're not alone.
...don't be so hard on yourself...
Don't cry.... tonight my baby
...Those tears are for.....someone else...
Don't cry.... you'll always be loved
...I hear your voice on the phone...
Don't cry.... tonight sweet baby
...I hear you feel... so alone.
Cause you still be loved
Don't cry
Don't cry tonight
Don't cry tonight
You'll still be loved..
THANK YOU DADDI xx
Monday, 8 October 2007
Farewell Flowers...
Just wanted to share these with you... I got these today from the company I have been working at for the past few months on and off...I have helped them out of many a sticky situation so for that they decided to show me some apppreciation...LOL I'm a Poet and I did'nt even know it......*groan* I know.....
Fank you Guys xxxxx
7 Days To GO..........
I really need to do something about my Pillows... I have been waking up with a crick neck for the past week now OWW!!
Well It is now 7 days till I meet her....
More about my feelings on that later, but Friday I had my PDA (mobile) stolen.
It was really bizarre I called DH to see if she wanted to meet up if she was in town and was hoping I would meet her after all this time but then I looked for my mobile on my way home on the bus and realised someone had pinched it as I got off. I duly reported it to my service provider and also the Police and got myself a crime reference number and also reported it to my insurance company.
The mad thing is I even called the Bus garage this morning in the hope that someone would hand it in....No joy.
To be honest the person who has it is buggered anyway as they cant get into the phone as it is locked with a password, the back street people who unlock phones wont be able to as I secured that only a few weeks prior to having it nabbed. And there is no way they can even use a different service provider SIM with the phone, so in short they are stuck with a phone they cant use anyway...... HA HAAAAA!!!
Not too upset now about it, at the time I was and went online to Daddi to get some consoling and well.. Hy didn't really know what to say and I kind of got arsey as I was all ready annoyed at Hym for not giving me the Full ADDRESS for the Tesco Internet phone I posted which resulted in the postman being unable to deliver it and it now being it's way back to the UK... The fucking postage cost more than the phone....... Well at least I didn't pay for it. BUT That is not the point. it is not even worth sending it again and I wont get it before I go so may have to take one with me and return the one I get back to Tesco when I get home.
So yes she felt my wrath LOL. Well all is OK now.
I am really looking forward to the break to be honest and hopefully I will have some fun too ;).
Hmm what else...?..... AH YES!! I am also selling an original signed poster from the Spice Girls I got when they were just starting out, it was one of the first promotional materials that Virgin their then record label put out and I have one, so it is now selling on Ebay... Hoping to get something for it.
I have been doing nothing but chillin' this past weekend and having great orgasms LOL with the aid of Daddi and the imagination of Yours Truly :D
I have now also resumed downloading movies from the net, I managed to fit 6 movies on one DVD and have been watching them on my new 32" screen in my bedroom... woohoo!!!!
Trying to think what else has been happening.....to be honest that is it really. I am feeling good in all but missing certain friends that I have failed to stay in touch with.... not feeling good about that but is partly because life has been so up and down. I do think I should get in touch. One in particular, I feel really guilty as I didn't make her birthday night drinks even though I said I would then at the last minute I fell asleep :o(. She is on facebook... I wonder if she is annoyed at me? I did apologies at the time though.
I am so excited about Monday, I assume it will go something like this for the next week....
Pack suitcase
get more items of summer clothing
re pack suitcase
sort out what shoes to carry
Double check I have packed everything I would possibly need
Unpack suitcase
re asses what shoes to carry
re pack suitcase
Go and get Manicure and Pedicure
Get hair done
Re-check documents
re-check clothes....in other words double check suitcase... LOL!
Try to get some sleep during the afternoon early evening so that I am not too tired in the morning as I know the excitement the night before will prevent me from sleeping altogether the later into the night I try to sleep so I am better off getting sleep early evening till about 10-11pm and If I am lucky will wake up refreshed at 2am watch some TV and get a bath for the long journey..... check my suitcase and that I have tickets and Passport and insurance documents in my matching PINK hand luggage :).
I am so excited I have not been back to the USA for almost 10 years.... I am hoping to go again in January for my 30th... we will see.
Here is a video that has been making me laugh lately... I LOVE Phil Collins and the Genesis stuff so this was hilarious for me to watch.... I have heard some people saying they just dont get the advert well I ahve just called the makers at Cadbury and they ahve said the following
ROFL PMSL!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!
Well It is now 7 days till I meet her....
More about my feelings on that later, but Friday I had my PDA (mobile) stolen.
It was really bizarre I called DH to see if she wanted to meet up if she was in town and was hoping I would meet her after all this time but then I looked for my mobile on my way home on the bus and realised someone had pinched it as I got off. I duly reported it to my service provider and also the Police and got myself a crime reference number and also reported it to my insurance company.
The mad thing is I even called the Bus garage this morning in the hope that someone would hand it in....No joy.
To be honest the person who has it is buggered anyway as they cant get into the phone as it is locked with a password, the back street people who unlock phones wont be able to as I secured that only a few weeks prior to having it nabbed. And there is no way they can even use a different service provider SIM with the phone, so in short they are stuck with a phone they cant use anyway...... HA HAAAAA!!!
Not too upset now about it, at the time I was and went online to Daddi to get some consoling and well.. Hy didn't really know what to say and I kind of got arsey as I was all ready annoyed at Hym for not giving me the Full ADDRESS for the Tesco Internet phone I posted which resulted in the postman being unable to deliver it and it now being it's way back to the UK... The fucking postage cost more than the phone....... Well at least I didn't pay for it. BUT That is not the point. it is not even worth sending it again and I wont get it before I go so may have to take one with me and return the one I get back to Tesco when I get home.
So yes she felt my wrath LOL. Well all is OK now.
I am really looking forward to the break to be honest and hopefully I will have some fun too ;).
Hmm what else...?..... AH YES!! I am also selling an original signed poster from the Spice Girls I got when they were just starting out, it was one of the first promotional materials that Virgin their then record label put out and I have one, so it is now selling on Ebay... Hoping to get something for it.
I have been doing nothing but chillin' this past weekend and having great orgasms LOL with the aid of Daddi and the imagination of Yours Truly :D
I have now also resumed downloading movies from the net, I managed to fit 6 movies on one DVD and have been watching them on my new 32" screen in my bedroom... woohoo!!!!
Trying to think what else has been happening.....to be honest that is it really. I am feeling good in all but missing certain friends that I have failed to stay in touch with.... not feeling good about that but is partly because life has been so up and down. I do think I should get in touch. One in particular, I feel really guilty as I didn't make her birthday night drinks even though I said I would then at the last minute I fell asleep :o(. She is on facebook... I wonder if she is annoyed at me? I did apologies at the time though.
I am so excited about Monday, I assume it will go something like this for the next week....
Pack suitcase
get more items of summer clothing
re pack suitcase
sort out what shoes to carry
Double check I have packed everything I would possibly need
Unpack suitcase
re asses what shoes to carry
re pack suitcase
Go and get Manicure and Pedicure
Get hair done
Re-check documents
re-check clothes....in other words double check suitcase... LOL!
Try to get some sleep during the afternoon early evening so that I am not too tired in the morning as I know the excitement the night before will prevent me from sleeping altogether the later into the night I try to sleep so I am better off getting sleep early evening till about 10-11pm and If I am lucky will wake up refreshed at 2am watch some TV and get a bath for the long journey..... check my suitcase and that I have tickets and Passport and insurance documents in my matching PINK hand luggage :).
I am so excited I have not been back to the USA for almost 10 years.... I am hoping to go again in January for my 30th... we will see.
Here is a video that has been making me laugh lately... I LOVE Phil Collins and the Genesis stuff so this was hilarious for me to watch.... I have heard some people saying they just dont get the advert well I ahve just called the makers at Cadbury and they ahve said the following
The advert is meant to emulate the
feeling you get when eating a cadbury's chocolate bar
ROFL PMSL!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!
Thursday, 4 October 2007
RANTING & RAVING......and LOTS of swearing
I have decided to use this post today to get random stuff off my chest...
MY INFERTILITY
People who have kids naturally and say to me..
Don't be so fucking stupid!! How can I least expect something I have to plan every month??? I am not sleeping with a man so how on Gods earth do you think it will happen when I least expect it??? I am not the Virgin Mary.
And similarly don't tell me.....
JEREMY KYLE
SELF RIGHTEOUS PRICK, You were fuck all before Jerry springer came to our shores and had to take a break to do his theatre show, on his days off you would fill in for him. You started off as a refreshing chat show host but after getting your foot int he door you started to think being a showman was more important than people's feelings. You started to get all high and mighty as you passed comment on your guests, as the audience stood behind you and pretty soon you started to take it all too far...You're a CU*T.
MY EX (I no longer love you)
MY INFERTILITY
People who have kids naturally and say to me..
It will happen when you least expect it
Don't be so fucking stupid!! How can I least expect something I have to plan every month??? I am not sleeping with a man so how on Gods earth do you think it will happen when I least expect it??? I am not the Virgin Mary.
And similarly don't tell me.....
It will happen soon enough, it just isn't the right time yet
GRRRRR FUCK OFF!!! It annoys the shit out of me when people say this to me whilst grinning at their successful offspring.... When you have had infertility issues and you are a lesbian THEN you come and talk to me about staying positive!!! Until that time think of something else to say or dont say FUCK ALL at all....
And don't wonder why I am pissed.... I am pissed because it hurts like a bitch when you see some skanky woman screaming at the top of her lungs at her child ( usually under 5yrs) because she has no self control or a clue on how to be a good effective parent.
I am pissed because some people just see kids as an inconvenience to their oh so important existence. Don't expect someone like me to have sympathy towards you for the bad Ass kids you raised.
Once dated a woman who didn't even want her child and it was evident to me after a couple weeks when I noticed she kept her 5 year old daughter so busy simply so that she didn't have to spend time being a mother to her, every weekend that poor child was sent to her grand parents or her father just so the mother didn't have to spend time with the child, every night of the week the daughter had some class or another to keep her away from the home.
Now at first I thought WOW what a great parent you are keep your child busy and off the streets and stimulated....... On deeper reflection it was evident the child missed her mother and the only reason this woman had a child was so that her parents would accept her sexuality. So she had her via self insemination and it worked on the third try.
To be honest NOTHING that a woman who has conceived her child naturally/by happenstance can say to me will ever make a difference in how I feel, in fact the words 'Oh it will happen, when the time is right' only serve to annoy the shit out of me and evoke rage, unless she TRULY knows something I don't.
I am not usually this sceptic about life, all my problems and struggles have happened for a reason and even in the midst of pain I can still feel at peace that whatever is happening is for the best in the long run and God knows what hy is doing even if I don't, but this situation for me is different... In the first year I understood that and even half way into the second year I was still positive, now I am just PISSED as hell. It just doesn't seem fair. It doesn't make me bitter or resentful towards individuals, just this thing called LUCK.
TUBE/UNDERGROUND
MOVE OUT THE FLIPPING WAY!!! when people are getting off the tube could you kindly MOVE!!???.. It is so annoying when you just stand there like a MONG looking into that space that you so desperately want and not allowing others off. Also If you are standing by the doors on the inside of the carriage and it is packed to the hilt would it really hurt you to step off backwards to secure you place and allow the people to get off then re board????? Think about it you NINKENPOOP!!
When the carriage is really and truly full, STOP trying to push on, it's rude, inconsiderate and makes everyone have a shit start to the day when you insist on forcing your size 22 frame into a space that is 10inches wide.....
MEN/NON PREGNANT WOMEN......If you are able bodied. Get up off your lazy arses and give a seat to a pregnant woman!! yes pregnancy is natural and people have been getting it for years, NO it is not a sickness but just imagine having to carry half a stone extra, and stand in a hot carriage and be pushed and prodded by all those that insist on pushing on when there is a train exactly ONE FUCKING MINUTE behind this one??!!!!
Also I know you don't have eyes at the back of your head but would it be at all inconsiderate of me to assume you would not walk like you were going to a funeral in the middle of the platform in rush hour????? DAMMIT some of us have life in our bones and need to get somewhere!!!!
UMBRELLAS
Please for Christ's sake could please watch what the hell you are doing with those spikes whilst walking on busy streets and street markets!!!!!
PUBLIC NOSE PICKERS
Do that SHIT IN PRIVATE!!! It is the most disgusting thing to see a grown person picking their nose and EATING IT or WIPING IT ON CHAIRS AND WALLS on public transport!!! STOP IT!!! its NASTY... wait till you get home or use a tissue for Christ's sake... some of us have dinners to go home and make and the visual you so considerately treated us to makes some of us heave. If I catch you doing it i will say out loud how disgusting you are and embarrass you in public as I have done so many other times before... It's GROSS... STOP IT!!!
WOMEN WHO WEAR WEAVES
Get the right colour and If it needs redoing for heavens sake wear a head scarf... Also no one wants to see your hair having a fight with your forehead and regrowth!!! Get it sorted!!
DRIVERS
If you see a learner driver at the traffic lights and they have stalled the car or are not pulling off as quickly as you would like them too can you try to remember when you were just learning and how daunting it is when you come to a busy road?.. Don't be a prize wank stain and honk ya horn/ curse out ya window or generally be a prick especially when you think you are a boy racer with ya skanky hip-hop/Chav wannabe girlfriend in the passenger seat.
JEREMY KYLE
SELF RIGHTEOUS PRICK, You were fuck all before Jerry springer came to our shores and had to take a break to do his theatre show, on his days off you would fill in for him. You started off as a refreshing chat show host but after getting your foot int he door you started to think being a showman was more important than people's feelings. You started to get all high and mighty as you passed comment on your guests, as the audience stood behind you and pretty soon you started to take it all too far...You're a CU*T.
MY EX (I no longer love you)
Wednesday, 3 October 2007
FLORIDA HERE I CUM...
OOPs I mean COME. ;o)
I am so chuffed, I have just booked my ticket to go to Florida and also got a good deal on an annual travel insurance policy. I tell you, I love MoneySavingExpert.com, it has shown me the light on so many things and how to save money. It truly is a ONE STOP SHOP for those that are frugal and/or need to save every penny or simply love a bargain.... like Moi.
Printed off 3 copies of my E Ticket... I get really anal about travelling when I do travel, everything has to be just so. I have printed 3 because one is for my suitcase, one for my mum - just in case something happens to me and she needs the details- and one to stay at home in case both get lost. Needless to say I have done the same with my travel insurance policy for the same reasons.
I am also taking my matching pink Cases and my matching Pink passport holder... pictures will no doubt be added closer to the time..... OH MY I wonder what the fashion is there in Florida?? I don't want to go out there thinking I am the epitome of trend and look like an edjit.
Well I will keep you posted, I actually have to do some work... BASSSTards!!.. What do they think? they pay me to work?.....NO LOVE they pay me to simply BE here.... dammit!!
I wish..
Here is my SONG of the day... This is how I feel about meeting a new love, be it now or in the future, she will have to dig a little deeper than most........
I am so chuffed, I have just booked my ticket to go to Florida and also got a good deal on an annual travel insurance policy. I tell you, I love MoneySavingExpert.com, it has shown me the light on so many things and how to save money. It truly is a ONE STOP SHOP for those that are frugal and/or need to save every penny or simply love a bargain.... like Moi.
Printed off 3 copies of my E Ticket... I get really anal about travelling when I do travel, everything has to be just so. I have printed 3 because one is for my suitcase, one for my mum - just in case something happens to me and she needs the details- and one to stay at home in case both get lost. Needless to say I have done the same with my travel insurance policy for the same reasons.
I am also taking my matching pink Cases and my matching Pink passport holder... pictures will no doubt be added closer to the time..... OH MY I wonder what the fashion is there in Florida?? I don't want to go out there thinking I am the epitome of trend and look like an edjit.
Well I will keep you posted, I actually have to do some work... BASSSTards!!.. What do they think? they pay me to work?.....NO LOVE they pay me to simply BE here.... dammit!!
I wish..
Here is my SONG of the day... This is how I feel about meeting a new love, be it now or in the future, she will have to dig a little deeper than most........
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
A Change is about to come......
Famous Last words, or Prophetic?
Well since last blogging I am starting to feel a little better about my life, so lets see... where do I start?....
Weeeell, the weekend before last, when I was feeling extremely horny I ended up on this website and saw a woman advertising for another, I was captured by her profile title 'Daddi seeks Hys Queen' ...
I decided to click on the link to get more info, read through the criteria made sure she was butch and of a good height.. Tick .,.. Tick... and then if she wanted kids?... Ti- OH... it said she already had one and didnt want anymore. Now usually I would be put off but seeing as I am not looking for a relationship it didnt matter to me.
Well then I scrolled down and saw a pic.... CUTE!!!!.. interestingly enough this was a site mainly for women of colour- to be honest I was only on that site as I was looking for more erotic reading online and my curiosity made me look at the personals.. knowing full well they were all going to be in the USA. I was just curious is all. - This woman was white and clearly stated that she didnt care if people didnt like the fact she was on a site predominantly for women of colour she didnt discriminate. That got my attention.
I decided to email her and simply state that I wouldnt mind making a new friend and that I thought she was cute..... finally after adding a link to my picture and pressing send.. my pc broke again DOH!!
I waited anxioulsy the next day for a reply and when one came she asked if I thought she was cute as in " puppy dog cute"... that made me giggle, I used my PDA to respond and made it very clear I thought she looked sexy... well from then on we have been talking everyday via phone and the net, she is very spiritual, has a good job that is worthwhile and fulfilling that she loves, she has an adorable daughter and a great sense of humour.
I am planning to go and see her in two weeks.... OK OK most would think I was mad but to be honest I have done far riskier things in my time and she seems nice. Besides....
1) I had decided I needed a break from the UK for a couple weeks now as the stress of dealing with the bitch and the hozzie appointments have been getting me down.
2) I can afford it and why wait?!
3) I will be moving to the states anyway in a few years so why not take the opportunity to go and see as much of the place as possible
So why Not!?! I say, I will only live once and I have a good feeling about it, besides I think she may just be worth it even if we end up being only friends and not clicking in that way. I have always had a weaknes for American women especially the butch ones.. Mmmmm.
OK a bit more about her?.. Well she is 36, a Gemini, lives with her daughter and also is a counsellor appointed by the court system to help people with addictions.... I know!! I just keep finding these women with connections to alcohol and drugs in some form or another - it has been pointed out that maybe more people take part in these things than I know.
She is also a Reverend!! I LOL I know I know!! CRAZY!! or what!!?! Well anyway...... she is also into parapsychology and deals with supernatural phenomena... I am so excited!!! I have been really interested in that stuff from a child and finally meeting someone else who has a healthy interest is really exciting for me. Not only that but her life is lived by utilising Bhuddist beliefs and she is very spiritual as well as a realist.
I have sent her a Tesco internet phone so we can keep intouch for free and chat whenever we want.. its FREEEEEEE and we all know that Freeness is Goodness. She should get it soon.
I am not thinking she is Hysband material but you know what?... If she is then she is.
OK enough about that for a while.
I have also been thinking maybe I need to change my skills, talking to 'Stud' last night I was thinking maybe I should go into youth counselling... I know I would be a great counsellor and I love working with and helping to inspire young people. You may remember me talking about meeting this woman in the steam room a few weeks back and being sure she was a Lesbian... well how WRONG was I?? Very infact, I saw her this weekend and we had a chat as I was waiting for my Total body work out class to begin... Yes I went back for more punishment.....it turns out she is also trying for a baby with her BOYFRIEND and she is older than me.
She asked me what I did for a living and I told her, she asked if I would be interested in mentoring young people and giving talks on various topics?... I was shocked but agreed and also said that I had been thinking about doing youth work and opening up a centre in the past.
She said whe would email me this week with more info and obviously it would be unpaid.
Suits me.
I finsh at my current post on Friday, ... so that leaves me free to decide and go away on holiday for two weeks. I am already wondering what quals would give me the upper hand when I do finally go to the States.
Oh I just wanted to share something with you that 'Daddi' sent me to help me try to get through all the things I am going through right now and in particular I think the whole Fertility thing..
It is called 'Dying professors last lecture'
The last quote almost made me cry, this is one of the things I like about her, I get things like this that help me through what I am going through in life. Only my best friend and selective others think about me and my needs in this way and for that I will forever love them.
OK what else do I have to share ......My juicer is still going strong and I am losing weight.. I can feel it and also I am getting a lot fitter especially as I can now walk up 60 steps without being out of breath and without stopping whilst the others take the adjoining escalators at my local tube station. I will progress to running up them by this time 2010.
I recently heard that the Bitch is back on the drugs and drinking, I think I did the best thing to get away from her for good, she is far too destructive, maybe she is hurting but FUCKING GET COUNSELLING AND STICK WITH IT YA DOOFUSS!!! Anyway.... Anytime I feel an ounce of pity for her I think of all the shit I put up with. Daddi said something very interesting the other day.....
I totally agree.....Thank you Daddi....xx
Well since last blogging I am starting to feel a little better about my life, so lets see... where do I start?....
Weeeell, the weekend before last, when I was feeling extremely horny I ended up on this website and saw a woman advertising for another, I was captured by her profile title 'Daddi seeks Hys Queen' ...
"Oooh"I thought.. nice line. Now you know what sold me on that dont you...? Come on you must be getting to know me by now LOL... yep you got it, it was the word "Daddi".
I decided to click on the link to get more info, read through the criteria made sure she was butch and of a good height.. Tick .,.. Tick... and then if she wanted kids?... Ti- OH... it said she already had one and didnt want anymore. Now usually I would be put off but seeing as I am not looking for a relationship it didnt matter to me.
Well then I scrolled down and saw a pic.... CUTE!!!!.. interestingly enough this was a site mainly for women of colour- to be honest I was only on that site as I was looking for more erotic reading online and my curiosity made me look at the personals.. knowing full well they were all going to be in the USA. I was just curious is all. - This woman was white and clearly stated that she didnt care if people didnt like the fact she was on a site predominantly for women of colour she didnt discriminate. That got my attention.
I decided to email her and simply state that I wouldnt mind making a new friend and that I thought she was cute..... finally after adding a link to my picture and pressing send.. my pc broke again DOH!!
I waited anxioulsy the next day for a reply and when one came she asked if I thought she was cute as in " puppy dog cute"... that made me giggle, I used my PDA to respond and made it very clear I thought she looked sexy... well from then on we have been talking everyday via phone and the net, she is very spiritual, has a good job that is worthwhile and fulfilling that she loves, she has an adorable daughter and a great sense of humour.
I am planning to go and see her in two weeks.... OK OK most would think I was mad but to be honest I have done far riskier things in my time and she seems nice. Besides....
1) I had decided I needed a break from the UK for a couple weeks now as the stress of dealing with the bitch and the hozzie appointments have been getting me down.
2) I can afford it and why wait?!
3) I will be moving to the states anyway in a few years so why not take the opportunity to go and see as much of the place as possible
So why Not!?! I say, I will only live once and I have a good feeling about it, besides I think she may just be worth it even if we end up being only friends and not clicking in that way. I have always had a weaknes for American women especially the butch ones.. Mmmmm.
OK a bit more about her?.. Well she is 36, a Gemini, lives with her daughter and also is a counsellor appointed by the court system to help people with addictions.... I know!! I just keep finding these women with connections to alcohol and drugs in some form or another - it has been pointed out that maybe more people take part in these things than I know.
She is also a Reverend!! I LOL I know I know!! CRAZY!! or what!!?! Well anyway...... she is also into parapsychology and deals with supernatural phenomena... I am so excited!!! I have been really interested in that stuff from a child and finally meeting someone else who has a healthy interest is really exciting for me. Not only that but her life is lived by utilising Bhuddist beliefs and she is very spiritual as well as a realist.
I have sent her a Tesco internet phone so we can keep intouch for free and chat whenever we want.. its FREEEEEEE and we all know that Freeness is Goodness. She should get it soon.
I am not thinking she is Hysband material but you know what?... If she is then she is.
OK enough about that for a while.
I have also been thinking maybe I need to change my skills, talking to 'Stud' last night I was thinking maybe I should go into youth counselling... I know I would be a great counsellor and I love working with and helping to inspire young people. You may remember me talking about meeting this woman in the steam room a few weeks back and being sure she was a Lesbian... well how WRONG was I?? Very infact, I saw her this weekend and we had a chat as I was waiting for my Total body work out class to begin... Yes I went back for more punishment.....it turns out she is also trying for a baby with her BOYFRIEND and she is older than me.
She asked me what I did for a living and I told her, she asked if I would be interested in mentoring young people and giving talks on various topics?... I was shocked but agreed and also said that I had been thinking about doing youth work and opening up a centre in the past.
She said whe would email me this week with more info and obviously it would be unpaid.
Suits me.
I finsh at my current post on Friday, ... so that leaves me free to decide and go away on holiday for two weeks. I am already wondering what quals would give me the upper hand when I do finally go to the States.
Oh I just wanted to share something with you that 'Daddi' sent me to help me try to get through all the things I am going through right now and in particular I think the whole Fertility thing..
It is called 'Dying professors last lecture'
The last quote almost made me cry, this is one of the things I like about her, I get things like this that help me through what I am going through in life. Only my best friend and selective others think about me and my needs in this way and for that I will forever love them.
OK what else do I have to share ......My juicer is still going strong and I am losing weight.. I can feel it and also I am getting a lot fitter especially as I can now walk up 60 steps without being out of breath and without stopping whilst the others take the adjoining escalators at my local tube station. I will progress to running up them by this time 2010.
I recently heard that the Bitch is back on the drugs and drinking, I think I did the best thing to get away from her for good, she is far too destructive, maybe she is hurting but FUCKING GET COUNSELLING AND STICK WITH IT YA DOOFUSS!!! Anyway.... Anytime I feel an ounce of pity for her I think of all the shit I put up with. Daddi said something very interesting the other day.....
.." The closest us "Normal" people come to insanity is being in love"
I totally agree.....Thank you Daddi....xx
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
Too Skinny for Skinny Jeans
Hey
Well I cant stay long tonight I am shattered, I have had less than 16 hours sleep in 3 days.. Knackered. Not because of sex, just a lot going on and not eating properly, In fact I am even too skinny for my skinny jeans that I bought a month ago, if that.
My diet has been going well and I find if I dont get to eat dinner I make some juice with at least 5 different fruit and veg and I am good to go to bed. Speaking of which I am really in need to go to bed and get my groove on with my new 32 inches... ooh I didnt think I could take more than 3 LOL
Anyway I will fill you in later on speaking to a Butch Daddi online and thinking about going to Florida for two weeks the week after next....
Well I cant stay long tonight I am shattered, I have had less than 16 hours sleep in 3 days.. Knackered. Not because of sex, just a lot going on and not eating properly, In fact I am even too skinny for my skinny jeans that I bought a month ago, if that.
My diet has been going well and I find if I dont get to eat dinner I make some juice with at least 5 different fruit and veg and I am good to go to bed. Speaking of which I am really in need to go to bed and get my groove on with my new 32 inches... ooh I didnt think I could take more than 3 LOL
Anyway I will fill you in later on speaking to a Butch Daddi online and thinking about going to Florida for two weeks the week after next....
Saturday, 22 September 2007
Adults Only
Image courtesy of Jill Posener @ jillposener.com Her book 'Nothing But The Girl' is pretty cool.
OK, due to the fact I have been up since about 6am reading this persons blog and stories (click on the post title) I have now only got one thing on my mind and contrary to my last post guess what that is......SEX.
Now, not just any kind of sex,Oh No! for it has to be the 'hardest kind to find sex'.......Kinky-butch/femme sex. The submisisons are so erotic I am beside myself with desire and there is nothing I can do about it, no one to turn to for relief.
Now just before I go any further, since gaining readers I have been thinking alot about how I may be judged i.e my Kinks and my quest for mother hood, and I think just for the record I want to say:
Having Kinks does not make a person a bad candidate for parenting, a non consensual pervert and nor does it make you lose all sense of principles and morals.
Just in case some of you were thinking along those lines.
Back to the topic at hand. Thank you to Sugarbutch ( not yet figured out how to include a short url in my posts...can anyone help?) for her blog and allowing it to be open to the public.
It reminded of possibly the best ever (bottom) sex I have ever had and I am (almost)desperately trying to find that connection again, unfortunately it only lasted a couple weeks ( one of the non starters I spoke about in my last post - not sure how to link to that either...help!).
I will call her .....Blue69.
We met on a lesbian dating website and she didnt have a picture, but for some reason I was curious about her, after reading her profile I sent her a message of some kind....my memory fails me on details before our first date... so I shall proceed from there.
We aranged to meet up and I was invited to lunch at a rather swanky resturant/bar/amazing view of the city type location. As well as being eager I was running about 30 mins late in my short denim skirt long boots and a black, sexy yet classy top, that from the right angle - namely from above - you could see my oh so ample cleavage.
I arrived eventually after making a courtesy call saying I was going to be late and offering my apologies, upon arriving I immediately made my way to the ladies to look fresh and sexy, not frazzled and sweaty. Completing the job making sure I had not over done the make-up I didnt want to keep her much longer so out I stepped.
She was sitting by the bar at the back. WOW... She had short dark hair, the most beautiful eyes and a smile that just said she was nervous yet pleased. I was impressed. I was also nervous. She was wearing a black shirt and jeans. We matched.
After greeting me with a kiss on the cheek she ordered me a drink and we sat for awhile, talking about what? I dont remember so....I fast forward.>>>>>
We have a table booked and as we wait for them to open up the restaurant we go outside and take a look at the view, I brought my new digital camera and was eager to get it out and take a few snaps. I took one and as she stepped closer behind me to see the Image I wanted to immortalise form over my shoulder, I got a whiff of her fragrance....my knees almost buckled, how I didn't notice it before I don't know I think it was the nerves, from that point on the sexual charge was intensifying.
We finished our meal and a bottle of champagne then decided to go further into town. we ended up at a movie, we watched 'Transamerica' I remember because I kept the ticket stub, that was the only thing I remember...OH and the fact that Blue69 looked slightly awkward siting next to me, sometimes I would catch a glimpse of her and it was as though her eyes were looking at the movie but she was not watching, in hindsight I think her mind was racing else where.
Then we went into a bar, I waltzed upstairs hoping to find a spot more quiet, less crowded but I was told by the staff it was closed until later that evening, I was disappointed, why? at that time I was not sure.
Downstairs we found a round table and settled on high bar stools and drank, I had a fruit juice, she had beer. She rested her left foot on the foot rest below my stool, parting my legs - I should have known what was coming - she ordered me in a stern whisper to part my legs wider and come closer, I was shy and refused, she didn't like that, and little did I know I would later pay for my refusal that night.
As we drank and talked about nothing I remember, we decided we wanted to go somewhere more comfortable, so I asked her to wait as I went upstairs to the toilet (mainly to check my make-up).
Granted I was up there for a little while and as I stepped out of the cubicle she was standing before me and pushed me back in, to my surprise she pushed me against the cubicle wall and I asked her what she was doing, she said she thought this was what I wanted as she pulled aside my knickers and finger fucked me, I was not quite wet enough but she didn't care and neither did. I had to grab her around the shoulders to steady myself as she made me come.
I was so flustered and dazed.
We left the bar and moved onto another in the heart of SOHO. As we drank we were definitely deliberately teasing each other from across the table with our eyes, our words and eventually we had to go back to mine. The sex that followed was amazing, she dominated me so expertly I didn't have a choice, my submission was hers for the taking and I wanted her to feel 'all powerful' over me and revel in it. That she did. And she made me pay. I deserved it.
She was able to read my body like no one has ever done before and that is something I crave, the intensity between us was raw and that is something I constantly crave. I didn't sleep more than 5 hours that entire weekend, every time I tried, as I turned my back to doze off she would gently grab my waist from behind and press herself against me.
That sends me wild and once discovered, she knew and used it well. I think the fact she was a Police woman and in charge of a team of people also turned me on. She knew how to be in control and she knew how to push me to the limit enough to keep me wanting more, even when I thought I knew I couldn't take any more.
I loved the way she would tell me her darkest fantasies whilst fucking me, I wanted to be the helpless characters in them for her, I wanted to help her live them consensually. I came even more alive through her story telling, stories I wont ever repeat but no doubt her new wife now knows all about.
I can not even begin to describe how she made me feel, it was not about having an orgasm for me, sex never is. For me it's the journey, the teasing, the roles, the "dance", the head fuck. The sensations that overwhelm me when I know the Butch top is gaining more strength through power and getting aroused by being in control of my mind and body, you see in life I am in control and in charge, well as much as one can be, but in the bedroom I like that control taken away-but only by one who knows what they are doing -so that I can trust and reveal myself.
It ended far too quickly, I didn't get the chance to really explore my sub side, this was over a year ago now. Why did it end so quickly? I wanted kids and she didn't, she also didn't want to just fuck and see how things go. So to save getting deeper we called the whole thing off. You cant force someone to want kids when they don't and you cant force someone to not have them.
Am I sad? yeah a little but only because it took me nearly 10 years to open up and find what my kink was and then to find someone who just got it. To find that again will be hard I think.
I haven't got a clue where to start looking, finding her was not planned, if only she eventually wanted kids as well as a relationship wih me, they choice was there, I knew she wanted me back then. I only hope she is happy now and can only wish her the best.
Tuesday, 18 September 2007
Blown away
Hey, I'm feeling a little better today, well this evening anyway, and thanks to my juicer.
And here, the lack of froth and gritty bits.....ACE!
After I got my juicer home last night I didnt have any fruit or veg good enough, so I chucked what I had out and decided that today after work I would buy some more.
Once home I start to wash and chop 2 carrots, 1/4 cucumber and two celery sticks with one orange.
The result was amazing!! My juicer is the fucking bollocks!! I love it. I was so amazed I couldnt help saying, "That's so amazing, That's so amazing".
I just have to share the pics with you.
Here just showing you my baby in action, the Pulp is really dry, slightest damp feeling to it.
Here, the amount I got out of my ingredients (including the dried cranberries)
And here, the lack of froth and gritty bits.....ACE!
I also went into Holland & Barratt and bought a lot of goodies including some Spirulina to add to my juices.
Just so you understand how ditzy I am sometimes, I even thought it a good idea to try and extract juice from the packet of dried Cranberries I purchased today....... * blush*
Here is my meal today, I actually enjoyed it... 2 organic discounted beef burgers (100% beef chopped) on a bed of salad and Alfalfa with mixed sprouts(not brussels....Yuck)
Not really in the mood to blog feelings today, I think I just want to focus on how fit I am going to be and how I will get pregnant by hook or by crook or a few operations. I am staying focused and determined to lose the weight.
Will blog more tomorrow eve....maybe. Watching the Reality channel about a real life haunting in Georgia. Mwaaa haa haaa. Night xx
Monday, 17 September 2007
NOW I'm FUCKING PISSED
One of my posts has mysteriously been deleted by the system......... I AM PISSED AS HELL, all these fucking glitches why did I bother with BLOGGER???
NO wonder people are leaving!!
FUCKING HELL... that one was everything happening in my life with SB and some real emotional stuff of reference and relevance to everything else going on in my life.....GRRRRRRRRRRRRR
FUCK!!!
NO wonder people are leaving!!
FUCKING HELL... that one was everything happening in my life with SB and some real emotional stuff of reference and relevance to everything else going on in my life.....GRRRRRRRRRRRRR
FUCK!!!
Happy Monday my arse!
Morning,
01:03am I get a call from SB, I had only just managed to doze off to sleep and could not have been sleeping for longer than 40 mins when the phone rang rather loudly from under the pillow next to me. I ignored it. then I heard my text message go off. I ignored that too.
I was not being "cold" in fact I was doing the risk assessment in my mind that I have found I do so often when having communications with her. Was it a good idea to read the text now and possibly not get back to sleep for hours with work in the morning? or ...Should I ignore it and try not to worry that it will be something of high emergency and get back to sleep in a fraction of the time?
It was a hard decision to make, I would never want to ignore her in her time of need or what if something bad was happening to her and she called me and I later found out she was dead or being hurt? I would never and could never forgive myself ever.
So I read it in the morning before work, hoping it was nothing but instead it said:
Please talk to me im thinkin bout doing horrible things to myself
I was worried, I was upset, I don't want her to hurt as much as she is, I know she is sorry for all she has said but it does not change the fact she said them. I realised in that instant that she was manipulating me yet again and I also realised even though I cheated on her with two different people in the same time frame when we were in the first year of our relationship, I did so not because I wanted to hurt her or get my own back, I did so because she was hurting me so much, being abusive and violent.
I was worried, I was upset, I don't want her to hurt as much as she is, I know she is sorry for all she has said but it does not change the fact she said them. I realised in that instant that she was manipulating me yet again and I also realised even though I cheated on her with two different people in the same time frame when we were in the first year of our relationship, I did so not because I wanted to hurt her or get my own back, I did so because she was hurting me so much, being abusive and violent.
It was not about her it was about me needing someone who didn't want to hurt me even though I still loved her and wished she would change. But when she hurts me, it is intentional and she goes for the jugular, like the time she called me a.....
Black Whore.
OH NO SHE DIDN'T!!!... yes ...She did.... we split and she grovelled for months trying to get me back
She knew it would hurt -even though she was drunk- and also that I didn't tolerate racist remarks even in anger towards ANY race of people, to me I don't care how angry that person makes you, I would never ever say something bad about them that was unchangeable such as their skin colour, disability, culture etc.... That to me shows you have that in you and no matter how hard you try to deny it and say
It was only because I was angry, I said it in anger
It does not change the fact you said it, I would call you a fat bitch if I knew you ate junk food all the time and was too lazy to do anything about it if I am angry at you. but even then I don't generally have those insults pop into my head even in retaliation to something racist said to me, that's just mean and hurtful I am much more inclined to attack your behaviour or character. Is it just me!?!
Anyway... I sat on my bed and allowed myself to cry then I decided I had no choice but to text 'STUD' and ask her to make sure SB is ok as I didn't feel up to communicating with her even via a text message.
I got a call from STUD a few minutes later saying that she left a message on SB's voicemail but she didn't think anything was wrong with SB only she went out the night before got drunk and probably was feeling bad at the time, so nothing more is wrong with her than being drunk and trying to manipulate me as she is not getting any kind of response.
STUD also told me that she had been talking for hours on the phone to SB during Sunday afternoon and she was fine and said she was going to go out and party with friends.
I felt better knowing that she was OK.
I feel like shit again today, usually no matter what is going on with me I can put on a good mood for work but not today, I feel withdrawn and isolated in my stress, I don't feel like smiling, and I don't feel like talking to anyone even to answer the phone, but I am trying not to make it show. Don't you hate it when people ask you, are you OK? and if you have had a good weekend when you haven't? I am using all the strength I have to not say:
Anyway... I sat on my bed and allowed myself to cry then I decided I had no choice but to text 'STUD' and ask her to make sure SB is ok as I didn't feel up to communicating with her even via a text message.
I got a call from STUD a few minutes later saying that she left a message on SB's voicemail but she didn't think anything was wrong with SB only she went out the night before got drunk and probably was feeling bad at the time, so nothing more is wrong with her than being drunk and trying to manipulate me as she is not getting any kind of response.
STUD also told me that she had been talking for hours on the phone to SB during Sunday afternoon and she was fine and said she was going to go out and party with friends.
I felt better knowing that she was OK.
I feel like shit again today, usually no matter what is going on with me I can put on a good mood for work but not today, I feel withdrawn and isolated in my stress, I don't feel like smiling, and I don't feel like talking to anyone even to answer the phone, but I am trying not to make it show. Don't you hate it when people ask you, are you OK? and if you have had a good weekend when you haven't? I am using all the strength I have to not say:
NO, IamfeelinglikeshitmyweekendwasworseandIjustwanttodiesilently have you got a hanky?
Breathe.....
Breathe.....
Aside from that I had a very large package waiting for me at work today......YEP you guessed it ...My JUICERRRRRR!! That cheered me up somewhat. I can't wait to get juicing. I will post pics of my first attempt.
Speaking of which....
Here are the pics I said I would post in my previous posting about flowers received from SB on Saturday.
Speaking of which....
Here are the pics I said I would post in my previous posting about flowers received from SB on Saturday.
I have also decided to post pictures of meal ideas I concoct to help with my new healthy food combining regime. For those who don't know what 'Food Combining' is, it is also known as the 'Hay diet' . Basically not to mix carbohydrates such as rice, bread and pasta, potatoes etc.. with protein such as meat, fish, eggs etc..
This is the second dish done in my new slow cooker prepared and set to cook for Sunday from the night before on a medium setting, should be ready by lunchtime Sunday Ha ha:
2 chicken thighs (without skin)
2 chicken legs (without skin)
4 whole carrots (chopped)
2 large whole onions (chopped)
2 handfuls of broad beans
2 handfuls of green and red lentils (I think they are neutral)
1 Handful of Golden linseed's
Black pepper and mixed herbs
1 pint of vegetable and chicken stock
A few dashes of soy sauce instead of salt and HEY PRESTO!!... (say that as you put it all in the pot and cover with the lid)
Here is the dish I concocted on Saturday after I returned from the Leisure centre
A handful of King prawns
A handful of chopped Salmon and Rainbow trout Pieces
1 small onion
some freshly chopped ginger (to taste)
Olive oil
Olive oil
And stir fry in a wok and served on a bed of salad and cucumber and cherry tomatoes and topped with Golden linseed's.
So what do you think? ....
Sunday, 16 September 2007
Sick
My mood has changed, I think it started when my phone rang and it was SB. I didn't answer it.
Since, I have sat crying in the bath water, wishing my life was less difficult, it just feels like a struggle, I ache for a child and I have to go through so much for it and it isn't even here yet, and may never be. I am sick of loving someone who can say such hurtful things to me, I'm sick of not having a good fuck by a butch Top whenever I need it.
I am sick of rarely -like once every two years rarely - being sexually satisfied as a Bottom. I'm sick of being strong for everyone else, I'm sick of living alone but when I don't it never lasts, I'm sick of crying, sleeping in an empty bed every night, sick of London, sick of not feeling at all special, sick, sick sick of it all!
And most of all sick of feeling pre-menstrual.
This is how I get when I am 'Due On'...I cry a lot, I feel sorry for myself and I comfort eat.....not usually junk as I cant keep that stuff in my house but like today, I finished all the soup I made last night in the new slow cooker, gradually going back in the pot throughout the day....Need I say I am now farting like a trooper in between sobs and worrying what the heck I will do tomorrow when I cant fart freely in the office, as surely someone will ask me what died behind the radiator over the weekend?!
I need a strong, 6ft + tall, stone butch Top with a sturdy strap-on to take all my frustrations, fears and anxieties away and who will expertly assume total control/dominance over me for as long as I need it.
I hate feeling this low, I just cry and feel guilty for crying because things could be a lot worse, almost as though I don't feel like I have the right to cry. That only makes me feel worse.
Two posts in one day is that normal?!
God I need a cuddle right now.
Since, I have sat crying in the bath water, wishing my life was less difficult, it just feels like a struggle, I ache for a child and I have to go through so much for it and it isn't even here yet, and may never be. I am sick of loving someone who can say such hurtful things to me, I'm sick of not having a good fuck by a butch Top whenever I need it.
I am sick of rarely -like once every two years rarely - being sexually satisfied as a Bottom. I'm sick of being strong for everyone else, I'm sick of living alone but when I don't it never lasts, I'm sick of crying, sleeping in an empty bed every night, sick of London, sick of not feeling at all special, sick, sick sick of it all!
And most of all sick of feeling pre-menstrual.
This is how I get when I am 'Due On'...I cry a lot, I feel sorry for myself and I comfort eat.....not usually junk as I cant keep that stuff in my house but like today, I finished all the soup I made last night in the new slow cooker, gradually going back in the pot throughout the day....Need I say I am now farting like a trooper in between sobs and worrying what the heck I will do tomorrow when I cant fart freely in the office, as surely someone will ask me what died behind the radiator over the weekend?!
I need a strong, 6ft + tall, stone butch Top with a sturdy strap-on to take all my frustrations, fears and anxieties away and who will expertly assume total control/dominance over me for as long as I need it.
I hate feeling this low, I just cry and feel guilty for crying because things could be a lot worse, almost as though I don't feel like I have the right to cry. That only makes me feel worse.
Two posts in one day is that normal?!
God I need a cuddle right now.
A day of Blog things about me
Have yet to do anything, need to clean my home and contemplating going to Aqua Fitness class for the first time today.....I'll let you know what I decide later.
OOhh OOHhh Ooh!! I always do these personality tests and post them on message boards in the games forum but until now I have never had a blog to post my 'Blog Things' on.... so today I will be posting all the tests about me, no cheating, no only posting the positive results, I will post them all..... most of them were pretty accurate in the past and anyway I thought I would add a little more diversity and interest to my blog... I hope you find them as interesting as I do.... not even sure I am that interesting, do you ever think that?
You get a blog, you think "yeah!! I want the world and their mama to know what I think and what I go through in my life" then..... you wonder, does anyone even read it? I guess the trick is to do it for you then if someone finds your stories interesting, inspiring, encouraging and hopefully funny if that is your intention, then that's all good. I digress...
So here is my first blog thing about Family:
This test made me want to cry when I got to the neuroticism section, thinking back on the shit that has happened in my life I have had no choice but to "bounce back quickly". Sometimes SB would say I am a cold bitch, ice maiden, frosty and that I didn't care. She was soo wrong.... I am able to move forward even when I feel like I am going to crumble to dust because I have to be objective and have had to learn from an early age to get on in life you have to sometimes switch off.
I learnt that from my mum, watching her deal with issues of poverty and sometimes abuse from my father, having to leave us and going to do over night care work so that she could be there for us in the morning before we went to school and still put food in our mouths and decent clothes on our backs.
I know now that must have broken her heart to have to do that sometimes. The trust she must have had `in me at such a young age. I think that is why to this day I will always be my mothers right hand and any thoughts of suicide now, would just fade whenever I think about how it would crush her and all the strength she has would just be hanging inches away from steel spikes. I couldn't do that to her.
Wow these are turning into a good source of discussion and frankness from me to you..how unexpected, I am even shedding tears, that will probably be the build up of everything I am going through lately. O.K..... NEEEEEXT!!
Something a little more light hearted.... My star sign is Capricorn so this was also a good one...
One more...
I don't get hugged enough I must admit.
OOhh OOHhh Ooh!! I always do these personality tests and post them on message boards in the games forum but until now I have never had a blog to post my 'Blog Things' on.... so today I will be posting all the tests about me, no cheating, no only posting the positive results, I will post them all..... most of them were pretty accurate in the past and anyway I thought I would add a little more diversity and interest to my blog... I hope you find them as interesting as I do.... not even sure I am that interesting, do you ever think that?
You get a blog, you think "yeah!! I want the world and their mama to know what I think and what I go through in my life" then..... you wonder, does anyone even read it? I guess the trick is to do it for you then if someone finds your stories interesting, inspiring, encouraging and hopefully funny if that is your intention, then that's all good. I digress...
So here is my first blog thing about Family:
| Your Family Is 19% Dysfunctional |
 While every family has its problems, your family is definitely better than most. You probably communicate well, and even if you disagree, you don't let it ruin relationships. Consider yourself lucky for having such a great family. Believe it or not, it's pretty rare! It may be hard to appreciate what you have at times, but it could be a whole lot worse. |
That's pretty accurate to be honest, my mother and brother are my family the rest are relatives I don't see them often at all so.... but the three of us are strong and very very close we have respect for each other and we never have huge rows but we do disagree. When my mother and I are together we laugh till we both choke. On the other hand 'G' my baby brother is very quiet not too quiet like, you wonder if he is sneaky and up to no good quiet, just, 'not sure what he is thinking unless you ask him' quiet.
I guess because I talk to much the contrast is a little strange for me.
Next:
| How You Life Your Life |
 You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You are always tactful and diplomatic. You let people down gently. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable. |
WOW!!! Ok I am not gullible, but these things are pretty good.
I am doing the tests again and just choosing the answers that best represent me and how I feel... this one surprised me. It is true I do tend to keep a lot to myself which is probably why I decided to do this blog in the first place.
I don't like writing much and in the past my journals have been found, so this seemed the perfect way to have a little anonymity and still say what I like without being censored or restrained in anyway. I do change friends quickly but that is not because I am flaky, just because my life is always changing and I only have one friend who can keep up and who has fully accepted me and my faults too...
I love her very, very much we will call her 'Stud'. She is boyish, slim very funny and honest and has the kindest heart of anyone I have met. Even though she has all the qualities I look for in a match, I don't find her sexually desirable, but she gets shit loads of women from straight women to nurses at the hospital when she cut her hand.....
More about 'Stud' in a later post. Today is all about ME!!!! :o) Yaaay!!
O.K... Let's see... what test should I do next... hmmm?
That's not bad.. thought it would have been higher though, but I guess the fact I don't tell a lot of people about me lowers my percentage.| You Are 74% Real |
|
| Your Five Factor Personality Profile |
 Extroversion: You have medium extroversion. You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party. Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences. But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time." Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have medium agreeableness. You're generally a friendly and trusting person. But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism. You get along well with others, as long as they play fair. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything. |
This test made me want to cry when I got to the neuroticism section, thinking back on the shit that has happened in my life I have had no choice but to "bounce back quickly". Sometimes SB would say I am a cold bitch, ice maiden, frosty and that I didn't care. She was soo wrong.... I am able to move forward even when I feel like I am going to crumble to dust because I have to be objective and have had to learn from an early age to get on in life you have to sometimes switch off.
I learnt that from my mum, watching her deal with issues of poverty and sometimes abuse from my father, having to leave us and going to do over night care work so that she could be there for us in the morning before we went to school and still put food in our mouths and decent clothes on our backs.
I know now that must have broken her heart to have to do that sometimes. The trust she must have had `in me at such a young age. I think that is why to this day I will always be my mothers right hand and any thoughts of suicide now, would just fade whenever I think about how it would crush her and all the strength she has would just be hanging inches away from steel spikes. I couldn't do that to her.
Wow these are turning into a good source of discussion and frankness from me to you..how unexpected, I am even shedding tears, that will probably be the build up of everything I am going through lately. O.K..... NEEEEEXT!!
Something a little more light hearted.... My star sign is Capricorn so this was also a good one...
| You are 60% Capricorn |
 |
One more...
| You Communicate With Your Body |
 This isn't as bad as it sounds, it just means that you're a "touchy-feely" person. You need a lot of affection in your life. And for you, this means both giving and receiving little touches. Warm hearted, you bond with people easily. In fact, you often feel a little sad when you're not in the company of others. A little moody, you tend to be controlled by your emotions. But a big hug always comforts you! |
I don't get hugged enough I must admit.
OK Maybe that is enough for today.. they are highly addictive and al ot of fun, I may post some more later...... enjoy ya Sunday xx
OK just before I officially sign off for this hour I have to share with you the funniest show.. 'Runs House' on MTV Base its hilariously funny but a reality documentary about Run and his family, run used to be the other half of the well known 'Run DMC' from back in the day.....
OK just before I officially sign off for this hour I have to share with you the funniest show.. 'Runs House' on MTV Base its hilariously funny but a reality documentary about Run and his family, run used to be the other half of the well known 'Run DMC' from back in the day.....
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